Partner says I have no goals

[Miserysquared]

Feeling a bit sorry for myself this morning I think. Had a sort of row with my OH last night.

I have a stressful job, and often work later hours than I am contracted for, I also get badly paid and my boss can be a bit of an asshole. I have to make a change but I find change particularly difficult, and also feel a sense of loyalty to my current workplace. We have had many many many discussions about my job previously. I was prescribed an anti-anxiety medication 6 months ago and have been seeing a CBT counsellor for a few months because work stress (and other life stress) sort of triggered some OCD.

OH says I have been coming home in a state of "defeated exhaustion" of late and that I need to make changes. He is an artistic type who has a 9-5 office job but pursues his "true passion" in the evenings or whenever he has a new project to work on. He has a big goal in life and he doesn't understand why I don't have something like that in my life.

I just don't though. I think when I was younger I had goals, get a degree, buy a house, get a job...all that sort of normal stuff. Probably I was more idealistic and more engaged with issues that mattered to me, but I suppose I see part of growing up as surrendering yourself to the mundane of life. The reality is we need money to buy food so we have to work, regardless of whether we would rather be climbing mount Kilimanjaro (which I don't have any ambition to do either).

I don't even know what i'm trying to ask. He told me he can't understand how I can live life with no big goal to look towards and thinks my life is empty. I feel like he is judging me because I see life differently. For me life is just something to endure.

Anyway...I was upset that he kept telling me I had to "find something" to aim for. He went to bed early clearly feeling exhausted from dealing with me, and I stayed up to the early hours reading and then slept in the spare room.

He left early for work and walked to the train rather than taking a lift with me when I drive to work.

We are supposed to be getting married in October and now I just feel like he thinks I am a loser and that I won't be enough for him unless I try to find something bigger to aim for.

Just not really sure what to do with myself this morning and can't concentrate at work because I feel crap that we have had a row and there is tension.

I agree with your husband. Have you really considered what he said?
Because it sounds like you are just taking it as a personal attack.

I understand what he is talking about, I just don't have it. I don't know how to generate something to aim for? How do I find it?

It felt like a personal attack, and I know he didn't mean it to be, but it's hard not to feel attacked when you have someone you love telling you you're making a mess of your life, or not doing it properly or whatever.

It’s ok not to have big goals but essential to have hobbies that create balance

What do you do outside of work? What makes you feel fulfilled?

What did you enjoy or want to be when you were a child? Or just try different things until you find something that inspires you or makes you feel happy. It really does make all the difference to the way you feel about life.
Also - be brave and find another job. Life is much too short for that. It's probably your job that is doing this to you.

I suppose I see part of growing up as surrendering yourself to the mundane of life.

he can't understand how I can live life with no big goal to look towards and thinks my life is empty... For me life is just something to endure.

Oh, my goodness! That is one of the saddest things I've ever read on here. I completely agree with your husband. Not necessarily that it has to be a 'big' goal, but there should be something!

I don't have 'big' goals, but I always have something I'm working towards.

Whether it's C25K; or taking an evening a week to go swimming; or learning swing dancing; or joining a punk band and playing my first gig; or singing a solo; learning to crochet; soap making; upcycling old shit usefully; taking up dressmaking... I always have something that brings joy and excitement.

What's the point otherwise?

For me life is just something to endure
Oh dear - this is something you need to work on with your counsellor.
That's no way to live.
Why don't you want more for yourself?
Do you enjoy your life?
Do you enjoy spending time with your OH?
Does he make you feel loved?
Do YOU want to marry him?

It sounds like you have a lot of stuff going on.
Anxiety, OCD, etc.....
He may be a contributing factor in all of this.
Have you considered that?
Or is he just really supportive?

We don't have to have big goals in life.
We really don't. However, you should definitely NOT be thinking like this...
I see part of growing up as surrendering yourself to the mundane of life

You get one shot at this life.
Grab it with both hands.
Enjoy what ever parts of it you can.

I actually don't do a lot outside of work. I think in the evenings I do feel tired and generally come home, cook something for dinner, give the house a little tidy, read fro a while, sort of things for the house or wedding. Lots of tasks but nothing very fulfilling. I feel so disconnected from my life that I can 't remember the last time I felt like I had something fulfilling in it.

You’re balancing work with mental health issues. That’s huge and such a big achievement. It’s very common for people with anxiety / OCD to feel absolutely exhausted at the end of the day, there simply isn’t room for extra hobbies or mind space. If you need to rest when you get home, do that and don’t feel guilty. He doesn’t sound supportive, so be kind to yourself.

