DP moving in and debts. Am i being unfair?

[Humbugington]

Been with my partner about 12 months, we were planning on him moving in before the end of the year (september october time).

We have had a few small discussions recently about finances, how it would work etc. Everytime we do he tells me about a littlw bit more debt he "thought i knew about"

He pays £600 a month on his car by the time hes paid finance and insurance etc. (Its a stupid pride and joy car that can apparently only have the best parts and shell fuel etc.)
He also has a £3000 credit card debt and pays his mum back £200 a month for a £20000 loan for solicitors when things with his ex broke down (he has a 3 yr old son)
His phone is also on a £60 month contract.

This month after all his bills were paid he had £100 left to buy food and petrol

I am a single mum to a 18 month old, i work part time and get UC. I work really hard to stay out of debt. I have none and would like to keep it that way.

So i said maube we should put off him moving in for a bit until he gets his debts in better order. He said he can pay his debts off quicker though if he moves in because he wont be paying rent and stuff and then we can start saving for a.mortgage sooner etc. He also says he got the debt before he got with me and there is nothing he can do contracts hes tied into to (i suggested he sell his car and get a cheap run around)

I kind of see his point but i still feel like its just dragging me into all his debt which feels messy and makes me uncomfortable. AIBU to want him to clear his debt a bit first?

No way would I move him in. You'll loose a lot of your benefits. If he's not got £100 left after debts and bills he'll not be able to help you with the shortfall. Tell him to sort his shit out first. And even then I'd be wary about how he manages his money.

With debts that size no one with any sense would take on a car loan or a mobile contract of those sizes. Certainly not without a 6 figure income.

Another one here saying no, do not let him move in. Give him a timescale to sort out his debts and see how committed he is. If he is genuine he will get rid of the stupid car and cut his expenses. If not ... then run!

Okay an alarm bell or two. Have you sat down and gone through financials with him? Eg checked his actual debt. Have you explained the weekly running costs would be split 50:50?. It is usually cheaper to live together than sperate as water gas and electric are split 50:50 but I'd make sure he is planning to pay half.

OP do not let him move in until he has cleared all his debts and got rid of that ridiculous car.

You will only regret it in the end when he is living for free at yours due to all his debt.

@Humbugington Yes i will lose my UC but my mum is retiring in september and will have DD 2 days a week for me so i can work 4 days instead of two and then my finances will be the same give or take £20

So you will be losing 2 days with your son and working twice as much as now to pay this guys debts. I dont think its a good idea and he sounds like hes using you as a free ride. By all means continue the relationship - but without you supporting him. You would then have 2 dependants essentially. Why not work the 4 days and spend the extra money on holidays for you and your son (even invite/pay for your boyfriend if necessary). Also him refusing to sell his car yet allowing his girlfriend to work an extra 2 days to pay for him shows how selfish he is.

£600 a month on a car is absolutely ridiculous.

I would not be having him moving in to my home while he's driving around in his boy toy and carrying so much debt.

Hell no!
Do not let him move in with all that debt.
Just tell him that you cannot afford to lose your UC and your council tax cut and you certainly can't afford to house, feed, etc... another person right now so it's not going to work.
His response will tell you all you need to know about his intentions.

His intentions sound about as honest as a guy selling carpet out of the back of a rusty transit van.

He is not living within his means, he shouldn't be paying for expensive car and phones. If he saves money (by splitting bills, not avoiding them altogether I hope? ) he will find something else he 'needs'

If he is not suggesting splitting bills I would never let him move in and would consider breaking up.

I just can't imagine spending that much money on myself as a parent. £600 on a car and £50 on a phone contract is outrageous.
I would quite love a flash car, less fussed about the phone but still. I own an 8 year old car and have a £10 sim only contract because I have children!

That sort of spending shows you where his priorities lie - and it seems that does not include providing for his child. I'm not talking about paying cm, I'm talking about having more left than £100 a month so he can afford to do things with his child or buy them a new pair of trainers etc.

Selfish man

OP - what sort of 'debts' are they? Will they affect your credit score when he moves in and is using your address?

If yes, this will affect your credit ratings for years, even though they are not your debts.

No way would this guy be moving in - it would be solely for his benefit, not yours!

He said he can pay his debts off quicker though if he moves in because he wont be paying rent and stuff and then we can start saving for a.mortgage sooner etc.
Cheeky fecker he wants you to have him live rent free and pay for the priviledge by losing your UC, then you can work twice as much and not see your child fr two extra days while you do it.
Really Humbug, give your head a wobble, he's a cocklodger in the making.
Once he has his finaces in order and paid off his debts, take about it again.

And here, in the wilderness, a lodger of the cock variety is puffing up his chest and strutting because he has found himself a free nest.

If he is truly happy that you have to work extra so that he can live rent free then you've not found yourself the one. A selfish arsehole perhaps. But not the one.

He is telling you who he is
A liar , 'ooh but you knew about that already'
A cheapskate, 'I won't be paying rent'
A Deadbeat Dad, no mention of maintenance
A showoff, car and phone prioritised over his child, his debts to his mother and you
He's great for dating and fun but is not live-in or long term material. I'd enjoy dating him and stick rigidly to the three night rule (can't spend more than three nights at mine because of UC). Saved me no end of problems when I was a single mum.

How is he going to pay his share of the bills based on those numbers, it sounds like he has no money left at the end of the month. Have you actually discussed how costs will be split?

I would give him a very wide berth and certainly wouldnt consider sharing a property and associated expenses with him until he can easily contribute 50%

My DSis had an ex like this. He moved in with her to save him money so he could clear his debt.

All he did was buy expensive things for himself and expect my Dsis to pay for everything else.

My Dsis earned 1/3 of what he did and she was a single mum. She managaged her money so she wasn't in debt.

And here, in the wilderness, a lodger of the cock variety is puffing up his chest and strutting because he has found himself a free nest.

I can just hear David Attenborough saying that!

Are you quite mad?

COCKLODGER IN WAITING

I'll bet my dysfunctional phone that his ex is "crazy", too.

I cant add anything to what has already been said other than, not only would I not move him in, I would seriously be looking at the long term implications of this relationship.

Get out now. I am guessing with the car finance, credit card and mum's debt he owes around 35k?

Just

Moving into my OH’s place I pay half his mortgage (it’s not expensive) and we have a legal document from a solicitors that he’s signed to say if we break up and I move out he’s to pay me back what I’ve paid towards his mortgage (he has plenty of savings so he’d be able to do this quickly)
I don't understand this.
If you stay tigether for say the next 10 years and then split your DO has to pay back everything you put in?
So you could have had somewhere to live for years and then get a load of money back if you split up for any reason?

Doesn't sound like you could afford to live together as your benefits will be affected by his salary and as all that goes on his lifestyle how will you live?

Thing is OP - you say you are a notoriously bad judge and even you have alarm bells ringing here.

People who drip feed you things they don't want you to know "bit by bit" that they "thought you knew about" are simply being dishonest.

I have seen friends get themselves stuck in relationships with people like this (both the debt and the dishonesty) and it leads to such head fuckery and misery for them.

PLEASE DON'T GO THERE.