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Original poster

DP moving in and debts. Am i being unfair?

311 replies

Humbugington · 04/06/2018 11:02

Been with my partner about 12 months, we were planning on him moving in before the end of the year (september october time).

We have had a few small discussions recently about finances, how it would work etc. Everytime we do he tells me about a littlw bit more debt he "thought i knew about"

He pays £600 a month on his car by the time hes paid finance and insurance etc. (Its a stupid pride and joy car that can apparently only have the best parts and shell fuel etc.)
He also has a £3000 credit card debt and pays his mum back £200 a month for a £20000 loan for solicitors when things with his ex broke down (he has a 3 yr old son)
His phone is also on a £60 month contract.

This month after all his bills were paid he had £100 left to buy food and petrol Hmm

I am a single mum to a 18 month old, i work part time and get UC. I work really hard to stay out of debt. I have none and would like to keep it that way.

So i said maube we should put off him moving in for a bit until he gets his debts in better order. He said he can pay his debts off quicker though if he moves in because he wont be paying rent and stuff and then we can start saving for a.mortgage sooner etc. He also says he got the debt before he got with me and there is nothing he can do contracts hes tied into to (i suggested he sell his car and get a cheap run around)

I kind of see his point but i still feel like its just dragging me into all his debt which feels messy and makes me uncomfortable. AIBU to want him to clear his debt a bit first?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/06/2018 11:40

Christ, no

kissthealderman · 04/06/2018 11:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PolkaHots · 04/06/2018 11:40

You sound like you have very different priorities, and he is dismissive of your concerns.

Zaphodsotherhead · 04/06/2018 11:41

Everytime we do he tells me about a littlw bit more debt he "thought i knew about"

So he's already gaslighting you.

Just no.

Ragwort · 04/06/2018 11:41

Absolutely not - and even more shocked that you are planning to work more hours (with your DM having just retired and now having to childminder Shock) so that this lazy cocklodger can sponge off you. If I was your mother I would be beyond furious.

DO NOT EVEN CONSIDER ALLOWING HIM TO MOVE IN

catinboots9 · 04/06/2018 11:41

Why would he be paying half the rent on your place? Confused

dueanotherchange · 04/06/2018 11:42

DO NOT LET HIM MOVE IN

I don't think I can be any clearer about that.

This will end badly. Don't let him move in. You will end up saddled with his debt.

I formed that opinion when you said he was slowly revealing debt "he thought you knew about." and before you'd put in any of the other details.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/06/2018 11:42

"But that is my worry that he just sees me as easy way to pay off his debt rather than entering into a partnership. His intentions seem honest but im a notoriously bad judge of character so just wondered on other peoples opinions".

Your worries are not unfounded ones at all. I would be wondering why you would want to continue a relationship with him let alone having him move in with you. I would respectfully suggest that your boundaries re judges of character and men need more work.

What are you getting out of this relationship with him, what is in this for you?. I can certainly see the attractions for him re you but you re him?. He is a cocklodger and likely also targeted you because you are a single mother and thus in his eyes so desperate for any male company that you would put up with anything.

Murane · 04/06/2018 11:43

I wouldn't trust that he doesn't have more secret debts. I also wouldn't work an extra two days to subsidise him! And he clearly doesn't intend to pay his way. If he moves in it's going to cost you, so that would be a deal breaker for me. He is obviously irresponsible with money judging by how much he's spending on his car and phone. I wouldn't consider sharing my life with someone who finds it acceptable to spend £600 on a car, leaving him with only £100 to live on! How is he currently managing to eat and pay bills on that amount?!

Tambien · 04/06/2018 11:43

If he is moving in, what will he give you for the house/water/electricity/food??
The fact your mum will look afetr your dd two days has nothing to do with that.
If he wasn’t moving in, you would still be doing that and earn much more money.
Somwjat he is actually doing is asking you to make a BIG compromise financially whilst he is doing fuck all (actually is hoping to be better off financially). That doesn’t sound right at all.

I would sit him down and actually look at your finances together.
How much you have now, how much you will loose by him moving in.
How much he has now, how much debt he has and how much he will be able to contribute.
Include the issue of his ds visiting at weekends (would you need a bigger house for example)
Then decide.
It might be that the current system for UC is skewed so movingnin isn’t the right option for you financially.
But you can let him put you in a precarious position financially just because it wouod help him iyswim

MumofBoysx2 · 04/06/2018 11:44

He needs to get rid of the car and get something sensible! So much wasted money, if you include the crippling interest as well! Crazy.

UnimaginativeUsername · 04/06/2018 11:44

You’ve said you are a notoriously bad judge of character, and it really does sound like you’ve assessed his character far too generously.

No decent man would expect you to rely on free childcare from your mum so that you can work more to pay for his lifestyle choices. Him living rent and bill free should not have been a consideration at all.

My guess would be that he is not good at reliably paying his CMS for his 3 year old either.

I’d suggest reconsidering the entire relationship, never mind discussing whether you should live together or not.

expatinscotland · 04/06/2018 11:44

'But that is my worry that he just sees me as easy way to pay off his debt rather than entering into a partnership. His intentions seem honest but im a notoriously bad judge of character so just wondered on other peoples opinions.'

