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Cultural differences UK Playdates Recipricol behaviour Generosity Sikh

374 replies

Rightgirlwrongplanet1 · 03/06/2018 18:00

Please can you either validate by sharing examples of your own, or disprove my conclusions, about the ungenerous, unwelcome cultural attitudes of British, white people.

My background is Punjabi Sikh and I was born and brought up in the UK. I grew up watching my parents receiving and themselves being visitors.

My take on Sikh people is they were from traditional, humble backgrounds with jolly, warm, generous backgrounds. Sikhs in particular are known for their overly generous nature with a visit never missing offers of quantities of food.

(As a child, I remember guests would be offered anything we had in the cupboards. They only had to mention the word and it was on the table in front of them. The guest was king. The gesture was equally reciprocated when visiting a similar background. The unspoken understanding was we didn’t have much, but we shared what little we had. And offering food showed you cared- I digress).

Trips back to the motherland extended that concept to a greater extent with the people sometimes having the least, offering the most. It made me feel warm, welcome and humble.

In my experience of the UK, it is polar opposite. Whenever I have visited people from British background in their home, I have always been offered nothing.

My daughter once went on a playdate for 2 hours and upon collection, before her host, whined she was hungry and thirsty. The guest didn’t respond by offering a glass of water. Instead he invited us for more playdates the next day (presumably for the same treatment? Angry)
She later confirmed she had not been offered anything, not even a glass of water. The hosts were well within their means to offer a modest snack, let alone glass of water.

When I stayed for the first few minutes of the playdate, the host remained laying down on the sun lounger, drinking her own cup of tea Brew! This I could never do for fear of appearing rude.

As a mum, my natural nurturing instinct makes me offer a little girl who visited our house something to eat and drink. We had hosted 2 playdates previously and the mother saw for herself the generous amount of treats laid out, so it is sad this wasn’t reciprocated. I was not expecting equal but at least a (free) glass of water.

I visited someone from British background to pay condolences to someone who had died and I offered food, flowers Flowers and card. I stayed for an hour and not offered even a glass of water by relatives.

I have paid my British neighbours a visit and nothing, not even water. I paid three of my Gujrati neighbours a visit and offered home made food. My Turkish friends offered cake and home made food. At my party, the Arabs arrived flowing with food. I am so grateful and humbled that I reciprocate in good will feelings back to them.

Perhaps I am guilty of actively seeking out examples to reinforce my negative stereotype of white British English people. It is a small sample set but enough for me to make some generalisations.

Perhaps my comparison is unkind as the people who offer nothing have come from working class backgrounds and class plays a part in cultural manners.

I am moved to write this because the irony is that in the world where people are relatively wealthy compared to their third world counterparts, they display what I believe to be ungenerous, unwelcome (mean-spirited) behaviour.

We live in the south east of England - a region of disproportionate wealth in the UK. They have relatively much more in terms of disposable income yet cannot offer even a glass of water.

I know this is a controversial post and I expect it will upset the majority white British people who read this, interpreting racist connotations. It’s not- I’m only writing what I have experienced in real life.

(In gurdwaras, we serve langar which is blessed food for those who seek blessings from god- the giving and taking of food being so central to our lives- I digress).

OP posts:
stargirl1701 · 03/06/2018 18:07

Don't go to Edinburgh, OP.

You'll've hud yer tea...

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 03/06/2018 18:17

My dm is part Irish/part Russian/part Yorkshire but I was brought up to always have tray bakes on hand for random visitors, to always offer cups of tea and I can't imagine having a play date without snacks for the children/cake for the mums (ds is 3). Her dm (my Grandmother) is 96, registered blind and still bakes for visitors.

We live in Scotland (although further north than Edinburgh) at the moment and every play date we've been invited on has included drinks and a cake type thing for the adults plus juice and some sort of snack for the children.

My df died in March, my dm spent the night after he died baking cakes so she had something to distract herself with and something to offer people who came around with flowers/cards.

My MiL is from Northern Ireland. She won't let you out the house without cake and a cup of tea whether you want it or not.

Different people do different things.

lljkk · 03/06/2018 18:21

How old is your kid, OP? I would expect kids age 8+ to ask if they needed a glass of water, over 2 hours, is very quick, 50:50 if I'd offer any snacks or bev.

