Partner says I have no goals

[Miserysquared]

Feeling a bit sorry for myself this morning I think. Had a sort of row with my OH last night.

I have a stressful job, and often work later hours than I am contracted for, I also get badly paid and my boss can be a bit of an asshole. I have to make a change but I find change particularly difficult, and also feel a sense of loyalty to my current workplace. We have had many many many discussions about my job previously. I was prescribed an anti-anxiety medication 6 months ago and have been seeing a CBT counsellor for a few months because work stress (and other life stress) sort of triggered some OCD.

OH says I have been coming home in a state of "defeated exhaustion" of late and that I need to make changes. He is an artistic type who has a 9-5 office job but pursues his "true passion" in the evenings or whenever he has a new project to work on. He has a big goal in life and he doesn't understand why I don't have something like that in my life.

I just don't though. I think when I was younger I had goals, get a degree, buy a house, get a job...all that sort of normal stuff. Probably I was more idealistic and more engaged with issues that mattered to me, but I suppose I see part of growing up as surrendering yourself to the mundane of life. The reality is we need money to buy food so we have to work, regardless of whether we would rather be climbing mount Kilimanjaro (which I don't have any ambition to do either).

I don't even know what i'm trying to ask. He told me he can't understand how I can live life with no big goal to look towards and thinks my life is empty. I feel like he is judging me because I see life differently. For me life is just something to endure.

Anyway...I was upset that he kept telling me I had to "find something" to aim for. He went to bed early clearly feeling exhausted from dealing with me, and I stayed up to the early hours reading and then slept in the spare room.

He left early for work and walked to the train rather than taking a lift with me when I drive to work.

We are supposed to be getting married in October and now I just feel like he thinks I am a loser and that I won't be enough for him unless I try to find something bigger to aim for.

Just not really sure what to do with myself this morning and can't concentrate at work because I feel crap that we have had a row and there is tension.

OP haven't read whole thread

About 20 years ago I ditched a boyfriend for this, like he thought he'd coach me out mental health problems

Now with 25+ years of managing work, mental health and saving carefully, I feel really proud of myself. I could never do anything after work either, I wish I'd spent less time feeling inadequate. I tried forcing myself into things, stupid, was happier at home with tv.

You might finding ditching the man with the bad attitude very helpful!

First goal - get free of him. Certainly don't marry him.

Second goal - ditch the job. Take a bit of time, find out what makes your heart sing. Do that.

You are great and wonderful and amazing. You are also exhausted.
You don't need to live up to someone else's expectations. Make your own, for you.

Whoa! I never read the thread... sometimes that's a disadvantage. So, you have ditched the job. Well done.

They are awful and you are so right to be getting out of there!

How terrible of them, they owe you money and holiday, and they certainly can't insist you work until the 31st. They are taking the piss!

Well done OP! Don’t let them bully you at current work. Make sure you get your holiday pay. And then spend it on two weeks off after your wedding!! A new job is a HUGE step. It’s also a fresh start where you can set different patterns and boundaries for yourself.

It sounds like some tough love.
You have done nothing wrong - but consider a persona for yourself and ask 'do you feel better'
an example would be - work life is mundane, it pays the bills BUT i acquired this object or i learnt so and so this week.

Now this may sound uninteresting or off point because to me you sound like your in a mental rut. Even though you get the thought that 'it would be good for you' you dont get the feeling of actually wanting to do it.

Its a natural function of our brains - you are accustomed to a certain way of leaving and had a certain upbringing.

Like other posters have said - youre in the 'force yourself' zone.
Id advise doing something small that breaks the cycle - the gym/exercises is an obvious one, im not suggesting, because its not.
But what it does in release positive energy, after two weeks you will start to feel more able with coping to this new lifestyle, then you try to eat better. You have more energy etc.

Im the arty type myself - im constantly adapted/growing. I listen to podcasts - I have a desire to learn. So my day becomes less stressful because I can learn something in the matter of minutes and in that really stressful day, it helps loads and it helps me stay positive.

What interests do you have? maybe if you cant think of any - you can make your interest finding your interest.

I genuinely did used to have a sort of full life with lots of hobbies and sports, so I am just trying to re-learn free time. For various reasons, most of which are my own fault, I haven't really had free time, or at least I haven''t felt like i had. So basically I have no idea what to do with free time.

