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Cultural differences UK Playdates Recipricol behaviour Generosity Sikh

374 replies

Rightgirlwrongplanet1 · 03/06/2018 18:00

Please can you either validate by sharing examples of your own, or disprove my conclusions, about the ungenerous, unwelcome cultural attitudes of British, white people.

My background is Punjabi Sikh and I was born and brought up in the UK. I grew up watching my parents receiving and themselves being visitors.

My take on Sikh people is they were from traditional, humble backgrounds with jolly, warm, generous backgrounds. Sikhs in particular are known for their overly generous nature with a visit never missing offers of quantities of food.

(As a child, I remember guests would be offered anything we had in the cupboards. They only had to mention the word and it was on the table in front of them. The guest was king. The gesture was equally reciprocated when visiting a similar background. The unspoken understanding was we didn’t have much, but we shared what little we had. And offering food showed you cared- I digress).

Trips back to the motherland extended that concept to a greater extent with the people sometimes having the least, offering the most. It made me feel warm, welcome and humble.

In my experience of the UK, it is polar opposite. Whenever I have visited people from British background in their home, I have always been offered nothing.

My daughter once went on a playdate for 2 hours and upon collection, before her host, whined she was hungry and thirsty. The guest didn’t respond by offering a glass of water. Instead he invited us for more playdates the next day (presumably for the same treatment? Angry)
She later confirmed she had not been offered anything, not even a glass of water. The hosts were well within their means to offer a modest snack, let alone glass of water.

When I stayed for the first few minutes of the playdate, the host remained laying down on the sun lounger, drinking her own cup of tea Brew! This I could never do for fear of appearing rude.

As a mum, my natural nurturing instinct makes me offer a little girl who visited our house something to eat and drink. We had hosted 2 playdates previously and the mother saw for herself the generous amount of treats laid out, so it is sad this wasn’t reciprocated. I was not expecting equal but at least a (free) glass of water.

I visited someone from British background to pay condolences to someone who had died and I offered food, flowers Flowers and card. I stayed for an hour and not offered even a glass of water by relatives.

I have paid my British neighbours a visit and nothing, not even water. I paid three of my Gujrati neighbours a visit and offered home made food. My Turkish friends offered cake and home made food. At my party, the Arabs arrived flowing with food. I am so grateful and humbled that I reciprocate in good will feelings back to them.

Perhaps I am guilty of actively seeking out examples to reinforce my negative stereotype of white British English people. It is a small sample set but enough for me to make some generalisations.

Perhaps my comparison is unkind as the people who offer nothing have come from working class backgrounds and class plays a part in cultural manners.

I am moved to write this because the irony is that in the world where people are relatively wealthy compared to their third world counterparts, they display what I believe to be ungenerous, unwelcome (mean-spirited) behaviour.

We live in the south east of England - a region of disproportionate wealth in the UK. They have relatively much more in terms of disposable income yet cannot offer even a glass of water.

I know this is a controversial post and I expect it will upset the majority white British people who read this, interpreting racist connotations. It’s not- I’m only writing what I have experienced in real life.

(In gurdwaras, we serve langar which is blessed food for those who seek blessings from god- the giving and taking of food being so central to our lives- I digress).

OP posts:
willsa · 03/06/2018 22:58

To not offer food on short stays is not considered rude in UK. Not getting a drink is very unusual. I think it's time to learn about culture you are sharing, OP.

Rightgirlwrongplanet1 · 03/06/2018 23:18

@OutsideContextProblem "excruciatingly embarrassing"? Is this an exaggeration? I don't understand. All you have to do is decline politely. You're not being forced to eat food which they have purchased, transported, stored, possibly cooked and served before you as an act of kindness. I feel humbled and thankful for all their efforts, thoughts and sentiments behind their actions. Why embarrassed?