DS had mate with parents from Shanghai; they used to insist on giving DS big bags of biscuits & chocolates to bring home after each visit around theirs (in addition to feeding him plenty during visit). That was a cultural awkwardness for me.

Lordamighty · 03/06/2018 18:24

I am white British & we are generous hosts, no child would ever leave here unfed although my days of play dates are well over. Mind you we are northerners & stuffing guests with food & tea is what we do.

nightwispa · 03/06/2018 18:25

We're Punjabi but not Sikh and had the same expectations re: serving guests (who were a blessing by God) drummed into us as children. Every culture has their own version of what it means to be accommodating though so it's hard to make broad generalisations. I would take what you've experienced as a snapshot of the people whom you've directly dealt with only and leave it at that. So long as you're happy doing what you do, it doesn't matter if the other person doesn't reciprocate because you have your values and they have theirs.

Avoiding · 03/06/2018 18:33

i always offer food and drink when someone comes over, no matter if there only here for 2 minutes or 2 hours.
I have been to houses where I've been offered nothing and to houses where I've been offered lots. I'm white by the way.
I remember going over to a friends house when a teenager and her mum used to send the lot of us out to buy our own food from Morrison's which was next to her house.
we had to buy our own drinks and everything! she was just spectacularly tight.
But I agree, I've never gone to a South Asian or middle eastern persons house and not been offered anything, they're generally very very generous.

offside · 03/06/2018 18:36

I would actually second what someone touched on, maybe that’s more of a southern mentality than a White British mentality (also quite racist) as us northerners are well known for our welcoming hospitable generous attitude.

I would also take exception to your class description, I often find working class are a lot more generous. My mum is 1 of 16 and from a very poor very working class background and I too grew up on a council estate and I can say, and I’m sure most would agree, that many of those areas are usually communities of one big happy family, everyone helping everyone and open houses.

I find your post quite judgemental, racist and snobbish.

sugarnotsweetener · 03/06/2018 18:37

I’m white british from Yorkshire if I have friends over its tea/coffee and brunch or cake. For play dates I normally do sandwiches and snacks and drinks.
All houses I’ve visited do the same too so I think you’ve just had a bad experience.

Although I’ve never dropped round to my neighbours house so I can’t comment on that. We have lived here a year but at our previous house my neighbour (whose children were grown up adults) bought Easter eggs, Christmas and birthday gifts for my daughter. I used to give her chocolates and a card at Xmas but we didn’t go in one another’s houses.

With the grieving family I wouldn’t hold onto the fact you weren’t offered anything there since their minds were probably preoccupied.

offside · 03/06/2018 18:37

Oh, and FWIW, one of my white British best friends is married to a Sikh and I find him the most incredibly rude, controlling, offensive misogynist I’ve ever met - I would never dare tar all Sikhs with the same brush.

sugarnotsweetener · 03/06/2018 18:40

Also I do think your OP comes across as Punjabi Sikhs are better people. Maybe not intentional but that’s how you’re coming across.

Definitely think it’s just the people you’ve had dealings with though.

Onceuponatimethen · 03/06/2018 18:42

Offside I think you’ve misunderstood op - I think she’s saying they are relatively well off and yet aren’t welcoming/generous.

Op I’m also northern but have lived in the SE as a child - I honestly think this is a north / south thing in the UK to some extent. I’m amazed by people not offering drinks and snacks etc as I always would but it’s not how some have been brought up so they don’t see it as rude. Try to understand they aren’t trying to be rude and it is indeed cultural difference.

I have to say your play dates sound great - wish I could pop over Flowers

ChiaraRimini · 03/06/2018 18:42

I would always offer visitors tea/coffee or a cold drink but not food between meals because we all eat too much crap like cakes and biscuits which are not good for you.

katienana · 03/06/2018 18:44

I wonder if people are worried about offering you something the Sikh religion wouldn't permit you to eat? So they offer nothing to avoid causing any offence.
I think it's odd though I always offer at least a drink to tradesmen, for a social visit I would do food as well.

Avoiding · 03/06/2018 18:46

i agree with the North south thing, I'm a northerners and almost everyone has always offered something even if it's just a glass of water ( apart from the one friends mentioned earlier).

MrsDilligaf · 03/06/2018 18:48

OP...Anyone setting foot in my house is offered a cuppa practically before they've taken off their coat.

