DP went to a strip club on a stag do, and I'm like "this is over"

[OhYikesThisIsBad]

So DP [of c.5 years] went to European resort stag do last weekend. I'll be honest: I was fretful, but assumed he has aligned views on women cavorting for men's pleasure.

For context: we're chums with bride and groom, the wedding's fairly soon. DP and I haven't seen each other til tonight, through work travel.

He announces tonight, as we begin our third drink, "yes well there was a strip club".

Apparently he and another chum "went along with everyone" and sat at the bar because they felt "uncomfortable". The groom had a dance "but paid for by someone else!". I asked: DP thinks the bride and groom should still get married.

I'm very very sad, very angry, have told him this is a no go, relationship ender, etc. I loathe strip clubs.

Dunno what i want really - possibly someone to say "no you're wrong, he's a good lad", "he only went along with the crowd". Maybe a hand hold. Is there any way back from this? I was really looking forward to this bank hol. #fuckssake

Sorry strip clubs are deal breakers for me too. Sorry you are going through this.

Is he otherwise a good partner? Do you think he would go again, and does he understand why you object to them? If so, is there no way of a giving him a chance?

Why are you upset? (That is not meant as abrupt as it sounds)

Have you ever had a discussion about this prior to the stag?

Oh goodness it was a stag do . It's not like he goes regularly is it ?

I wouldn’t end an otherwise good relationship over this. If it is good, that is.

Claiming he went along with the crowd as some sort of cop out is pathetic.

If you’re going to do it, for goodness own it like a grown up.

My ex went oh loads of stag dos over a couple of years, everyone was getting hitched. Some of them included a strop club and he hated them so never went. He and another couple of the guys who didn’t fancy it went for a pint somewhere else and met up with the larger group afterwards. I wouldn’t, at the time, have minded that much if he had gone. But he didn’t like them and wouldn’t have set foot in one due to peer pressure. They’re all adults. It’s the wussy excusing of it that would piss me right off.

I don't see why this should be a relationship ender. Maybe if he'd actually had a dance, I could understand your reaction. Also, he was honest and told you straight away, he could have kept it from you.
I know these types of places are a massive no-go for some women. personally I don't think I'd be too bothered but each to their own.
Were you clear you didn't want him going somewhere like that before he went? Did you explain it would be bad enough to end the relationship? If so, then I guess he only has himself to blame.

Thanks both.

He is normally - he's great. And he's very supportive of my feminist gubbins - I mostly hang out on FWR, am under a name change.

But the whole "YOU REALISE WOMEN ARE TRAFFICKED TO GET THEIR FANNIES OUT FOR UR MATES PLEASURE" was apparently news.

And i thought he thought stripping was AWFUL.

And the fact he thinks it's ok for our (male) mate to have a "private dance" and still get married to our (woman) mate, is just... i dunno.

I couldn’t get her up about this. I think you are being harsh.

These women may well enjoy the job and the pay that goes with it?

Het not her

The issue I would have is that these European stag do resorts. Which cater for ‘Brits abroad stags’. They are more of a brothel/sex show thing than ‘just strip clubs’. The stuff that goes on wouldn’t legally be allowed here.

It would be a finisher for me.

Wouldn’t bother me in the slightest. But if it’s a deal breaker for you then you’ll obviously have to end the relationship,

"I thought", "I assumed"

Missed posts - I'm upset because i spend lots of time railing about women being viewed as sexual ornaments.

I do feminist campaigning, i guess.

I'm astonished he thinks having a private dance is not great, but kinda ok.

He didn't tell me immediately (this was last weekend)

Thanks for range of views

Probably best if you end this 5-year relationship OP - clearly you won't last the course with him if this is how you deal with conflict resolution.

I thought based on discussions we'd had about... stripping.

I backed away from laying down the law "if you go to a strip club i will dump you" because i dunno, he's not a child.

Does he understand the issues with it now? What do you think he would do in the same situation if it were to come up again?

OP - first of - did you just ASSUME (as you said) that you were aligned on strip clubs? Or did you ever actually explicitly discuss that?
I presume - given that he mentioned it to you - that he didn’t know what you felt like about them.

Has the 5 year relationship been happy otherwise?

So - yes, I think you are massively overreacting. He can’t be expected to read your mind. And it’s not this black/white for many people.

What specifically are you so upset about? You do know he has seen other naked women, other than you.
And more naked women are a click away on his phone, computer, etc.
And now that it’s summer - women are walking around him in slinky dresses, with body parts clearly visible under those, or under clingy tshirts....
Yet - he manages to control himself and not follow them.
He is with you.

But - if your relationship is unhappy - end it. You don’t need an excuse

Wouldn’t bother me to be honest.

Not an issue for me and no I wouldn't break up a otherwise happy relationship over this

I think you're massively overreacting too.

Men will always look at women and feel some sort of desire

You can fight that if you want but it’s innate and you will never succeed

I don’t think in any relationship it is right or fair that you force someone into your way of thinking

He may respect your views but he does not have to share them

If you've done 5 years don't break up over this.