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Cultural differences UK Playdates Recipricol behaviour Generosity Sikh

374 replies

Rightgirlwrongplanet1 · 03/06/2018 18:00

Please can you either validate by sharing examples of your own, or disprove my conclusions, about the ungenerous, unwelcome cultural attitudes of British, white people.

My background is Punjabi Sikh and I was born and brought up in the UK. I grew up watching my parents receiving and themselves being visitors.

My take on Sikh people is they were from traditional, humble backgrounds with jolly, warm, generous backgrounds. Sikhs in particular are known for their overly generous nature with a visit never missing offers of quantities of food.

(As a child, I remember guests would be offered anything we had in the cupboards. They only had to mention the word and it was on the table in front of them. The guest was king. The gesture was equally reciprocated when visiting a similar background. The unspoken understanding was we didn’t have much, but we shared what little we had. And offering food showed you cared- I digress).

Trips back to the motherland extended that concept to a greater extent with the people sometimes having the least, offering the most. It made me feel warm, welcome and humble.

In my experience of the UK, it is polar opposite. Whenever I have visited people from British background in their home, I have always been offered nothing.

My daughter once went on a playdate for 2 hours and upon collection, before her host, whined she was hungry and thirsty. The guest didn’t respond by offering a glass of water. Instead he invited us for more playdates the next day (presumably for the same treatment? Angry)
She later confirmed she had not been offered anything, not even a glass of water. The hosts were well within their means to offer a modest snack, let alone glass of water.

When I stayed for the first few minutes of the playdate, the host remained laying down on the sun lounger, drinking her own cup of tea Brew! This I could never do for fear of appearing rude.

As a mum, my natural nurturing instinct makes me offer a little girl who visited our house something to eat and drink. We had hosted 2 playdates previously and the mother saw for herself the generous amount of treats laid out, so it is sad this wasn’t reciprocated. I was not expecting equal but at least a (free) glass of water.

I visited someone from British background to pay condolences to someone who had died and I offered food, flowers Flowers and card. I stayed for an hour and not offered even a glass of water by relatives.

I have paid my British neighbours a visit and nothing, not even water. I paid three of my Gujrati neighbours a visit and offered home made food. My Turkish friends offered cake and home made food. At my party, the Arabs arrived flowing with food. I am so grateful and humbled that I reciprocate in good will feelings back to them.

Perhaps I am guilty of actively seeking out examples to reinforce my negative stereotype of white British English people. It is a small sample set but enough for me to make some generalisations.

Perhaps my comparison is unkind as the people who offer nothing have come from working class backgrounds and class plays a part in cultural manners.

I am moved to write this because the irony is that in the world where people are relatively wealthy compared to their third world counterparts, they display what I believe to be ungenerous, unwelcome (mean-spirited) behaviour.

We live in the south east of England - a region of disproportionate wealth in the UK. They have relatively much more in terms of disposable income yet cannot offer even a glass of water.

I know this is a controversial post and I expect it will upset the majority white British people who read this, interpreting racist connotations. It’s not- I’m only writing what I have experienced in real life.

(In gurdwaras, we serve langar which is blessed food for those who seek blessings from god- the giving and taking of food being so central to our lives- I digress).

OP posts:
midnightmisssuki · 04/06/2018 22:30

We are london - and we are very generous hosts thank you. Don't generalise just because you've had a few bad experiences please. Its unfair. I have had many experiences with all sorts of people, i would never dare to generalise, even if i found it 'different'. I find that rude and quite crass.

French2019 · 04/06/2018 22:56

Good post, sadguru

SparkwoodAnd21 · 04/06/2018 23:02

@TheresSomebodyAtTheDoor I had someone like that. They ate all the cake and all the biscuits too, and drank all Daddy’s beer. I couldn’t even have a bath after the fucker drank all the water in the tap.

BettyBaggins · 04/06/2018 23:28

The only reason I w nt offer a drink is if I am in a rush or dont want someone to stay.

You are rude, overbearing and quite likely, a troll.

PrimalLass · 05/06/2018 09:18

the hospitality thing in Punjabi sikhs for the most part is just to show off

I said this ^^ but the OP ignored it. Over the top hospitality might be kind and generous from one side, but feels cringey and excessive to me.

sashh · 05/06/2018 10:14

WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam

Hull? Well maybe there is a Lincolnshire influence.

Next time you food shop get some fruitcake and some Wensledale, it is a match made in heaven Yorkshire which is better than heaven

Mintychoc1 · 05/06/2018 10:24

OP I suspect the reason you aren’t offered food is more to do with your personality than your (or the host’s) ethnic background. You sound nasty and racist, and I certainly wouldn’t be doing anything that would lead to having to spend longer in your company. And parking yourself at the house of a bereaved family for an hour - then being aggrieved that they didn’t offer you a drink - is the height of rudeness.

There are nice and nasty people in all cultures, polite and rude people too - and generalising as you have done is racist.

I’m annoyed this thread is still here. I reported it for racism. If the OP was white British and had posted saying “I find all black African women selfish and lazy”, the thread would be removed and the poster would be banned. It’s these double standards that have unfortunately allowed groups like the BNP to thrive.

scottishdiem · 05/06/2018 11:53

I’m annoyed this thread is still here. I reported it for racism.

Seriously.....

The language may be imprecise and sweeping but a minority discussing observed cultural habits of the majority isnt racisim.

Cultural differences  UK Playdates Recipricol behaviour Generosity Sikh
trixiebelden77 · 05/06/2018 12:30

I can’t imagine visiting the home of someone who has lost a loved one and criticising them for not serving me a drink.

There is nothing nurturing or generous about that. It’s truly awful behaviour.

