Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP moving in and debts. Am i being unfair?

311 replies

Humbugington · 04/06/2018 11:02

Been with my partner about 12 months, we were planning on him moving in before the end of the year (september october time).

We have had a few small discussions recently about finances, how it would work etc. Everytime we do he tells me about a littlw bit more debt he "thought i knew about"

He pays £600 a month on his car by the time hes paid finance and insurance etc. (Its a stupid pride and joy car that can apparently only have the best parts and shell fuel etc.)
He also has a £3000 credit card debt and pays his mum back £200 a month for a £20000 loan for solicitors when things with his ex broke down (he has a 3 yr old son)
His phone is also on a £60 month contract.

This month after all his bills were paid he had £100 left to buy food and petrol Hmm

I am a single mum to a 18 month old, i work part time and get UC. I work really hard to stay out of debt. I have none and would like to keep it that way.

So i said maube we should put off him moving in for a bit until he gets his debts in better order. He said he can pay his debts off quicker though if he moves in because he wont be paying rent and stuff and then we can start saving for a.mortgage sooner etc. He also says he got the debt before he got with me and there is nothing he can do contracts hes tied into to (i suggested he sell his car and get a cheap run around)

I kind of see his point but i still feel like its just dragging me into all his debt which feels messy and makes me uncomfortable. AIBU to want him to clear his debt a bit first?

OP posts:
MagicFajita · 05/06/2018 13:40

Apologies if I missed this but how did he come to owe his mother so much money? It clearly wasn't for a deposit on a house or a vehicle , how on earth did he spunk that much and have absolutely nothing to show for it?

Well done for putting your foot down by the way. I hope his response has made you reconsider taking your relationship further.

MaMisled · 05/06/2018 13:40

Sorry op but he won't change.

bonnyshide · 05/06/2018 13:57

OP where is he living now?

If he can't afford to pay you £500 for rent and utilities if you lived together I'm wondering what his current situation is.

Frosty66612 · 05/06/2018 13:59

@magicfajita apparently it was for legal fees when his ex took him to court over their son

CoolCarrie · 05/06/2018 14:00

For you and your dc sake don’t let him move in ! It sounds like a terrible idea.

MagicFajita · 05/06/2018 14:01

Thank you Frosty.

AllIHaveToDo · 05/06/2018 14:03

I'm confused as to how he expected to live with you rent free Hmm honestly OP, his behaviour is similar to my ex (who I just dumped today!). This is how it starts. In all honesty I would never get with someone like this again and I would advise you to maybe consider your options...

Cliveybaby · 05/06/2018 14:15

Very sensible OP!
I moved in with my DP and pay £250 pm, plus half of all bills (except council tax as I'm a student). The 250 sounds low but it was only costing me 300 where I was before, and his place is much more inconvenient location wise.

ElinorOliphantIsCompletelyFine · 05/06/2018 15:00

*OP where is he living now?

If he can't afford to pay you £500 for rent and utilities if you lived together I'm wondering what his current situation is*

This. 500 doesn't even cover the cost of a room where I live

Cawfee · 05/06/2018 15:03

It would be an absolute no from me. He lives elsewhere until his debt is cleared. If he’s serious about you he will get it sorted. Selling the ridiculous car is a start. If he won’t do that and happily drive a small second hand cheap model then he’s not serious enough about you and is just using you for a cheap place to live. You’ll lose benefits.youll be the loser all round. Don’t do it

Zaphodsotherhead · 05/06/2018 16:30

I suspect he's living with his mum...

cloudyweewee · 05/06/2018 17:36

Run. Run like the wind.

PolkaHots · 05/06/2018 20:15

He then said he couldnt afford that

It's less than his fucking car for Christ's sake!

PolkaHots · 05/06/2018 20:18

Also... he says you'll be 'making money off him' - is he hard of thinking or something? He'll just be paying his way, something he clearly wasn't expecting to have to do.

Cricrichan · 05/06/2018 21:49

He can't afford to pay you his fair share of living costs but he can afford to pay more than that for his toy car.

midnightmisssuki · 05/06/2018 22:12

please re-think this - my nanny made the same mistake, she is now about 20k in debt because of him and struggling to pay it all back - she will never have her own house, and worse, still, she wont leave him because she cant. Her credit rating is awful. She was young, debt free and so happy before - not anymore. Oh, and she pays him half the rent, but guess what, she's just found out he hasn't been paying for months and now the landlord is kicking them out.

Monty27 · 06/06/2018 02:31

Good on you OP. Stick to your guns.
He is a text book cocklodger.
In this knowledge now I would dump him anyway.

Cupoteap · 06/06/2018 03:52

Good for you - ant believe he thought he wasn't going to have to pay anything at all!!!

JiltedJohnsJulie · 06/06/2018 04:11

I suspect he's living with his mum.. His DM must be bloody tolerant.

If he’s serious about your relationship he could do a few things. As others have said, downsizing the car should be the first thing, then looking at reducing his phone contract.

Other things he could do include a search on the Registry Trust to see if he has any CCJs. He could get letters from all of his creditors stating how much he owes, usually they are only too happy to provide this. If he’s not able to do this, the CAB can help him.. If he’s not willing, then I don’t think he values your relationship.

Well done for putting him straight before he moves in.

BedtimeTea · 06/06/2018 04:36

Why does he think that he if he moves in because he wont be paying rent and stuff ? Good call on your decision, you do not need to be supporting a grown man, and I don't think his reply about you making money off of him shows him in a good light at all.

J4nice · 06/06/2018 04:42

He is living it up and good on him
What's life if you can't enjoy the good things

NSEA · 06/06/2018 04:52

I can’t see what debt he has beyond a 3k credit card which he will ne able to clear quite quickly. A 20k loan from his parents is a debt but not one that will affect his credit file and so wouldn’t even affect you either. And that loan sounds like it was for a good reason if relates to his child.

You’re being unfair. His other costs are just normal living costs.

eggncress · 06/06/2018 05:15

You will be subsidising him at the expense of yourself and dc.
Don’t let him move in until he can pay 50% of all bills.
Also, he may have more debts you don’t know about.
Any surely extra money you earn from working longer hours should go on you and dc!Confused
Sorry but it sounds like he wants to live off you (and carry on spending his own money on himself)
Don’t be blinded by love because it will give way to resentment if he’s not contributing and you end up struggling !

eggncress · 06/06/2018 08:32

Well done OP!
However his response to your suggestion should also be a red flag for the relationship going forward. As the saying goes ... a leopard doesn’t change its spots!

sheldonesque · 06/06/2018 12:08

And there, in the wilderness, goes a spotty, nestless leopard...

I'm all for him living it up and having the good life/having normal living costs. Just not while OP has to pick up the tab.

Good on yer OP.