Partner says I have no goals

[Miserysquared]

Feeling a bit sorry for myself this morning I think. Had a sort of row with my OH last night.

I have a stressful job, and often work later hours than I am contracted for, I also get badly paid and my boss can be a bit of an asshole. I have to make a change but I find change particularly difficult, and also feel a sense of loyalty to my current workplace. We have had many many many discussions about my job previously. I was prescribed an anti-anxiety medication 6 months ago and have been seeing a CBT counsellor for a few months because work stress (and other life stress) sort of triggered some OCD.

OH says I have been coming home in a state of "defeated exhaustion" of late and that I need to make changes. He is an artistic type who has a 9-5 office job but pursues his "true passion" in the evenings or whenever he has a new project to work on. He has a big goal in life and he doesn't understand why I don't have something like that in my life.

I just don't though. I think when I was younger I had goals, get a degree, buy a house, get a job...all that sort of normal stuff. Probably I was more idealistic and more engaged with issues that mattered to me, but I suppose I see part of growing up as surrendering yourself to the mundane of life. The reality is we need money to buy food so we have to work, regardless of whether we would rather be climbing mount Kilimanjaro (which I don't have any ambition to do either).

I don't even know what i'm trying to ask. He told me he can't understand how I can live life with no big goal to look towards and thinks my life is empty. I feel like he is judging me because I see life differently. For me life is just something to endure.

Anyway...I was upset that he kept telling me I had to "find something" to aim for. He went to bed early clearly feeling exhausted from dealing with me, and I stayed up to the early hours reading and then slept in the spare room.

He left early for work and walked to the train rather than taking a lift with me when I drive to work.

We are supposed to be getting married in October and now I just feel like he thinks I am a loser and that I won't be enough for him unless I try to find something bigger to aim for.

Just not really sure what to do with myself this morning and can't concentrate at work because I feel crap that we have had a row and there is tension.

So they aren't paying as they should.
So... they are taking advantage of you.
Are you OK with that.
Where are their loyalties to you???
They have none.
They are working you into the ground.
Paying you a pittance and you feel loyal to THEM!!
Priorities.
You need to get your life priorities sorted out.
And a good work / home life balance should be top of that list.
Not keeping a company going who don't value your efforts at all.
Get out of there.
They will manage just fine without you.
You are making excuses to stay and be treated like this!
Stop it - time to put your foot down and find yourself again.
You are in there somewhere!!!!

You haven't taken leave for years?! No wonder you're unhappy.
Sort out the job op as priority. Do what you do for far more money. Get signed off sick for a few weeks to try to take stock and make a plan.

At the very least book the bloody week or two off after the wedding! That is completely unfair to your DP. No honeymoon? If you never take time off he is missing out on holidays and quality time with you.

I was really active as a child, and into late teens. Was on literally all the sports teams, competed nationally and really enjoyed drawing, and actually climbing mountains although small ones.

See there you go, you do have passions/ interests. Seriously, get yourself to a Hobbycraft and get a drawing pad and a set of carbon pencils. Use it as a way to unwind and get out of your head for a while.
While you’re at in, do something active. Take up running, get a bike or join a netball team or play squash or tennis. Exercise is great for the mind! Those are things you could start right now. Imagine how happy your fiancé is going to be!

but also think that because it is a small company if I leave it will have actual consequences for the business and for my support staff.

If you give them pleanty of notice, why can’t they find a replacement for you? Even offer to give a couple of days extra support once you have left in email or by phone.

That’s nice you are so loyal but how loyal are they going to be to you? They are a small business, what happens if they go under? If they have to lay people off, do you think they are going to be so loyal? What if they sold the business to someone who doesn’t want to keep you on. Your support staff will eventually move on due to low wages. You might not even hear from them again, once they leave. Stop making excuses to progress in your own life. This is aniexty talking, worrying what everyone is going to think of you, trying to people please. I’m sure they aren’t as invested in you as you are thinking they are. They are going to do what’s best for them.

I just think I've made a mess of my life.

Keep telling yourself that and it will become a self- fulfilling prophecy. You have choices, you said you can get a better job. However, getting another job that is paying better won’t be enough for what your partner is asking. Only having work to talk about is sooo boring. You need to get a life balance where you have your job but you also have a life outside of that . The life outside your job, is what your partner is interested in. Don’t live to work.

