Should I sell my house for DP?

[starshine1926]

DP and I have been together 17 yrs, living separately. I spend half the week at his place.
I have a buy to let on an interest only mortgage. There will be about 40/50k equity in the house when I sell it. It has been rented out for 10 years.

I am living in my late DM house which I inherited, along with some cash. DM died 18 months ago and it has been very hard for me as I have no kids or siblings. No close family left. I still miss DM as I was her carer for a few years and her last years were traumatic. DM house is a 3 bed detached with a large plot in front which could accommodate 2 houses. Sorry to sound mercenary but this is relevant to the discussion IMO. I love the peace and quiet, the views and the spacious plot.

DP house is a shitpit in need of major renovation, fronting a very busy road. He has done absolutely nothing to it, because he 'did not intend staying there'.

So our problem is that we have never been able to agree on where to live together. Yesterday, I was dumped by DP because he is tired of being 'bored and lonely'. This has been brewing since DM died and he also now has a small inheritance which he can use to clear his mortgage. He has said he is going to find someone else to live with him to help pay the bills and look after him. I asked him 10+ yrs ago to move into my house but he refused, saying he didn't like the area. I offered to sell so we could buy together but he refused because he 'doesn't want to buy a home in Wales'. He automatically assumed I would sell DM house when she died: cue absolute fury that I have failed to do so. On the day of DM funeral, he was picking out the furniture to dump, which I found upsetting to say the least.

DM house is in a small country town, 20 mins drive from coast/city. But DP says he will never live in a 'fucking shithole village again'. He has lived half his life in Wales but is always slagging off the people and the country. Ironic really, as loads of English people have moved to my area.

I think if DP had been 100% committed to me I would be thinking differently. He has been verbally abusive, a bit of a Jekyll and Hyde person eg he left me alone at Xmas, 3 weeks after DM died. So I am very wary of selling my 'safe space' and asset for my old age.

I also own 2 commercial properties and DP is involved in running our business. If this split is final, it will mean a major headache and lots of extra work while I adjust, find help etc.

The flip side of this is my despair at the thought of being alone again. The MN horror stories re. OLD do not inspire confidence and I am in my 50's. AIBU to think there is no point to life without DP or family? I am in a no win situation. I will be hearbroken to lose either my house or DP. Obviously there are some benefits to the relationship or I wouldn't still be with him. But it's not very nice when he says he has wasted 17 years of his life on me waiting for our shared future. What do I do?

Thanks for all the support and advice. Felt really encouraged at first and excited at a new future but now reality is kicking in as I face the second weekend on my own.

I am grateful for my financial independence and realise the world is my oyster as long as I have good health. However, I don't really want to go on a big adventure on my own, don't want to go travelling on my own (never been much of a traveller anyway). I am bloody heartbroken. I don't ask for much in life and the one thing I really want - a permanent loving relationship - I can't fucking have.

We went away last month for a lovely long weekend. DP said he really enjoyed himself. The day before he dumped me, we were walking hand in hand on the beach. He was kind and attentive. How is that possible?

He has been complaining for a year about his unhappiness and gave me numerous warnings that unless things changed he would end it. Then the next day telling me how gorgeous I am . A pattern frequently repeated.

I have been accused of having a small town mentality, told I was born and will die in the same town etc. Maybe he is right. I should have put the past behind me and embraced a shared future. He told me I was selfish and greedy and don't know how relationships work.

DM's house needs some renovation work and I had exciting plans for creating my perfect home. It will have to have work done anyway if I sell and I was hoping to have a few years here. I don't know if I will stay here forever, I have options. But what I didn't like was the constant pressure to come up with MY PLAN FOR THE FUTURE and make a decision now to buy a house somewhere ("look at that fabulous house. We could have a house like that if you get your act together"). There has been a lot of morbid talk eg "you'll be dead soon" "I'll be dead soon I'm a washed up old man" blah blah! I don't understand why he won't move in with me first and see how we are together 24/7 and just enjoy NOW like other blokes. But it's "I don't like the neighbours" "I can't have sex in your mother's house" .

I am tired of being responsible for everything - paying the bills, cutting the grass etc etc. Like him, I want someone to support me and have my back.I loved being in a relationship and I still love him. I just don't know why it's all so difficult and complex when to me it seems so simple. But maybe I am naive and have fucked up. I know I don't want my current life.

It does not feel like it now but you will be better off without him in the long term. He wants a housekeeper and also looks like he wants a half share in a new house at your expense. He will never be happy, he will always complain (about you and the surroundings). Even if you buy HIS dream home there will be problems and complaints and you know that if you follow "your plan for the future" he will use it as a stick to beat you with. He sounds truly horrid and manipulative and controlling he wants to keep you on your toes by criticism and then small admissions of affection.

