Partner says I have no goals

[Miserysquared]

Feeling a bit sorry for myself this morning I think. Had a sort of row with my OH last night.

I have a stressful job, and often work later hours than I am contracted for, I also get badly paid and my boss can be a bit of an asshole. I have to make a change but I find change particularly difficult, and also feel a sense of loyalty to my current workplace. We have had many many many discussions about my job previously. I was prescribed an anti-anxiety medication 6 months ago and have been seeing a CBT counsellor for a few months because work stress (and other life stress) sort of triggered some OCD.

OH says I have been coming home in a state of "defeated exhaustion" of late and that I need to make changes. He is an artistic type who has a 9-5 office job but pursues his "true passion" in the evenings or whenever he has a new project to work on. He has a big goal in life and he doesn't understand why I don't have something like that in my life.

I just don't though. I think when I was younger I had goals, get a degree, buy a house, get a job...all that sort of normal stuff. Probably I was more idealistic and more engaged with issues that mattered to me, but I suppose I see part of growing up as surrendering yourself to the mundane of life. The reality is we need money to buy food so we have to work, regardless of whether we would rather be climbing mount Kilimanjaro (which I don't have any ambition to do either).

I don't even know what i'm trying to ask. He told me he can't understand how I can live life with no big goal to look towards and thinks my life is empty. I feel like he is judging me because I see life differently. For me life is just something to endure.

Anyway...I was upset that he kept telling me I had to "find something" to aim for. He went to bed early clearly feeling exhausted from dealing with me, and I stayed up to the early hours reading and then slept in the spare room.

He left early for work and walked to the train rather than taking a lift with me when I drive to work.

We are supposed to be getting married in October and now I just feel like he thinks I am a loser and that I won't be enough for him unless I try to find something bigger to aim for.

Just not really sure what to do with myself this morning and can't concentrate at work because I feel crap that we have had a row and there is tension.

The other thing to remember is that time off is perfectly reasonable. You seem to think it's taking the piss to ask for any more than the actual day of your wedding off. Not saying no one does that, but it really isn't the norm in my experience. It's normal to take holidays and not feel it's unfair on others to ever be away from work.

The same is true of leaving your current job. Frankly they'll be in trouble when you go and they know it. Whether people are up shit creek in a fortnight or four weeks from now isn't actually going to make that much difference. Set a leaving date that works for you.

I just don't really take holidays

That could well be why you end up so burnt out.

Why on earth don't you take holidays? You need some FUN. And you especially need some fun with your DP. Do nothing - just lie in the garden or park with a long cool drink, some music on your headphones, a beach read and enjoy the heatwave. Or make a list of small fun things to do together, or alone, and do some of them.

Please say you'll take at least five days of the forty eight!!!! days owing to you, before you plunge back in to the new job. They deserve to have you starting rested and refreshed. You might want a new hair cut or clothes.

People who are hobby obsessed and think they are better than others with no hobbies are so annoying. Once I have gone to work, cooked dinner and cleaned whilst shattered, I can maybe watch a bit of tv. If people had kids then their lives get consumed with looking after them, visiting family, and keeping the house tidy, don't see where the time is for these hobbies in most adult lives.

You need to take holidays.

Congratulations OP!!!! Absolutely delighted to hear not only did you look for a new job, secure a first and second interview but that you accepted the offer! ! Fantastic and well done for taking the plunge. Do you agree it paid off? How do you feel about starting a new job, fresh start, new challenges?

If your boss has been snippy then the next few weeks will only get worse and why put yourself through it? Could you take a free days to get affairs in order sufficient for you to feel like you are not just leaving them in the lurch (not that you should) then take leave to relax and prepare for your wedding, enjoy the weather, get old work out of your system? It's really important to start your new job in the right frame of mind, but worrying about the asshats you have left behind.

And as everyone says, take your holidays! Can you make a plan now to use them throughout the year? We have to use them or lose them and can't take them all at the end so people are better at spacing them out.

Thanks so much to everyone who has encouraged and continues to do so! You’re all lovely!!

I have had a few bad days with a lot of tears and anxiety, but this is interspersed with some moments where I think this will be a good thing for me. I am hopeful that my boss will come round enough that we part on friendly terms, but I’ve told my secretary etc and she is actually delighted, and went a long way to reassuring me that I wasn’t imagining how bad things are.

If it gets really bad I will have to take leave, I just feel really bad.

Re holidays going forward I think in a big place it’s easier to take time off because there are people to cover stuff maybe.

Congratulations on your new job.

It's rather concerming you don't take your annual leave.

AL is to ensure you get a break from work and your manager should be making sure you take it.

Find a work life balance and try and enjoy life.... not endure it.

Well done!
Congrats on the new job!
You completely changed things in less than a month!
Enjoy you wedding, well-deserved time off, and your new job!

Too late to be helpful, perhaps, but I came across the concept of "sick systems" (probably saw it on Mumsnet first!) which seems to be particularly relevant to your current workplace. This is quite a helpful analysis. It describes almost exactly what you're feeling now that leaving seems terrifyingly inevitable! This is not to disagree with Sadie9's interesting analysis a couple of days ago - I would say it complements it. It's a neat explanation of how you are more susceptible than some others to being sucked in.

It doesn't make you a weak person at all. Your future employers appear to have the sense to recognise a hardworking, conscientious employee with capacity for huge loyalty. Hopefully they'll be better deserving of that loyalty than the current bunch (who, let's face it, are being asshats because that's what they are, not because they have some hidden altruistic agenda - the nice people there are happy for you because they are nice, and because you are!).

