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1 month since mum's death and alone at Xmas cause partner is fed up of my "misery".

(33 Posts)
starshine1926 Wed 21-Dec-16 16:51:59

I posted on here last month after my mum's death and you were all supportive so perhaps you can advise me on a situation which I don't think is normal.

I am still grieving mum's death and have been coping ok in the day when I have to do stuff (self employed). Obviously it is worse in the evenings when I have time to reflect. I have found the build up to Xmas very hard as DM loved Xmas shopping. I have had a couple of anxiety attacks in the small hours but I assume that is par for the course. Being an only child has made it harder as there is no family support.

Initially my partner was supportive when DM was ill and up to and after the funeral. However, I haven't been able to talk to him about her illness, death etc since then as he says there is no point, its in the past and he doesn't want to hear it all the time.

We have been together a long time but live together only half the week in separate houses. I assumed we would spend Xmas together as we always do and so booked a carvery Xmas lunch for the day and I paid for it.
He has now told me he doesn't want to spend Xmas with me because I will be miserable and he wants a nice time not 'depression'. Today he offered to come to the Xmas lunch only if I didn't mention my mother! I am now faced with cancelling the meal to try and recoup my cash - nearly £100.
Partner is miserable because he is skint and has had toothache for weeks. He had teeth removed due to infected gums. He has also repeatedly moaned about shouldering more of the workload of our joint business. Hardly a week passes when he doesnt whinge about the fact I spent the past 2 years caring for DM (as well as working my socks off in the business).Also moaning his sex life isn't as good as it was.

So I 'll be spending my first Xmas without DM alone. I have friends and will see them some time but obviously they have their own families. Partner will probably go to his daughters place. I told him he was a vile, cold heartless bastard but he just said I don't appreciate what he's been through . Which is a joke ffs as he has no bloody idea of the pain watching your DM suffer and decline for 2 years. It hasn't affected him because DM never liked him and they had no relationship.
Surely I have a right to expect more support than this?

Rubyslippers7780 Wed 21-Dec-16 16:56:39

Of course!! flowers
It has only been a few weeks. Your partner sounds really unsupportive.
You need care and love not this. He sounds totally heartless and selfish.
Have you any extended family or close family friends where you could get support?

ArcheryAnnie Wed 21-Dec-16 16:59:14

Your partner doesn't sound like a very nice person, starshine. It's natural for you to be grieving, and will be for some time yet.

Is there anyone else you know who will be at a loose end on Christmas that you can invite for Christmas dinner at the carvery?

defineme Wed 21-Dec-16 16:59:43

I am very sorry about your mother. Your dp is awful and I understand why your dm didnt like him! Can you imagine your life without him? Could you buy him out of the business? Better to be alone on xmas day thanwith a cruel heartless bastard.

Ohdearducks Wed 21-Dec-16 17:04:13

What a prick! He thinks having teeth out is on par with the loss of a Mother? Send him with his bags to his daughter's because he's a grade A fuckhead.
I'm so sorry about your mum OP flowers

AmberEars Wed 21-Dec-16 17:04:15

I can't believe he told you he'll only spend Christmas Day with you if you promise not to mention your mum shock

flowers for you, OP

donatellamas Wed 21-Dec-16 17:04:57

What an arsehole. You very much do have the right to expect more than this. I'm so sorry that he is putting you through more heartache at a time when he should be supporting you.

ITCouldBeWorse Wed 21-Dec-16 17:07:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tribpot Wed 21-Dec-16 17:16:07

Everyone knows that these milestones, particularly in the first year after the death, are very hard for those who are grieving. When I say 'everyone', apparently not your DP.

I hope you can get your money back from the carvery - I would explain that you've had a bereavement and see what they say. Alternatively if there's anyone you know who will be on their own, do invite them along.

I think all form of partnership between you and him needs to be dissolved in the new year.

So sorry for your loss.

notquitegrownup2 Wed 21-Dec-16 17:18:56

Yy to expecting more support. IME it is quite normal to struggle for the first year after losing someone close to you.

Please look up Cruse bereavement counselling. They have a good website - and are a fantastic organisation staffed by people who really understand how grief affects us and who are there to listen. They offer face to face counselling - well, listening really - but also have a telephone listening service 9.30 - 5pm each day but also Thursday evenings, when they are open until 8pm. The phone number 0808808 1677 You will find someone there who understands how you are feeling and who will listen to you.

And Yy finding someone to go with you to the carvery if you can. I wonder if your local church or Help the Aged might be able to suggest someone you could invite, if you don't know anyone who is at a lose end?

Thinking of you. The firsts are without doubt the hardest, when you have lost someone: first Christmas, first birthday, first holiday etc. Be kind to yourself - remember, that's what your mum would have wanted. And don't be afraid to come back here. There's always someone on MN who will listen <and maybe to advise you how to fix that boyfriend of yours>

Wizardinthegarden Wed 21-Dec-16 17:24:05

Hello Starshine,
I read your other thread but couldn't find the words to post at the time. My mum died 6 months ago, it's a really tough time. Waking up feeling anxious and panicky is totally normal, it is only in recent weeks that I have noticed this fading.