OP posts:
5LeafClover · 03/06/2018 23:20

Most play dates of my experience, the kids decide they are thirsty or hungry and turn up downstairs as a pair to ask or sort themselves out. If they are engrossed in a game I would offer a drink but wouldn't make a big fuss of it, if they said no would rather let them use their time to play. If mine were invited to come over and play I would check drop off and pick up time and arrive then, I wouldn't necessarily expect to do any tea drinking or chatting, ime people often say '...and we can catch up' ...which is very different to 'if you could pick up at 5 that would be great'. If I was picking my child up at an agreed time and they started asking for food or a drink I would be really embarrassed... would assume they had been playing as above and would say they could have something soon at home. In the case you describe, when the DD said she hadn't had a drink, if everything else was good I would have sent her with a water bottle next time... some kids drink less than others, might have been normal for the girls she was playing with.

findingmyfeet12 · 03/06/2018 23:22

Rightgirl you've answered your own question!

It's the very fact that they've gone to so much trouble that's embarrassing. It does put pressure on your guest to return the favour/kindness when you visit them. For someone who isn't used to that level of hosting, that's very daunting.

Rightgirlwrongplanet1 · 03/06/2018 23:25

findingmyfeet12 so if the guest feels daunted to return the favour, either because they can't or won't reciprocate, then they shouldn't accept your hospitality when they are a guest at yours

OP posts:
Rightgirlwrongplanet1 · 03/06/2018 23:25

@findingmyfeet12 what's so "daunting" about offering a biscuit, anyway?

OP posts:
scottishdiem · 03/06/2018 23:31

Careful OP, you are getting close to the phenonmenon known as white womens tears....

Anyway, I have to say that you've been unlucky with the people you've been to see. I mean, who cant even muster up some water? Mind you, given the vast array of allergies, conditions, health concerns, dietary requirements, and regimented dietary consumption that every single child has these days I would be concerned about offering any child a bite to eat without either rendering them unconscious and needing a trip to the hospital or prompting a 17 day long unable to sleep period thus making a lifelong enemy of said childs parent.

My DP is Zimbabwean and the hosting thing is prevalent as well. Always food and water offered. Often in large quantities.

findingmyfeet12 · 03/06/2018 23:32

I've already stated that offering refreshments isn't the norm in South Asian households. They just bring the food out and place it in front of you. I am South Asian by the way.

It's also been explained to you that offering a biscuit may not be the norm in another culture.

You're determined to label white British people as mean spirited though so go ahead.

offside · 03/06/2018 23:34

Maybe they just don’t like you. I can see why.

Rightgirlwrongplanet1 · 03/06/2018 23:34

@5LeafClover A good idea to send my child with a bottle of water.

If a guest dropped their child off with water, it would embarrass me because it suggests I am unable/unwilling to offer water, the most basic of hospitality.

OP posts:
findingmyfeet12 · 03/06/2018 23:35

It isn't excruciatingly embarrassing to be given a biscuit in any event and no one said it was.

The levels that some cultures go to to cater for guests is more than just a biscuit!

Turkkadin · 03/06/2018 23:38

My inlaws of 16 years are Turkish so I'm very familiar with Turkish hospitality and how a visitor to your home must be treated as a very special guest. Any visit to a Turkish house will involve being offered large amounts of food at any time of the day or night! Whether you like it or not you are going to get fed. It could range from a Turkish tea marathon with lots of nuts, sweets and fruit to a full blown dinner when you are least expecting it. It's very sweet but frequently overwhelming.
To an English person such as myself, I often wonder why they feel the need to be forcing food on anyone who steps foot over the front door?
It just isn't our way. If I visited someone's house and they didn't even think to offer a cup of tea then I would think they were thoughtless and not interested in appearing good mannered. It is always nice to offer refreshments to anyone who visits in my opinion.
I think British people are exceptionally generous. They just don't show it through food that's all.

findingmyfeet12 · 03/06/2018 23:42

I find it interesting that the cultures that pride themselves on their generosity to guests often originate from countries where corruption is highest and few people pay tax. I come from such a cultural background before anyone jumps down my throat.

