Should I sell my house for DP?

[starshine1926]

DP and I have been together 17 yrs, living separately. I spend half the week at his place.
I have a buy to let on an interest only mortgage. There will be about 40/50k equity in the house when I sell it. It has been rented out for 10 years.

I am living in my late DM house which I inherited, along with some cash. DM died 18 months ago and it has been very hard for me as I have no kids or siblings. No close family left. I still miss DM as I was her carer for a few years and her last years were traumatic. DM house is a 3 bed detached with a large plot in front which could accommodate 2 houses. Sorry to sound mercenary but this is relevant to the discussion IMO. I love the peace and quiet, the views and the spacious plot.

DP house is a shitpit in need of major renovation, fronting a very busy road. He has done absolutely nothing to it, because he 'did not intend staying there'.

So our problem is that we have never been able to agree on where to live together. Yesterday, I was dumped by DP because he is tired of being 'bored and lonely'. This has been brewing since DM died and he also now has a small inheritance which he can use to clear his mortgage. He has said he is going to find someone else to live with him to help pay the bills and look after him. I asked him 10+ yrs ago to move into my house but he refused, saying he didn't like the area. I offered to sell so we could buy together but he refused because he 'doesn't want to buy a home in Wales'. He automatically assumed I would sell DM house when she died: cue absolute fury that I have failed to do so. On the day of DM funeral, he was picking out the furniture to dump, which I found upsetting to say the least.

DM house is in a small country town, 20 mins drive from coast/city. But DP says he will never live in a 'fucking shithole village again'. He has lived half his life in Wales but is always slagging off the people and the country. Ironic really, as loads of English people have moved to my area.

I think if DP had been 100% committed to me I would be thinking differently. He has been verbally abusive, a bit of a Jekyll and Hyde person eg he left me alone at Xmas, 3 weeks after DM died. So I am very wary of selling my 'safe space' and asset for my old age.

I also own 2 commercial properties and DP is involved in running our business. If this split is final, it will mean a major headache and lots of extra work while I adjust, find help etc.

The flip side of this is my despair at the thought of being alone again. The MN horror stories re. OLD do not inspire confidence and I am in my 50's. AIBU to think there is no point to life without DP or family? I am in a no win situation. I will be hearbroken to lose either my house or DP. Obviously there are some benefits to the relationship or I wouldn't still be with him. But it's not very nice when he says he has wasted 17 years of his life on me waiting for our shared future. What do I do?

No no no no no. You are worth a million of him. I honestly think you would be in for a very unhappy time with this man, do not sell your home. Put up with the headache of splitting with him and sorting out more help for your business, but do not put up with his shit any longer.

He's horrible OP and you know it. Please be done with him. You deserve better.

He only thinks he's wasted 17 years because he hasn't got his hands on your cash. Is that really a man you want to be with?

*Have most posters missed the bit where she says he'd dumped her??!!
*
Why is everyone saying to dump him? He's already ended the relationship according to the OP. So I'm confused as to the point of this as OP can't sell her house for her DP as she hasn't got a DP anymore

He sounds revolting. You have a fantastic new future unfettered by a money grabbing horrible person. Enjoy!

Starshine, last year I went through a shocking tragic family bereavement, and my world fell apart. I was at the lowest ebb in my life, and my ex partner just ground me down even more and used this event to his own advantage. The fight had gone out of me, and put up with the most deplorable behaviour because I was totally worn out. I wasn't strong enough to stand up to him and it just got intolerable.

I totally understand loneliness, I understand the feeling of believing you will never meet any one to share your life with. I also understand grief and how it can effect someone, on a daily basis at any given moment. Grief wears us out and makes us weak, I couldn't deal with anything I was as flat as a pancake.

Then one morning I woke up and felt 'normal' for the first time in months, you know what I did? I gave him notice and finally kicked his sorry arse out of my life, and grieved again because I believed my life was now and truly devoid of happiness.

I now have peace in my life, I have control of my choices and decisions, and only now realise how he totally manipulated my thinking.

You love your DM house, it sounds beautiful and peaceful and I feel this is the place you will find your feet, and this is a new start for you. Don't be downtrodden any longer. Life will present you new horizons and opportunities, new friendships, I just know it.

You sound like a wonderful and caring woman, don't let this man take advantage of you, you deserve so much better. Your mum would want you to be happy, can you imagine what she would say if she knew how this man has been treating you?!

Take a stand now, your life belongs to you, not to a manipulative free loader.

You can do this, it's difficult I know but you owe it to yourself, you owe that man nothing! Sending you strength and love.

X

He is not a 'D'P!!!! I'm sorry, but what a horrible man. I actually split with my ExH after 11 years together a month after my Mum (last parent) died...it brought in to the light that life was too short for his selfishness and bullying. There was no support from him at all. I had a few years on my own then met my darling Husband at last attempt at OLD!! He brings me so much gentle peace and contentment which is all I ever wanted. What do you,truly, want? Everybody deserves respect, do you truly feel respected?

Reading this I'm just bewildered at why you're with him?

Better be lonely alone than be lonely with a mentally abusive cocklodger.

I'm sorry for the loss of your DM, OP, but don't confuse the familiarity of having someone there, with being in a happy or even half reasonable partnership.

Oh OP, you are worth much more than this. I am a similar age to you, but you cannot use that to justify a sunk cost fallacy in this relationshit.

What really stood out for me was this - He has said he is going to find someone else to live with him to help pay the bills and look after him.

That is what he wants - some sort of paying servant - surely you aren't going to fall for this????

I date sometimes when i meet someone I like, but to be honest, I don't need a man/partner as I am very busy and fulfilled with work and friends. I cannot imagine what he has done to your self esteem to think that what he is offering is remotely acceptable. It isn't.