Thanks so much for all the encouragement, I think I have got into a bit of a rut, and sometimes it’s easier to be stuck than to make a change.

I had talked to my old flatmate about maybe taking up drawing again quite recently, but again in my head it’s just associated with so many negative connotations, when I was younger I was quite good at art but I think it’s a perishable skill, and now I think I’ll be crap at it, so I just don’t start so there’s not one more thing I’m failing at.

I know I need to change my job, and I know my loyalty is misplaced, in moments of clarity it is upsetting how much they take advantage, but it’s also frustrating that I allow them too. I have chosen to stay for bad money and huge stress and I feel really silly about it.

As a previous poster said though, having wasted these few years doesn’t mean I should continue to waste more.

You've got all the signs and symptoms of burn out. Especially the not taking a holiday in years thing. Burn out makes change seem excessively daunting - but you must attempt it. I bet you'd be so much happier in a new job. You deserve it.

You need help, OP! You sound really depressed. Your OH sounds lovely, to be honest. He wants you to be fulfilled. I think you should see a doctor and explain how you're feeling. Sometimes just talking about it helps.

Then change that job! You're much too good for it; it's time to move on.

Try to get some exercise - what do you like to do? If the answer's 'nothing' then what did you like to do? Swimming is great for zoning out. What about even going for an hour's walk every night with your OH? Get a Fitbit and aim for 10,000 steps a day. Listen to music while you're walking; it'll take the pressure off you so you don't need to make conversation.

But start with the doctor. You sound so low and I'm sure there's something that can be done about that.

I'm with everybody else here - your DP didn't phrase himself at all well and no, you don't need a grand goal - but you do need and deserve better than this. Go and get that better paid job. Your current employer is taking the piss and does not deserve your loyalty. You'll be snapped up by somewhere better.

Then start dreaming about holidays. Even if you're reading new books with your toes in a warm blue ocean that would be a great start! As for drawing - if you lack confidence, why not find a class near you and get some more teaching? You'll soon find out that actually, you're not crap - you just need a bit of practice.

You sound like you're in a cocoon and afraid to come out. Get some counselling and support because there's a butterfly in there somewhere. Your partner for all his clumsy wording knows it.

My partner is lovely and he has actually been "making" me go out for a walk in the evenings with him. I know it sounds really stupid, but when i try and go for a walk or something, even with music, I don't seem to know where to walk too and then I just get nervous and come home. I feel completely incapable of just doing things.

I saw the doctor a few months ago after my Oh made an appointment for me, and they were friendly, but just basically took a look at me and prescribed an anti anxiety thing. Which i took for a few months, and then i forgot to make an appointment on time to get a renewal of the prescription and then i just couldn't do it.

The CBT is a struggle to make myself go too as well because they ask lots of questions and i actually don't know the answer to them. I don't know why I feel this way and I don't know what would help.

Dealing with this kind of enveloping miserable mental health issue/awful job situation is hard. But you have to do it. I say this because my STBXH didn't - here comes the cautionary tale.

He hated his job. He was institutionalised by years in the military to the point where he couldn't cope with daily life, or with change. Then he lost his parents (natural causes - they were elderly). Through it all he didn't reach out, he didn't get help, he didn't stick at it. He chose to drink instead.

Now he's alone, unemployed, living in a crappy flat and his DDs don't want contact with him. And he still can't make himself take that first step towards getting help.

He was a lovely, funny, decent guy with a great sense of humour and a big heart. That was the guy I married - that guy no longer exists.

Don't be like him.

CBT therapists don't want you to give them clear cut answers to their questions. They ask you questions to make you think and to make you challenge your own thoughts and beliefs. That is why CBT is so hard to do. But you need to do it.

Well, you sound like a person with depression - the loss of enthusiasm and motivation, then emotional detachment and inability to make decisions or take initiaitve. Classic. Has your memory deteriorated, especially shorter term memory? Worth seeing your GP again with that question? Exercise really can help too, so do keep walking.

Another little thought on the job issue. Try to imagine yourself in another, better job. Better managed, better motivated, better paid. Now, from that position, would you look at your current position and think 'yes, I must discard all this to go and save those poor support staff.' Well no, of course you wouldn't.

As others have said, you sound really depressed and burned out. Go to the GP for depression and get signed off work for several weeks or a month. I think that would do you a world of good having that time off to clear your head.

