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Cultural differences UK Playdates Recipricol behaviour Generosity Sikh

374 replies

Rightgirlwrongplanet1 · 03/06/2018 18:00

Please can you either validate by sharing examples of your own, or disprove my conclusions, about the ungenerous, unwelcome cultural attitudes of British, white people.

My background is Punjabi Sikh and I was born and brought up in the UK. I grew up watching my parents receiving and themselves being visitors.

My take on Sikh people is they were from traditional, humble backgrounds with jolly, warm, generous backgrounds. Sikhs in particular are known for their overly generous nature with a visit never missing offers of quantities of food.

(As a child, I remember guests would be offered anything we had in the cupboards. They only had to mention the word and it was on the table in front of them. The guest was king. The gesture was equally reciprocated when visiting a similar background. The unspoken understanding was we didn’t have much, but we shared what little we had. And offering food showed you cared- I digress).

Trips back to the motherland extended that concept to a greater extent with the people sometimes having the least, offering the most. It made me feel warm, welcome and humble.

In my experience of the UK, it is polar opposite. Whenever I have visited people from British background in their home, I have always been offered nothing.

My daughter once went on a playdate for 2 hours and upon collection, before her host, whined she was hungry and thirsty. The guest didn’t respond by offering a glass of water. Instead he invited us for more playdates the next day (presumably for the same treatment? Angry)
She later confirmed she had not been offered anything, not even a glass of water. The hosts were well within their means to offer a modest snack, let alone glass of water.

When I stayed for the first few minutes of the playdate, the host remained laying down on the sun lounger, drinking her own cup of tea Brew! This I could never do for fear of appearing rude.

As a mum, my natural nurturing instinct makes me offer a little girl who visited our house something to eat and drink. We had hosted 2 playdates previously and the mother saw for herself the generous amount of treats laid out, so it is sad this wasn’t reciprocated. I was not expecting equal but at least a (free) glass of water.

I visited someone from British background to pay condolences to someone who had died and I offered food, flowers Flowers and card. I stayed for an hour and not offered even a glass of water by relatives.

I have paid my British neighbours a visit and nothing, not even water. I paid three of my Gujrati neighbours a visit and offered home made food. My Turkish friends offered cake and home made food. At my party, the Arabs arrived flowing with food. I am so grateful and humbled that I reciprocate in good will feelings back to them.

Perhaps I am guilty of actively seeking out examples to reinforce my negative stereotype of white British English people. It is a small sample set but enough for me to make some generalisations.

Perhaps my comparison is unkind as the people who offer nothing have come from working class backgrounds and class plays a part in cultural manners.

I am moved to write this because the irony is that in the world where people are relatively wealthy compared to their third world counterparts, they display what I believe to be ungenerous, unwelcome (mean-spirited) behaviour.

We live in the south east of England - a region of disproportionate wealth in the UK. They have relatively much more in terms of disposable income yet cannot offer even a glass of water.

I know this is a controversial post and I expect it will upset the majority white British people who read this, interpreting racist connotations. It’s not- I’m only writing what I have experienced in real life.

(In gurdwaras, we serve langar which is blessed food for those who seek blessings from god- the giving and taking of food being so central to our lives- I digress).

OP posts:
uma43 · 03/06/2018 20:39

Op your post comes across as promoting your religion, doubt you needed to mention it in this way. Of course your looking for controversy and a reaction....

Can I ask you do you get invited back to dinners from your 'non-sikh' friends/colleagues ??? Do they invite you to their homes and feed you sweet nothings? Do you think all white brits are dry like this??

Don't mention colour/ religion/ class or creed. A person is responsible solely for their own actions. Not the actions of a whole nation.

I have to defend all the white British friends I have, I also happen to live In a leafy suburb of London. Have done for 15 years (i'm originally from Scotland too) I have friends of all colours and religions. If I don't get my dinner favour returned, I'll get taken out for dinner. I always get asked for food and drink. I've trained my neighbour's to be able to walk in my house without asking for a invite first. I learned the brits think it's rude to turn up unannounced....

