DP went to a strip club on a stag do, and I'm like "this is over"

[OhYikesThisIsBad]

So DP [of c.5 years] went to European resort stag do last weekend. I'll be honest: I was fretful, but assumed he has aligned views on women cavorting for men's pleasure.

For context: we're chums with bride and groom, the wedding's fairly soon. DP and I haven't seen each other til tonight, through work travel.

He announces tonight, as we begin our third drink, "yes well there was a strip club".

Apparently he and another chum "went along with everyone" and sat at the bar because they felt "uncomfortable". The groom had a dance "but paid for by someone else!". I asked: DP thinks the bride and groom should still get married.

I'm very very sad, very angry, have told him this is a no go, relationship ender, etc. I loathe strip clubs.

Dunno what i want really - possibly someone to say "no you're wrong, he's a good lad", "he only went along with the crowd". Maybe a hand hold. Is there any way back from this? I was really looking forward to this bank hol. #fuckssake

The clubs I have been to are not seedy, the girls looked relaxed and happy

Right. Because they wouldn’t get a beating if they looked miserable and unhappy? My god. Trafficked women are threatened that if the customer is unhappy, their families will be killed. Wouldn’t you put on a “happy” face in that scenario? Especially as many have been forced to leave their young DCs behind.

Yes there are a proportion of women that work for the more “esteemed” clubs, that do it by choice but the vast majority do not come into this category.

Okaayyy

I just think it's an over reaction 🤷🏻‍♀️

I have no problem with strip clubs, but I'd be a bit if my partner went to one and wasted money there, mostly because I am a performer myself and know some of the top burlesque babes in the world and why on earth couldn't we go watch one of them instead? Strip clubs are pretty dire on the whole.

I think I'll be the guardian of me own thread Wildling - please stay Lydia, your contributions are very valued by me.

I'm just wallowing now. I am going to go an have a big gin an cuddle the cat. Thank you all even the ones who think feminists are man haterz

Feel for you OP I wouldn't know how to react. I could maybe stay in the relationship if he really did just sit at the bar if he had a dance.....I think it would be game over for me.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. Im sending to your maybe ex DH and to you!

Fucking hell OP
He went on a stag do and shock horror it ended up in a strip club which he has told you about
Give the guy a break.

If you seriously are now saying your going to be suspicious every time he’s out of your sight then your relationship has far bigger problems than a damn stag do.

If he wants to check out naked women all he has to do is look at his phone..

You either trust him or you don’t.

I’m with AuntLydia on this.
I would end my marriage if my dh was into porn. He has never watched it, and nor have I. Not everyone watches porn. I would end my marriage if Dh visited a prostitute, had a porn habit, or went to strip clubs. Basically if he objectified women, and thought their bodies were his to purchase in any way shape or form, then he would not be a man I could respect and love.

Do you know that the bride to be shares your views or is it an assumption?

I don't understand why you wouldn't go to the wedding?

Not a deal breaker for me although I wouldn't be thrilled either.

BTW even if I didn't tell him it was a deal breaker explicitly, the fact that he would go to one in the first place would be enough to end it for me.

You are either the type of man to go to strip clubs or not. I don't want one who thinks it is ok to go under any circumstances.

As a Feminist don't you feel the need to support women who have chosen sex work as a career? I'm not trying to be argumentative but I have friends who have chosen to become sex workers for their own reasons and have gone into with their eyes completely open, they're happy doing what they do and have not been coerced into it at all and in fact one of them is a huge feminist womens rights activist.

Thank you LadyDeadpool!

You either trust him or you don’t.

WTF has trust got to do with this?

I wouldn't be happy if DH went to a strip club but it wouldn't be a deal breaker.

I think OP's feelings about strip clubs are similar to my feelings about bull fights. I would feel devastated if DH went on a stag do in Barcelona and went to a bull fight because I think they're thoroughly and irredeemably wrong and I believe he agrees with me. So I'm trying to assess OP's situation based on that parallel.

You don't want him to not go because you told him not to, but because he earnestly agrees with you and wouldn't need telling.