One other thought is that you don't have to everything at once. You do need to take the first step, which may just be forming an intention and commiting to working out what the steps are.

From a practical pov, breaking things down into small, achievebale steps is really good and gives you lots of small achievements, instead of one big, daunting, far off goal.

From the pov of your DP, you forming a positive intention, especially towards a change of job but maybe one or two other things, would be a massive shift in itself and would, I imagine, lift a burden of frustration with the status quo and make him feel much more positive about the future.

When I struggle with big goals, I find it easier to make smaller, nicer, less challenging ones.

For example, if you like reading, read everything by one author, then find a new author, read a booker prise novel or some new non fiction on a subject which interests you.

With fitness, I have told my self something is better than nothing and my first goal is not to be sedentary. Which I have been achieving. My next will to be quicken the pace of my daily walk. The next will be perfect the moves in my 20 minute exercise routine and then do it with ankle weights.

With the house I count just sorting out one draw or filling a charity bag an achievement.

I meant Booker Prize.

And drawer!

With the job could you have a goal to initially just look at Situations Vacant in recruitment offices and wherever else advertised?

1. Leave your job. You are in an abusive relationship with it. Really. You are probably in a sick system

1. Identify your values. Then everything else will flow. This book helped me a lot when faced with an existencial crisis that seemingly came out of nowhere The Happiness Trap (Stop struggling and start living)

1. Do (1) first. Not (2). I know you are going to go on Amazon and order that book before you've changed jobs. Nope. LTB first! Don't wait to feel good about change, don't wait for the right moment, don't wait for this next task to be finished. Get on the job boards tonight! If you are on Amazon you could be on LinkedIn jobs. JFDI. Remember you are in an abusive relationshop with your job. Get out now. Feel the fear and do it anyway. This is the #1 source of your problems.

existential FFS. One day I will write a post with no spag fails.

I just don’t start so there’s not one more thing I’m failing at
This is sad. We all fail at thousands of things during our lifetime and we just try other ways / things.
But you won't know until you try.
Also, But..... as PP's have now pointed out after your updates, you sound depressed.
Please go back to your GP.
Talk to them the way you have spoken to us.
Tell them everything.

As for counselling, if you don't know the answer then you say just that.
I don't know.
They should then ask you something else.
You are NOT failing at everything.
You are doing so well considering you may well have depression.
But don't give up on life or yourself.
GP first and take it from there.

Thanks again to everyone who is taking the time, and for the kind encouragement.

I have uploaded my CV with a recruitment firm...and now I just have to not bottle it.

That's pretty big for a first step, OP! Well done!

Is your job making you feel undervalued? Why have loyalty when they don't pay you properly. The relationship with your employers is one sided, they are taking you for granted.

 My husband has many many goals in life. He achieves some , some go by the wayside but it keeps hime active and hopeful. 
 I'm a person who is perfectly content with no goals.  I have plans for life,  where to live etc.   The normal stuff.   

It's taken years for my husband to understand that I'm different to him.
Certainly, I have never thought that I need to force myself to have some great goal or be anything other than my content self.

Wow - well done OP.
That is a huge step.
You won't bottle it.
And if you do - don't worry.
You try again another time.

Tomorrow follow it up with the recruitment firm.

Make exit your goal. Every day in work be getting your ducks in a row. Every day be mentally detaching from your current role. Every day gaze dispassionately on them and see them as the dicks they are when they trying to manipulate you into being their doormat.

Do what you need to do to keep on keeping on towards being in a new job.

Feel like you can't possibly get that job? Apply anyway. Feel disloyal? Fuck it, look up new jobs anyway. Feel like the lack of call back is a sign that you are so shit you'll never get another job? Fuck it, call the recruiter and another one and another one. Scared to let people know you are thinking of leaving? Fuck it, message on LinkedIn all the good people that have already left and say you are looking for a new role can they recommend anything.

You'll get there. The joy of working in a normal work environment for your true market value will be like a gentle summer breeze. You'll love it. You'll kick yourself for not leaving sooner.

Perhaps consider this job move as a wedding present to both yourself and your fiance. It only counts if you get into the new role: talking about buying a present, promising to buy one doesn't count.

Please read this book: how to do everything and be happy by Peter Jones.