To mis-quote the John Lewis ad, visitors to Dilligaf Towers are "never knowingly underfed".

I think there is a cultural element at play but I also think that the vast majority of people are generous and welcoming to a fault.

Didiusfalco · 03/06/2018 18:49

My working class northern mum and gran would always offer food and that’s rubbed off on me, I always have something in for visitors. However my dietician friend says I’m a ‘feeder’ so that has made me reconsider a bit Blush

Hoppinggreen · 03/06/2018 18:51

You need to come North OP, nobody makes it out if our house without a cuppa and a biccy!
Also, you sound racist and classist.

custardlover · 03/06/2018 18:54

I'm white, in London although admittedly of Irish extraction (but second generation and have been born and brought up in London). I have never ever had a person in my home and not offered them tea, biscuits, wine, cake, dinner - whatever is appropriate for the time of day. And my sons have never gone on a playdate and not been given snacks and drinks. I think you have been incredibly unlucky and it sounds super weird to me. Cultures do approach food differently - I remember my mother went to my mother-in-laws for lunch and was shocked when the quiche was 'portioned out' (eg she said 'there's two slices each') as my mother's culture is to make sure that you over-cater so much that you never need to ever allude to an 'allocation' of food. But there was food! To offer nothing, not ever water, is just weird.

Gwenhwyfar · 03/06/2018 18:54

I don't have children, but as an adult I've NEVER gone to another British person's house and not been offered tea or coffee or a cold drink. I live in Wales, but know plenty of English people.
I think the tradition of always having cake or biscuits in in case you have a visitor is fading, at least among single people, but I'm always offered a drink and often biscuits too.

NC4Now · 03/06/2018 18:54

No-one sets foot in my house without being offered a brew. I’m in Lancashire. It’s how we do things up here.

WhoGetsHeard · 03/06/2018 18:56

Yes, it's nice to be offered a drink or something when at someone's house.

But you called in on neighbours who were recently bereaved, in order to express condolences, and then judged them and held a grudge when you found their hosting skills to be substandard in that moment of their lives?

For that alone, you sound like a deeply unpleasant person. No amount of treats or glasses of water compensates for 'hospitality' that's really about score-keeping and one-upping those you regard as inferior.

Who sounds like a nicer person? The person who welcomes his children's playmates over and doesn't think to feed and water them? Or the person who judges people harshly for a minor thoughtless transgression when they are in the midst of grieving? I'd rather do without a cup of tea from a host than do without basic empathy from a visitor, personally.

RedLily84 · 03/06/2018 19:02

I kind of get where you are coming from but you can’t you all White British people are like that.

Culturally yes - Arabs, Pakistanis, Indians, Turks etc are very generous. I’m from one of those backgrounds but married into a British family. I’ve often thought I do a lot more for them my husband’s relatives than they do for us. E.g it’s called ‘dhen lehan’ To give and take back. I seem to give a lot but get little back. E.g when I go meet a new baby I’ll give a gift but when they visit me I’ll give a gift too. My SIL of a white heritage gave me a photo frame and a cheap teddy. I’ve now learnt over time that with my relatives I will do the dhen lehan but I’ve learned that if I’m overly generous with my English family that they don’t reciprocate. It’s just cultural it’s not a good or bad thing.

In saying that I’m northern and my northern neighbours were always generous!

Omgineedanamechange · 03/06/2018 19:04

If this post had been about any other race or nationality the howls of racism would be reverberating off the walls.

No, OP, not all white British people are unwelcoming and ungenerous, in fact, they are all different, and you’ll find some people who are extremely unwelcoming, others who’ll not let you out the door tilll you’ve eaten every scrap of food in the house, and everything in between. HTH.

RedLily84 · 03/06/2018 19:05

Also it is common in Asian households to have lots of relatives come round and ‘help’ with the bereavement it’s these people that make the cups of tea not the bereaved. This is less common to have this open communal grieving and outpouring of grief in public. Grief in English society is still a relatively private thing - whereas in Asian culture it’s not. So you can compare

RedLily84 · 03/06/2018 19:07

Typos. You can’t compare the two. It’s not about people not being welcoming it’s the way they grieve. If anything when my dad died I wish I wasn’t opening the door to long lost relatives who had flown over from the four corners of the earth to pay their respects. Where were they when he was alive? What’s the point of coming to my house and wailing and drinking my tea!

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