DP went to a strip club on a stag do, and I'm like "this is over"

[OhYikesThisIsBad]

So DP [of c.5 years] went to European resort stag do last weekend. I'll be honest: I was fretful, but assumed he has aligned views on women cavorting for men's pleasure.

For context: we're chums with bride and groom, the wedding's fairly soon. DP and I haven't seen each other til tonight, through work travel.

He announces tonight, as we begin our third drink, "yes well there was a strip club".

Apparently he and another chum "went along with everyone" and sat at the bar because they felt "uncomfortable". The groom had a dance "but paid for by someone else!". I asked: DP thinks the bride and groom should still get married.

I'm very very sad, very angry, have told him this is a no go, relationship ender, etc. I loathe strip clubs.

Dunno what i want really - possibly someone to say "no you're wrong, he's a good lad", "he only went along with the crowd". Maybe a hand hold. Is there any way back from this? I was really looking forward to this bank hol. #fuckssake

@Puttingthefootdown

Of course - there isn’t anything wrong with jealousy. It’s a natural feeling.
But here on MN it requires a special bravery to admit to it.

Apparently - you shouldn’t be jealous, but instead, should be concerned about the owners of the said body parts.

I agree MMmomDD

If I found out that my DH had another woman's tits in his face, my first thought feeling would be inadequacy, as she'd likely be 20 years younger than me, and with a much better body. My first thought would not be whether she had been coerced in to that role. I would think of that later, and use that as a stick to beat him with. But only because I've read about this stuff on MN.

Most people don't have a clue, that the women might not be there by choice.

To be honest I would have less issue with this than partners/husbands using porn 4/5 times a week behind wives backs . It tends to be a bit of a one off and usually involves booze, the other is done usually sober and repeated very frequently and is an’active choice’ not ‘going along with others present’

My problem with it is not jealousy, or personal concern for those who put their body parts on show (per se). I struggle to understand or respect people who think it's ok to take part in an activity that is so primal and yet so disconnected, it debases women (or men) who get paid to dance/grind intimately with strangers. This is harmful to our society. How can women be equal if as a whole, the majority of people think it's ok that "most men" are capable of happily using another human being's body parts for titillation without considering that person as someone's daughter, sister, mother or wife. It's crude, basic and disgusting. That is a person there in front of you, just the fact that anyone can have such a mental disconnect from their groin that they think it's cool to actively seek arousal without any consideration of who this person is and who you are to this person, but just because it's paid for, utterly baffles me. I think we need to strive to be more advanced than this if we ever hope to achieve gender equality.

Honestly women who think their boyfriends/husbands etc don't go to stripclubs on stag dos are a tad deluded. Sure SOME men really don't but the majority do, just give the man a break unless he actually cheated! Some people have real issues in a relationship or have lost their partners so if you have an otherwise good partner you should count yourself lucky!

That's a depressingly low view of men, LazyName.

Excellent post @SuffragetteCity

Just because "most men do" and he "didn't cheat" does not make it morally ok for us women as a whole. If more people had the courage to say it's not ok, and a really self-indulgent unintelligent thing to do, then maybe the peer pressure to go along with it wouldn't be so prevalent for men or women .

If he sat at the bar as he claims then I wouldn't have a problem with that. Watching stripping I'm fine with, lap dancers are a big no no and my DH knows this. His mates tried to take him to a strip club on his stag do many moons ago. He came home before they left to the club as he knew they would pay for him to have a dance and that would jeopardise our future marriage.

@Huskylover1 "If I found out that my DH had another woman's tits in his face, my first thought feeling would be inadequacy, as she'd likely be 20 years younger than me, and with a much better body."

I really hope you would not feel inadequacy at the fact another woman was younger than you. As I age I realise that there are many women younger and more beautiful than me, but I don't want my sense of self worth to come from my age or physical beauty because really it's a forgone conclusion I will increasingly age and lose my looks!

There is nothing wrong with feelong jealous. It's a normal emotion. It's how one handles it that counts.

Some of us don't feel particularly jealous. It's just how we are but maybe if my husband gave me cause to feel jealous, I really would be a green-eyed tiger!

When discussing sex work many of us really are thinking of this from the point of the women involved in the 'industry'.

Honestly women who think their boyfriends/husbands etc don't go to stripclubs on stag dos are a tad deluded. Sure SOME men really don't but the majority do

It might be normal in your experience, but honestly, it's not for many people. It's really, really not. People aren't 'deluded' because they have a different life experience to you.

just give the man a break unless he actually cheated!