Have you tried mindfulness? Download the headspace app and that will give you a small goal everyday and help with your anxiety

Hi OP I could have written your post myself. I have felt for some time that I have no goals, anything to aim for or things that interest me like hobbies. I just watch to every evening. I'm reading the responses to your post and feeling even lower but hoping something someone writes will give me some oomph, it's easier said than done.

I don't have goals as such, but I definitely work to live. I have a wide circle of friends, and I love going on holiday or European city breaks with DH. As soon as I'm back from one, I'm planning the next trip. So, for me, it's not about having goals (although I would love to get fit and learn Spanish) but having something to look forward to. What do you look forward to at evenings or weekends?

Does your oh do stuff in the house too? Or are all the mundane jobs left to you? I can certainly understand that grinding you dowm.

sorry I missed some posts. I don't really know why I don't want more for myself. I don't even think I am all that unhappy to be honest. I think I just got a bit tired. OH is really supportive, sometimes I think he worries unnecessarily.

I used to do more stuff, or have things I was working on, but I just don't anymore and I have no idea what i would want to do.

Op could you be feeling anxious or depressed?

So what can you do to be less tired? Do you need blood tests to check iron b12 levels. Do you need to shorten your working day

I think its ok not to have a big goal or passion in life. I have no desire what so ever to climb mountains or paint a masterpiece. I have no desire to be the best in my career or do something ground breaking. I have a desire to be happy. I have hobbies, i have a partner and a great family, i have a job. Thats enough for me to pursue without putting extra pressure on myself to be the best at it all. I dont see that theres anything wrong with that.

I also suffer with quite bad anxiety so maybe that has something to do with it but if he cant support your life choices just because they don't match his own hes an arse.

OP I could have written this last summer. My work well and truly snapped me. I changed jobs and it was bloody terrifying but the best decision I ever made. I spent years just accepting my life and justifying it with the income I earnt. I'm on a lower wage but I have much better work life balance and as a result depression and the awful spending habits i had (poor attempt to justify my life) have since gone. I saw a post once that went something like "you give up your life for a job that would replace you in seconds".

It's not so much a physical tiredness although that is a factor I suppose, it's more a sort of bone deep weariness I think. I mean, I just feel really really exhausted.

I know my work life balance is rubbish, not least of all because when i do some home from work I spend long periods being worried about work, to the point where I haven;t taken holidays in years. I am supposed to have booked a week off after the wedding, but i haven't even done that.

sorry hit post too early! not everyone will want to climb mountains or take up a hobby but don't let work consume you. you sound like your depressed and you have made it clear in your opening paragraph that work has a lot to be held accountable for. 're read it. all I needed was a better work life balance to clear my head

I totally empathise with you as my work dominated every special event I ever had but it doesn't need to be like that. say all this to.your partner and have a browse for what alternative work there is. it may take a little while to find something but if it doesn't change things will.only.get worse for you. you owe nothing to your work place

Book that week off after the wedding now. Today. You need to take leave. It will actually make you less good at your job if you're tired and never take time off from it. But you need it for yourself too.

Maybe 'big goals' isn't quite right, but there's definitely something missing in that you don't seem to have major sources of pleasure in your life, and that is a real shame. We can't all climb Everest etc but we can make sure we spend time doing things we find enjoyable and fulfilling, whatever those are. That's what you need.

"you give up your life for a job that would replace you in seconds"

So true!

Sometimes (most times for me) you have to force yourself to do things. Fearing change is human, most of us fear change, but don't let it be an excuse for living a miserable life.

For you OP

I agree with a lot of what pp have said. We do not live forever and life does seem to speed up as you get older! I don't believe you need to have big goals in life but you should try to enjoy it even if its only small things like noticing how blue the sky is on a summers day. Sometimes we throw ourselves so wholeheartedly into things whether work or family that we lose ourselves. I think this has happened to you. Working out what you love and enjoy doing isn't going to happen overnight, it is a long process, so don't berate yourself if you can't instantly come up with a list. Take your time, keep a journal and write down your thoughts. I think you should also discuss how you feel with your counsellor and start to action changes to improve things. This complete exhaustion is not normal and should not be accepted as a way of living. You have said nothing positive about your job and it seems the only reason you stay is because of loyalty and fear of change. Neither are worth it in my opinion, seriously look for something else.

I am hoping your OH said the things he did to try and jolt you rather than criticise you.