Should I sell my house for DP?

[starshine1926]

DP and I have been together 17 yrs, living separately. I spend half the week at his place.
I have a buy to let on an interest only mortgage. There will be about 40/50k equity in the house when I sell it. It has been rented out for 10 years.

I am living in my late DM house which I inherited, along with some cash. DM died 18 months ago and it has been very hard for me as I have no kids or siblings. No close family left. I still miss DM as I was her carer for a few years and her last years were traumatic. DM house is a 3 bed detached with a large plot in front which could accommodate 2 houses. Sorry to sound mercenary but this is relevant to the discussion IMO. I love the peace and quiet, the views and the spacious plot.

DP house is a shitpit in need of major renovation, fronting a very busy road. He has done absolutely nothing to it, because he 'did not intend staying there'.

So our problem is that we have never been able to agree on where to live together. Yesterday, I was dumped by DP because he is tired of being 'bored and lonely'. This has been brewing since DM died and he also now has a small inheritance which he can use to clear his mortgage. He has said he is going to find someone else to live with him to help pay the bills and look after him. I asked him 10+ yrs ago to move into my house but he refused, saying he didn't like the area. I offered to sell so we could buy together but he refused because he 'doesn't want to buy a home in Wales'. He automatically assumed I would sell DM house when she died: cue absolute fury that I have failed to do so. On the day of DM funeral, he was picking out the furniture to dump, which I found upsetting to say the least.

DM house is in a small country town, 20 mins drive from coast/city. But DP says he will never live in a 'fucking shithole village again'. He has lived half his life in Wales but is always slagging off the people and the country. Ironic really, as loads of English people have moved to my area.

I think if DP had been 100% committed to me I would be thinking differently. He has been verbally abusive, a bit of a Jekyll and Hyde person eg he left me alone at Xmas, 3 weeks after DM died. So I am very wary of selling my 'safe space' and asset for my old age.

I also own 2 commercial properties and DP is involved in running our business. If this split is final, it will mean a major headache and lots of extra work while I adjust, find help etc.

The flip side of this is my despair at the thought of being alone again. The MN horror stories re. OLD do not inspire confidence and I am in my 50's. AIBU to think there is no point to life without DP or family? I am in a no win situation. I will be hearbroken to lose either my house or DP. Obviously there are some benefits to the relationship or I wouldn't still be with him. But it's not very nice when he says he has wasted 17 years of his life on me waiting for our shared future. What do I do?

Dump dump dump. Horrible little man. You will be fine alone, you're financially secure ok you're alone so what? You can completely please yourself and do exactly what you want to do.
Enjoy your home, memories of your mother and the rest of your life.
Better to be lonely alone than lonely in a relationship.

If he's already dumped you then your question is irrelevant surely as you no longer need to do anything at all for him. Completely agree you've had a lucky escape! Enjoy being single

You have had a lucky escape. He sounds like a To*r . If he had moved in or you both purchased somewhere together, he would have had a claim on all your properties he might have spent your money then when it had run out dump you. I'm sorry if that is a brutal assessment.
At 50ish you have time to find someone better. Plenty of people find someone in their 60's,70's even 80's.
Good luck xx

I would rather die alone and get eaten by my cats than be with someone like your DP.

What a horrendous excuse of a human being!

You've got loads going for yourself.

He is a pathetic individual who has been going along always working out what's in it for him.

Say you did sell up and move in, you've risked your assets for a guy who will probably have you as housekeeper whilst running bits on the side when he decides you're too old or too naggy or too high maintenance (read - perfectly reasonable woman who knows her worth)

Head up OP. You don't need him

OP you are never too old to find love and let's face it is not old these days.

As for your ex partner what a monumentous dickheads. You are much better off without him. And finding help with regards to your commercial properties should not be a problem.

Seeing as he was expecting you to look after him speaks volumes, a man who does not take pride in his surroundings is definitely not the type of person you want to waste any more time with.

You have the world in front of You, you can travel, date, take up new hobbies, make new friends.

Do not feel lonely you have so much to look forward too and by the sounds of it he was a bit beneath you.

He's a dick. Lost him. Keep the house.

He has treated you badly in your time of need. You can't come back from that. The relationship is doomed even if you do sell the house so you can move in with him so he can save some cash and you can wash his pants and cook his dinner.

The longer you leave it before ending it properly the more of your life you waste on something going nowhere.

I genuinely don't understand. Why do you think being with this mercenary arsehole is better than being on your own?

My grandmother married a gorgeous man when they were both in their seventies. You have no idea what you're missing whilst you muddle along with this dickhead, but if you're single for the rest of your life so what?

Woah, red flags everywhere. Wave him goodbye and let him go. What a prick.

Picking beloved furniture to throw out when you're grieving?

Wants someone to look after him?

Sounds like a cocklodger to me.

Run like the wind! He sounds like an utter tool, and a big liability.

