DP went to a strip club on a stag do, and I'm like "this is over"

[OhYikesThisIsBad]

So DP [of c.5 years] went to European resort stag do last weekend. I'll be honest: I was fretful, but assumed he has aligned views on women cavorting for men's pleasure.

For context: we're chums with bride and groom, the wedding's fairly soon. DP and I haven't seen each other til tonight, through work travel.

He announces tonight, as we begin our third drink, "yes well there was a strip club".

Apparently he and another chum "went along with everyone" and sat at the bar because they felt "uncomfortable". The groom had a dance "but paid for by someone else!". I asked: DP thinks the bride and groom should still get married.

I'm very very sad, very angry, have told him this is a no go, relationship ender, etc. I loathe strip clubs.

Dunno what i want really - possibly someone to say "no you're wrong, he's a good lad", "he only went along with the crowd". Maybe a hand hold. Is there any way back from this? I was really looking forward to this bank hol. #fuckssake

I think retrospectively expecting him to have left the party just because you don't like the club borders on controlling,

I suspect the OP doesn't expect him to have left the party because she doesn't like the club.

I suspect she would have liked him to have enough integrity to not go in the club because he knows it's wrong.

Nothing to do with her.

It's his values, attitudes and approach to life and women, which has dismayed her.

Doesn't bother me , OH went to one on a stag do with about 30 friends. I knew before they went that they planned to do this, I trusted him to only look and not do anything else. No way was I going to make him look like a twat and say he couldn't go. Likewise he wouldn't forbid me either, think you're being OTT

Did he tip well? The amount of respect he showed the sex worker would be the deal breaker for me here.

Jacqueline Frances, a stripper, has a very interesting perspective on sex work and has changed the way I view strip clubs very much.

I recommend reading her blog. I don't necessarily agree with her, but he perspective is insightful. jacqthestripper.squarespace.com/home

Oh you lot! I want to argue with the half of you I disagree with but (on this one occasion) I guess I'm not posting on MN to change minds.

Am just really sad, particularly as I was anxious one night he was away. "Nah, he'd not do that" I thought.

btw apols for terrible spelling upthread.

to us - especially Gapaca

I can't see many men saying in that situation "I'm not going in my dp won't like it i will wait out here"

Why do so few women expect men to treat women as human because women are human, not because their dp wouldn't like it if they didn't?

Oh wait. It's because it's unreasonable to expect men to think of women as human isn't it?

Sorry, my bad. I keep forgetting that its unreasonable and unrealistic to expect men to know women are human.

I’d be shocked if a stag do didn’t end up in the strip club tbh.

In my job I have one on one sessions with clients where they speak very frankly and honestly, and a great deal of men tell me that their stag do’s and lads holidays quite often end up in a brothel or a massage parlour. I’m pretty sure their partners have no idea too. A strip club in most men’s minds is relatively tame, even if they don’t personally enjoy frequenting them.

Lydia - projecting all of your “I hate men/men are all pigs” bile onto the OP isn’t particularly helpful.

My ex ended up having sex with both of them, in a variety of positions, in front of about 60 cheering men. He called it his "proudest ever bloke moment"

Fucking hell Gacapa that is majorly Eww! Who even does that? I just can't wrap my brain around it at all. I'd never want women to watch me having sex.

Doing something which makes him uncomfortable for a friend is not the same as if he'd had a private dance or went around campaigning for more strip clubs.

Sorry but this has made me laugh slight hysteria

Well there was a strip club... and you should also know I've decided to dedicate my life to campaigning for more strip clubs

Some people are spectacularly missing the point.
No, the Op isn't jealous. No, the Op isn't worried about her DO being sexually attracted to other women.
Yes, the Op feels devastated that her DP participated in something she finds morally repugnant. And yes the Op is trying to work out how to move forward with someone who she thought (reasonably enough) shared her views on women being used as sexual objects, very often against their will.
To all the posts who read "trafficked women" and equated it with "women in bikinis "etc give your fucking heads a wobble. And "flaunting their bits"??? Do you write for the fucking Express? Jeez Louise.
I bloody despair.
Op, I'm sorry if I have misrepresented you in this post. I would feel the same in your position. I'm sorry this happened.

I agree with Lydia FWIW and I'm not noticing any man hatred, unless assuming that women are human is man-hatred

Oh lawks.

