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Original poster

DP moving in and debts. Am i being unfair?

311 replies

Humbugington · 04/06/2018 11:02

Been with my partner about 12 months, we were planning on him moving in before the end of the year (september october time).

We have had a few small discussions recently about finances, how it would work etc. Everytime we do he tells me about a littlw bit more debt he "thought i knew about"

He pays £600 a month on his car by the time hes paid finance and insurance etc. (Its a stupid pride and joy car that can apparently only have the best parts and shell fuel etc.)
He also has a £3000 credit card debt and pays his mum back £200 a month for a £20000 loan for solicitors when things with his ex broke down (he has a 3 yr old son)
His phone is also on a £60 month contract.

This month after all his bills were paid he had £100 left to buy food and petrol Hmm

I am a single mum to a 18 month old, i work part time and get UC. I work really hard to stay out of debt. I have none and would like to keep it that way.

So i said maube we should put off him moving in for a bit until he gets his debts in better order. He said he can pay his debts off quicker though if he moves in because he wont be paying rent and stuff and then we can start saving for a.mortgage sooner etc. He also says he got the debt before he got with me and there is nothing he can do contracts hes tied into to (i suggested he sell his car and get a cheap run around)

I kind of see his point but i still feel like its just dragging me into all his debt which feels messy and makes me uncomfortable. AIBU to want him to clear his debt a bit first?

OP posts:
Hideandgo · 04/06/2018 11:03

Only you can judge if his intentions are noble.

Hideandgo · 04/06/2018 11:04

I personally would be suspicious and considering how high the stakes are, I’d be inclined to be very cautious.....

RB68 · 04/06/2018 11:06

No he wouldn't be coming in with me to live rent free and ride around in a boys toy

senioritabonita · 04/06/2018 11:06

I wouldn't want to share my life and finances with someone who'd demonstrated those priorities

Bananalanacake · 04/06/2018 11:08

Not unreasonable. My own rule of thumb is 5 years in a relationship before discussing moving it. Especially if children are involved. Definitely put foot down and don't let him move in until debts are cleared.

autumnboys · 04/06/2018 11:09

I would tread very, very cautiously here. You sound very sensible about money and he....doesn’t. If he was so keen to reduce debt/save for a mortgage, why the ridiculously expensive car & phone contract? That debt to his mum is going to take a long long time to pay off, too.

Will you lose your UC if he moves in?

Bananalanacake · 04/06/2018 11:09

I mean moving IN of course Smile

UnimaginativeUsername · 04/06/2018 11:09

He would be paying rent and stuff though, not least because your UC will be affected by his income if he lives with you.

Don’t let him move in.

Rainbowqueeen · 04/06/2018 11:10

Trust your gut. Don’t let him move in

You can’t even be sure that you know about all of the debt at this point

Plus it sounds like a lot of it was spent on luxuries. Carefully think about merging finances with someone like that. Would he even qualify for a mortgage?

Cuttingthegrass · 04/06/2018 11:11

What benefits will you lose with him moving in? Sounds like he’s not planning on paying anything for his keep

You’ve only known him 12 months that’s no time at all! Sounds a bit like he’s got a cushy life sussed out. Be careful please.

Idratherhaveacupoftea · 04/06/2018 11:11

Rent free! You will lose your single person council tax, who's going to pay the rest? Do you get housing benefit because you will lose some of that as well if he moves in.

PinkFluffyFairy · 04/06/2018 11:11

You would be a couple if he moved in with you and your benefit calculation would be based on his income, not what he has left.

DanielCraigsUnderpants · 04/06/2018 11:12

Its not so much the debt that would bother me, but its what the debt is for. A fancy car, £60 a month mobile bill! - so presumably a newish fancy phone model. Thats a lot to spend on luxuries and to be honest he's prioritizing those things before paying off his mum. And that doesn't sit right with me at all. Before he met you he still had his son and a debt to his mother. Whether he's locked into a contract or not, he has chosen to treat himself before paying back a debt or maybe putting money aside for his son's future.

I'm sure he's a decent person OP, but i think you are right to be cautious especially if him moving in will reduce your income from UC etc

Cuttingthegrass · 04/06/2018 11:12

Oh amd he is refusing to compromise or discuss the waste of money on a car and the expense of it compared to an alternative when he has so much debt. That’s a red flag for me

Yokatsu · 04/06/2018 11:12

No way would I be moving him in. That's a hell of a lot of debt

Didiusfalco · 04/06/2018 11:13

Don’t do it. You’re about to get yourself a cocklodger.

SamandDean · 04/06/2018 11:13

I would definitely not be moving in together. If he’s in so much debt, the sensible and mature thing for him to do would be to sell his car. That would help clear some of that debt and he can get a smaller run around. You should concentrate on yourself and your child. If you live together you may also lose your UC. Think about this as if he then carries on putting you in more debt and you also lose your benefits, you could end up in seriously trouble

ButtonMoonLoon · 04/06/2018 11:13

Alarm bells ringing away here.
Have you looked into how you will be affected financially if he moves in?
You are likely to lose a substantial amount of your UC
Why on earth does he think he won't be paying rent? Is he expecting you to keep him?
Be very careful.

LML83 · 04/06/2018 11:13

If I was single I might take the chance his debt wouldn't impact me. With a child I wouldn't take any risks.
He should pay off the debts before moving in, and make cut backs if he wants to pay it off faster.
Sounds like you are being sensible.

Jammycustard · 04/06/2018 11:13

Sounds like a potential cocklodger.

AnnabelleLecter · 04/06/2018 11:14

He wouldn't be moving in with me, I'm afraid.
What other debts is he going to slide into the conversation claiming you know about them?
Silly old you for being forgetful. Shock

Sounds like you are a convenient way to help him pay his debt off quickly...or not.

Don't ignore your instincts.

Aussiebean · 04/06/2018 11:14

What does he mean by he won’t be paying rent??

FrizzyNoodles · 04/06/2018 11:14

Look into your UC claim - couples claim jointly so if he is working full time and you part time you are likely to lose out financially.

Merryoldgoat · 04/06/2018 11:14

So you pay all the rent and presumably bills whilst his financial position improves?

Not a chance, especially not with a child. If he’s not willing to have a relationship without moving in then he’s not got honourable intentions.

It’s better to be alone than with someone who is a drain on your resources.

TheBogWitchIsBack · 04/06/2018 11:14

Fuck that! Not a chance he'd be moving in with me. Firstly it will affect your benefits and secondly, where does he get off thinking he's gonna be living with you rent free?