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Original poster

Should I sell my house for DP?

138 replies

starshine1926 · 05/06/2018 18:20

DP and I have been together 17 yrs, living separately. I spend half the week at his place.
I have a buy to let on an interest only mortgage. There will be about 40/50k equity in the house when I sell it. It has been rented out for 10 years.

I am living in my late DM house which I inherited, along with some cash. DM died 18 months ago and it has been very hard for me as I have no kids or siblings. No close family left. I still miss DM as I was her carer for a few years and her last years were traumatic. DM house is a 3 bed detached with a large plot in front which could accommodate 2 houses. Sorry to sound mercenary but this is relevant to the discussion IMO. I love the peace and quiet, the views and the spacious plot.

DP house is a shitpit in need of major renovation, fronting a very busy road. He has done absolutely nothing to it, because he 'did not intend staying there'.

So our problem is that we have never been able to agree on where to live together. Yesterday, I was dumped by DP because he is tired of being 'bored and lonely'. This has been brewing since DM died and he also now has a small inheritance which he can use to clear his mortgage. He has said he is going to find someone else to live with him to help pay the bills and look after him. I asked him 10+ yrs ago to move into my house but he refused, saying he didn't like the area. I offered to sell so we could buy together but he refused because he 'doesn't want to buy a home in Wales'. He automatically assumed I would sell DM house when she died: cue absolute fury that I have failed to do so. On the day of DM funeral, he was picking out the furniture to dump, which I found upsetting to say the least.

DM house is in a small country town, 20 mins drive from coast/city. But DP says he will never live in a 'fucking shithole village again'. He has lived half his life in Wales but is always slagging off the people and the country. Ironic really, as loads of English people have moved to my area.

I think if DP had been 100% committed to me I would be thinking differently. He has been verbally abusive, a bit of a Jekyll and Hyde person eg he left me alone at Xmas, 3 weeks after DM died. So I am very wary of selling my 'safe space' and asset for my old age.

I also own 2 commercial properties and DP is involved in running our business. If this split is final, it will mean a major headache and lots of extra work while I adjust, find help etc.

The flip side of this is my despair at the thought of being alone again. The MN horror stories re. OLD do not inspire confidence and I am in my 50's. AIBU to think there is no point to life without DP or family? I am in a no win situation. I will be hearbroken to lose either my house or DP. Obviously there are some benefits to the relationship or I wouldn't still be with him. But it's not very nice when he says he has wasted 17 years of his life on me waiting for our shared future. What do I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
starshine1926 · 05/06/2018 19:56

He wanted me to sell DM house and he would sell his house so we could get a 'fabulous' house together.

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 05/06/2018 20:02

And who would get the better end of that deal, OP, hmmm?

You selling your DM's lovely big house with a big garden, or him selling a wreck of a shitpit?

HerRoyalNotness · 05/06/2018 20:03

Tell him to fuck off and Carry out his plan then. No man is better than an awful one like him

Starlight2345 · 05/06/2018 20:21

Honestly you deserve so much better.

Read your post back..

I am at a loss what you see in this man..

You have plenty of time to find someone else however life is for living. staying with this loser is not living.

Biologifemini · 05/06/2018 20:23

You are property rich
Dump him. He sounds useless

DianaT1969 · 05/06/2018 20:30

OP - it's unanimous. You sound lovely. He sounds like a weight around your neck. My sympathies on losing your mum. I bet she'd want you to have a fantastic time while you can. Book yourself on some activity holidays (painting/walking, whatever takes your fancy) and get living again without this inflexible, uncaring, calculated, lazy man.
Thanks

AnyFucker · 05/06/2018 20:37

I bet your mother would turn in her grave if she knew what he was trying to manipulate you into doing

Racecardriver · 05/06/2018 20:40

He's a cock lodger. He wants you to sell the house and move you into his sithole then force you to support him through his early retirement.

BorchesterTowers · 05/06/2018 20:41

AIBU to think there is no point to life without DP or family?

Well, thank you soooo much for your judgement of my life.

