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Relationships

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Original poster

DP moving in and debts. Am i being unfair?

311 replies

Humbugington · 04/06/2018 11:02

Been with my partner about 12 months, we were planning on him moving in before the end of the year (september october time).

We have had a few small discussions recently about finances, how it would work etc. Everytime we do he tells me about a littlw bit more debt he "thought i knew about"

He pays £600 a month on his car by the time hes paid finance and insurance etc. (Its a stupid pride and joy car that can apparently only have the best parts and shell fuel etc.)
He also has a £3000 credit card debt and pays his mum back £200 a month for a £20000 loan for solicitors when things with his ex broke down (he has a 3 yr old son)
His phone is also on a £60 month contract.

This month after all his bills were paid he had £100 left to buy food and petrol

I am a single mum to a 18 month old, i work part time and get UC. I work really hard to stay out of debt. I have none and would like to keep it that way.

So i said maube we should put off him moving in for a bit until he gets his debts in better order. He said he can pay his debts off quicker though if he moves in because he wont be paying rent and stuff and then we can start saving for a.mortgage sooner etc. He also says he got the debt before he got with me and there is nothing he can do contracts hes tied into to (i suggested he sell his car and get a cheap run around)

I kind of see his point but i still feel like its just dragging me into all his debt which feels messy and makes me uncomfortable. AIBU to want him to clear his debt a bit first?

OP posts:

FabulouslyFab · 04/06/2018 11:14

Sounds like the road to ruin. You are doing very well by yourself. Don’t let him move in until you can be sure he is serious about setting his debts - like downsizing that car!!!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/06/2018 11:14

I would be extremely wary of him moving in with that level of debt. Would he not be paying 50% of your rent? Would you lose your UC?

Just sounds like he a financial liability. 12 months is not a long time - definitely put off moving in together for a least a couple of years. £600 per month on a car is a LOT of money.

PickAChew · 04/06/2018 11:14

Don't move him in. He makes poor financial choices and will continue to do so, only to the detriment of you and your kids.

fuzzywuzzy · 04/06/2018 11:15

No don’t do it.

He has cocklodger written all over your post.

What happens when he has his feet firmly under your table and suddenly produces more debts ‘you already know about’?

If he wants to do desperately be rid of his debt he should down grade his car to a cheap run around that does not require expensive parts and she’ll petrol, downgrade his phone contract to the cheapest going etc.

Don’t let him move in you’ll lose all your benefits and he won’t contribute anything because of his debts he wants to free load off of you

kissthealderman · 04/06/2018 11:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cricrichan · 04/06/2018 11:16

He sounds like the father of my eldest. Blamed his debts on lots of things. I paid them off as the interest was a lot but he carried on living above his/our means even though we earned well. Flashy car, Costas, new clothes, new credit cards etc.

The fact that your boyfriend has a flashy expensive car when he owes his mum so much money tells me everything I need to know about him! If he moves in, he'd just find some other use for the money he's saving living with you.

If I were you I'd tell him that once his debts are sorted, he can move in. Let's see how serious he is about moving in with you.

timeisnotaline · 04/06/2018 11:17

I would be fine with solicitors fees but not a fancy car and new phone. It would also be completely unacceptable if he is not being crystal clear he would pay his fair share of bills and food and cover any uc loss you might have. It sounds like you’re a single Mum and he wants you to fund him while he enjoys luxuries you wouldn’t dream of. I’m also uncomfortable with not paying his mum off faster given the fancy car etc- it shows his priorities. I wouldn’t let him move in, you don’t want to save for a mortgage with him anyway until his financial priorities are different.

Original poster

Humbugington · 04/06/2018 11:17

Yes i will lose my UC but my mum is retiring in september and will have DD 2 days a week for me so i can work 4 days instead of two and then my finances will be the same give or take £20

But that is my worry that he just sees me as easy way to pay off his debt rather than entering into a partnership. His intentions seem honest but im a notoriously bad judge of character so just wondered on other peoples opinions.

OP posts:

sozzled · 04/06/2018 11:18

He won't be paying rent? So he's expecting to sponge off you?

I definitely wouldn't move in with him. He might have more debts he hasn't told you about yet, he's clearly making poor financial decisions and he is planning to leech off of you!

notacooldad · 04/06/2018 11:19

I wouldn't even consider moving someone in who was in that position.
In theory it makes sense in what he is saying but it could be at a high cost to you.

Don't let someone else's debt drag you down. If you are responsibly or are debt free try and keep it that way if you can ( I don't mean managed debts like organised loans but things that have been dragging on for years, like they have with your boyfriend)

And what does he mean he won't be paying rent, isn't he going to make a contribution to your household.

Namechange128 · 04/06/2018 11:24

No way! Hes not good with money and worse, takes no responsibility for it and doesn't acknowledge it. He won't change, and you'll be funding him like his mum does. When your mum retires, instead of using that money to make up for loss of benefits due to him, save it or spend it on nice stuff for you and your child.

