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Original poster

DP went to a strip club on a stag do, and I'm like "this is over"

597 replies

OhYikesThisIsBad · 25/05/2018 22:03

So DP [of c.5 years] went to European resort stag do last weekend. I'll be honest: I was fretful, but assumed he has aligned views on women cavorting for men's pleasure.

For context: we're chums with bride and groom, the wedding's fairly soon. DP and I haven't seen each other til tonight, through work travel.

He announces tonight, as we begin our third drink, "yes well there was a strip club".

Apparently he and another chum "went along with everyone" and sat at the bar because they felt "uncomfortable". The groom had a dance "but paid for by someone else!". I asked: DP thinks the bride and groom should still get married.

I'm very very sad, very angry, have told him this is a no go, relationship ender, etc. I loathe strip clubs.

Dunno what i want really - possibly someone to say "no you're wrong, he's a good lad", "he only went along with the crowd". Maybe a hand hold. Is there any way back from this? I was really looking forward to this bank hol. #fuckssake

OP posts:
Original poster
OhYikesThisIsBad · 25/05/2018 22:26

What do you think he would do in the same situation if it were to come up again?

I guess I assume he would:
(1) decide to not go [more likely], or
(2) go and not tell me.

MMmomDD I'm heartbroke/raging/whatever but at some point can we unpick your post? Sexy women flaunting their wares in sexy summer clothes is just,

OP posts:
coffeebreak38572 · 25/05/2018 22:27

I don't think I would end a five year relationship over this if it's otherwise good. I agree i would be upset.
I always doubt it when I hear men say they only went out of pressure. In my head they all go home blaming each other to their OH.
As for the private dance that would be a deal breaker for me. Although I have a friend who actually paid for a stripper for her OH on his birthday.

Sparkyspyro · 25/05/2018 22:28

Does your friend know her husband to be had a dance? Did he want one or was he swept up in the whole "stag do". It's easy to sit at home and say you would never go along with it but with your mates, lots of drink, i can see he could have got carried away.
I wouldn't sweat this to be honest, sounds like your dp stayed out of it as much as he could and it's good you've educated him regarding trafficking etc. But being abroad I would stick with the group too to be honest and of DH was on one would say that to him too, a guy local to us drowned recently on a European stag so that would be on my mind...

Typeractive · 25/05/2018 22:29

Does it really matter whether or not OP and her DP had an explicit agreement re: strip clubs?

The point is, he's shown himself to be not quite the person she thought he was. It appears there's a pretty significant clash of values here.

I'm really sorry this is happening OP. I think, were it me, I'd find it pretty hard to get past. Strip clubs demean everybody: not only women, but men too.

Original poster
OhYikesThisIsBad · 25/05/2018 22:29

If you've done 5 years don't break up over this.

This is perhaps the sunk costs fallacy but I sortof agree! He's a lovely lad, has a real bond with his mum and nan, is kind and respectful.

But sees no issue with our mate (the groom) having a paid for strip off a woman, and then still getting married to our other friend.

OP posts:
Starlighter · 25/05/2018 22:29

Honestly, as a one off, on a stag do? I don’t think it’d bother me that much.

Definitely not a reason to break up if he’s perfect in every other way... Confused

Monday55 · 25/05/2018 22:31

You are overreacting OP

There's More naked women flaunting their bits in thong bikinis at the beach these days ! If you're going to end it over this then maybe your bond was never as strong as you thought.

Pebblespony · 25/05/2018 22:33

If he went on his own, then I see a problem. Going with a load of others on a stag do? It wouldn't bother me.

Original poster
OhYikesThisIsBad · 25/05/2018 22:33

Does it really matter whether or not OP and her DP had an explicit agreement

Yes i mean this isn't a contract breach - I'd be all over "well actually the intent of the parties was clear when she said 'oh my god imagine how awful it'd be if there was a stripper, and he said..."

But we're in a relationship largely based on trust.

I just thought he'd use his fucking loaf and go "fuck this".

OP posts:
fannyanddick · 25/05/2018 22:34

It wouldn't bother me. I just think it's standard stag stuff. Hen parties behave in a similar way, naked butlers etc. I would feel very differently if it was an ordinary night out. I know this is double standards!

rainbowdashflip · 25/05/2018 22:34

But sees no issue with our mate (the groom) having a paid for strip off a woman, and then still getting married to our other friend.

