DP went to a strip club on a stag do, and I'm like "this is over"

[OhYikesThisIsBad]

So DP [of c.5 years] went to European resort stag do last weekend. I'll be honest: I was fretful, but assumed he has aligned views on women cavorting for men's pleasure.

For context: we're chums with bride and groom, the wedding's fairly soon. DP and I haven't seen each other til tonight, through work travel.

He announces tonight, as we begin our third drink, "yes well there was a strip club".

Apparently he and another chum "went along with everyone" and sat at the bar because they felt "uncomfortable". The groom had a dance "but paid for by someone else!". I asked: DP thinks the bride and groom should still get married.

I'm very very sad, very angry, have told him this is a no go, relationship ender, etc. I loathe strip clubs.

Dunno what i want really - possibly someone to say "no you're wrong, he's a good lad", "he only went along with the crowd". Maybe a hand hold. Is there any way back from this? I was really looking forward to this bank hol. #fuckssake

He can’t be expected to read your mind.

The OP doesn't want him to read her mind. She wants him to have a mind of his own. A mind which recognises that women are people and to treat them as though they are not, is disgusting.

She's disappointed that her DP has turned out to be a bog standard sexist.

Well, men are disappointing like that.

Sorry OP.

You know you're not over-reacting. You know that you'll never really feel the same respect for him again. I'm sorry.

I wouldn't put up with it. He must have known your thoughts on stuff like this before he went but he was more bothered about what the other men would say he he did not go in than his relationship with you. I feel sorry for your friend who is marrying a man like this.

Yes Crunched agreed, everyone has different opinions, standards, it’s all subjective. If OP isn’t happy with it then that’s that.

I found out my husband had a strip dance paid for him by "friends" a week before our wedding.

It broke my heart as he knew I hated the idea.

I married him as we had already got a child and I loved him. Forgiving him was hard and I still can't listen to that song "closer" that was around in 2008ish without feeling pangs of pain.

Lordy.
My husband went to a strip club on his stag do. The other lads with him paid for a dance and some on stage antics where he was stripped naked and the lady went to town on him with high heels/whips etc!!! It was all just a bit of fun for a one off night out - he told me all about it. I found it funny, sounded more like a bit of a laugh at his expense. Nothing to worry about.
I think your being really hard on him to be honest. It was a stag weekend, what did you honestly expect then do be doing other than getting blind drunk and going to a strip club?!!

And the fact he thinks it's ok for our (male) mate to have a "private dance" and still get married to our (woman) mate, is just... i dunno.

sees no issue with our mate (the groom) having a paid for strip off a woman, and then still getting married to our other friend.

What makes you think it has anything to do with either of you? What they agree is ok within their relationship has nothing to do with you.

And given that you want her to call off her wedding based on her fiance going to a strip club (when he was likely hammered and taken along by his stags), but want us all to tell you its ok to not dump your DH (who can recall everything he did, had a choice and still did it) for doing the same makes you a hypocrite.

Be a feminist or dont be, I dont care. But dont be a fucking hypocrite.

PS, He sat at the bar, said it was shit and embarrassing and only went to fit in? BULLSHIT, they all say that and I sincerely hope you are have not fallen for it.

I’d feel very let down too OP and pretty cross.

What did he say when you told him to FO?

I think the people trafficking would upset me. My dh sees women in bikinis every week when he goes swimming with the children.

Lack of respect for women and going along with the lads, the groom to be would trouble me too.

If it doesn't upset you would you be ok with your husband jizzing in his pants over a people trafficked woman, or girl, the week before your wedding?

even if you did accept payment to get your vagina out, i wouldn't judge you but the man who...

I know MN has a range of views on strip clubs - I have my own, but I guess I'm trying to work out if:

He'll just go along with it again at another stag do
the bloke who paid for the dance who i thought was a misogynist anyway is a work colleague, so i guess conferences might be a risk too?
if it's indicative of drunken acuqiesence, or actually viewing women as fuckholes in at least some situations/special occasions

@OhYikesThisIsBad
Unpick - please.
Not ‘sexy women in summer clothes flaunting’ -
What I said - if what bothers you is that he saw women that he might have found sexually attractive in that club - you should remember that he sees sexually attractive women around him on a daily basis.
And that, especially in the summer - it’s more noticeable...

Ask any man - when summer starts and we wear less clothes - they do notice and react. Just human nature.
Most of them - don’t act on it.

But all of that is beside the point.
You assumed you and your bf have the same opinion on something. And turns out - you don’t.
If it’s a deal breaker - and a 5 year relationship is worth ending over it - you don’t need strangers to agree with you.

I understand. I would really, really struggle with this too. For the same reasons you have given, OP.

My most recent ex once disclosed to me that twenty years ago (in his mid thirties) he went to a mate's stag do at a pub in London. Two prostitutes had been hired to strip on the stage and they were asking men to join in. My ex ended up having sex with both of them, in a variety of positions, in front of about 60 cheering men. He called it his "proudest ever bloke moment".

It's one of the most revolting things anyone has ever told me and our relationship could not survive the disclosure, even though it was long before we met.

It was a stag do. If he wasn't unfaithful, what is the problem? If there is trust then you shouldn't be worried about it. Certainly if the relationship is otherwise absolutely fine then why let it spoil things?