Right. Let's not set the bar too high, eh?

I just can never get my head around on these posts why women not wanting another women tits and Fanny in her dhs face is wrong in anyway ?

Perhaps il get mine out tommrow for Dave in finance and see how well that goes down with everyone

clumsyduck - exactly that. If your partner got drunk and asked a woman to get her tits out and grind on his lap would you stay with him? How does the fact that he had to pay money for it make it ok?

The assumptions that strip clubs in Eastern Europe are the same as the UK ones being described here are ill founded. Just recently I overheard a conversation from a stag saying he was going to Prague as the strip clubs are "hands on". There are plenty of stag do websites targeting these countries for this reason. One even says the strippers go completely naked, guaranteed. How lovely.

Eughh , gross . imagine that being the way to celebrate your upcoming wedding eh moomin

Not for me at all that .

I honestly think as women we should demand more respect . I couldn't care less if I get called frigid , naive , blah blah , I am neither of those things , far from it but I'd rather be single than put up with bullshit ( my past experiences of sub par men have in part led me here though in fairness )

And agree - money makes it ok somehow ? but if it was a random woman from work that would be cheating ? The mind boggles !!

Totally 👍 with the suffragette.

Op if he is generally a lovely man etc... Don't sweat this...

Exactly ladies..
To all (well most) above!

That's my whole point. When did it become normal to allow your partner to pay for sex work?

It's not normal! The only reason they do it is because too many women are "cool with it"

No sir, not me! Im certianly not deluded for expecting respect. Not all men do it. That view comes from women that expect nothing less, so see nothing less. That's unfortunate for you!

Oh and just for the record..

Yes I would be a green eyed monster if my DH went to a strip bar. Why should I be ashamed to admit that?
That's the first thing that would enter my head - Closey followed by; degrading creepy arsehole, entitled prick and goodbye looser.

If that makes me deluded, so be it. I'd rather sleep single at night than with some sleezeball.

Here's to all the single happy ladies that know their worth

It must be a shock. The OP loves this guy, never expected this. Now she's faced with stay with him and likely not respect him or finish with him and be heart broken. How do you marry those things up, you just can't. Either solution is crap.

It must be a shock. The OP loves this guy, never expected this. Now she's faced with stay with him and likely not respect him or finish with him and be heart broken. How do you marry those things up, you just can't. Either solution is crap

It's good to see a genuinely compassionate response on this thread, amongst all the strong opinions (mine included). I agree, it's an awful position to be in.

Op I would be the same. I just find it repulsive and to prove I'm not a hypocrite I left a friend's hen do when I knew there would be a stripper. Most people just think I'm a complete prude and I often get asked how do I have children if I'm so repulsed by stripping. They don't seem to get its the idea of seeing someone else as an object that bothers me.

I was a bit more forceful in my previous response SheGotBetteDavisEyes, but thanks.

You invest in a relationship and it's not all bad but this will be the elephant in the room if they stay together as the OP probably can't rationalise it with what she thought of him, so the foundations she built her relationship on in terms of values have shifted. I'd be thinking what else do I not know about you.

Donthugimscared - you're not a prude. Undressing and being seen naked when you're having sex with someone you love or giving birth is different from stripping in front of strangers to make money from sexually arousing other people. I'm sure people say I'm a prude now but I don't consider myself to be.

Honestly women who think their boyfriends/husbands etc don't go to stripclubs on stag dos are a tad deluded. Sure SOME men really don't but the majority do

Not true. I know of many men who have been in stag did and not gone to strip bars. Dh and a friend went off for a curry, and another two called it a night and went home, whilst the rest of the stag do he was in went to a strip bar. I know this to be true, and not just dh telling me a story.

Many men really just aren't interested in going to them and several others just don't agree with using them. Many men are capable of not just going along with the herd and speaking their own mind and making their own choices.

Not true. I know of many men who have been in stag did and not gone to strip bars. Dh and a friend went off for a curry, and another two called it a night and went home, whilst the rest of the stag do he was in went to a strip bar

With respect, you know what they told you. And they may have told you what you wanted to hear. You weren't there.

And for any woman believing that old tripe, that their DH went in to the club, but didn't watch anyone strip, he just sat at the bar facing the other way.....yeah RIGHT. Anyway, the bar is always facing the strippers, is it not? Surely that's the whole point!

Many men are capable of not just going along with the herd and speaking their own mind and making their own choices

Quite. I can't think of any male in my immediate family/friendship group who would go near a strip club. They are just as switched on to the issues around them as the females in my life. Why wouldn't they be?