Be kind to yourself, nurse your heartbreak but move on.

It does sound like he is using you. It looks like you pay for most everything too.

Of course you're lonely right now after the breakup but it does get better and your mind will clear and you'll see him for the using arsehole he really is.

Congratulations this is the first day of the rest of your life

Suggesting there is 'no point point to life without dp or family' is a shit thing to say op. Check yourself and consider how many people reading this are just that. And many very happily and productively indeed.

Freedomprogramme.co.uk

Everything you've described in your update is him mentally abusing you. He flits between putting you down and being loving because it messes your head up.

I can't remember the book now, but I read some time ago an abuser describing alternating between loving kindness and cruelty as being like taking a metal wire or paperclip and folding it in half one way and then the opposite way until you fatigue the metal so much it snaps in half.

This is what he has been doing to you.

I understand why you would want a permanent loving relationship, but the one you're describing is abusive, not loving. Somebody who genuinely loves you would never abuse you like this man has.

I'm sorry, but someone who loves you doesn't make comments about how you'll be dead soon to try and coerce you into selling your home so he can benefit from the sales proceeds. That is not normal and it is certainly not loving behaviour.

And I'm truly sorry for the loss of your mum, and how he treated you in the aftermath. Nobody deserves that. It must have been absolutely devastating.

I fear you've been with this abusive man so long you can't see how differently you should have been treated in that situation.

Loving relationships look nothing like this.

I wouldn't trust this man with my Pennies or my Heart OP.. he assumed you'd sell up ... move into his DUMP and pay for everything and look after him instead of you now dearly departed Mother.... he's a selfish greedy DICK...

you can and will do tenfold better on your own and you will meet someone.. have you ever considered going on a lovely cruise.. single people cruise and meet people on board doing the same thing.. you do not have to choose Him.... please see this as a blessing

Good luck

Agree with PP, please do the Freedom Programme. You deserve so much better. This man is using you for his own gain, and is abusing you in so many ways.

A put down is a put down. Don’t do a dance to try to interpret it into some kind of helpful advice. It isn’t. He is brainwashing you to believe you can’t do anything (and those goal posts will always move) so should feel absolutely engulfed in gratitude for any crumbs he accidentally drops. Stop listening to him.

Stop playing that reel in your mind. Turn the channel.

There is soooo much to do. I am not a traveler either, so...I don’t travel. I cook, read, sew/quilt, garden (this is the year(s) of the stepping stone), train my dog. It is perfectly ok to pursue solitary pursuits. (Or even study grammar !)

Hissy is right: PARASITE.

Your melancholy is a transition, it is temporary. Don’t look back. Things will be better, and you will still have your home and your money. You have been blessed with getting out in the nick of time.

Do something for you today. Something you want to do without the influence of negative opinions stopping you.

You are doing so well. It will get better. You don't need to be alone for the rest of your life just because you're not with him. There are other much nicer people in the world. Allow yourself to grieve for the lost relationship then move on.

I think, cariad, that he is a wanker, sorry. I cannot imagine being alone at your age (near my age) but I think he wants everything his own way and that is no partnership, that’s a controlling man. He wants you to fall in with what HE wants and sod your ambitions.

I can't do this anymore. It is killing me. Sat here crying into my gin. .
People say "you were happy before you knew him". Well no actually I wasn't. I wasn't happy being single and I have been so happy with him. The relationship was great for years. I miss him so much. I don't mean to sound ungrateful but I don't care about independence, ability to do what I want, travel blah blah.
I am sociable, loyal, loving, educated, solvent, been told I am attractive (DM genes). Why isn't this enough? I travelled nearly every weekend to his place. Why can't he move in with me. It's only 10 miles away? Can't even enjoy going out -I just see couples everywhere.

Not sure if you need a virtual slap or hug. Both maybe. The man is an abusive arse. Where is your self esteem? He's not worth all this shit. If you want to be with an abusive arse then sure, go back to him. You're looking at the past through rose tinted glasses and ignoring all the crap he dished out. You are worth more than this. You've split up. It's time to move on. Only you can know the best way to make that happen but you've had good advice here. You're suffering a double bereavement: your mum and your relationship. If not already then please get some counselling

It is early days in the heartbreak but it will get better.

It is natural to feel deep loss after 17years but it truly will be ok.
You have so much going for you...what if you knew you would meet a new man, one who was not looking to take from you, would you be able to tolerate the grief now?

Trust that it will be ok and he has done you a favour.

There's a lid for every pot, he's not your lid. This relationship will never be simple and easy because no matter how much you want him, he doesn't fit.

