Partner says I have no goals

[Miserysquared]

Feeling a bit sorry for myself this morning I think. Had a sort of row with my OH last night.

I have a stressful job, and often work later hours than I am contracted for, I also get badly paid and my boss can be a bit of an asshole. I have to make a change but I find change particularly difficult, and also feel a sense of loyalty to my current workplace. We have had many many many discussions about my job previously. I was prescribed an anti-anxiety medication 6 months ago and have been seeing a CBT counsellor for a few months because work stress (and other life stress) sort of triggered some OCD.

OH says I have been coming home in a state of "defeated exhaustion" of late and that I need to make changes. He is an artistic type who has a 9-5 office job but pursues his "true passion" in the evenings or whenever he has a new project to work on. He has a big goal in life and he doesn't understand why I don't have something like that in my life.

I just don't though. I think when I was younger I had goals, get a degree, buy a house, get a job...all that sort of normal stuff. Probably I was more idealistic and more engaged with issues that mattered to me, but I suppose I see part of growing up as surrendering yourself to the mundane of life. The reality is we need money to buy food so we have to work, regardless of whether we would rather be climbing mount Kilimanjaro (which I don't have any ambition to do either).

I don't even know what i'm trying to ask. He told me he can't understand how I can live life with no big goal to look towards and thinks my life is empty. I feel like he is judging me because I see life differently. For me life is just something to endure.

Anyway...I was upset that he kept telling me I had to "find something" to aim for. He went to bed early clearly feeling exhausted from dealing with me, and I stayed up to the early hours reading and then slept in the spare room.

He left early for work and walked to the train rather than taking a lift with me when I drive to work.

We are supposed to be getting married in October and now I just feel like he thinks I am a loser and that I won't be enough for him unless I try to find something bigger to aim for.

Just not really sure what to do with myself this morning and can't concentrate at work because I feel crap that we have had a row and there is tension.

Thanks again for all the great advice and encouragement. Had a really good chat with OH who had had a similarly crap day because he felt like he had upset me instead of just being supportive, but I think he had the right intention and maybe not the best execution when I've been feeling a bit lumpy lately.

I feel much better even for having uploaded my cv, and the recruitment firm have emailed to see when I would be free for a call to discuss the roles I am looking for .

Deep breathes and one foot in front of the other.

I've definitely had a shake up today

I really recommend the book mentioned above - "How to do everything and be happy" by Peter Jones.

You've taken a huge step here, with the CV. I feel for you because I felt as you do, towards the end of my marriage. The relationship was abusive, this is what abuse does to you! In your case I agree with pp that it's likely your job that's the abuse source.

Really -- read the book mentioned! And go easy on yourself x

Keep going OP you can do this!

I was like you in a professional job that I moaned about every night when I got home but didn't do anything about. Then I got made redundant. ..it was a choice between two of us, i had been there longer. ....where was the loyalty to me then?! Change was forced on me and now I'm much happier in a firm which is motivated and where I feel valued.

Really looking forward to reading that you have got an interview for a new job when that happens.

Your OH is a keeper.

And book the time off for your honeymoon today. Good luck ☺

Keep going OP. You could look at doing an art course in the evening maybe once you feel better.

'life as something to endure' sounds really sad.
I'm not ambitious at all but I love my life because I've learned what I love. Simple things which help keep my mental health at Bay .
I used to will death to happen, I endured life and found it an awful strain. I still struggle with challenges but now I factor in the good stuff and it calms me down. Just simple things like cycling, swimming, walks, photography, reading, making things etc. I have two kids as well which helps me to focus on the reasons why I work and the importance of down time too. Good luck with your future plans x

I have booked an appointment slot to speak to my boss today, trying to press forward now I have startled some momentum from myself. Planning just to tell them I am planning to move on and to give them a chance to put something in place for a replacement.

I also text one of my friends to see if she's free some evening for a coffee, which i instantly regretted doing because i don't actually want to meet anyone for a coffee some evening, but I think it will be good to push myself.

I'm hoping to go home from work tonight on time and cut the grass too.

I didn't phone the GP yet, but I am going to try hard and do that too this week. I just feel really stupid and worry I will be wasting their time.

I feel really anxious today and have a bit of a jibbly tummy, but I also think feeling this way is better than feeling no way.

Well done! That all sounds really positive... of course it's scary but you can do it! And telling people you're moving job means that you have to stick to it!

The thing about meeting friends is that you'll probably feel much better afterwards... sometimes I really can't be bothered to leave the house but it's easy to forget how important it is to see people you love. Good to have another person to talk to other than your partner, as well.

I would tell everyone BUT work that you are thinking of leaving.

Wait until you have a new job then hand in your notice, it doesnt sound like they would do you any favours.

Everything will turn out fine

I spoke with my Boss and they are proposing a (to their minds) significant pay rise. It would still put be well below industry standards and I think I probably still need to leave.

Recruiter has passed my CV onto three firms he thinks might suit.

I feel really bad about it though, and know I will struggle to close the door on my current work place if i do get offered another job.

stay strong and don't stay there unless the pay rise and quality of work is exactly what you want. I'm sure you'll wonder why on earth you put up with it for so long in a few months when you are super happy somewhere new.