Neither do I

Petitepamplemousse · 25/05/2018 22:35

Oh good grief, it was a stag do and no big deal, no need to react so strongly. I’m a feminist but have occasionally done anti feminist things due to peer pressure, or seen male strippers on a hen do which was properly embarrassing but it would have been rude to leave.
Chill out. Mountain out of a molehill.

Ikeameatballs · 25/05/2018 22:35

I think I understand your conflict:

You thought that he shared your viewpoint that women are harmed directly and indirectly by strip clubs and so assumed that he wouldn’t support them in any way. Him going along has shaken your view of him and his core beliefs and values no longer seem aligned with yours.

I think it depends upon how important his values are to you/your relationship, how he reacts to your concerns and other aspects of your relationship. In your position I would neither rush to end things nor assume that everything will be ok. I say this from the POV of someone who is less bothered by strip clubs but would still view myself as a feminist, make of that what you will.

Alibaba87 · 25/05/2018 22:36

Meh also not too fussed. Husband has been to strip clubs on previous stag dos and though I think they’re very uncouth it’s very much part and parcel. I guess the issue here sounds less like you’re unhappy with him looking at naked ladies and more that you have mismatched moral views around the nature of a strip club. Like pp have said, if you hadn’t explicitly stated this, it might be a little unfair to hold it against him. Unless he was dead against going to one or knew in advance that you were, I wouldn’t be surprised/pissed off that he went along with the whole group either. Some men do just sit there awkwardly.

Petitepamplemousse · 25/05/2018 22:36

If you are in real, proper love, you wouldn’t consider ending your relationship over something so minor though. You might fall out, but end the relationship? No. So I can only assume you want out anyway?

Sunbeam18 · 25/05/2018 22:37

Those posters making the comments about summer clothing and bikinis - are you for real??

LeChatDeNuit · 25/05/2018 22:38

I get it OP. I’d hate it. But he didn’t have the dance, so I would be inclined to try to move past it if the relationship is otherwise good.

As for the groom having a dance, I find that bizarre, but each to their own Confused I certainly wouldn’t be getting married to somebody who thought that was a reasonable thing to do.

Melliegrantfirstlady · 25/05/2018 22:38

are you jealous?

SnowGoArea · 25/05/2018 22:38

So is the issue in your head that your he went into the club at all, or that he doesn't have a problem with the groom marrying his fiancee after getting a dance?

If it's the latter, I wonder if the problem is that you could potentially be the fiancee in the situation one day. And you wouldn't want to marry someone that would get the dance, yet here is your bf not acting terribly disapproving of it. I can see why that would ring some alarm bells, but I think you need to talk it through together before deciding what to do (assuming no other problems).

If entering the club at all is a deal breaker for you then you sound like you aren't that compatible. I'd be the same but I can see why others wouldn't be. Both are fine, it's the being on the same page that's important.

Original poster
OhYikesThisIsBad · 25/05/2018 22:39

Thanks for the views btw, even those that are flaunting their bits

I'm pretty sure having bits and wearing a swimsuit is not an indication you'd accept payment to get your vagina out.

Anyway, currently, two beers in, in high dudgeon, I:

am not going to the thing DP and i had planned on sunday
am not going to the wedding
have told DP to FOTTFSOF
am not shy of telling people about this, although don't currently feel the need to tell my/our friend (the bride) her STBH had a private dance at a strip club

I've only told you lot though. I might go an have a large gin and a weep, with the cat.

OP posts:
Crunched · 25/05/2018 22:39

He may respect your views but he does not have to share them

And this is the crux surely? You can see here, and already knew, this isn't a deal breaker for all women, but if it is for you? Then the relationship is over.

LeChatDeNuit · 25/05/2018 22:39

Those posters making the comments about summer clothing and bikinis - are you for real??

I know. WTAF?

Weezol · 25/05/2018 22:42

I'm a Feminist. I chucked my XH out over an emotional affair, but even I wouldn't consider a lap dance cheating. We discuseed this before his stag, the whole thing with trafficked women, coercion etc. and I would have had a serious problem if he had one. He was of similar opinion about male strippers.

His stag was at an English seaside and they all ended up in a long standing Drag/Burlesque club which I was fine with.

Does his fiancee know about the lap dance? It's up to her whether she is ok with it

I think Typer has it cracked, it's about the disconnect in values.

SnowGoArea · 25/05/2018 22:42

Oh no, hope you're OK OP? You've not just plastered over something that bothered you, so that's good.

What did he say?

Melliegrantfirstlady · 25/05/2018 22:43

Op

So you are going to tell everyone you are not going to a wedding due to a strip club visit?!

That more shocking than the visit to the club

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