What did he say when you told him to FO?

"I'm really sorry I've upset you" "I didn't think"

If he wasn't unfaithful, what is the problem?

When i was a nipper, I'd hear women occasionally say "well at least he doesn't hit her"

I have higher expectations of a relationship I guess?

But sees no issue with our mate (the groom) having a paid for strip off a woman, and then still getting married to our other friend

OMG, it's a bloody Stag Do. Are you seriously saying, that the wedding should now be off?

I arranged my sisters Hen night, and she arranged mine. I organised a trip to a male strip club, and she got pulled on to the dance floor (obvious target, what with the learner plates and veil outfit), and the guy danced all over her.

She arranged a private party for me, and Quelle Surprise, a stripper turned up, dressed up as the lead character from An Officer and a Gentleman, and danced for me, whilst stripping, as everyone laughed whilst drinking Prosecco and generally got pissed.

It's just a bit of fun, in this context.

You can't honestly expect your Partner, to go back to the B&B and miss the fun. And you can't expect the Groom to be a stick in the mud, even if he is cringing.

Now, if your Partner was going to strip clubs all the time, and paying women for lap dances, I'd be majorly pissed off. But that isn't what's happened here.

He sounds like a good guy. I'd honestly let this go.

I find your preoccupation with the groom odd. You have no idea of the dynamics of their relationship. It's highly likely they discussed strip clubs etc before the stag. Please don't try to make their wedding all about your relationship drama.

Either you can move on from this or you can't. It's probably best to spend a few days apart so you can work out how you feel rather than making drunken, dramatic gestures.

But sees no issue with our mate (the groom) having a paid for strip off a woman, and then still getting married to our other friend.

It doesn't matter whether either of you see an issue with it- that is between your mate and his fiance. Many people are fine with this- I don't agree, you don't agree, but it's their life.

I just thought he'd use his fucking loaf and go "fuck this".

I think you would be pretty unfair to dump him because he didn't act the way you imagine he would. Doing something which makes him uncomfortable for a friend is not the same as if he'd had a private dance or went around campaigning for more strip clubs.

I think retrospectively expecting him to have left the party just because you don't like the club borders on controlling, as is refusing to go to the wedding. YWNBU to expect him to stick to his agreement, in future, now that you have made your feelings clear.

I'm a Feminist. I chucked my XH out over an emotional affair, but even I wouldn't consider a lap dance cheating.

Obviously, I'm only going off second hand info, but they sound grim. I'd think of it as cheating. Being in a club with women in bikinis, however, is not cheating.

if what bothers you is that he saw women that he might have found sexually attractive in that club

Why would that be what bothers her?

Are you really that shallow?

Do you have no idea that other women care about the actual character of the men they live with?

Either you can move on from this or you can't. It's probably best to spend a few days apart so you can work out how you feel rather than making drunken, dramatic gestures.

This.

Are you seriously saying, that the wedding should now be off?

Yep. But tbc - it's not my wedding. It does perhaps give context to how i fell about DP "just going along with it".

Yes OP you have decent standards, don’t drop them for anyone. Silly man.

It’s interesting that on another thread a man actually posted about Eastern European stag dos and what goes on at them, and it’s plenty more than a dance. It’s in fact the specific reason men go abroad for these stag do’s. At the time everyone was saying it would be a deal breaker but now everyone’s saying “no big deal”. Maybe up your mind MN! You can bet there’s more that when on at this stag do than he’s admitting to. It would be a deal breaker for me, but then I wouldn’t be with someone who would attend a stag do like this.

Op,this is not a deal breaker.
Please don't let one night out ruin your life.
Everyone does things which are not the brightest moves,whether he just had a few too many,just went with the crowd,I can't see many men saying in that situation "I'm not going in my dp won't like it i will wait out here" ,or both,it was not out of disrespect of you or women in general.
Unless your relationship is not good and you want to move on,imho,I would talk it through with him,make sure he knows how you feel then draw a line under it and move on.

I completely understand where you are coming from- I loathe them.

I also hate the supposed benign oh I just sat at the bar and didn’t have a private dance bollocks. It’s weak and pathetic.

BUT I do accept that DH can respect my views and probably share them but to a lesser degree or unless I am explicit in how strongly I feel he may not realise.

I know he went to a strip club on a stag do once many moons ago before we got married and also sat at the bar. I was horrified and upset at the time but I told him exactly why I felt that way and he got it- and hasn’t been back. Next time it came up
on a work night he declined and came home. The time after that on a stag do he actually told everyone why he wouldn’t be going and a few others ended up saying no thanks either.

So talk to him again when you feel
Calmer and explain.

If he still minimises then I could understand why you would walk away.

I would not end a 5 year relationship over this. I assume he knows his relationship would be over if he ever got a private dance, and it’s not entirely fair to judge his thoughts on his mate unless you know100% the fiancée would cancel the wedding if she knew. stag dos are the one occasion I would ok a strip club these days for my dp (if I thought everyone was going, even harder if it’s on a trip) although he’d be pretty clear that if there was a chance of not going he should take it (and has done before). I’m not sure you have had this conversation explicitly enough tbh to dump him.