Am trying to keep my evenings structured, home, do some house task, have dinner,have a walk....twiddle thumbs and panic about life....bed.

Don't let your current work get you down. They are being dicks - that should not be a surprise, given the way they have exploited you over the years. fight them on the holiday pay, go when you said they would and please do not do anything that is over and above your normal duties - you owe them nothing.

As for the rest of it - baby steps. You're having to relearn happiness and fun and that is a big ask. But you will succeed.

hellbellsmelon said "So you have the potential to earn more money - very easily - and have a better home life and you are choosing not to do it!??"

this is something I tried as well - I knew I didn't want to, I just wanted more money. I am not a big achiever and there's mental health to factor in too, as I said earlier. So I was miserable - and quite ill, the stress went straight to my stomach - and after taxes the money was nowhere near worth it.

Are you happy to just potter along and be? If so, then really this guy isn't for you. It's one thing to be supportive of someone climbing a mountain but another thing entirely to feel they "should" do it.

the guy I ditched was full of this - why are you doing this particular job, you could do more, it seems like you are coping well with your mental health etc etc.

When I left him I said "I wanted a boyfriend, not a life coach".

and yes you will re-learn happiness

I work out nearly every day, read and study lots, volunteer once a week. doesn't matter if you don't, but just saying it can be done, but I didn't rush into it, I started doing stuff when I fancied it.

My partner isn’t pushy in the sense that I should earn more or do more, if I was happy earning next to nothing and we could afford for that to be the case he would genuinely support me, I think the problem is I have been working for next to nothing and my spirit is crushed by my job.

I think he wants only what is best for me, and he knows the “old me” and the fun I used to have, he wants me to want my life I think, which is fair.

I literally spent days on end contemplating not existing because I couldn’t see a way out of this, but now, I’m hoping that this change of job will give me a new lease of life.

I guess people don’t generally love their jobs, but any step up from not wanting to stop existing will be a bonus for me.

Lighthouse you really need to read the full thread. OP's DP isn't the problem, the job is - and she has well and truly sorted that.

OP, I don't mean this unkindly, but if my husband/husband to be were to tell me that he thinks 'life is something to endure', then I would seriously question my desire to stay with him. I'd feel that he would drag me down in the one life we had to enjoy. You need to find your joy and share it. That doesn't mean you have to have big ambitions, but you have to find something that gives you pleasure and purpose or honestly, why would anyone want to share their one shot at life with YOU?

peartree have you actually read the thread or OPs initial post?!

I mean I see the point that he wouldn’t necessarily want to be with a miserable person. I guess he remembers the old me a little, so he’s holding onto some hope. If he had suddenly tipped into a sort of depression or anxiety I would be hopeful I wouldn’t just tell him to jog on because he was dragging me down. All that for better for worse stuff y’know.

I try and be unmiserable as I can. I think I’ve had a spike in my OCD and that makes me anxious and etc etc etc but I’m trying to work on it.

I understand why your DP said what he did although maybe he could have put it across in kinder fashion.

We are all different, we don't all have to have big goals. But why can't you just do small things that make you happy? I can't grasp from your post what you actually do aside from work, and when you're at home think of work.

Are you a people pleaser?Just asking, in terms of your boss seemingly ok with not treating you well, and you working longer than your contracted hours.

I have a stressful job, and often work later hours than I am contracted for, I also get badly paid and my boss can be a bit of an asshole. I have to make a change but I find change particularly difficult, and also feel a sense of loyalty to my current workplace. We have had many many many discussions about my job previously

I simply wouldn't be able to talk and talk and talk about you being in a rubbish job, all that's wrong with it, and not eventually be utterly drained by doing so. Particularly if you seemed contented and resigned to staying there as your easiest option. It's too boring. There's more to life and relationships.

You have health issues you are struggling with and at least you've arranged CBT. Hopefully you will soon feel able to be pro-active in looking for another job.

I don't think your DP is a bad person. I've been there in the past alongside a joyless person (I think he may have had health issues but he'd never admit that. At least you admit yours) and it does affect the relationship.

People seem to think youre supposed to just understand, know what to do, be the strong one and help, as if you're a qualified counsellor and medic and can carry it all. It's hard tho. It wore me down. I think perhaps you're both struggling in different ways.

Go on OP, 1 life to live do something for yourself that you like. Start small. Your dream doesn't have to be anyone elses.

