DP and money. Can't cope anymore. IHBU?

[JojoBelles]

19 weeks pregnant, looking for baby things. Suggested I bought a sling for the baby. He said he's not going to use it so I have to buy it myself. This is a constant and he's so selfish with money. It's £15 ffs. I told him it's not for me, it's for the baby. He can and should use it. Is anyone else dealing with a DP like this? He has a dd already who he spends a fortune on but I ask if we can buy one thing for £15 out of our joint account and he says no. I have to get it myself. I feel like walking out. I'm so far down the bottom of his list of priorities and feels like our baby is too.

Yes excruciatingly hurtful to OP!!!!!!!! There a time and a place!!!! If you feel that strongly, start a thread on it! Don't be cruel to someone suffering. A pregnant woman for gods sake!!!!

I wasnt being cruel to anyone. If OP is upset its because the reality of being with someone who wont be there for her or their child is maybe sinking in.

Well he doesn't sound very nice does he?

I agree with PP re breast pump. I EBF both my DC and could never express anything. There are loads of things you may not need.

I would however buy the things you definitely will need, like nappies etc, from the joint account. If he challenges you, ask if he thinks it's a joint baby. If it's a joint baby, the money comes out of joint account. If not, you have to consider your options.

I totally understand why you had this baby given the situation, but if he is going to be financially abusive, better to find out now than later.

What are your plans for maternity leave and child care?

He's acting like a huge twat, but I don't think LTB talk is helpful right now.

Is this something you could sit down and talk about with him properly and calmly @op? Do you think if you explained how this behaviour made you feel he would listen you? It sounds like perhaps he has huge insecurities when it comes to money, it may be worth seeing if this is something he could work on.

Sorry you're going through this at such a vulnerable time

Did he only start being like this once you were pregnant?

if not, then why are you with him and why bring a baby in to it?

Put yourself in a position where you're told you might not ever have children and then tell yourself that you would 100% have a termination.

With all respect you dont have a clue what positions I have been in surrounding this in life.

My ex DP was saving for things we needed for when the baby came, I came home one day to find a massive TV/DVD/video set apparently that’s just what a newborn needs - note ex DP lasted it until baby was a year - I couldn’t play mother to both!

laguna I didn't say I did. I said try and put yourself in my position. If you've in fact been in my position then you're clearly incredibly heartless to not understand why at 8 weeks pregnant I chose to keep this baby. If you also can't see why some of the nasty comments on this thread may be upsetting then it's a shame to be you.

Thanks all to those who have been helpful!

I'm sorry OP that people are being unhelpful. Pregnancy is a risk of having sex regardless of contraception and your DP clearly from your comments wanted more kids.
Is it a the wya he was raised thing eg babies are women's work? I'm not saying it's okay but my dad was deeply confused that the baby needed things and a man would buy them ! He learned the hard way as my mom just gave him the bills.
I'm self funding the vast majority kf my maternity as I'm main earner too. Dp is overing last 8 weeks, he's aware and has a long time to save!
if it helps my dp was a bit confused about splitting costs too. I'd bought all the big stuff second hand off family, then when he questioned a bill of a small by expensive treat, i threw a big tantrum about it. He then disappeared and bought loads of random stuff off Amazon, which was sweet, for the little one. Maybe your DP dosnt realise? I think a proper financial situation down and full chat is in order. Agree what is to be split and not, that way you will know.

Congrats on your pregnancy X

Hey OP. Ignore the nasty posts. Congratulations on your pregnancy! Focus on that. You will have the child you wanted and that part will be great. I'm sorry your DP is being such a twat. Unless this is a blip and he's normally wonderful, I would leave him. That way you'll still have the baby you wished for, and he will actually have to contribute.

Your whole story sounds very hard op. I think you're very lucky that you are financially able to support yourself. It sounds very hard.
Personally, I'd see what he's like when baby gets here but be ready to leave him.
I hope he will get better and you can be a family op.

If you've in fact been in my position then you're clearly incredibly heartless to not understand why at 8 weeks pregnant I chose to keep this baby. If you also can't see why some of the nasty comments on this thread may be upsetting then it's a shame to be you

Im not heartless at all. Whether you kept the baby or not I didnt even comment on, I was responding to someone saying its pointless to think about the past. I disagree thats all.

laguna trust me I've done a lot of thinking about the past I don't need everyone on here to remind me that I've done something not-ideal.

I feel for you as some of the comments have been really presumptuous and unnecessary. I can understand why you're feeling upset of your DP's lack of support here, I'd feel the same. It sounds like you're preparing financially and basically told to deal with this yourself. Maybe take a day to calm down and approach this with your DP, explain how you feel and what you need from him going forward to resolve this. I wouldn't throw the towel in just yet when it will hopefully be resolved

@JojoBelles

I really feel for you. Firstly, huge congratulations on your pregnancy.

Secondly, I've been the "facilitator" of a financially abusive relationship for over a decade without even realising it. I've been called naive, idiotic, immature, all sorts - but I know my truth and nothing anyone can say will break my resolve to have become fiercely financially independent over the past year since I chucked my stbxh out. I have two children with him. The clothes on my back are all gifted from friends, the clothes my children wear all hand me downs. I never thought about it as financial control or abuse until I started talking to a friend about my situation: stbxh had been poorly and couldn't work, I asked how I should be paying the bills and to have transparency over our household accounts. He refused. Stonewalled me for 23 days. He has done this before on several occasions but as a result of other stuff (desperately ill kids) going on I just didn't have the time or headspace to dwell on it.

