Should I sell my house for DP?

[starshine1926]

DP and I have been together 17 yrs, living separately. I spend half the week at his place.
I have a buy to let on an interest only mortgage. There will be about 40/50k equity in the house when I sell it. It has been rented out for 10 years.

I am living in my late DM house which I inherited, along with some cash. DM died 18 months ago and it has been very hard for me as I have no kids or siblings. No close family left. I still miss DM as I was her carer for a few years and her last years were traumatic. DM house is a 3 bed detached with a large plot in front which could accommodate 2 houses. Sorry to sound mercenary but this is relevant to the discussion IMO. I love the peace and quiet, the views and the spacious plot.

DP house is a shitpit in need of major renovation, fronting a very busy road. He has done absolutely nothing to it, because he 'did not intend staying there'.

So our problem is that we have never been able to agree on where to live together. Yesterday, I was dumped by DP because he is tired of being 'bored and lonely'. This has been brewing since DM died and he also now has a small inheritance which he can use to clear his mortgage. He has said he is going to find someone else to live with him to help pay the bills and look after him. I asked him 10+ yrs ago to move into my house but he refused, saying he didn't like the area. I offered to sell so we could buy together but he refused because he 'doesn't want to buy a home in Wales'. He automatically assumed I would sell DM house when she died: cue absolute fury that I have failed to do so. On the day of DM funeral, he was picking out the furniture to dump, which I found upsetting to say the least.

DM house is in a small country town, 20 mins drive from coast/city. But DP says he will never live in a 'fucking shithole village again'. He has lived half his life in Wales but is always slagging off the people and the country. Ironic really, as loads of English people have moved to my area.

I think if DP had been 100% committed to me I would be thinking differently. He has been verbally abusive, a bit of a Jekyll and Hyde person eg he left me alone at Xmas, 3 weeks after DM died. So I am very wary of selling my 'safe space' and asset for my old age.

I also own 2 commercial properties and DP is involved in running our business. If this split is final, it will mean a major headache and lots of extra work while I adjust, find help etc.

The flip side of this is my despair at the thought of being alone again. The MN horror stories re. OLD do not inspire confidence and I am in my 50's. AIBU to think there is no point to life without DP or family? I am in a no win situation. I will be hearbroken to lose either my house or DP. Obviously there are some benefits to the relationship or I wouldn't still be with him. But it's not very nice when he says he has wasted 17 years of his life on me waiting for our shared future. What do I do?

Hi OP,

I echo others you sound like you need counselling.

You are fortunate in that you have your health and are financially stable l.

Going back to this guy is a huge mistake - he was simply a plaster and distraction from what’s going on.
you need to find a way to move forward not to keep looking back.

@starshine1926

Just finished reading your PP. He's been a selfish cunt for years.

Getting rid of him will be the best thing for you even though it doesn't seem like it right now.

You been with him for nearly 2 decades of course you're going to be sad.

Have him buy out your part of the business and be done with him.

Oh yeah, and that bit you said about being fed up with mowing the lawn, you don't seriously think he will do it, do you? When you've said he's done nothing on his own place because he's too lazy?

It will still be you mowing the lawn, with the added stress of knowing he could help, but won't, and will probably have a go at you if you don't do it one week, and call YOU lazy.

And it will be the same with the housework, and decorating, and DIY, and all the general maintenance that the house will need.

You're living in cloud cuckoo land if you think it will be any different.

OP do not settle just because you are lonely, go dating, sign up to dating sites. The right man will come along but please be careful as there are just as many men out like your partner who will take advantage of your sweet kind nature.

If you date carefully ensure that your social circle is with people of similar background and financial means as yourself you will be fine.

Do not give up hope, trust me I thought I was going to be a crazy cat lady for the rest of my life. It took me a few years but I found the perfect man for me, my daughter and my cats. :) xx

OP, there are legal ways that are watertight to ensure you keep your money and equity in your property if you move in together. You need to see a solicitor who can explain to you how to do this, providing you do not marry him. Would this be an option for you? I am a np solicitor and it is easy to do. Advice will cost you around 200 and will save you thousands. Personally I think you are being played, but protect your finances whatever you do. You might do well to remove control of your commercial property from him. Always know exactly what is going on, see the statements and documents yourself, and keep yourself financially secure. Don't trust other people to look after your finances. Be your own woman with or without him. There are nice men out there, there are also a lot of players.

I met my husband online, but not through online dating, we met on a group for an interest we shared. This was in the early days of the Net and OLD sites weren't really a thing. I don't think I would have signed up to a specific dating site if they were though. Too many men (often married going by the many threads on here) just looking for a shag.

I think you'd be better off joining clubs and groups for different interests. That way you get to have fun, make friends, and get to know any potential dates before actually dating.

Do you know in all this post the only thing I have heard you say you want to do is turn your dm’ s house into your home . Do it . Find what else you want to do . It doesn’t have to be to travel. It can be a hobby learn something . Do you not have friends to go away with .

This man doesn’t want you . He is sometimes nice to keep you hooked in . You are searching for that nice guy he can be but that one is an act

You said on an earlier thread that your DM didn't like this knob. She must have had good reasons. What would she be saying to you now?

Honestly you have had a lucky escape and it won't always feel this bad. Get some counselling and think about what you're going to do with your DMs lovely house. Throw yourself into Project House and concentrate on that. It sounds fabulous.

He wants a nurse and a purse and lucky you, he's decided you'll do. Don't you think you're worth any more than that?

Of course you're going through a hard time right now - it's early days without him, but it will get easier and once you've got some distance and perspective you'll realise that you've dodged a bullet with this charmer. (And just remember that whatever charm he's turned your way is to get his hands on an easy life at your expense.) Stay strong.

Tell us about your plans for your house. I love interior design.

I feel so angry on your behalf. This "dumping" is merely a ruse to get you to capitulate to his demands. Please do not. This man is no prize, other than a prize bastard. Please don't allow your loneliness to make you even more vulnerable to him. He is a vampire.

I am a man. He sounds like a twat. Ditch him. Believe me even if you had to live on your own it would be better but at "in your fifties" ,well your not finished yet ! There are plenty of single men also "in their fifties" out there for if and when you are ready to dip your toe again..

Ah now come on. You are smashing and he is so not. Come on now, keep going, and you will get past this and feel better, you will, I have been there. He's a twat and not worth you. Stay strong now