I'm a Creative. DP is an ex creative. We suit. His goals are bigger than mine but because we have similar outlooks we are fine.

My goal this year was to get back to reading more, so I joined the Library. I also really like a particular style of music and dance so went to classes and from that it's become part of my social life, going to events. Sometimes DP comes along sometimes he doesn't. & that's fine.

Not huge starry goals but they make me happy and it's enough for right now.

I hope you find your happy place and feel better soon.

FGS people read the thread! Well done OP, please take at least a weeks holiday before starting your new job, and make sure your old job pays out every last minute of that holiday pay. 48 days is ridiculous!

I am sorry, I didnt realise how much had happened before posting. And no, I don't always read the whole thread before posting based on the 'issue' of the original post. But I think my point about being with someone who finds pleasure and purpose in life, and who isn't just 'enduring', is reasonable. And, in fact, the OP has gone about doing just that.

OP, congratulations on your new job and taking hold of the reins so decisively and quickly.

And I'm afraid I have been the person moaning and groaning about a rubbish job and being miserable, and my husband was pretty direct about saying, "Then do something else. It's not meant to make you miserable ALL THE FUCKING TIME." He simply was not going to support me in keeping on the wrong path and bringing everyone around me down by it. So I did change it and life improved enormously for all of us. You are making the changes you need to get happier, so well done.

I'm not intentionally being a misery or being directionless, I think things just slipped away from me and when i next looked up I was in a quagmire of sorts. The last thing I want for me and my family is misery. I know I need to work on "goals" for want of a better word...but I think that's just easier said than done when all my energy seems to go into standing still long enough that I don't explode my life.

I am working on it though. The job thing definitely happened much quicker than i anticipated it would. My recruiter after a frank conversation told me how ridiculous it would be to turn the opportunity down and I seem now to have fallen into a quite desirable, good reputation, progressive firm more by chance than by design. So probably no credit for that one really, it just sort of happened to me.

ER, no, it did not 'just happen.' You contacted the recruiter, went for the job, took it. You do need to take responsibility for what you do ('owning the process' as Gareth Southgate puts it!) and see yourself as a person with volition who can have an impact on events. Sometimes there will genuinely be circumstances beyond your control where you really can't affect what goes on, and then you need to decide, do I get out of this, and if I can't get out of it right now, what can I lean on to ensure that this circumstance doesn't overwhelm me and rob me of all energy and joy. Anyway, good luck with it all, it sounds like you're doing really well.

I meant to much sought after dream employer job just sort of fell into my lap. I didn't set out to find the most up and coming etc I just set off in a blind stumble and then have my interviews. I didn't set out to get that job, just one that isn't this job...I didn't mean to abdicate my responsibility as such. It's just a fortunate coincidence that a firm has come up that I have liked the sound off.

ALL CREDIT to you OP.
Honestly, if you hadn't been good or right for the job, you just wouldn't have got it!
But you did.
You need to learn to accept that you deserve things.
You are good.
You CAN make things happen.
Because YOU made this happen!
From where you wrote your OP to where you are now may seem small but it's a huge leap in the right directly.
Pat yourself on the back from time to time.

OP, you really need to take credit for finding this job. You stepped right out of your comfort zone and went for it. You gave an interview good enough to get it. You say yourself this is a well-regarded and sought-after employer - and you made the grade with them. You did this, it did not just happen.

Please learn to be kinder to yourself. I hope your DP is praising you massively for what you have achieved in such a short time.

I’m sorry I’m posting on the run and can see there’s been developments since the beginning of the thread re the miserable job, and will read properly later... but in the mean time I wanted to say:

Dont put yourself under any more pressure.

You cannot find a dream or a passion in life if you are mentally depleted and drained out of all your resources. It’s just Not Possible!!!

You can’t give from an empty cup, not even to yourself

Clear your life of the negatives, and find a few nice little things to do that lift you up a bit, just little tiny things, like favourite drinks, or sitting in a beautiful park for a few minutes, or meeting a long lost friend for a ice cream! Or just using a lovely room spray, or a nice soft duvet cover ... or a posh pink salt or something :) silly things that make you smile. That require no enourmous effort and investment (physical, or emotional or financial) from you.

And wait. Expect nothing major of yourself. Just enjoy being nice to yourself.

And the joy will come back. Your skies will open up and you’ll find your senses awaken and your hopes and dreams dare to grow again.

But don’t force it. That’s so unkind to yourself.