Onwards and upwards, of course they will fight to keep you but it doesn’t mean its the right thing for you - meanwhile you have forced them to show you you are of more value. Good luck with the recruiter - have you kept up with the walks and meet ups? You and your oh sound like a good team.

Interesting how the moment you said you weren't happy they were able to offer a pay rise. You were under the impression they couldn't afford it before - more that they didn't want to offer more money if they could get away without doing that. Not to say they're evil people, just that this is how employers are and you should put yourself first as that is what they'll be doing.

So they are still going to underpay you?

Blimey, they really have no respect for you.

Find your anger so you can leave for a nice job at your actual market value with people who actually want you and respect you.

So they still won't pay you what you are worth and I doubt they'll do anything about your workload and stress levels either... Honestly, you owe them nothing. Let the recruiter do their work. Go and get that great well-paid job you deserve. Don't look back.

The boss had to think ti over and speak with the accountant, and apparently she pushed for a larger pay rise but the offer she made is all they can do. It is frustrating as you say that as soon as i make out that I will seriously leave they can suddenly address the issue. They also said they were worried about how they would replace me, and I pointed out that to replace me they will have to find a proper salary.

I re-ordered all the kitchen cupboards and started decorating the spare room. It feels good to see something achieved! I feel so stupid for having got into such a state of apathy.

Hopefully I can continue to make progress, and the recruiter seemed really nice, and was understanding of the fact I am reluctant to leave, even though its a terrible job.

I think you should explain to your other half that you are not him. Explain that you're different. You could even say that you'd prefer if he didn't want to change you to be more like him. I think men like to change women just as much as women like to change men, despite the cliche that that's how women always operate...He can't understand it because you two are simply different...I'm sure you don't think this but you could be thinking that you don't understand how he can work 9 - 5 when it's not his 'true passion' or how he can't just chill out and enjoy people's company more instead of always focusing on achievement. There are numerous perspectives on this and his is only one.

P.S. I just saw your update now actually, so maybe my response isn't relevant. But how and ever..the very best of luck to you.

I think you should leave the job.

My DP is in a job that he finds stressful. He finds it hard to switch off, he'll go back and check his work phone, what his schedule is like the next day, he'll rehash over his day repeatedly, he is so mentally tired from the stress that he struggles to do anything. If you are anything like him, then I can tell you that from your partner's point of view, it's exhausting.

Work needs to be just work,if you're too weary to do anything else than what is the point of it really? What are you getting from it? And if it comes down to it, is that job worth sacrificing your relationship for?

Oh, and I know this thread is about goals, but I am almost certain that if you were in a job that you enjoyed, then you would find a new lease of life. Even enjoying a box set of a TV show can be a goal if you're excited about it!

Yeah yeah, she pushed for more but that's all they can do.

Did she used to sell double glazing?

Brace yourself. When you leave, I bet you a coffee they will replace you with two people, each on more than you were. It really sticks in the throat when that happens but on the upside it will harden you and you'll never fall for it again.

I know how the finances are and I believe they tried their best for a pay increase, although I didn't ask for a pay increase, i just wanted to let them know I was leaving so they can make plans. I don't even want to leverage for more money, I think I really just want to go now.

Wow! Well done OP! It sounds like you've been really proactive! I think we can all get in a rut sometimes and feel like we're meant to be chasing some all encompassing dream. I hope you find some relief and joy just from shaking it up a bit!

I certainly was in a similar rut lately and weirdly I've taken up embroidery and actually started putting effort into the things that stress me.its really helped.

I would still recommend 'The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck' it's a fantastic no-nonsense, tongue in cheek self help book... for those who don't do twee mantras

@Miserysquared that's fab, you've got it in your head now. Don't turn down the pay rise obviously, keep your head down, try not to do extra hours, and find yourself something new.

You havent had a holiday in years, have not even booked time off for your honeymoon. Havent colleagues asked you about honeymoon plans?

Imagine something happened, say you were in hospital for a month, would your company go into administration? They say after a month work places adapt. If your company can survive a month without you, then they can let you have holidays. If they cannot they have no place in the business world.

You have something odd going on with your mental well being, I would consider talking to someone. I could understand if you took a low paid job because it gave you joy. Otherwise you need to take a long hard look at your life, no-one as nice as you sound deserves to live like this.

One thing l learned through counselling is that there are various areas of need and each needs to be fulfilled. So maybe list them and see what you have to fulfill each area and work on one thats most empty.
The ones l can remember are
Basic needs..food / shelter
Relationship needs
Social/ friendship; meeting a friend ..getting together with family or an other couple
Physical: exercise fresh air
Spiritual: time to reflect/ church if relevant/ someone to chat about life with
Intellectual: brain engagement..could be through work or a hobby..book club.interesting documemtaries
Silence/rest/ peace and quiet/ relaxation.
Can't remember if there are any others. But its good every now and then to check if one if falling behind as they all help towards a balanced life. I stress there is no need for big things just doable little things in each area.