DanielCraigsUnderpants · 04/06/2018 11:25

I think we're saying you are being justifiably cautious. If he is honest and decent he will sort his debts out and not expect you to bail him out for his luxury lifestyle. One I presume that you are not living yourself

Bananalanacake · 04/06/2018 11:25

Even if he had no debt at all I would not let a man move in after only a year, it's too soon. Especially as you have dc.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 04/06/2018 11:25

So you'll be working 2 extra days a week, to subsidise him? If he moves in he should pay his way. And if he has debt issues and moves in with you, you could find yourself dealing with bailiffs or taking on more and more of the financial responsibility.

There's no way he's going to be in a position to get a mortgage for years.

anotherfail · 04/06/2018 11:25

So, you'll be working an extra 2 days a week to be in the same position financially so that he can move in rent free. WHY would you do that?

The only way that I'd agree to him moving in is if he's happy to pay half of rent and all household bills. What does he currently pay out in rent and household bills?

Frosty66612 · 04/06/2018 11:25

Why won’t he be Paying any rent?! Moving into my OH’s place I pay half his mortgage (it’s not expensive) and we have a legal document from a solicitors that he’s signed to say if we break up and I move out he’s to pay me back what I’ve paid towards his mortgage (he has plenty of savings so he’d be able to do this quickly).
I’d give it another 6-12 months to see how things are between you both and then reevaluate the situation then. I’ve had bad debts myself but I cleared them all by being incredibly frugal for 3 years and not taking out expensive phone and car finance. His credit rating is probably shot to pieces so he wouldn’t even qualify for a mortgage and it would all have to go in your name (if you were able to get one on your own)

Weezol · 04/06/2018 11:27

So he will not be contributing his 50% share towards rent, bills, food, toiletries etc if he moves in?

He's taking the piss on a grand scale - he lives way beyond his means and always will if he can find someone to bankroll him. That's currently his mum, it will become you.

I wouldn't be continuing a relationship with him, let alone living with him.

eddielizzard · 04/06/2018 11:32

'he wont be paying rent and stuff'

why not? i'd be very wary...

Picklepickle123 · 04/06/2018 11:33

Nooooo. No way.

I love that in his list of outgoings it doesn't mention any child maintenance. He's looking for you to look after him financially - you have a young child! Protect yourself from this idiot and refuse to move in together before all bills are paid in full. Including his mum.

Thespringsthething · 04/06/2018 11:36

Wouldn't it be better if you worked two extra days and had considerably more money for you and your child? His £100 isn't going to pay the shortfall in rent, food, bills and council tax loss of discount, is it? He doesn't sound like a good earner or good with money.

Judashascomeintosomemoney · 04/06/2018 11:37

he won’t be paying rent how come? Who is he expecting to pay the rent? You? Hahahahaha. No.
How long to pay off the debt? Bet he plans on moving back out again when you’ve served your purpose.
Cocklodger.

FizzyGreenWater · 04/06/2018 11:38

But that is my worry that he just sees me as easy way to pay off his debt rather than entering into a partnership.

Yes he does!

He's told you that - he's expecting to not pay rent, right?

You're going to be paying that for him... while he keeps financing his boys toy car.

You say you're a notoriously bad judge of character - I'd respectfully agree, from what you've said so far.

This guy is a user. 'His intentions seem honest' - um, you mean that right now he's fluttering his eyelashes and telling you what you want to hear? Of course he is.

To put it very plainly: this guy is a waster who has racked up debt after debt and he's still living beyond his means. You've only known him a year and you want to move him in with your kids, and he's already telling you that that sounds peachy as he's going to be able to sponge off you (aka 'live rent free') which means he's going to be able to keep his dickwaver's car and his flashy phone.

Within three months this will be happening:

You will find yourself struggling as you end up feeding and generally bankrolling another adult on top of losing your UC. He'll live the sponger's life he always has, and if you point out that maybe he should contribute to food, bills for heating, loo roll etc that he uses too, you'll be a nag who is 'attacking him when you knew he had all his debts to pay off, babe'. Meanwhile, said debts won't really reduce, because he gets to carry on buying premium grade fuel and upgrading his phone and going out with his mates drinking.

Do Not Do It.

You know already that he is a waster because a genuine person with £20k debt would not even have that car or that phone contract.

Frosty66612 · 04/06/2018 11:38

He should be the one taking on extra work, not you! I think unless he’s contributing properly to all rent, bills and food then he needs to wait until he’s closer to being debt free before he can move in with someone, or he needs to find a better paid job. What about if you ever want to do anything together like a meal out or a day trip with your child? He won’t be able to contribute anything and you’ll always have to pay

Gardai · 04/06/2018 11:39

Nooooooo OP
You have a child to support already, you don’t need another one who likes fancy stuff (that he can’t afford).
I would bet he will move in with you, not pay rent, not save up and get an even fancier car and phone. You will be left with a mess.
If you are happy as you are, living apart, keep it that way.

MapleLeafRag · 04/06/2018 11:40

So let me see..you are going to be worse off financially and he won’t have to pay any rent or bills which makes him massively better off.

Why do this and be such a low-hanging fruit for a cockladger?

Tell him he can move in when he’a paid off his debts and can pay his way...

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