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Original poster

Partner says I have no goals

200 replies

Miserysquared · 05/06/2018 09:53

Feeling a bit sorry for myself this morning I think. Had a sort of row with my OH last night.

I have a stressful job, and often work later hours than I am contracted for, I also get badly paid and my boss can be a bit of an asshole. I have to make a change but I find change particularly difficult, and also feel a sense of loyalty to my current workplace. We have had many many many discussions about my job previously. I was prescribed an anti-anxiety medication 6 months ago and have been seeing a CBT counsellor for a few months because work stress (and other life stress) sort of triggered some OCD.

OH says I have been coming home in a state of "defeated exhaustion" of late and that I need to make changes. He is an artistic type who has a 9-5 office job but pursues his "true passion" in the evenings or whenever he has a new project to work on. He has a big goal in life and he doesn't understand why I don't have something like that in my life.

I just don't though. I think when I was younger I had goals, get a degree, buy a house, get a job...all that sort of normal stuff. Probably I was more idealistic and more engaged with issues that mattered to me, but I suppose I see part of growing up as surrendering yourself to the mundane of life. The reality is we need money to buy food so we have to work, regardless of whether we would rather be climbing mount Kilimanjaro (which I don't have any ambition to do either).

I don't even know what i'm trying to ask. He told me he can't understand how I can live life with no big goal to look towards and thinks my life is empty. I feel like he is judging me because I see life differently. For me life is just something to endure.

Anyway...I was upset that he kept telling me I had to "find something" to aim for. He went to bed early clearly feeling exhausted from dealing with me, and I stayed up to the early hours reading and then slept in the spare room.

He left early for work and walked to the train rather than taking a lift with me when I drive to work.

We are supposed to be getting married in October and now I just feel like he thinks I am a loser and that I won't be enough for him unless I try to find something bigger to aim for.

Just not really sure what to do with myself this morning and can't concentrate at work because I feel crap that we have had a row and there is tension.

OP posts:
Original poster
Miserysquared · 12/06/2018 11:06

Have an interview next week and am instantly in a state of anxiety.

The job is with a much bigger company and i'm worried I won't know what i'm doing. Basically feel sick and tearful and am trying to avoid my boss, who I actually now wish I hadn't extended the courtesy of revealing my plan so they can make their own because they are being a bit snippy now.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 12/06/2018 11:50

Great news about the interview. Let them decide whether they think you can do the job or not (bet you can though Smile)

Be professional but cool with current employer. They have no reason to get snippy. They've been underpaying and overworking you for ages and they're annoyed you've made them acknowledge that.

Peacefulbanana · 12/06/2018 11:53

anxiety and worrying you can't do it is totally normal for everyone going for a new role :) just push through anyway and you will get there. Smile

pointythings · 12/06/2018 12:00

They can piss off with their snippy. They know they are going to lose you and don't like it. Tough. They should have treated you better.

Being nervous for the interview is Ok. It gives you an edge. The fact that you got an interview so fast should tell you a lot so go out there and hit it! You are doing fabulously. Flowers

Original poster
Miserysquared · 12/06/2018 14:34

I feel so unsure of myself. Like i just suddenly have decided to make a change and now i'm in the middle of it and I haven't thought it through enough maybe?

OP posts:
Nowisthemonthofmaying · 12/06/2018 15:21

Don't get yourself panicked by thinking ahead too far! So you've been invited for interview - that's great. They obviously think you can do the job or they wouldn't have asked you to come in! Now all you have to do is prepare and do your best. The time to be considering your options is after they've actually offered you the job. Remember, you can always say no if you don't think it's right for you! It's totally normal to feel nervous or unsure at this point, it's not a reason to cancel everything and just stick with your awful job. Just be brave and see what happens!

pointythings · 12/06/2018 16:28

I think it's normal. You've come out of a long period of being stuck and you have well and truly shaken loose. That can be scary. But you can't go back to being stuck, you know that - so go to this interview, see how it feels, see what happens. You've clearly got the guts to make changes, so if this job you're going for isn't the one, you just try again.

hellsbellsmelons · 14/06/2018 12:38

That's what change is all about.
Of course you feel unsure.
That is exactly why you have remained where you are.
As the saying goes:-

Worrying works...
90% of the things I worry about, never happen

One small step at a time.
You'll get there.

welshmist · 14/06/2018 12:52

I had this discussion with a friend a while ago, I reckon we should go for interviews regularly you can always turn down the job. A friend was offered the job on the spot but after meeting the team though God No!!

Original poster
Miserysquared · 14/06/2018 14:35

My interview for next week I am sure I probably am not what they are looking for so will try and go in and treat it like a test run for other posts, and hopefully it isn't mortifying.

I saw that one of their employees actually trained with me about 5 years ago, I don't know her except to see, but half debated maybe texting her and seeing if she has any advice, that might be a weird thing to do though.

my current employer has also said they won't be going ahead with a pay rise since I don't plan to stay now and they are pressing me for my notice...so that has definitely gone a lot differently than I thought it would.

OP posts:
welshmist · 14/06/2018 14:37

Um, they are pressing you for their notice, well aren`t they charming.

Original poster
Miserysquared · 14/06/2018 14:50

yea...that has been a massive surprise to me, the attitude they have decided to have about it. I thought I was doing a good thing by giving them a heads up. I have booked an afternoon off next week for the interview but haven't said anything further to them, they can presumably extrapolate.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 14/06/2018 16:22

Could you manage without your wage if you were out of work for a month or so?
Because these employers sound like total c*unts and I'd be leaving them right in it, if I could.
The disrespect and contempt for you is unreal.
Assholes!!!!
Get angry now OP!