What is not normal is your partners reaction. He should be supporting you practically and emotionally at this time. Some days I come home from work and I just want to crawl into bed. When DH comes home he takes over with the kids and that's exactly what I do. There are days I just burst into tears in the kitchen and he shuffles the kids out and come back to give me a hug. When I am ranting about the hospital or my family he just listens. I only say this to highlight how way out of order your DP is.

It's a shame about the money for the Carvery, but please look after yourself this Christmas. Better to spend the day alone or following some MIL dramas on MN and waste the money then have to not talk about your dear mum. flowersflowers

Merriment Wed 21-Dec-16 17:24:16

So sorry about your mum flowers your partner is a selfish shit.

Wonderflonium Wed 21-Dec-16 17:38:33

He's breaking up with you but making you do it.

ImtheChristmasCarcass Wed 21-Dec-16 18:03:22

Wow. Just wow. "Get over it already", eh? What a bastard.

I think you should formulate a plan to separate yourself from your joint business (see a specialist solicitor) then kick his arse to the kerb.

Better to be alone than wish you were.

echt Wed 21-Dec-16 20:08:58

Where to start? Ohdearducks got it spot on. As if losing your mum wasn't enough.

Many flowers, starshine, so sorry for your loss.

Hellmouth Wed 21-Dec-16 20:13:25

Your partner sounds like a complete cock. I think it's time for you to move on ...!

Colchestergal Wed 21-Dec-16 20:15:32

What a twat and a selfish one too.

Don't stay with someone who had such little regard for you OP. flowers

flumpybear Wed 21-Dec-16 20:17:03

So sorry for your loss. I've lost both my parents - they were alcoholics abd difficult but it still hurt even though I've a very stable and loving family. U neesupport! Yes dont dwell as you can just make yourself more unhappy but you still need comfort - big hugs to you wineflowerschocolatestar

MistresssIggi Wed 21-Dec-16 20:17:16

I don't think you can say he wasn't affected by your mum's illness though, as he has been with you for that time and you have obviously been affected. He is not handling this well at all but it is hard supporting a partner through these hard times. I have been in both positions and I was surprised by how hard I found it. Has he lost a parent yet himself as I find people are less understanding until it happens to them.

ssd Wed 21-Dec-16 20:18:44

unfortunately, as many of us have found out, when you lose someone really really close to you, you find out who your friends are..

he's not your friend or your partner, he's a cold, selfish person who your mum never liked for a reason..and she sounds like she was a good judge of character

it's time to be kind to yourself starshine and first kind thing would be to get shot of this man.

Whatabloodyidiot1 Wed 21-Dec-16 20:28:45

What a grade a wanker. By coincidence I also lost my mum a month ago too. I'm still very much in the shock/raw pain phase of grief. Her death was sudden and unexpected and she was only 60.
By stark contrast my husband has been fantastic, he still has both parents so his support doesn't come from a place of 'I've been there, I know what you're going through' it comes from watching me, his wife, go through the worst pain of her life and doing everything in his power to help me through n everyday possible. From holding me through the night when I cry to taking care of all the Christmas shopping, to doing the cleaning when I can't cope with it to running baths and cooking comforting food. He gets it, he's in it for the long haul, good and bad because that's what a decent husband does. Am I fun to be around at the moment? No, im fucking miserable. And I will be for a long time but I'd be even more miserable if I was having to cope with a selfish twat of a partner too. How gorrrbdous for you to have to cope with that, you deserve kindness and compassion, a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. He's shorn his true colours, I'd be out of there, he's going to set you back in the grieving process and you need to think about yourself right now.

Whatabloodyidiot1 Wed 21-Dec-16 20:29:56

Terrible spelling, I was furious!

alazuli Thu 22-Dec-16 00:57:26


Seriously what a douchebag. You deserve way better than this. At your lowest point you need people around you that will care, love and support you even if you are miserable, especially if you are miserable!

I'm so sorry you're going through this and to be faced with Christmas all alone too. Do you have other relatives you can visit? Or a best friend who wouldn't mind having you over for Xmas with their family? I know Christmas is going to be so tough for me and that's even with my family.

Hugs, OP xx

WyeNot Thu 22-Dec-16 01:08:50

OP, I'm so sorry for your loss. Your partner doesn't sound supportive or reasonable, I imagine Christmas this year will feel very different and you'd need care rather than his comments about not being miserable. I mean what does he expect, that you'd be dancing on the tables?! It seems to lack awareness of your feelings and an inability to prioritise your needs (not great qualities tbh). If I were you I'd try and get my money back and make alternative arrangements. I also agree with notquite about accessing some bereavement counselling.

BiscuitCapitalOfTheWorld Thu 22-Dec-16 01:10:09

Second Cruse, they really are great. Unlike your"d"p


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