Over a period of time I sought further advice and started working out how to become financially independent before asking him to leave. I had - emotionally - left the marriage years ago. Revelations about finances since then have been utterly shocking, I had no idea just how bad it was.

You might think that an altercation over £15 is something you can get over, but this may well be but a drop in the ocean of how it's going to be in the future. My ex husband has brought two children into this world KNOWING that he cannot support them financially. I don't need to be told how bad this makes me look, I'm living this situation.

Make hay while the sun shines. Get your ducks in a row. Get some advice and concentrate on how you're going to manage over the next year and onwards. You might be able to work this through, but if you lessen your expectations and prepare for the worst outcome, you won't be disappointed. Good luck.

@JojoBelles ignore the nonsense, here and from DP. Will he sit down with you and plan a budget for baby things and cost of living while you're on maternity leave and earning less, and after? A £15 sling seems an odd thing to be funny about, it's not like you wanted to buy a 3k designer pram...

Could he be worried about buying things then you having another miscarriage, obviously having had four maybe he doesn’t want to think about baby until baby’s here

Op has said he’s involved with his dd so why wouldn’t he be with this baby. If their financial relationship so far has been split equally with him buying his own things and op buying hers I can see why he might be freaking out about op being dependent on him

Ok. Take a breath.

As I see it you were in a relationship that appeared to be financially 'equal' (i.e. neither depended on the other). This dynamic hid some facets of your DP's character. This is no one's 'fault', we often don't see people for who they are when things are going well. Why should we when the issues causing conflict/distress don't arise?

But now, you are seeing a side of him that wasn't apparent when you didn't need to 'ask him for money' (as he would see it). He's selfish and sees things in the view of what's in it for him. And he's very unlikely to change. Selfish people rarely do.

This is much bigger than a mere £15, or even whether or not he'll help finance your mat leave. (hint; he either won't, he'll hold that he did over your head for eternity, or he will make you beg for every penny) It's indicative of how the rest of your life will be. Even if/when you return to work and again become financially independent there will always arise situations where income needs to be pooled for some reason. Home purchase, children's education, cars, careers, even retirement planning. And his basic philosophy will be "How will this benefit me" not "How will this benefit us". Every decision will be an uphill battle. Is this what you really want?

As far as a solution, it's entirely up to you. You can choose to live the rest of your life with someone who will never give due consideration to your needs. If you choose that, then you will need to make up your mind that you will have to facilitate your (and your child's) needs completely out of your own pocket probably 80% of the time. He will consider childcare costs yours because 'they're enabling you to go back to work'. He won't see that childcare enables HIM to work, too. He will see all the accoutrements of babyhood as yours too,. After all, isn't that what mat pay is for, to spend on baby things? (Answer; no).

If this is what you choose, then I'd separate finances completely. Because chances are that he will view his purchases from a joint account as 'necessary' and your purchases as 'optional' as you've just seen.

Or you can leave and begin to set up a new life where you aren't having to justify or account for spending money on items you need or want.

You're going to have a baby, which is wonderful.

Your partner seems to take care, at least financially, of his other child. So that's a plus; he may come around regarding your baby and become more generous. Has he indicated he's not happy about the new baby?

That said, I think you need to prepare for the possibility that he's just not a great person, and come up with an exit strategy. It seems like you're in a good position to take care of the baby on your own if necessary.

Good luck.

He has a dd already who he spends a fortune on
He's always been quite tight but does spend huge amounts on his dd

It looks like you made a bad choice here.

@char 👏🏽

Thanks everyone who's offered me constructive advice. I think I'm going to leave it a few days and have a word with him on the weekend.

Hi OP. Many years ago now I was pregnant with a baby that we desperately wanted, but weren't quite expecting. Like you, I was used to be completely financially independent and I set about saving every penny I could so that I could maintain my standard of living and independence whilst I was on maternity leave. Mat leave was a lot shorter than, but nowhere near as well funded as it is today.

However, the money I saved was for me, not the baby, so I could continue to pay for my car, clothes, Costa habit and so on. The baby had two parents who could fund it, so everything baby related came out of our joint account. It wasn't up for discussion. Nursery & childcare costs were exactly the same and had to be paid jointly, so we both took a cut in our own disposable income to split the cost. I think you need to sit down and have a rational discussion about how he has done things in the past (for his DD) and how you will do things for your future baby before resentment starts to grow on both sides. Good luck.

Christ, it's obvious some of you have no idea about counselling, it's not about what is in the past, it's about what she's dealing with now. Best of luck OP and congratulations on your pregnancy, I hope you get to enjoy it as much as possible.

He doesnt want to talk about finances when you are on Ml because he knows once the baby is here it will be alot harder for you to tell him to get fucked.

I can almost guarentee it will go like this, Op will be expected to do 100 care of baby and housework. On top of that you will be paying half of all bills. And you will end up paying all child related stuff and probably the food shop because you will be the one doing it.
We see it time and time again. These bastards wait until you are vunrable then make sure you are skint and have money to run away.

Sorry to read this OP sadly he sounds very selfish and appears to serve no useful purpose other than sperm donor.