He wants someone to look after him and pay his bills??! At least he's upfront with his massively unattractive selfishness.

Oh starshine my dear.
Don't let him back.
He wants to find someone to live with him, help pay the bills and look after him and he was deciding which items of yours ( your mum's) HE was going to dump on the day of her funeral??? Nasty nasty little man.
Why were you still with him? I would rather be on my own!

"On the day of DM funeral, he was picking out the furniture to dump, which I found upsetting to say the least." That ALONE is a damn good reason to dump HIM! Wtf!!!

He sounds like a prize...DICK!

Get rid of the dead weight, join old, hobby groups whatever (with an outlook to meet people/make friends rather than specifically find a life partner).

Is he the reason you don't have DC? Because of all his commitment avoiding bullshit?

You deserve better.

FYI I used to work in the wedding industry, yea old can be tricky BUT no more so than 'real life' dating ime. I dealt with several brides in their 50's/60's that met groom through old even a few 70's!

On the loneliness front, I had a lovely lodger last year. I know it's not the same as a partner, but she was good company. Maybe something to consider?

Your settling because you think that’s better than being alone. You deserve 100% more. If he loved you, he wouldn’t be saying he will find someone else to live with and look after him.

Please don’t settle, ditch him move on x

50 is nothing . I remarried at 56 having said I'd never ever consider it again having spent 25 years lifting and laying a lazy man. (Left him At 46)
At 50 I was not without dates. I was not past it. Neither are you. I'm married now for 13 years and leaving ex was the best move ever. I left not knowing how I'd cope, but cope I did. And better to start again than to make do. He does not great you well, enough said. If he's gone, keep him gone.

Change is challenging, which can be a good thing. Take care of you !!

Thank christ you never married this fucker

Christ, just read the history - seriously, get rid. By all means sell a business or house, but use it to take some pressure off yourself and do NOT give a single penny to the racist, lazy, money grabbing, cock lodging, selfish bastard.

This sounds like a wonderful opportunity to storage over in all aspects of your life, if I were you I’d grab it with both hands

God yes, it would be so much trickier if you were married. This way you can just hit the road!

So he wants you to sell dm house so he can live in a new house of his choosing in an area of his choosing and have you service his every need???

Plus if you have not lived together for 17 years you might find its total shit anyway.

For some people hitting the bottom is just what they need to bounce right back.

He has been biding his time waiting for your mother to die so he could get his hands on your money. His behaviour at your mother's funeral is astonishing. You must have been incredibly upset to lose her and then he left you alone on your first christmas without her.

Surely any life is better than one with him.

He wants your family wealth, and for you to cook and clean for him for the rest of his days, he is put out because you are objecting.

Choose a nice lodger to move in to keep you company, maybe a friend, make some plans for your future and get shot of him.

Yes 17 wasted years it might be, but better than the 37 wasted years yet to come, not to mention being fleeced of your inheritance.

It sounds like you have made most of the effort in this relationship. You spend half the week at his house, you offered him the chance to move into your house & when he said no you offered to sell your house & buy one with him & he said no. His behaviour on the day of your mother's funeral was appallingly insensitive & then leaving you on your own at Christmas 3 weeks after your Mum died was so cruel. This man is a knob & a complete and utter wankstain. I am sorry but it is YOU that has wasted 17 years of your life on this arsehole, not him. He has shown you that he is not prepared to make any changes in order for you to be together and the remark about finding someone to look after him should be the wakeup call you need. Don't waste any more time on this man and don't sell your lovely home. If you keep investing headspace in this dickwad you will never be available to meet anyone else, once he is out of your life you never know who might come into your life, but you have to be free and single to allow that possiblity. Even if you stay single, better that than be with such a callous, selfish bellend. You are worth so much more Op.

I'm in my fifties.

Do not go into your autumn years with a knob. This will be your 'helpmeet' when you are unwell, older, frail ... just don't pick him. You'll be better off on your own, paying for help as and when; and one day meeting someone nice.

Gently disentangle the business interests. Or do it brutally if that suits. But don't be in this position - you don't need a class bully in your life.

Being alone at 50 is way better than being yoked to a selfish arse hole like your DP.

Forget OLD - that is just as full of arseholes. Start living your life. Join a craft group, a walking group, a book group, whatever you are interested in. Sign up for some adult education classes in woodwork or learn a new language. At some point you may meet someone special. If not then you'll be too busy to care.

This DP is not a keeper. He doesn't even like you that much. Get rid.

Congratulations on being dumped by this waste of space. He has done you a favour and saved you a job.

He hasn't wasted his time, but it sadly looks like you have.

You do not need a man to complete you. Look around your local area and join some clubs, you may even meet somebody that way, but do it for yourself, to get out, meet people.

Enjoy your independence, make the most of it, and enjoy your lovely home without him being there to spoil it.

DO NOT sell your house, DO NOT take this loser back again.