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Original poster

DP moving in and debts. Am i being unfair?

311 replies

Humbugington · 04/06/2018 11:02

Been with my partner about 12 months, we were planning on him moving in before the end of the year (september october time).

We have had a few small discussions recently about finances, how it would work etc. Everytime we do he tells me about a littlw bit more debt he "thought i knew about"

He pays £600 a month on his car by the time hes paid finance and insurance etc. (Its a stupid pride and joy car that can apparently only have the best parts and shell fuel etc.)
He also has a £3000 credit card debt and pays his mum back £200 a month for a £20000 loan for solicitors when things with his ex broke down (he has a 3 yr old son)
His phone is also on a £60 month contract.

This month after all his bills were paid he had £100 left to buy food and petrol Hmm

I am a single mum to a 18 month old, i work part time and get UC. I work really hard to stay out of debt. I have none and would like to keep it that way.

So i said maube we should put off him moving in for a bit until he gets his debts in better order. He said he can pay his debts off quicker though if he moves in because he wont be paying rent and stuff and then we can start saving for a.mortgage sooner etc. He also says he got the debt before he got with me and there is nothing he can do contracts hes tied into to (i suggested he sell his car and get a cheap run around)

I kind of see his point but i still feel like its just dragging me into all his debt which feels messy and makes me uncomfortable. AIBU to want him to clear his debt a bit first?

OP posts:
Keeptrudging · 04/06/2018 12:06

To use a good old-fashioned Scottish phrase, he's 'all fur coat and nae knickers'. His spending is all about him and his image. He sounds utterly selfish. What's yours is mine and what's mine is mine. You'd be mad to let him move in. Fine as a fun boyfriend, not as an adult to build a future together.

BewareOfDragons · 04/06/2018 12:08

Do NOT let him move in.

No one should live together if the main reason is 'to save money'. No one.

And he intends to freeload off of you while refusing to give up the obvious: the ridiculous car and associated expenses. He should be taking a second job to pay off his mum and getting his finances in order, not pushing to move in with you so you can support him while he does nothing differently.

Don't do this, to you or your little one. Just don't.

clumsyduck · 04/06/2018 12:09

Absolutley not Infact I wouldn't even be attracted to someone like this . 100 quid a month left for food etc but happy to blow 600 quid a month on a car . Does he pay for his son ? Will he be ready to help potentially support your dc ( potentially future step dc) when you lose you tax credits etc etc due to him moving in . Doubt it .
He sounds like an overgrown teenager !!

MagicFajita · 04/06/2018 12:09

I'd advise caution too op. You are a poor match when comes to your attitudes towards budgeting and spending , I predict lots of financial misery for you and potential debt too if he doesn't pay his way once you lose UC.

You have lots to offer him but I see no benefits for you. Do you really want to be with the most generous man in the pub when that means that you will probably have to go without?

Stay with him if you wish, but if you allow him to move in you'll be posting here in a year or two about your regrets.

PragmaticWench · 04/06/2018 12:11

If you want to work four days a week instead of two, and your Mum is happy to have your DD, then think how much better off you'd be WITHOUT having to subsidise his lifestyle choices!!

Why would you work two extra days for his benefit alone?! You're a parent, you owe that extra effort or money to your child, not to your man-child.

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 04/06/2018 12:12

And here, in the wilderness, a lodger of the cock variety is puffing up his chest and strutting because he has found himself a free nest. Grin
Don't let him move in Op, he wants to live off you and he will drag you and your child down with all his debts.

GladAllOver · 04/06/2018 12:12

No. No. No.

And No again.

RaymondHolt · 04/06/2018 12:12

Please don't do it!

I think you'll end up with a sponger. If he's been secretive about debt last, what is stopping him from accruing more?

ohfourfoxache · 04/06/2018 12:13

DON’T DO IT

So he wants to live with you so he can pay off his debts, and in doing so it will negatively impact your finances.

He’s telling you who he is - please listen

KarmaStar · 04/06/2018 12:13

You are right to be worried.
He is intending on keeping his car and being subsidised by you.
He has 'no rent to pay'?when living with you.
I'd be running for the hills.
Sorry opFlowers

Joysmum · 04/06/2018 12:14

This month after all his bills were paid he had £100 left to buy food and petrol

If he looks bed with you, your lifestyle if to spend more on food and fuel a month.

So as much as he’s right, he could pay off his debts sooner living with you, that’s because you’d be paying his other bills to enable that.