Last thing before this gets far too long as my posts often do: working for a large employer need not be any more stressful or demanding than working for a small one. Sometimes the reverse, in fact. They have more options for covering absences, they are more likely to have an active and legally compliant HR department, they can afford to send you on training courses, and so on. You may find you can actually relax a bit when you no longer have to be all things to all men, because they have other staff covering those extra tasks that used to fall to you.

Best of luck, have fun, and remember, you deserve just as well in life as anyone else, and more than some.

Just read this from the beginning and I’m so proud of you op!

I have worked for terrible employers who I’ve stuck with as they may change and they never have. Last one made me redundant so all that energy and loyalty was never reciprocated. The one before there was a few years where I mainly worked and slept, until I was really ill and realised I needed to get out. I realise I had a dysfunctional relationship with work and it made it hard because it was good work that needs doing to help others but I’m not a mug and I’m not willing to put myself through that again. None of my managers have given one shiny shit about me once I’ve left a role and it’s the same for the vast majority of people I know who’ve worked and changed jobs. It just is how it is, don’t take it personally. They’ll be in a huff because they know they won’t get someone as good as you for the same or similar money, which is their problem, not yours.

If you enjoy reading, have you read Eleanor Oliphant is completely fine? I see some parallels in your story with that one (do not take this as I’m saying you’re just like her, I’m not!)

annie that article is my life.

If it gets really bad I will have to take leave, I just feel really bad.

I hope one day you will look back and see how utterly crazy that statement is. How self-denying.
Why should things have to be 'really bad' before you allow yourself the leave you deserve? It must have been carried over for a couple of years to clock up 48 days!
Why would you feel bad if you took leave? Are they so disorganised that they can't cope if a member of staff takes the leave they are contractually allowed? Is that poor structuring your responsibility?

By saying you'll only take the leave if you feel terrible you are still neatly preventing yourself from having a good time on leave. You can only let yourself have it if it serves to avoid a nervous breakdown? Really?

Sod that. Take the leave you're due, starting now, and drag your patient DP off to have some fun - go away for a long weekend, spend a day in bed, or a day in town at exhibitions, flower shows, river trips, lunch somewhere nice. Have a day to yourself shopping for some new clothes for your new job, having hair and nails and brows done. You need to learn to take care of yourself inside and out, and you can only learn to do that by practising.

Consider making 'taking your leave allowance every year' one of your goals. Seriously, A break every 2-3 months will make you more relaxed, happier and so more productive. A good employer will encourage you to take your leave. You can use it to do something, or to do nothing - both are equally important.

Now is the time to establish some new good habits for looking after yourself and learning that taking joy in life is just as important as work.

Resignation letter in hand...deep breathes....

Have a hand hold from me. And some .

You'll be fine. Will it matter a year form now? Five years from now? Is it an action that wrecks your health? Or jeopardises your future? If not, it's just a small hurdle in life, and life is full of them. You can get over it quickly and easily.

I hope you gave over your letter yesterday.
And I really hope you can leave soon.
Well done!!!

Work is basically now just completely horrendous. I have no idea how I will make it to the end of my notice period, and now everyone in my life is telling me just to leave and not bother working my notice at all. My current boss won't let me finish until the 31st so randomly I will work two days for them and then the next day be working someplace else. Not exactly helping.

We are swinging between picking holes in my work and just ignoring me completely. My secretary thinks we need to draw up a rota to feed the elephant in the room too as we are all now studiously ignoring the fact I am now leaving...and we have a work dinner tomorrow night for someones birthday...so that'll be fun.

Don't go to the work dinner. Why rut yourself through it? If the birthday person is someone who's actually been a friend to you, wish them happy birthday separately and say you'd like to stay in touch but it's too uncomfortable for you to come given other people's behaviour.

Have your bosses refused you permission to take leave before you finish working there? Or haven't you asked?

I asked to finish on the 29th and they said they were entitled to a full month (even though I gave notice on the 27th) and I said I would take the other two days as leave and they just said no. I've spoken to the accounts man and he said he hasn't been asked to calculated my holiday pay or to do anything about my leaving at all...so presumably they think they won't have to pay for my holidays.

I don't want to make the birthday dinner awkward, or more awkward than it will be, but i think it will make life easier if i don't go.

I didn't actually think I could feel worse than I have done for the last year, but I am just on the verge of tears all day now and had a panic attack on the way in this morning.

I just didn't think it would be this bad.

They have to pay you up for your leave. Don't let them get away with that. If you post about it in legal, people will be able to advise you on how to deal with it.

If you're having panic attacks, I would see your GP urgently and say you are being bullied at work (which you are) and that while you'll be starting a new job soon you need to be signed off with stress in the meantime. Given that you can self certify for 7 days I wouldn't go in tomorrow - I would call in sick and get an appointment ASAP

I know you'll feel very reluctant to do this but they've brought it on themselves. They could have been reasonable and pleasant, and they've chosen to be the exact opposite.

You are being bullied. You are entitled to holiday pay, and it is payroll's job to calculate it. If they don't carry over from previous years they should have notified you and encouraged you to take the leave owing, but you may have to forego it. But you are entitled to either pay or leave for days owing this year.

i'd be inclined to go to GP and ask to get signed off work with stress in your case. Not as a ruse but because you are genuinely stressed. You seem unable to see that you have any rights in this scenario, and you are being bullied. Just go to the GP, explain the situationa nd I bet they'll sign you off. You'll get pay owed and some time to breathe between jobs.

People move jobs all the time. They have no right to treat you like some kind of terrible traitor.

They really are showing their true colours.
Tell them you are leaving on 29th and you will take 2 days as paid leave.
If they start anything just tell them you have already spoken with ACAS and you know your rights.
And leave them with that.
Their actions are showing you that you are truly doing the right thing here.