TrollHunterGeneral · 05/06/2018 12:49

I was going to write a long post about my house always been open to visitors, how my kitchen table is rarely without a guest sat at it, blah blah blah.

But after reading the thread, I see it is pointless.

You have displayed through your posts that generosity is not your nature. You can fool yourself all you want, with your conceived shows of generosity. But people see through that.

This is not a cultural thing.

VintageVelvet · 05/06/2018 13:05

I am very familiar with some of the cultures mentioned by the OP - flagged up as superior on account of how much food and drink they lay on. I have found it to be excessive and crass on many occasion, not to mentioned rude insisting someone eats a plate of food when they don't want to.

What I have long observed is that it has very very little to do with the guest and almost all to do with the hosts and how they appear to the outside world. In small doses it is charming, and does throw a light on different cultural practices and customs. But that is all it is. Likewise, I have also noted how the vulnerable are often treated in such societies, whereas in general the UK and her people are far kinder on so many other meaningful levels.

OP, you haven't done yourself any favours here, your superiority complex is in overdrive.

Blueisland · 05/06/2018 13:19

I think food and hospitality is possibly a little different for white British families. I come from a multicultural background but my husband is about as white English as they come. Everyone who visits our home and his (white English) family’s home is always offered something to drink on arrival. We don’t usually offer food outside of mealtimes unless it is a more formal, planned visit. I would always offer lunch to children if that coincides with a visit but I’d also check in with the parent first about eating times.

But I wouldn’t ordinarily offer lots of snacks to a child if it isn’t mealtime and I wouldn’t want the same for my child either. In my experience feeding (to excess) is more important in poorer countries where having fat children is seen as a sign of prestige, etc. In our culture it is the opposite and offering copious amounts of (unhealthy) food would be frowned upon. My (not British) grandmother was constantly feeding any visitors in her home, but she came from poverty.

Please be careful not to equate cultural differences with rudeness. Food may not be as important in white English culture but there is no malice or unkindness in that. It is just different.

findingmyfeet12 · 05/06/2018 13:58

Is there an issue with the term "white British"?

Is there a more acceptable term?

ferrier · 05/06/2018 14:06

I'd pretty much always offer a drink. For children probably a small snack too depending on how long they're staying. Usually our playdates involved staying for tea anyway.
I'd be unlikely to offer any form of snack to adult visitors because I don't have snacks in the house as a rule and there's no way I'm making traybakes, cakes or anything similar except for special occasions.
As a culture, we need to get away from constant snacking.

PosyFossilsShoes · 05/06/2018 14:34

I find this really fascinating @rightgirlwrongplanet1 and I don't think the question was racist. We do all have different cultural traditions. I've been to my local gurdwara and eaten there and they were very welcoming.

I am aware of other cultures tending to offer more than squash / cuppa and a biscuit so if we host a playdate I'll put out fruit / crisps / oven snacks and tell people to help themselves.

However I do feel awkward at someone else's home about politely declining an express offer rather than a "help yourself" - I think because it was drummed into me as a child that if someone offers you something directly, you say thank you and take it, even if it is something you don't much like. Those pink wafer biscuits were popular snacks in the 80s and I thought they tasted like paper! That rule is fine if you are being offered one pink wafer biscuit and a cup of tea, but if you are having snacks pressed on you - OP what are the cultural rules about declining? Several of the other mums in DD's friendship group are from generous cultures and I find it really awkward to know how to say no thanks without appearing to reject their hospitality in a way which would be construed as ungrateful by some my gran here (ie a direct "that's really kind, but no thank you.")

Dowser · 05/06/2018 14:52

You will always get offered ge coffee and biscuits in my house

EmpressOfSpartacus · 05/06/2018 16:15

OP what are the cultural rules about declining?

That's what I was wondering. When I visit or host friends it's nearly always for a planned meal anyway, but if I visited someone when I wasn't expecting to eat (so probably not hungry), and found that they'd prepared loads of food, I'd feel very awkward about refusing. Whether I liked the food on offer or not.

Mintychoc1 · 05/06/2018 16:31

Racism is prejudice, discrimination or antagonism directed against someone of a different race based on the belief that one’s own race is superior.

It’s nothing to do with minorities and majorities.

The original post is racist.

findingmyfeet12 · 05/06/2018 16:51

I think the ops attitude is quite superior which hasn't helped her case.

I do agree with her that the levels of refreshment offered by the different cultures is vastly different. That's become evident in the thread. Quite a few people saying they only offer drinks and quite a few saying drinks and biscuits. Most South Asians would offer more, even to unexpected guests.

The op's mistake (in my opinion) is her failure to recognise that this is the norm in Britain and therefore most definitely not unkind or mean spirited. Being offered just a cup of tea wouldn't cause raised eyebrows in a Brit.

Typeractive · 05/06/2018 17:33

The original post is racist.

Nonsense.

We're all entitled to discuss our culture and that of others.

FloraFox · 05/06/2018 17:48

The OP has said four times that she has felt humbled or deeply humbled when offered hospitality but has shown anything but a humble attitude in her posts.

OP what's the connection between being offered a biscuit and feeling humbled?

Mintychoc1 · 05/06/2018 18:05

OP says that white British people display ungenerous, unwelcome (mean spirited) behaviour. How is that not racist?

AsAProfessionalFekko · 05/06/2018 18:28

While technically not racist, it is bigoted and gobshitey

Mintychoc1 · 05/06/2018 19:10

Can someone explain how it isn’t racist?

If I said “black people are generally lazy and rude”, is that racist?

Quartz2208 · 05/06/2018 19:29

It is racist though it shows one as superior to the other whilst making sweeping generalisations