Partner says I have no goals

[Miserysquared]

Feeling a bit sorry for myself this morning I think. Had a sort of row with my OH last night.

I have a stressful job, and often work later hours than I am contracted for, I also get badly paid and my boss can be a bit of an asshole. I have to make a change but I find change particularly difficult, and also feel a sense of loyalty to my current workplace. We have had many many many discussions about my job previously. I was prescribed an anti-anxiety medication 6 months ago and have been seeing a CBT counsellor for a few months because work stress (and other life stress) sort of triggered some OCD.

OH says I have been coming home in a state of "defeated exhaustion" of late and that I need to make changes. He is an artistic type who has a 9-5 office job but pursues his "true passion" in the evenings or whenever he has a new project to work on. He has a big goal in life and he doesn't understand why I don't have something like that in my life.

I just don't though. I think when I was younger I had goals, get a degree, buy a house, get a job...all that sort of normal stuff. Probably I was more idealistic and more engaged with issues that mattered to me, but I suppose I see part of growing up as surrendering yourself to the mundane of life. The reality is we need money to buy food so we have to work, regardless of whether we would rather be climbing mount Kilimanjaro (which I don't have any ambition to do either).

I don't even know what i'm trying to ask. He told me he can't understand how I can live life with no big goal to look towards and thinks my life is empty. I feel like he is judging me because I see life differently. For me life is just something to endure.

Anyway...I was upset that he kept telling me I had to "find something" to aim for. He went to bed early clearly feeling exhausted from dealing with me, and I stayed up to the early hours reading and then slept in the spare room.

He left early for work and walked to the train rather than taking a lift with me when I drive to work.

We are supposed to be getting married in October and now I just feel like he thinks I am a loser and that I won't be enough for him unless I try to find something bigger to aim for.

Just not really sure what to do with myself this morning and can't concentrate at work because I feel crap that we have had a row and there is tension.

OP, I have only read the first page and this page.

Came on here to say I think your partner expressed it badly and it came across as a criticism of you, but he has got a point. Life is for living, not for enduring.

Got to the last page to see that your boss has been shitty with you, is denying you a pay rise, and that you've been offered a new job.

Congratulations! Take the job!

You may feel overwhelmed at the moment but your current set up is currently grinding you down so you can't see the wood for the trees.

This new job is your opportunity to make a fresh start, to take control of your work life balance and be properly valued and rewarded for what you do. Hand in your notice and don't look back.

And once you've done that, do your job adequately during the day, be polite to everyone, leave on time, and spend your evenings relaxing (and maybe rediscovering the things you used to enjoy).

Good luck!

This is a bit of speculation but could it be to do with attachment issues from your childhood? Here's my half-assed analysis - bear in mind I could be completely wrong!

You start treating your work as the 'parent' that you can neither leave nor control. You feel 'secure' by being with them. They provide the secure base in your life that your parent(s) used to provide.

Yet this work 'parent' is dismissive of you, doesn't appreciate your good points and only point out your mistakes or nag you. It is like the critical parent that you work very hard to please them but it's never enough. Yet you want to be loyal because we all fear separation and rejection.

The other employees become 'siblings' that you have to compete with for the parental approval. At the same time you can feel somewhat in 'control' at work because you can achieve tasks and others share responsibility with you. Like being at home when you were a child, you know 'how things work' and where the threats will come from.

Then sometimes this 'relationship' takes over and you get someone who is addicted to their work. It gets worse the longer you stay in the same job because the 'attachment' gets stronger and it gets harder to leave.

You end up feeling empty and 'controlled' and helpless and defeated because you are increasingly not 'seen' or 'listened to'.

You hate being there but you are too 'attached'.

Does that make sense? The answer can be to 'mix it up' a bit by taking the new job. It'd be normal to feel insecure and worried about doing that, but it might be the best thing for you.

One big point about being in therapy is that it provide a new security for you while you are going through the changes elsewhere. In fact maybe having the relationship with the therapist may be helping you take this step now.

I feel really sick and tearful and not at all prepared for this
You are sooooo prepared for this.
You would not have got the job if you didn't deserve it.
And you sooooo deserve it.
Well done OP.
Know your worth.
Your current employers treat like a fucking skivvy.
Don't forget, you are overworked, underpaid and have had no holidays for years!!!
Time for you to get out there and forge on with your career.
Scary as that may seem.
The time is right.
You are good.
Grab it with both hands and take that step into the unknown.
It's truly liberating!!!!
You go girl!!!
I know how we all love good me-me (LOL) so here you go!

Thanks for the pep talks!! I know I have to do it, I just feel a little bit scared about the prospect of re-engaging with life I suppose!