I was bought up with my father always saying "Learn the best from both cultures" I have to suggest that to you too.

Please don't tarnish a whole nation with your one play date experience.

Cricrichan · 03/06/2018 20:43

I have kids over all the time. When they were little I'd make sure that they were fed and watered but now I let them be. They'll have snacks and meals with my kids if they're around then but I leave them to it otherwise.

BikeRunSki · 03/06/2018 20:48

My MiL is from Merseyside. There is no food at all between meals, and few drinks. I think this is largely habitual, having been brought up with rationing in a fairly low income family.

DM on this other hand is from the south coast, also grew up with rationing, but relatively affluent, and offers food and drink to everyone every 2 minutes.

I was born and raised in London, but have lived most of my adult life in Yorkshire, and offer everyone a hot drink, glass of water or juice. For play dates, fruit and biscuits usually. But always something.

WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam · 03/06/2018 21:02

I think you just got unlucky OP.

Amongst everyone I know, it’s the default to offer someone a drink when they pop round. I also offer a drink to anyone who has come to fix something even if they won’t be staying long.

I think in the situation you describe with the bereaved people, in future it would be best to hand over the card and flowers and then leave, or if they insist just stay for ten or so minutes unless they are asking you to stay longer. Most people newly bereaved don’t want a guest sat there for an hour.

I think you should teach your child how to politely ask for a drink or a snack if she’s hungry! It’s not complicated. Just to say to the host ‘excuse me, may I have a glass of water please?’. And send her to play dates with a couple of snacks in her bag so if she is hungry she can just eat her own food.

I do think you’re just happened to come across some unusual people, the vast vast majority of people in Britain do offer drinks to guests! Maybe not food as often, but definitely drinks.

WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam · 03/06/2018 21:03

PS unless I had a friend over specifically for dinner or they were here all day I wouldn’t think to offer food. I’d assume they had their own plans to eat. I might offer a snack but it wouldn’t be the first thing I thought of.

Mof3K · 03/06/2018 21:05

@superloudpoppingaction so white people can never say something is racist as they have " white privilege ". really???

MyAuntyBadger · 03/06/2018 21:06

In my experience if a white British person is unwelcoming, it's because you're not welcome.

findingmyfeet12 · 03/06/2018 21:09

How should we refer to "native?" Brits?

Is "white British" an unacceptable term?

stuckforagoodnickname · 03/06/2018 21:11

Your post sounded rude and unpleasant to me (and I'm not white). People host differently in different cultures. Food may play a huge part in Asian culture/customs, but it doesn't in others. Every culture is different and I think we should respect that, not judge others or look down on them because they do things differently.

Mof3K · 03/06/2018 21:13

But " native brits " are all colours. It's the fact she's only finding the "white brits "unwelcoming that sounds Hmm

findingmyfeet12 · 03/06/2018 21:16

I took it that she was describing Brits that are not second or third generation immigrants and have no strong influences from other cultures through parents or grandparents being immigrants.

That's why I put "native" in inverted commas. I can't think of another way to describe them. White is not the best description but I'm wondering what is the best description.

PhilODox · 03/06/2018 21:16

Maybe you've been unlucky, because your experience doesn't seem typical.
My children have always been fed on playdates, and they have friends from many different backgrounds as we live in a very multicultural area. They've never not been fed, unless it was just after a meal, for example. Likewise, we've always fed children that have come to us.

But I am wondering whether you struggle with your weight at all, because I do find it extremely hard to avoid being fed when visiting people from certain backgrounds/heritages- Indian in particular, who cannot accept you not eating something. If I made several social calls a week, I would be extremely overweight, as I have found some people take great offence at me politely declining food. (If I've just had a meal, for instance)

Sally2791 · 03/06/2018 21:17

I offer food and drink to allcomers.I would describe myself as white european of no particular religeon if that is relevant

PhilODox · 03/06/2018 21:19

Tbh, the snack element is something my children really like about playdates, as we don't snack between meals in our house... but I do allow snacks if friends come over!

