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Major problem - partner wants to move location and I don't.

(66 Posts)
starshine1926 Tue 02-Sep-14 12:49:15

Any constructive criticism/advice/opinions welcomed.

My partner and I have been together for 13 years but have separate houses and live together part time. We are both 50 and have a joint business.

I feel I have been living in limbo for years because he will not move in with me (doesn't like the area) and I do not like his house because he lives right on a busy main road, the house is small and requires lots of renovation work (still has the original 40 yr old carpets/curtains from the previous occupant, dry rot etc). He doesn't give a damn about the state of the house because he never intended making it his permanent home and he will not buy a house with me in this area.

I am Welsh, he is English and although he has lived half his life in Wales he hates it here. Our relationship has been strained because of his racism - always slagging off Welsh people for their faults, and the country because it rains a lot, there is no money or opportunity here (he says), nothing to do, nowhere to go etc.

He is desperate to return to England when his last child goes to college in 2 years and says he will leave with or without me. It is all he talks about and he is counting down the days. I do not get a choice in the move, it has to be the South East where he originally came from. He has no plans, no idea of where he will live or what he will do as long as he is not here. He is struggling financially and believes there is more money in the South.

I would consider moving with him if I felt he was 100% committed to me. But it is difficult when someone tells you they wish they had never met you because you 'trapped' them here and you have not 'advanced' their standard of living.

His constant moaning is spoiling my life and he is angry that I won't help him financially to make the move by selling my house. My problem is that I don't really want to move now because I have friends here and my only remaining family - no siblings or kids - is my mother in her 80's in good health but frail. I like the area where I live as it is near a national park, not far from the coast, has lovely countryside and good road links.

Admitedly, the weather is better in Kent/Sussex and they are closer to the Channel for ease of travelling. But property is expensive and I would feel guilty leaving my mother alone. That doesn't concern him because he can't stand her and she doesn't like him.

He has no hobbies or interests,doesn't socialise, doesn't get involved with anything and is continually referring to getting older. I know he is also depressed but he blames me for his state of mind which is only made better by smoking 'exotic' substances.
My friends think I would be mad to move away with someone so unreliable and don't understand why he can't appreciate what he has. He has no qualms about leaving behind his kids, grandkids or mother.

I am getting depressed with this whole scenario and feel like running away myself! Maybe he is right and I have wasted my life in this 'backwater'. However I have a feeling he would not be happy anywhere because he is always moaning about getting older, not being wealthy, envying other people. He has spent 10 years playing the 'when/then' game - when I am wealthy/have a boat/fast car/5 holidays a year/live in England then I'll be happy.I dread the thought of being left alone as he loves me and I love him. Would I regret not moving? Or have I wasted my time with nothing to show for it - no house together or kids or marriage - and I should move on.

Apologies for the long post but I am devasted for the way things have turned out and depressed for the future.

cailindana Tue 02-Sep-14 12:54:54

Your major problem isn't the move, it's the negative whiny racist arsehole you call a partner.

Tell him "On your bicycle," and send him off back to England with a cheery wave.

AuntieStella Tue 02-Sep-14 12:57:25

I'm sorry, but I think 10 years of faking a brighter future is the time to be thinking of drawing a line.

He was (and is) dangling the prospect of a brighter future if, if, if and it's never worked for him so far and this latest one isn't going to work either.

He's essentially told you he's going to be a misery guts for the next two years (minimum). When will enough be enough?

rainbowinmyroom Tue 02-Sep-14 13:00:00

This man is an abusive (blaming someone else for his shitty life is abuse), manipulative, weed-smoking, racist loser.

The Freedom Programme is for you, not selling your home, leaving your mother or giving him 2p.

You are right, he isn't 100% committed to you. He doesn't even love you. He loves himself.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 02-Sep-14 13:00:21

You must have earache from his moaning, and quite honestly he could move and still be discontented. How will you be alone with DM, friends and loved ones? What would lie in store for you miles from them?

I think you're going to be pleasantly surprised how sweeter life will be when he departs.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Tue 02-Sep-14 13:01:40

He needs you to sell up in order to move the the South East. You own a home but he owns a wreck and I expect he's had a look on RightMove and realises that he won't be able to do it without your money. If you're not willing to up sticks and leave your mother behind to her fate, your friends and everything else you hold dear, then just don't.

You say you love him but his negativity would grind me down. The grass isn't always greener, sometimes it's not the location but what's going on in the mind that ruins the present. I suspect his dope-smoking might have something to do with it.

You don't need to make a decision today as it sounds like you've got at least two years to decide. I'd start thinking about how I'd manage the business without him.

Fudgeface123 Tue 02-Sep-14 13:03:57

"I would consider moving with him if I felt he was 100% committed to me. But it is difficult when someone tells you they wish they had never met you because you 'trapped' them here and you have not 'advanced' their standard of living"

I'd be running for the hills after this comment and I think he's not left yet because he wants the money from your house. Ditch this arsehole, don't waste anymore of your years on him.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 02-Sep-14 13:06:35

Its not you, its him. Do not let him drag you down into his pit any longer.

He reads as someone who is absolutely awful and with many red flags a fluttering in the breeze (I doubt very much if he loves you at all) and I wonder why you have remained with him at all.

I would move on with your life and without him in it.

RockinD Tue 02-Sep-14 13:06:49

How about you go back and read your post again and consider what advice you would give if someone else had written that?