What a stupid fucking fucker of a fuckwit. I'm very cross.

It amazes me that men and women so readily accept that women “want” to strip. The vast majority are forced into it. Especially in some seedy European club. I’ve worked with victims of trafficking and if you heard some of their stories you wouldn’t speak to anyone that would set foot in one of these places.

I totally get why OP was upset. Her DP isn’t the man she thought he was. OP, you know him, we don’t. You know the man he is and whether this was a mistake or a a potential issue. Do what you feel is right for you.

I'm so shocked that so many people think it's OK. Just shows how ingrained it is in our society that women are there for men's sexual gratification.
I have ended a relationship over this (it was one of many factors though). When you see the world through a feminist lens, strip clubs just aren't OK. Not in any sense. Commodification of women. Trafficking. Not seeing women as human. The impact of Increased assault around the areas. The feeding into the view of women as there for the male gaze.
I get you. And I would feel as you do. And I'd lose respect for my partner if he did that. Whether or not I'd end it would depend on other things too, but when my ex did it, it broke how I saw him

Thanks Hoof

Lydia is spot on, I'm shocked by the number of people who don't get why the OP is upset, Jealousy? jeeesus

And ridiculoussingle

TBH, what goes on at somebody else’s stag do is non of your business. If you or your DP don’t like it then both of you stay away. Oh and don’t go to the wedding, They would not want you to be sneering at the rest of the wedding party because YOU didn’t agree with the stag venue.

If I was your DP I would seriously consider ending this relationship as you sound like a trouble maker.

Great posts AskAuntLydia.

Raisinshoes "I’d be shocked if a stag do didn’t end up in the strip club tbh." I think you are easily shocked.

"A strip club in most men’s minds is relatively tame, even if they don’t personally enjoy frequenting them." So if they don't enjoy them why do they go? Is it because they don't have the integrity to say 'I don't enjoy them/I find this offensive/women are people and I don't like seeing people humiliated... or whatever."

haha nice one cherry, shhh woman, stop causing trouble

I've been to a strip club a couple of years ago and had dances. I'm female. Had a good chat with several of the girls about their lives and why they do it afterwards. Some had regular jobs but made much more by doing this on the side. All of them were lovely and intelligent and choosing to be there. They were also well protected. A guy got thrown out while I was there by security. He was being arrogant and argumentative and so out he went.

It's not something I'd make a habit of but I did it and enjoyed it. It wouldn't be a deal breaker for me if a partner did it. It really isn't that sexual. There are rules and boundaries and the women have a lot of control of the situation.

Horses for courses but if you don't want this to end your relationship then it needn't do. I'll probably get flamed for this but I consider myself to still be a good feminist having been there.

Yep, it's when you see the world through feminist eyes that these things are of enormous significance. I totally get it, OP.

"Lydia - projecting all of your “I hate men/men are all pigs” bile onto the OP isn’t particularly helpful."

What a ridiculous thing to say.

It's not me who thinks all men are pigs. It's all the twats here who are posting that all men do this, it's normal behaviour, women shouldn't expect any better etc.

If I were saying that, then I'd be the one who hated men and thought they were all pigs, wouldn't I?

It's because I don't think they are, that I think this is unacceptable. If I thought all men were like this, I'd simply advise everyone to be a lesbian or be celibate. I don't advise that, precisely because I think there are some men who are not twats.

Unfortunately many people on this thread, don't know those men.

I pity them.

Ah look at all the cool wives gathering to tell op she must be jealous.

And storm, thank you.

Cherry I am a trouble maker! And proudly so.

Although appaz with a (STBX?)DP who does not share me values.

As I SAID QUITE LOUDLY earlier to DP, I had another friend whose DP went on holidays with his mates who played golf and shagged prostitutes. She believed that her then DP sat quietly at the bar, mildly out of sorts, while they went off to the brothels. She does not believe that now.

Why should i bother believing that my (ex?) DP only sat at the side?

This would be a deal breaker for me too op. I would have absolutely no respect for dh if he visited a strip club, so I don’t think I could stay with him, he would have to to some very deep thinking and be truly ashamed before I would consider it. Men who buy access to women’s bodies have no respect for women. I don’t buy the “its only a bit of fun “ thing one iota.
In your case only you know if it is worth giving him a second chance. I completely understand how you feel.