I don't know what you should do about the wedding and the bride. My instinct is to say it's not your business, but since she's actually your friend (rather than just DP's friend's OH) I think maybe it is. Unnngh. You can't rescind your wedding acceptance without giving a reason, and it's absolutely not fair to let her find out your reason on the grapevine. Tough one.

Wildling, are you trying to be that thick??

It’s not about jealousy, or checking out naked women in porn, or seeing women in sundresses FFS!!

It’s that the woman and girls there could be trafficked. Therefore the ops dp shouldn’t have not gone in because the op wouldn’t like it, BUT BECAUSE HES NOT A RAPIST SCUMBAG WHO DOESNT CARE THAT THE WOMEN AND GIRLS DANCING ‘FOR HIM’ AND GETTING HIS COCK HARD ARE THERE AGAINST THEIR WILL

It’s not really that difficult to comprehend is it??

The op is feeling (I believe) that her dp has principles until a chance for sexy times comes and then he doesn’t care that women are human beings not walking holes to be abused.

There will always be strippers, Doms, escorts, sex workers. Always. And every single one of them has a story that is different from the next. Some feminists want just want sex work to be safer and better regulated because it will always exist.

I want to argue with don that OP should respect herself enough to not have a relationship with someone who is so clueless as to go to the strippers

You absolutely do have that right- and I think you've already decided.

I simply don't think that making a different choice to the one you expected means he's clueless or isn't the person you thought he was. Relationships are hard work, and being able to deal with conflict through negotiation is important.

That doesn't mean you should necessarily carry on, but I really wouldn't make a final decision tonight.

This is a bit like you and your DP being vegetarian

Bloody hell. I don't think there is any cause to compare DP to a vegetarian. Fair enough to say LTB, but not that.

I know a stripper (in the UK) who earns a bloody fortune. Loved the work and it's strictly no touching.

So I'm not worried about vaginas being rubbed on my dh, my upbringing or my intelligence thanks all the same @Hateloggingin

Well she is saying she’s going to be worried now every time he’s away from home that he may go to a strip club

But the point is it’s not the strip club that’s the issue. It’s wether she trusts him (to not go) or not. That’s the issue.

To be clear I'm not actually worried that DP shagged a trafficked woman, although who knows, I guess.

I'm holding him to the higher standard of viewing women as fully human, not just decorative fuckholes and norks for men's pleasure.

The sad thing is, the fucker who "led them" in there is a right malicious fucker and I could believe would have done it to test them, get them in trouble with the wives, make them feel uncomfortable.

But DP said, nowt, and went along with it. I'm very sad - we'd been talking about buying a house, having kids etc.

OP should leave her partner if she really thinks it's a deal breaker.Of course she is perfect and never makes mistakes

Oh Lydia. Bore off love.

Oh is that your answer to my pointing out what a man-hater you are?

Thanks OP, I'll stick around. YANBU and you have the right to feel shit about this. And you know the thickies with horrible husbands will desperately be telling you that it's no big deal for men to go to strip clubs, because they have to try and convince themselves that there's nothing wrong with their husbands.

But we know there is.

I'm also not his teacher. I think the dynamic of a male stripper is very very different, what with men not mainly being viewed by society as mum/domestic help/spunkbucket.

No you're not but nor can you necessarily expect someone to completely align with you if you don't accept that relationships need work and communication. As a woman you have your standpoint bias about the issue, as a man, he does not.

I accept that the dynamic of a male vs female stripper might be very different, but I was using that experience to illustrate how someone might react in those circumstances.

Dh once told me he was at a party when someone 'ordered' some escorts to attend. He made his excuses and left but he still works with the person who invited the women. I won't have dh's colleague in the house but I respect his need to maintain a relationship with this man.

But the point is it’s not the strip club that’s the issue. It’s wether she trusts him (to not go) or not. That’s the issue.

No it isn't the issue at all.

You aren't getting this are you?

Sobersandra, so the dance your dh had was with this highly paid stripper, who you know, who loves her job and it’s strictly no touching?

If my DP went to one but didn’t have a dance i’d be very cross but would eventually let it slide as long as he swore to never go again.
If he went and had a private dance then it would be the end of the relationship for me 100%