"it is difficult when someone tells you they wish they had never met you because you 'trapped' them here and you have not 'advanced' their standard of living."

Why would you consider selling up and moving to the other end of the country with someone who is quite happy to say that he wishes he had never met you?

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 02-Sep-14 13:08:26

I would also now look into severing his link with your joint business.

JapaneseMargaret Tue 02-Sep-14 13:12:22

The decision seems to me to be blindlingly obvious, but I appreciate it always is, for the onlooker.

Cut the old grump loose.

Let him go. He sounds completely awful. How could your life possibly be any worse without him in it? confused

It really does sound as if your relationship has just come to a natural end.

magoria Tue 02-Sep-14 13:19:19

What bitter says. He will need money to get a place in the SE. He isn't going to get that from a old wreck that needs completely refurbishing.

Why would you consider life with someone who actively dislikes and pits down your race and country better than being alone?

You are 50 you have wasted 10 years listening to this. Do you really want to waste another 10/20/30?

By the way the weather had been shit all over the UK. Don't think he will magically change into a happy person elsewhere.

Vitalstatistix Tue 02-Sep-14 13:20:59

not only would I not move with him, I wouldn't continue to suffer a relationship with him! It doesn't even sound like you are happy with him.

enriquetheringbearinglizard Tue 02-Sep-14 13:23:12

I agree with the others, it doesn't sound as though relocation is the issue here.
Does this man bring anything positive into your life?
Usually my judgement of a relationship is not the good things though, it's if the negatives are bearable. It doesn't sound as though they are for you.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 02-Sep-14 13:25:55

I wouldn't be sticking around with anyone who claimed I had trapped them. Sounds like Wales will be a considerably cheerier place for his absence - even if it's raining. Good luck

Castlemilk Tue 02-Sep-14 13:32:26

His constant moaning is spoiling my life - and it will continue to spoil your life in the SE.

The problem is not your location. It's him.

He's a racist, negative, bullying, draining whiner.

He won't be any different elsewhere. People never are. You can move location but you can't escape yourself. He's going to find that out. It's as plain as the nose on your face - fine to blame the place where you live if it's a temporary move that hasn't worked for some reason, but living HALF YOUR LIFE in one place and blaming that for all your troubles (oh and your partner for having the gall to be there too), whilst at the same time doing NOTHING to change it? Sorry, this is about him - a typical armchair whiner, grass-is-always-greener twat.

You on the other hand are pretty happy where you are. Stay, and ditch him. I'm sure you won't miss the casual racism, for one thing.

ClashCityRocker Tue 02-Sep-14 13:33:23

He's an arsehole in Wales.

He'll still be an arsehole in England. Only more of an arsehole because he'll be whinging about how much more expensive it is.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 02-Sep-14 13:39:02

"He has no plans, no idea of where he will live or what he will do as long as he is not here. He is struggling financially and believes there is more money in the South. "

So this whole thing is essentially a massive, stress-creating fabrication. There's nothing concrete here, no commitment, no plans... he has set this 'house move' up as a completely fake problem so that he can point the finger and pick fights. If he stays in Wales (which he is going to do) then it will be your fault for holding him back. If he moves to the SE (which is not going to happen) it will also be your fault when it goes wrong. A entirely contrived no-win scenario where the common denominator is - and not for the first time - you, ruining his life.

There are worse things than being without a partner.

naturalbaby Tue 02-Sep-14 13:42:01

He doesn't sound like he really wants you to move with him.
Why does he think he'll be happy in England? He isn't going to become happy at the flick of a switch by moving area.

cestlavielife Tue 02-Sep-14 13:44:56

so there's a slight chance in your mind that if you give up everything he might be happy and he might become the partner you want him to be?
no guarantees of this are there?
in fact most likely you get there you are miserable and guess what eh is still miserable.

send him off to s.e England.
tell him to send you a postcard.
if after six months you pine him and want to join him so be it. but don't sell up to go with him. let him sort out his own business/housing there.

Quitelikely Tue 02-Sep-14 13:45:49

If I was you I would suggest he goes alone and try out a long term relationship to see if he improves himself.

Unfortunately I doubt Wales is the real reason as to why he is who he is.

Our character and personality traits are rarely transformed by a move to a different location. If that were true I think I would know as I've moved around a lot.

Good luck

SpringItOn Tue 02-Sep-14 13:53:48

I doubt very much you'll get a single response on here telling you that selling your home and moving to the S/E with him is a good idea.

He wants you to do it for the value of your property. Don't do it. My only concern is the 'joint business'. How will that be solved if he moves? What the value of the business and would he be expecting his share, assuming he's due one? Was it your own business originally?

MyNameIsInigoMontoya Tue 02-Sep-14 13:54:45

Wave him bye-bye and start dancing lessons. (Or something!)

ThreeQuartersEmpty Tue 02-Sep-14 13:57:13

I agree with everyone else.
He is the problem, and will still continue to be, even if you up sticks and move.
Get rid. You'll be much happier yourself.

Matildathecat Tue 02-Sep-14 14:01:43

No, no, no, no, no!

You haven't posted one good thing about this man. You cannot seriously be asking us if we would consider doing as he suggests? He sounds pretty awful from what you have written and I suspect you would be much happier if you were no longer in a relationship with him in any location.

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