I guess we all have our ways of ensuring our communities are looked after.

Turkkadin · 03/06/2018 23:45

Just because someone offers you food when you visit them doesn't guarantee they are a nice person.

Rightgirlwrongplanet1 · 03/06/2018 23:45

@Turkkadin thank you. So you acknowledge there is a difference between different cultures and it isn't racist of me to mention it.So if British people don't show their generosity with food, how else do you show it? Clothes? Gifts? Vegetables?! (I'm being rhetorical) Of course not. Food is a basic instinct and everyone loves it.

I would love to be the daughter-in-law to Turkish parents. My in-laws showered me with gifts when I got married. They continue to offer and I decline repeatedly and politely. It makes me feel so welcome into their family.

OP posts:
5LeafClover · 03/06/2018 23:50

They sleep have water bottles at school and are encouraged to drink on demand. I would assume that you just like to make sure that she drinks enough...would still offer stuff anyway...but it would mean that they can get on with the playing. Now I think of it, I have quite often sent mine round places with sweets or treats ' for sharing' as a sort of thank you for being invited...the play date equivalent of a bottle of wine!

TheHumanMothboy · 03/06/2018 23:50

Food is a basic instinct and everyone loves it
Well, no, some people don't really give a stuff about food one way or another- it's fuel, that's all.

I find cultures/families that express love only through food a little odd, tbh.

5LeafClover · 03/06/2018 23:51

*They all have

weehedgehog · 03/06/2018 23:52

Interesting response OP, and I mean interesting not in the usual way it tends to be understood in the UK.
I have just come back from a playdate with my son's African friend. I stayed. He was showered with snacks, icecream, yoghurt. I actually got a bit pissed off because it totally ruined his appetite for his actual dinner, and because I am trying to make sure he eats health. I won't be going back in a rush for that reason! I understand the mum wanted to be super hospitable and nice to my kid, but I'm fighting the junk on all ends...and despite me saying 1 yoghurt/icecream/etc several times, she insisted she wanted my son to be happy.

Smallhorse · 03/06/2018 23:53

"ungenerous, unwelcome cultural attitudes of British, white people"

I'm speechless

findingmyfeet12 · 03/06/2018 23:53

You're measuring everyone by the standards and norms of your own culture.

Food isn't a universal method of showing generosity.

Turkkadin · 03/06/2018 23:53

My husband has lived here for 15 years and has a business with a large customer base made up of mainly British people. We never fail to be surprised at their kindness. My husband says they are the most loyal people he has ever come across. They are also extremely generous and thoughtful to us and our children at Christmas, Easter etc.

Rightgirlwrongplanet1 · 03/06/2018 23:53

@5LeafClover I did the same. I sent child with sweets. More fool me for being generous. I was not expecting equal but at least some water! I think I have to turn off the generosity tap for certain individuals. I feel very mean-spirited about it but if that is the culture that prevails then I better blend in.

OP posts:
PhilODox · 03/06/2018 23:54

I'm sorry, I always send my youngest child with a water bottle, as he doesn't drink anything else, but without exception his friends all drink juice, smoothies, squash all the time, and he's too shy to ask for just water. If he has his water bottle, he's way less stressed- it's not a judgement on the host, it's meetiny child's needs.

Loandbeholdagain · 04/06/2018 00:03

I think you are right that the culture of food is different. Visiting family friends abroad I’m always suprised how much food is offered.

But I think your examples of white British people are very unusual. If I had someone round for a play date the kids would be offered carrot sticks/humus, yoghurt, fruit or something of that type. Obviously if over a meal time they’d be offered a meal. Parent if staying would be offered tea and a biscuit.

If you came unexpectedly while I was grieving to be honest I might not offer you anything. I only usually offer drink/food to unexpected visitors if I want and have time for them to stay.