Try and tweak that into EXCITEMENT.

Well you've come a long way since you first posted.
Bet you didn't expect any of this.
But YOU have done it!
YOU'VE done so much already!
Exciting times ahead OP.
YOU can and will shine!

They're sent the f'ing contract through already...shit...guess i have a new job.

You're amazing, OP. Every time you doubt yourself you're pushing through and going for it. I am in awe of you.

There is a simple reason why you got another job so quickly: because you are talented and good at what you do. Your current workplace knew it too, but they thought they could get away with exploiting you. You've shown then they can't, which is why they are being shitty - but you are the one who got themselves the shiny new job.

Now get stuck in and take every good thing that comes your way - oh, and celebrate! With that holiday!

Hi Op

Well done in getting a new job. Just wanted to say how brave you have been in embracing the new opportunity. All the best to you!

I’m so pleased to read your update. I suffer from anxiety but the times I’ve pushed though it, have been totally worth it.
You’ll soon have a new job, new salary and yes it will take a while to get used to it all but your life will then be so much better.

You’ll look back in a few months and wonder what you were worried about!

So chuffed to read this! Congratulations!

You have turned things around already in this post.

Congratulations on your job!

Now go buy a sketchbook, some pencils and have a go at the 30 day challenge...

Thanks so much to everyone who has encouraged me! My boss didn’t take the news very well at all, actually much worse than I anticipated, so I’m not looking forward to going to work tomorrow.

Contract is signed though, just need to send it across with my start date and that’s the beginning of the wind down for me 😬

Not feeling super pumped, but I think the reality will kick in soon, my family are all delighted

You are inspirational, OP!

Your partner may not have been very sensitive in what he said but it seems like he had your best interests at heart and you have already made some big changes as a result.

Onwards and upwards!

Inspirational may be a stretch, but it is nice of you to say all the same. Ready for a day of misery with the boss, maybe they are being asshats because they don't want me to feel bad when i leave

That's great! Maybe you should try and get a week or two holidays in between ending one and starting the new one? Best of luck with it.

maybe they are being asshats because they don't want me to feel bad when i leave - you are so generous with other people while being hard on yourself. They probably thought they'd have an underpaid doormat forever.

Congratulations on the new job. Do you have any unpaid leave you can take to give you some breathing space between leaving one job and starting the new one?

I hope the new job pays a lot more.

I have 48 holiday days banked, but my boss is being quite awkward about letting me know when i can leave, my plan now is to finish on payday next month and start the following Monday so I will have a few days leave.

The pay is on the low end of industry standards but there is a bonus for completing the probation period and a pay review in January of each year so I am more than happy to start on a lower wage (not lower than my current one obviously) so the settling in period is accounted for. I also asked the recruiter to check I could have the day off for my wedding, and after he stopped laughing about me asking for one day off to get married he came back to me to say he asked them about getting the day and they said I can have up to two weeks and to let them know when i started what I wanted...so...already an improvement.

If you have holiday banked, can't you take it pretty much immediately?

That's a lot of banked time off. Have they been blocking you using your holiday entitlement? No wonder you've felt so flat and exhausted. Take the time to have some fun and refuel, as starting a new job is very emotionally draining.

I could leave today if i wanted, but that would leave everyone up the creek so I don't want to do that either. I just don't really take holidays, but the accounts department have said they'll have to pay them out before they can remove me from payroll

Take the two weeks after your wedding OP, and make your start date so that you get more time off between jobs. Look, everyone needs time off. It actually makes you a better employee. But you're out of the habit and need to get it back.

I’m in the same boat OP.
After splitting with my sons father- I had to carry on with my full time job, arrange childcare, swimming lessons etc - after a good few years on own where I felt I was just fire fighting I meant a lovely man.
Now a few years later , I still don’t have any hobbies or interests aside from work.
I like to go out different places at weekend though, mooch around - but in the week I have nothing, except routine of kids/homework/tea .
My dp is driving me mad atm with World Cup footie watching every bloody game every day- but I moaned at him this morning that for past two weeks I may as well been single mum again, he says well you need to find other interests!!
All my friends are in same boat of kids/commitments, we all work shifts so can not commit to things weekly..... am at a loss too

Miserysquared

Absolutely take the two weeks off after your wedding!

If you are getting pay in lieu of all the annual leave days you are owed, can you afford to go on a honeymoon?

I think going on a honeymoon would be a huge step towards learning to enjoy rather than endure your life!

And please, please, PLEASE take your full annual leave allowance every year from now on. Even if you can't afford to go on a proper holiday, the odd random day off from time to time to do whatever you like with would do you the world of good.

No wonder you are miserable! You need to learn to love yourself a lot more!*