You seem to have a regular routine to spend time with him, would you consider filling that time doing something else? Other posters have mentioned travel because that's their passion, not yours. Find yours and do that. Sod him and his shallow dream of a fabulous house with your money, and your caring for him in his old age.

OP, please don't go back to that sorry excuse of a man. He is abusive, the "nice" times are designed to keep you hanging on, to think that there is good in him and if you do what he wants, he'll be nice all the time, but it doesn't work like that.

Every single person on this thread (and your dear mum by the sounds of it) have the measure of this man, but you're ignoring all the shit he's dished out to you, in favour of remembering the good times.

This is not what a good relationship looks like. I've been with my husband for 19 years, and he still treats me with the utmost respect. This is how it should be, not what you've been suffering.

This will hurt for a while, you haven't been able to grieve properly for your mum, and now you're also grieving the loss of your relationship, but what you're grieving about that is the fantasy of a loving relationship, not the reality of what it actually was.

You can get through this time, and out of the other side. I think you should get some counselling, and please do look into the Freedom Programme. You spent a long time looking after other people, now it's time to look after yourself, and when you're in a healthy mindset, you will find love again, please believe that.

You CAN have loving relationship, just not with him. Find someone else to find out what a good relationship is like

Warning: Op doesn't listen to advice.

Op, because you can't or won't listen to advice then go ahead and do as he says.

Once he's on the deeds he'll get shot of you.

You want the fantasy which he has shown glimpses of in the early days before he got tired of waiting for you to sell up.

His rude, nasty behaviour towards you is his punishment for you not doing as he says. Don't forget he expects to be looked after but he won't do that for you.

You pine for the fantasy of him and not the real him.

The reality will be you cutting the grass and doing all the maintenance as you have been doing but the house will be half his and he won't be lifting a finger as he has no pride and is lazy hence not bothering as he knows you'll do it.

Go ahead and do as he asks op as you are living in a fantasy if you think he'll miraculously change once his hands are on half your assets.

Everyone has pointed out but you have your hands over your ears going nana no nana.

Oh dear.

Please get some counciling.

Please please look a the freedom programme. Google it.

You've been posting on here for nigh on 4 years about how bad your relationship is, you've had great advice and yet don't seem to have read any of it and you're still whinging about him. I'm sorry but get a grip. We've all lost close family, it's inevitable and you can't change it. What you can change is how you react and deal with it. Being single in your 50s is not the end of the world. Having a man in your life does not complete you. Having someone special in your life is nice to have but you need to be happy in your own skin first. Read back all the responses to all your posts and properly read them. Take note of the advice and think deeply about it. Move on from him.

I am tired of being responsible for everything - paying the bills, cutting the grass etc etc. Like him, I want someone to support me and have my back.

That's not unreasonable to want, but this man is not that person and whilst you stay with him you won't find that person. He is being abusive. I've been there. It does get worse before it gets better IME. I am nearly 50 and on my own (though I do have DC) and it's way better than being with a selfish, abusive partner.

I Had a look at your past threads too.

OP please get some counselling. You have been bereaved and need some support. You also have no boundaries, no self esteem or self worth. You honestly seem to think that this is someone who loves you. It is quite concerning that it has gone on this long.

In some ways I think you are both toxic, I do see that you have much more valid and grounded reasons for not moving to England/around your finances but it is like you are testing each other and it has become a game. You both want something from each other that neither will give in to. You both have expectations that do not match. You will not be his nursemaid in his old age and buy him 5 cars and a boat and he will not marry you or ever be happy with you like you want him to be. He sounds like he wants to be more miserable than you and in control of your life as he was probably jealous.

I mean he’s been quite honest about how he views your relationship and the expectations and frankly he sounds pretty stubborn so you only have 2 options: give in to him or leave him and be single.

Both will leave you unhappy and you know that. Just one will leave you poor and unhappy

You haven’t given in to his demands all these years because you know they are very unreasonable, I think the pain you are facing now is not missing him but that reality is crashing down around you of the past 17 years. This is why I said please reach out to a counsellor, perhaps this could help you.

This might sound harsh but from what youve said you want someone who wants what you have, not you.

You're not willing/ready to give it so he's left you to find someone who will.

He's a user and has realised he's gotten all he can get from you.

Get rid of him and leep your lovely home

Sorry that your feeling so down OP, please talk to your doctor about conselling. In the meantime I think he's made his position quite clear...he will be nice to you as long as you give him ( and I mean give) half a house that he will choose and you will buy. He's made it clear that he's worried about his retirement. You've done really well in holding strong to see if he wants you if you are not going to fund it. He didn't. Its s**t and i'm so sorry but he didn't. Instead he decided he's taken you for as much as there is and now he's off to find someone else to support him. If you go back you'll be in a significantly worse position. Stay strong. This will pass and better days will come.