DP and money. Can't cope anymore. IHBU?

[JojoBelles]

19 weeks pregnant, looking for baby things. Suggested I bought a sling for the baby. He said he's not going to use it so I have to buy it myself. This is a constant and he's so selfish with money. It's £15 ffs. I told him it's not for me, it's for the baby. He can and should use it. Is anyone else dealing with a DP like this? He has a dd already who he spends a fortune on but I ask if we can buy one thing for £15 out of our joint account and he says no. I have to get it myself. I feel like walking out. I'm so far down the bottom of his list of priorities and feels like our baby is too.

JoJo in answer to your question in the title of the thread, yes, He Is Being Unreasonable.

However it does sound as though there is more going on than just that one question. You sound an eminently sensible and strong young woman and I am sure that, whatever path you take, you will be absolutely fine.

Your partner/boyfriend does sound like a bit of a plonker and it would seem sensible to put plans in place, even if you don't act on them, so you don't have to rely on him for anything for you and/or your baby.

Good luck and congratulations on your pregnancy - hope all goes well x

I agree OP.
You are having a baby.
You are happy about it.
And it's happened so there's no point going over crap.
You earn the same and you thought he was a decent human being.
You now know differently though.
He's a tight mean man who does NOT have your back one tiny bit.
He doesn't give a shit about you or your baby.

So when you said in your OP I feel like walking out
Then do it! What is stopping you?
He either needs kicking to the curb because he's a tight cunt or he needs a reality check and an understanding that you won't put up with being treated like shit.
So walk...... his response will be all you need to know about the future and then you can plan!

I'm sorry you're going through this. I agree with some other posters: start getting your financial ducks in a row now. Make sure you have your own money and access to your own finances. Are you on the mortgage/rent agreement? Have a look at what benefits etc. you would be eligible for if he was out of the picture.

Plan for the worst, but hope for the best. You still have time to make sure you're in a good position. Don't put any more money in the joint account: save everything you can into your own personal account that he cannot access.

Ask him if he'd rather pay CSA through the courts and only see his baby once or twice a week or if he'd rather stop being so miserable and agree to help financially.

And buy the sling.

Oh op. I've already told you what I think you should do, but I do want to offer you a handhold. Being pregnant with an unkind partner is awful. My ex walked out on me when I was pregnant. Please ignore the nasty comments on here.

You will be ok, and you will work out what you need to do. You're a strong, smart person and you can do it without him if you need to. If I knew you I'd bring you some chocolate and give you a hug.

@Whatshallidonowpeople
Why didn't you discuss this 1st? Why did you get pregnant? Why are you having a baby without bring married? Seriously, what is wrong with You women? You are dragging perception of women into the gutter with idiotic behaviour

What a nasty reply!
It's not just down to the woman to prevent pregnancy you know, this is exactly the kind of talk to is detrimental to women! YOU are dragging down 'perception'.

OP, I think a good long conversation with your partner is called for and tell him it's an important discussion and you will know where you stand after.

well the good news jojo is that you've cottoned onto his attitude towards baby and pg expenses early on. He may live to regret his meanness about a £15 sling as this will have you setting clear expectations with him very soon.

So often we see people with DP's like this who come on when they've paid for everything and are desperate with a baby and 6 months into surviving on almost nothing on ML. I can think of at least a couple of threads like that.

So full credit to you for posting about this and realizing this now. Congratulations on the baby!!!

I feel really sorry for OP, she's obviously upset and worried and certain posters seem to want to stick the boot in. How about having some empathy with OP, offer help and advice rather than "why did you get pregnant" comments.

This place really saddens me at times, kick a woman when she's down

Plan for the worst, but hope for the best

100% this!

OP, do you have anyone, family or close friend, you could maybe arrange to go and stay with for just a weekend maybe? It might be good to get some distance from the situation and focus on you.

I think there's an in between in terms of leaving him or not. You could just put your cards on the table and say that you can't continue the way things are now and see if he changes his ways. Sometimes people need it pointing out to them that they're being dicks!

wow yes! Hes being extremely unreasonable.
You both created the baby... even if an item is something only you are going to use... if its to look after the baby and you would not have had to buy it otherwise then, yes, you should both contribute if you can! Because you both made and are responsible for looking after the baby regardless of who actually uses that equipment.
Very stingy man you have here.... Id be very worried about the future. What if you have a difficult birth and get very ill? Is he going to step up to help then? What if you cant go back to work as planned because your birth was difficult or your baby has extra issues etc?

Id start putting plans into place so that you will be ready and okay to leave him tbh
Hopefully the actual birth might kick him into stepping up and taking his fair share of responsibility.... but you need to be prepared in case it doesnt.

Perhaps it is anxiety at play with both of you. You seem to want to buy pretty much everything now and you’re only half way through your pregnancy. Is he worried that you’re buying everything now and he’s trying to spread the cost or curb the spending? If he is, blurting you should pay for x y and z is not the most mature way of tackling this.

What I mean is, why are you thinking about buying a breast pump now when you don’t even know if you’ll get on with breast feeding? There are a very small percentage of women, who don’t lactate. And the sling? You may not even want one immediately or may find you prefer a different sort of sling when your baby is born depending on whether they have reflux or something.