Cheekyandfreaky · 03/06/2018 21:24

This is a really dodgy thread.

I come from the same ethnic background as you OP and I can list a number of things I prefer about white British culture as long as my arm. There are things of course I love about my own culture.

You sound really rude- who goes to someone’s home when they are suffering a bereavement and honestly gives a toss about being offered a cup of tea?!

My sister is really good at playing with her child, so is my cousin, but my friend Ruth isn’t bothered- does that now mean that all Punjabi Sikhs are great parents and white people aren’t?

I find it amazing that people aren’t being more angry towards you on this thread- I’m flabbergasted.

ChiefSpoon · 03/06/2018 21:30

White British here. Only time I didn't offer was 2 days post c section still suffering with pre eclampsia with a million visitors. I told them to help themselves though? I offer whatever I have, sometimes that's only a cup of tea other times a full meal.

findingmyfeet12 · 03/06/2018 21:32

I don't think it's terrible to point out cultural differences.

I think Punjabi's are more generous hosts when it comes to food and drink. I don't think this is necessarily a good or bad thing however. It's just different.

As for places of worship offering food to the poor, we have soup kitchens in the UK and food banks. The op forgets that the majority of people in the UK pay tax and much of this goes towards benefits for the disadvantaged.

A much lower percentage of the population pays tax in the Punjab and corruption rates are much higher. There is a greater need for religious establishments to feed the poor.

PuertoVallarta · 03/06/2018 21:56

I don't sit around eating between meals so I don't offer snacks to my visitors. I don't feel this is an indication of my generosity. It's just a cultural difference.

I will gladly pick up the tab when we go out. I am not cheap with presents. My friend and neighbors can call on me for help at any time of the day or night. I simply don't use serving unnecessary food and drink during the day as a way to express my generosity.

I don't want to eat things out of obligation when I visit someone, either.

It's just a cultural difference. OP, it is fine to observe and comment on this. Try to understand, though, that different cultures have different ways of expressing generosity.

RockinHippy · 03/06/2018 22:19

I think you've been incredibly unlucky as this really isn't the norm at all. Though as someone said upthread, I think this is a north/south divide thing. I'm a northerner living far south, I always offer snacks, drinks homemade cakes, even a meal if you turn up at mealtime. This is normal to me growing up in the North East & Yorkshire, but I agree, it isn't normal for all here in the south.

RockinHippy · 03/06/2018 22:19

I think you've been incredibly unlucky as this really isn't the norm at all. Though as someone said upthread, I think this is a north/south divide thing. I'm a northerner living far south, I always offer snacks, drinks homemade cakes, even a meal if you turn up at mealtime. This is normal to me growing up in the North East & Yorkshire, but I agree, it isn't normal for all here in the south.

OutsideContextProblem · 03/06/2018 22:20

Some white Brits can find the level of generosity expressed by other cultures excruciatingly embarrassing to the point of having to avoid those situations so it’s by no means an unarguably good thing. If you’re not good at fluid code changing (I’m terrible at it despite having a lot of friends and acquaintances of all cultures) it’s a real nightmare.

I think that a cup of tea or other drink would be a normal offering in most British homes - food outside of meal times is more variable.

Whether you feed children on a play date I think might be a micro-culture relative to that particular school - you find that very small areas build up their own norms relating to play dates, birthdays gifts for teachers etc which may be completely different to the norms in the area a mile or two away.

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 03/06/2018 22:23

mof3k white people are v welcome to point out actual racism. which involves an abuse of power. people from ethnic minorities do not have access to power over white people based on their ethnic background.

fascinated · 03/06/2018 22:36

Maybe the thread is fake aimed at stirring

Blushingm · 03/06/2018 22:49

I think you sound very judgemental and bordering on racist

Blushingm · 03/06/2018 22:49

I think you sound very judgemental and bordering on racist