Brunsdon1 · 14/06/2018 16:31

OP I really feel for you ,it's tough to have an expectation that you are not sure about

It's difficult because I have an Exdh that once upon a time I would have said the same thing about,from a partners point of view (or rather my point of view) it's usually that you hate seeing the other person unhappy

My Exdh very much just went to work long hours in a job he hated and did nothing else, came home exhausted and sat in front of the tv

To my discredit I got so frustrated ,I hated seeing him unhappy and couldn't see why he wouldn't change it and follow his dreams. I used to bang on about it,offer to support him if he quit,tell him to find something outside of work, anything to feel passionate about

But I was wrong , for him at that time , it just wasn't in him,and no amount of nagging would create it...and here is the kicker...that was ok, at that point in his life he needed to just sit...and why on earth shouldn't he?

For me I am insanely goal driven but to be honest that's fine for me but God knows there is a giant price to pay for that

I think sit and consider....maybe this isn't a time for you to have a giant goal, but nor should you have to be unhappy

Ultimately it's trying to ignore everyone's expectations and decide what you want...and if that's to sit and just be you ...then don't hammer yourself for it
If it's what makes you happy do it

If it doesn't then yes someintrospection as to what would make you happy is helpful but that doesn't have to be giant life goals

Original poster
Miserysquared · 14/06/2018 16:39

My OH has mentioned just leaving to me before, but I think he is really bad at maths, because when he says we could live off his wage we definitely couldn't. As small as mine is it pays the mortgage.

I am just trying to tough it out. I have a really good relationship with the support staff who are lovely, and generally I have gotten on really well with my Boss, but they are just being really snippy with me. So I think i have definitely compounded my problems.

OP posts:
Guardsman18 · 14/06/2018 17:51

Please don't give up. Work can be so draining sometimes and you seem to have done more than most to make it work for you.

You sound so sad OP. To say that life is something to endure - I understand that - but please don't let them do that to you.

PP mentioned about a few weeks on sick leave. Is there any way you could do this?

I do understand where you're coming from though xx

Butterymuffin · 14/06/2018 19:50

I've found, I'm sorry to say, that when you spend a long time being obliging and putting yourself out for others, and then decide you've had enough, the people who have benefitted get more arsy with you than they have ever been / would ever be to the ones who never did them any favours. They come to feel entitled to you always putting them ahead of yourself. This is what's happening with you OP. It sucks, but it shows your employer's true colours. Stay professional but just do exactly what you have to, no more favours, no more staying late. You can start afresh at a new workplace and be treated well.

Original poster
Miserysquared · 28/06/2018 11:00

So two weeks on...I had a second interview yesterday with the big company and they have come back and offered me a job. I feel really sick and tearful and not at all prepared for this.

I know everyone in my life will say take the job, but I feel so guilty about the prospect of leaving my current work place, even if my boss has been being a bit frosty.

I guess I need some sense talked into me.

OP posts:
thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 28/06/2018 11:16

You sound worn out.

I am not surprised you don't have the time or energy for hobbies, it's hard enough to fit them in when you "just" work 9-5.

However, I do see your husband's point. I think it's important to have interests and passions that drive you and I find that attractive in another person.

The term "big goal" is perhaps daunting, and not necessarily needed. You don't have to have this massive, all-encompassing aim to enjoy life.

But can you find small things you want to do? New experiences to try? Places to visit? A book you've always wanted to read?

I keep lists of things like that - placesI've read about that intrigue me, ideas I have had, book reviews etc and then whenever i feel a bit aimless just go and do one of those things.

Life should not be something to be "endured" (well, perhaps the work part!) but the rest of it should be a pleasure.

chemicalworld · 28/06/2018 11:27

You need to somehow move past this guilt feeling about your current place.

They over-work you. Do not value you enough to pay you properly and you spend your time outside of work worrying about it. This has a significant impact on your life and I think you need to think about where this loyalty comes from when unfortunately, for whatever reason they are not able to afford you what you deserve. You feel needed there, I understand that but a workplace cannot count on this sense of un-erring loyalty if it doesn't give you life-work balance. You are not on this earth to enable them to continue and you have to look after YOU.

Cricrichan · 28/06/2018 11:41

That's fantastic news!! Well done and definitely take the job. Your current employer had every chance to keep you.

Original poster
Miserysquared · 28/06/2018 12:13

I should take the job....I just haven't said yes...yet...but I should. I will. I just need to process it all. I thought it would have been harder to get a job than it was in the end so I feel a bit unprepared.

OP posts:
chemicalworld · 28/06/2018 12:21

Good for you. You deserve this and it could be the first change in your life that makes others easier for you.

Well done you!!! You smashed it and they wouldn't be taking you on if they didn't think you could do it. You are a dedicated, hardworking lady and you deserve a move.

LifeBeginsNow · 28/06/2018 12:32

Just found your thread and want to say well done! It is daunting but I think you're making the best decision all round. It's not always possible to leave a nasty boss and receive a pay rise so that's pretty amazing.

Recognise your worth and take comfort that other people must be able to see it too. I'm guessing you were nervous and unsure at the interview and they still wanted to hire you! Imagine what you can achieve when you're fully on form!!

Also, you mentioned being wary of getting back into drawing and bullet journaling came to me. It's a starting point and you can design the pages however you want (hobbeycraft has a section for this) and it'll help you keep organised and motivated with your life.

Good luck with your new job!

CatOwned · 28/06/2018 12:46

Just found your thread, OP.

Do it. Take the job. You have nothing to lose, and the biggest opportunity to turn your life around for the better.

Read your previous posts: your work became snippy with you, they offered you a raise that was still under what you should be paid, you are stressed there... why be loyal? Loyalty is earned, and they've done fuck all to earn yours.