He does sound mean or at least the way he’s going about this. I’d be very disconcerted about how to survive during mat leave of course. And he definitely should want to get you some clothes. You wouldn’t need them if you body weren’t a little home for his growing baby.

LTB and claim cm and tax credits. You'll be better off as a single parent.

JojoBelles I’m so sorry you’re having such a hard time both in RL and on this thread. As PeterRabbit said please try and ignore those who are being unhelpful and worse.
Is there anyone in RL you can chat to? This issue shouldn’t be kept secret as you’re going to need your support network. This may be a temporary issue or it may not. At the moment just focus on what you need today and tomorrow.
Then, when you’re feeling up to it, it may be worth sitting down with DP to calmly try and discuss how finances are going to work in the future as you need to plan eg work need to know when you want to start mat leave and how long.
But, most importantly, take care of yourself. And yes that may well mean leaving the unhelpfulness on this thread. There are other, less traveled boards.

Go to anti-natal classes and any other geoups pre/post baby and build a strong (female!) support network. Wait to see if you need a breast pump etc before purchasing (or borrow one?). Start planning life as a lone parent.

I would sit down with him and have it out. Are you a family or 2 people co parenting a child? If the former you share all the childs expenses including rent/mortgage etc etc during mat leave. If you are co parenting I would give the baby your name and manage everything independently. He does his own washing/housework/cooking etc - you are not an unpaid maid.

Either you are a family with shared finances or you are not. He doesn't get to have it all his own way.

@JojoBelles I'm so sorry for the way that some posters have chosen to phrase their opinions - to sneer at someone so clearly in distress is unkind, thoughtless and would be considered bullying if done face to face. Please try to focus on those who wish to offer helpful advice - best of luck to you xxx

Op i had a man like you. All childcare paid for by me whilst he sat on his arse all day. I paid for everything. Best thing he did is drop dead. I'm so much better off as a single mum. Take care

You seem to be getting a hard time off some people here. He should be helping financially as you already know. Is it an option just to buy baby stuff from a joint account and don't ask him just do it? Sorry your having to go through this

So sorry you are being given a hard time on here , Jojo. I agree your partner is being totally unreasonable and sounds like a complete knob. As others have said, this could be financial abuse. You are worth so much better than him.

What is the house situation? Whose name is the house in and is it rented /mortgaged?

Do you have family or friends you can talk to?

Womens Aid may be able to give you some good advice.
0808 2000 247

Perhaps you were expecting different answers op, maybe you were hoping for us all to say it was your hormones and you would not have to face up to the cold reality of you the real side of your dp.

I so hope you have someone you can call, some friends who can comfort you in RL.

It sounds like it is a shock, and if you have waited so long for a baby you really should be enjoying your pregnancy and not arguing over who pays for the baby's things. My heart goes out to you, but I know you will be okay. Stay calm, get some support and see what happens.

JoJoBelles Cngratulations on your pregnancy.

Ignore the posters who have forgotten that there is a real life person on the other end of their vituperative and thoughtless posting.

But do listen to those who make a list for you! Those who say that maybe you should start to distance yourself a little, prepare to be more disappointed by him and to make sure you don't lose an entitlement because you want him to step up and be the partner and father you imagined you would have for your child.

Best of luck.

I bought my own maternity clothes. Why should DP? I don't buy his clothes.
Ffs. Does your dp need a whole new wardrobe to accommodate a pregnant body so that the two of you can together create a child? He should contribute because as a couple you get a child by your being pregnant and the various costs of that should be joint.

In this situation op I would just buy all baby things from the joint account. Continue to do so regardless of what he says. He needs to provide for his baby equally and he needs to help you to fund your maternity leave. If he doesn't want to I'd tell him that you'll take the first six months off and he can fund the next six months as part of his paternity leave. Somehow I'm not sure that he'll find that fair. He's being a twat. Do you have family nearby if needed?

Sorry this had been a terrible wake up call for you. But that is what it is..... he’s nasty. He shouldn’t be treating you like this? Why is he? What are you putting up with it?

I’d leave. I’d go stay with my mum, then move him out and then we would see where we were at.

Sorry for all your fertility challenges and I hope this pregnancy continues well for you.

What is your current financial set up? Are you joint tenants or both on the mortgage?

How are bills spilt currently?

Given your history of miscarriage I assume you were trying to get pregnant and would also assume you'd at least has some abstract conversation about finances whilst you are on ML.

My DP and I don't have the most conventional financial set up and most of the smaller baby purchases have always been made by me. So I either absorbed the cost or if it was on the CC then DP has always paid half the bill.

Money can bring out the very worst in people so your existing financial set-up and your partners attitude to money pre-pregnancy should have given you some idea how the land lies?

So sorry to hear about your situation JoJo.
Your partner does sound like a selfish pratt. I'm 20 weeks pregnant with an unplanned pregnancy and my partner has already bought me some maternity clothes without me asking him to, and has said that he is going to get the big purchases like car seat, pram etc (he earns more than me).
I think you really need to sit down and talk to him about finances, preferably sooner rather than later. If necessary write down what you want to discuss in case you get flustered/upset/forget etc (I always forget important things I want to say or don't think I articulate myself as well as I could in certain situations).
He needs to understand this is a joint financial responsibility, and that he also needs to start saving towards your maternity leave (hell, he can even do half of it himself if he wants!). The child is a joint responsibility and not just yours.