NFW should he move in because this is exactly why he's moving in. You barely know this man, 12 months is no time at all, and more and more of his debt keeps slipping out and most of all, his actions show he is NOT doing the best he can to get it paid off asap - he's still got a blining phone and prestige car. Why? Because he feels entitled to the nicer things in life, and that's his priority. He will do whatever it takes to achieve that aim, too, borrow off his family, get a credit card, cocklodge with a girlfriend, not pay for his child!

STOP.

Take a step back.

And do the Freedom Programme because this one is not someone you ever want to blend finances with.

'He won't pay rent and stuff', nope. NO WAY.

LadyOdd · 04/06/2018 11:46

I’m sorry but it feels like he’s using it more to pay off his debts than as a partnership he should be willing to make concessions like the car etc, also a year is a very short amount of time especially if he’s planing to stay in your life forever. He needs to sort his finances out and make a long term financial goals.

Don’t let him sponge off your family. X

HollowTalk · 04/06/2018 11:46

Oh come on, OP, he's told you that he won't be paying rent! He has no intention of doing anything other than getting his feet under your table so that he has more spare money.

As for owing his mum £20,000!!! It will take him 8 years to repay that, and that's if he pays every single month. I bet my house he's missed payments already.

He pays 3 x the loan repayment on a car. Three times!!! He could have a car for £200 per month but no, he wants the best, doesn't he?

Also, he spent £20,000 on solicitors' fees. Is he stupid? Why would he do that? Was he dragging it out for the sake of it? Wasn't he adding up what it was costing? Did he think someone - mummy - would bail him out?

bobstersmum · 04/06/2018 11:47

I wouldn't have him. He sounds like he owes a lot and possibly more than he's declared. Once he's moved in he's linked to you and if he defaults then it's on you as well. 600 for a car? That's a mortgage in itself. You can get out of car finance it's not that difficult, if he's paid half he can voluntarily terminate the agreement, he could part ex for something cheaper, or borrow off mum to pay the finance off and sell the car then repay her.

LadyOdd · 04/06/2018 11:48

Tbh I would be tempted to say ltb is he won’t show you all his finances and debts!

BlueJava · 04/06/2018 11:48

I think it's really important in a relationship to have the same attitude to several things - one of them being finances. You sound very sensible and good at managing money and he sounds completely the opposite. So he's paying off a very large debt but has also bought a toy car? He'd need to pay you rent, so no change from what he pays now for his own place. Please proceed with great caution, I think it would make you very unhappy. Personally I wouldn't not move in together until he has cleared his current debts.

trulybadlydeeply · 04/06/2018 11:48

Don't do it. If he really loves you and wants to be with you long term, then he will be willing to wait, sort his debts and then move in with you once he is in a better position financially.

Why should you have to double your work hours just to cover what you would lose if he moves in? (Obviously absolutely nothing wrong with you wanting to work more hours, but it should be because you want to, not because him moving in means you have to).

Is the suggestion that he pays half your rent, bills etc? I honestly believe that he sees this as an easy way out of the mess he is in.

Tell him that you don't want to move in together until you can jointly apply for a mortgage, and see how he reacts. A decent man would be doing all he could to reduce outgoings/pay off debt to get to that point.

FeckinCrunchiesInTheCar · 04/06/2018 11:48

Nope.
He wouldn't get past the door.
Cocklodger alert.

HollowTalk · 04/06/2018 11:48

He pays £600 for his car every month. How much does he pay for his child?

You know perhaps you need to see this as him wanting to sponge off your child. He wants your money to support him instead of your son. He's happy for you to work an extra couple of days, for your mum to work those days caring for your son, all so that he can have a nice standard of living.

You need to dump this selfish cocklodger, OP.

mirialis · 04/06/2018 11:50

Just NO.

Not only should he not even consider moving in until his contract is up on the car and he can get rid of it, but think long and hard about even being in a relationship with a person who has such a different attitude to money from you.

If you are someone who will go without rather than have any debt then it is extremely hard to have a happy relationship with someone who has the exact opposite attitude. Certainly he should not be moving in and taking on a father role with your 18-month child right now.

StealthNinjaMum · 04/06/2018 11:51

Sorry but if he were genuine he would be upfront about his debts and would aim to sell his car and reduce his outgoings (in a way that doesn't involve living rent free with you.)

Perhaps he can live rent free with his mum to help sort himself out? Hmm not sure she'd want him.

Rocinante1 · 04/06/2018 11:52

Why does he think he won’t be paying rent?

What are your expectations of his financial contribution?

Sit down and show him what he will be paying. It’s not a negotiation. Show him 50% of rent, bills and estimated grocery shop for his food etc. That’s what he will be paying, and then his debts and his child maintenance.

He needs to wake up and realise he can’t afford the fancy things he wants right now. The phone and car need to go. If he won’t agree, then walk away.

mirialis · 04/06/2018 11:52

We have had a few small discussions recently about finances, how it would work etc. Everytime we do he tells me about a littlw bit more debt he "thought i knew about"

End it.