I think you’d be mad to allow him to move in, plus I wouldn’t want me or my address to be linked to massive debt like he has currently.

KarmaStar · 04/06/2018 12:14

@iwanttobeemmapeel....Smile

TolchockLovelyInTheLitso · 04/06/2018 12:15

OP you should be proud of yourself. You say you're a bad judge of character, but it seems that you're learning to improve.

For perhaps the first time you've noticed what your gut is telling you. That is wonderful. Grab hold of it. You don't trust it enough yet to just act on it which is why you've posted here. As you can see, we're in unanimous agreement with your gut. Your judgement is sound even if you don't quite believe it yet.

This guy is a massive cocklodger. Please don't prioritise his phone and car over fun times and security for you and your DS. Good luck in saying a firm NO to him moving in. We'll back you all the way. X

Clandestino · 04/06/2018 12:15

Please don't. Stay away. Consider the future of your relationship.
He's using you. You know it.
If you move together, he won't pay off his debt faster. He'll just generate more debt and will try to involve you in it too, while you pay for the roof over his head and the food in his stomach and provide free service in bed.

Joysmum · 04/06/2018 12:16
  • wtf? If he ‘moves in’ with you, not ‘looks bed’ with you Blush
Addy2 · 04/06/2018 12:16

What if you move to working a 4 day week, your mum still looks after your DD for two and he doesn't move in? Would you then keep your UC and get the extra wages, thus being better off? Also, if he isn't good with money, what he's told you may be the tip of the iceberg. What if bailiffs show up at your home demanding payment? Seems like him moving in has the potential to plunge the nice little world you've built for your DD into chaos.

Missingstreetlife · 04/06/2018 12:19

And if anything happens that means your mum stops being your childcare, is he going to pay? Thought not.

DileenODoubts · 04/06/2018 12:19

Pay v careful attention to how he reacts when you tell him your worries about him moving in. Tell him you want half rent & bills paid and see his reaction.
My bet is he’ll be oh so offended, try to manipulate you with crap like he may as well end the relationship if you’re not moving in together or fake promises that he’ll sort it AFTER he’s moved in (he won’t).
Remember, a good man’s reaction to your worries would be to listen and make sure you’re not missing out on anything by his moving in.
Also, imagine the extra money from your mom’s childcare and what it could mean for you & your child when it’s not subsidising his debt. You’re great with money and you could do something lovely together, save it for a little hol for you & your child not on his debts.

Goodasgoldilox · 04/06/2018 12:20

He is happy to be in debt to the people he loves... for unimportant purchases. This does not seem a good thing to me.

He buys toys first and only then thinks about money to live. He doesn't sound like a safe man to plan your future with. You will need to be his parent.

No fortune-teller's ball is required to see that if you live together, you (and your children) will end up being owed much money. You are also likely to become gradually responsible for debts that you all (he) incur as things arise. Don't expect any great proportion of this back.

catinboots9 · 04/06/2018 12:20

I meant wouldn't ^^ in my last post obvs Blush

wagil · 04/06/2018 12:20

Are you actually saying that he won't be paying half the rent and bills OP if he moves in?

ThreeIsACharm · 04/06/2018 12:21

If he moves in with you and a bailiff turn up at our door you will have to prove he owns nothing in your house with receipts etc.
It seems if he has severe debt issues he may drag you down with him and you have a child to think of.
I think postponing would be a good idea until he has sorted his finances.

Hopeful88 · 04/06/2018 12:24

He wants to move in with a woman and her baby rent free while he pays £600 a MONTH for a car?
Seriously, no way. Don't even think about it.

clumsyduck · 04/06/2018 12:25

Got to agree with other posters too imagine working those extra two days and your mum providing childcare , that sounds great for you , maybe save up for a holiday / whatever you and dd like !! Rather than subsidising someone else who has failed to be as astute with his money as you.

I feel angry for you !! Honestly use the fact you are good with money / no debt etc to enjoy the rewards of being able to earn more in the future

CoraPirbright · 04/06/2018 12:25

All the pp’s saying that he wants to move in with you so that he can pay off his debts faster - I simply dont believe it!! I think he has bugger all intention of paying off his debts. If he had, he would have sold this bloody car for a start! He just wants a free ride!! WHY does he think he wont be paying ‘rent and stuff”?? Do you rent or own OP? I would seriously have a rethink about this guy. And I very much doubt you know the full extent of his debts yet. I suspect there is more to come.