But you're welcome to yours with a man who thinks so little of you. But better than being single in your 50s, eh? Just think of the humiliation of that.

eggncress · 05/06/2018 20:51

To be blunt OP, I would tell him to GTF!
It sounds like you are putting in more to this relationship than he is. He sounds like a user.... I lived with one for too long and it’s definately not worth it for your emotional well being and stress levels.
Almost guarantee that you will regret selling your lovely home with it’s space and memories for an entitled arsehole!
You really are better off on your own than with someone who wants to take and not give/ sulks when doesn’t get his way

AnyFucker · 05/06/2018 20:57

Good point, BT

DarklyDreamingDexter · 05/06/2018 21:05

No, no, no no! Don't sell your home for this waste of space! Yes, it might be scary to go it alone after 17 years, but you will be so much better off without him. He sounds awful.

PleasingMe · 05/06/2018 21:08

Your Dp sounds selfish, grabby and insensitive. And it seems all about what he wants.

IDrinkAndISewThings · 05/06/2018 21:15

Oh my goodness op, I want to share a bottle of wine with you and give you a piece of my mind! Your partner sounds horrid, he doesn’t sound like he values you at all, and as so many others have said, I think it’s time he left your life.
As for your fears about being alone from here on out, I very much doubt this would be the case. You have money/assets behind you, you clearly have your heard screwed on that you manage the above / businesses, so you’re not a dafty. I’d bet that socially you have a lot to offer, yet you only mention DP and family, what about friends?
I think you should take some time for yourself, throw yourself into some hobbies that will help you broaden your social circle, and I bet you’ll see that life can be happy and rewarding without a partner who doesn’t appreciate you x

CalmConfident · 05/06/2018 21:17

Thank you for the links...OP...waste no more time and get out of this

Original poster
starshine1926 · 05/06/2018 21:19

Not making a judgement on anyone else's life just putting it out there for discussion and reflecting the way I feel at the moment.

OP posts:
LiteraryDevil1 · 05/06/2018 21:20

I'm confused, I thought he'd "dumped you"??

Anniegetyourgun · 05/06/2018 21:22

Life doesn't need a "point" to be enjoyable. It doesn't need a miserable arsehole, either...

Zaphodsotherhead · 05/06/2018 21:27

Just make sure you continue to stay dumped OP, and don't let him give you the old 'oh well, I suppose I can overlook all your faults just this once, on the understanding that you give me everything I want and bend over backwards to make me happy.'

He's a tosser. He's always been a tosser, and from reading the links to your old posts - he always will be a tosser.

Original poster
starshine1926 · 05/06/2018 21:28

Yes IDRINK I do have a few friends and my head is screwed on, even though DP rubbished my very good English degree because it's not a science degree (he never even went to Uni).

OP posts:
Barbaro · 05/06/2018 21:40

He's hardly a 'darling' partner. Let's list how bad he is:

He lowers your self esteem
He cared more about getting rid of furniture than the funeral of your mother
He wants someone else to pay his bills and look after him like a child
He has a tantrum when you won't do as you're told i.e sell your house

If you sell your houses for him, you're an idiot. End of, plain and simple. And you will end up with nothing.

It's barely a relationship anyway if after 17 years you still don't even live together. I know some like to take it slow, but seriously?

He's dumped you anyway you said, let him go either way. He can find this mysterious person who's can take care of him and pay his bills. No one in their right mind would do that.

rememberthetime · 05/06/2018 21:52

You know what you should do?

Sell your commercial properties, rent out your mum's house and head for an adventure.

italy, france, Australia, NZ. You could travel the world and send us all updates on the fabulous people you meet and the adventures you are having. I envy you - you have a world of opportunity staring right at you. Please don't let him stop you.

poddige · 05/06/2018 21:55

Absolutely not OP.

Sounds like not only should you not sell your house, but you should know your worth and ditch your partner instead.

Cricrichan · 05/06/2018 21:57

He sounds vile. I'm sorry you wasted so many years on him - don't waste anymore

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