Spend some time on your own and enjoy rediscovering what YOU want. Let him find his next victim, and good luck to her.

I loved for 20+ years in an area that I really didn't like because XH insisted he could live nowhere else. I put up with it because of him. When he buggered off, I moved elsewhere and am happy being single. This guy sounds like a prize knob. Please, for your own self esteem, get rid of him. Get legal advice about your business and then dump him. You deserve far better.

I agree with @rememberthetime. It's time for you to have an adventure - sell what you need to sell, keep your mum's house and rent it out, then set off for an adventure somewhere.

You need to separate yourself in every way from this man - no more giving him half your rental income (I've read the other thread) and no more business partnership. He's really bad for you. I read in your other thread that your mum didn't like him - well, neither do we, and we can't all be wrong! Get away from him and spend a year travelling, working abroad, making new friends and just having fun.

He's done you an enormous favour by removing himself from your relationship - saves you doing it! You are well rid, stick out this transition period as you readjust your mental image of a future without him. Very very soon you will feel enormous relief he is gone, and be making plans that make you smile.

To answer your question OP no you shouldn’t sell your house for your dp. As you said, if he’d been committed and supportive during the whole relationship then maybe a conversation about where to live would be on the cards.

But all he’s done is be mercenary towards you, vile when your dm died and seems to only be interested in using you to his own ends.

Personally I’d stay dumped and look after myself and eventually find someone who wants to be with me and nit my house or money

By the way my parents live in a village in wales and it’s gorgeous and they love it!

Turn your DP into an ExP and find your own happiness.

Sparkle in the OP she says he has dumped her. Lots of people are missing that bit.

Yes but for 'dumped me' people are reading 'had a hissy fit to get me to agree to his demands', which seems quite reasonable given the background to this dysfunctional relationship.

I think what posters are also saying is that when he magnanimously decides to give OP 'another chance', which he will, she should say No Thanks I'd Rather Eat Worms.

I don’t really understand what the shared future he wants is? Is it for you to sell and move to a city in England?

Do you actively want to stay living in your Mum ‘s house, or is it still part of your grieving process that you are not yet ready to sell?

Are you hanging on to that house in the same way as you are hanging on to a relationship? Because you can’t let go, rather than because it is what you actively want?

Sending you some you are having a rough time and need people who will care about you, not a partner who sees you as a co investing cash cow.

Yes the 'D'P has dumped her but to be honest it sounds like manipulation to get her to do what he wants. Of course, I could be wrong, but it sounds like him saying I've dumped you because you haven't done what I wanted but we could get back together if you do what I want and sell the house.
OP, he's dumped you. He is an absolute knob. Do not sell your house. Live in it and live the life you want without that dickhead bringing you down.
It sounds to me like he's being living the life of riley for 17 years - you staying with him half the week, him having freedom to do what he likes for the rest of the time. Now he sees retirement approaching (how old is he by the way?) and wants to make sure he is cared for and has a comfortable retirement so he's putting pressure on you to sell your home, buy a house that he wants to live in and have a live in housekeeper/carer.
Fuck that.
Do not take this idiot back because in a couple of weeks he'll be crawling back with a load of old baloney.
By the way, 50s is not old at all - there are plenty of single people in their 50s doing all sorts of amazing things. Get out there and enjoy your life.

Just read your post on this thread which someone linked to upthread
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2174271-Major-problem-partner-wants-to-move-location-and-I-dont

Print that out, pin it on your wall and look at it every time he tries to worm his way back in.
If he hates Wales and Welsh people so much he should fuck off somewhere else. On. His. Own.

Why is everyone saying to dump him? He's already ended the relationship according to the OP. So I'm confused as to the point of this as OP can't sell her house for her DP as she hasn't got a DP anymore

Because I strongly suspect that if she agreed to sell her house he'd be back like a shot.

Don't sell your house. Don't take him back. Stop giving him half your rental income. Split the business and move on. There are nice people out there, but you will never meet them while he is in your life.

It must be very hard after losing your DM, but settling for someone like this is not the solution.

“Dumping” you is a form of manipulation / blackmail designed to make you agree to sell your house in desperation to stay with him.
Don’t do it!
Are you really that desperate to stay with this prick who only seems hell bent on extracting as much money out of you?
What would your DM say about this ? She wouldnt want you being taken advantage of and wouldn’t like the idea of you selling the property she left you, to benefit him.

OP, I have just read some of your other threads linked here, and 4 years ago people advised you to stop wasting time with this man, oh how I wish you had took their advice.

This man:

refuses to do up his own house
smokes drugs
takes half of your rental income
is a lazy useless tosser

I rarely say LTB but oh my god, thank god it is over. You have lost nothing and gained your self respect and your life back. He clearly is just in it for the money now and I bet he thinks you will go running after him. PLEASE DON'T! Please do not ever marry this man. At the moment he is not entitled to anything from you. Keep it that way and look after yourself

I know it can be lonely being on your own, I have been on my own for a few years, but I would rather be on my own than live with a man like that.

I can understand that you feel you have nothing left, but you can find a life and find things to do, honestly you can.

I started to put together your post as bullet points for you OP, but then every single line of your post was one blow after the other

I think he thought he'd be living the high life on your dollar

He is a parasite living off you and while you have gone around and about, bending over backwards to help him fit in with your life, all he's been doing is working how to improve his lifestyle at your expense.

he is showing you who he is. Listen. Rather than comfort you at the loss of your DM, he was picking through her furniture. That is enough in itself for YOU to bin HIM.

Beyond furious that you have not sold your DM house? NOt his fucking business!

Get your commercial interests working properly without him in the picture, focus on that and the rest will follow

do not, ever, in a million gazillion years take him back.