DP went to a strip club on a stag do, and I'm like "this is over"

[OhYikesThisIsBad]

So DP [of c.5 years] went to European resort stag do last weekend. I'll be honest: I was fretful, but assumed he has aligned views on women cavorting for men's pleasure.

For context: we're chums with bride and groom, the wedding's fairly soon. DP and I haven't seen each other til tonight, through work travel.

He announces tonight, as we begin our third drink, "yes well there was a strip club".

Apparently he and another chum "went along with everyone" and sat at the bar because they felt "uncomfortable". The groom had a dance "but paid for by someone else!". I asked: DP thinks the bride and groom should still get married.

I'm very very sad, very angry, have told him this is a no go, relationship ender, etc. I loathe strip clubs.

Dunno what i want really - possibly someone to say "no you're wrong, he's a good lad", "he only went along with the crowd". Maybe a hand hold. Is there any way back from this? I was really looking forward to this bank hol. #fuckssake

*My problem with it is not jealousy, or personal concern for those who put their body parts on show (per se). I struggle to understand or respect people who think it's ok to take part in an activity that is so primal and yet so disconnected, it debases women (or men) who get paid to dance/grind intimately with strangers. This is harmful to our society. How can women be equal if as a whole, the majority of people think it's ok that "most men" are capable of happily using another human being's body parts for titillation without considering that person as someone's daughter, sister, mother or wife. It's crude, basic and disgusting. That is a person there in front of you, just the fact that anyone can have such a mental disconnect from their groin that they think it's cool to actively seek arousal without any consideration of who this person is and who you are to this person, but just because it's paid for, utterly baffles me. I think we need to strive to be more advanced than this if we ever hope to achieve gender equality.

Couldn't agree more.

I was dragged to a lap dancing club on my stag do.
I had no idea we were going as it was a surprise. When we got outside I said what is this? They told me, I said fuck off lets go to a club. I couldn't think of anything worse.

^I was dragged to a lap dancing club on my stag do.
I had no idea we were going as it was a surprise. When we got outside I said what is this? They told me, I said fuck off lets go to a club. I couldn't think of anything worse.^

This guy gets it..
Men can say no!

How are you doing, OYTIB?

Many men are capable of not just going along with the herd and speaking their own mind and making their own choices

Absolutely!

It'd be a dealbreaker for me. Strip clubs are too closely linked with human trafficking and there's no way of knowing if the person dancing for you is being forced to or not. I don't understand how people who know about that can justify going.

I wouldn't be able to respect my husband if he a) didn't care that the strippers might be being forced and b) went along because his friends said so. He's a grown man and should have the courage of his convictions.

Surely you cant end your relationship because of this.
Alot of strippers are also there because they want to, im not saying none are exploited and Tbf I dont know much about ones abroad but been in a couple in the uk and got chatting to one lady who had done it for years, she loved dancing and used to attend stage school for whatever reasons nothing came of a professional career and she had ended up at this place dancing a couple nights a week but she also had a day job. She was such a lovely woman

"Surely you can't end your relationship because of this".

Well I could. There is nothing "cool" about strip clubs. If I discovered my dh had visited one I would definitely view him in a different light. I don't want to be married to someone who views women as a commodity, follows the crowd because he is too weak to speak his own mind and thinks it is acceptable to have another woman grind her naked body in his face because he paid her to. In fact I would prefer that he had a drunken grope with Donna down the Stags Head because at least they would be on a level playing field. I find it odd that some women think lap dancing clubs are ok because you exchange money. Weird view.

We all have different views on that but no way would I end my marriage over 1 visit to a strip club

but no way would I end my marriage over 1 visit to a strip club

That's fine. Those are your boundaries and you are happy with them.

It isn't at all the same thing as saying:

Surely you cant end your relationship because of this.

People can and people do. I would. Those are my boundaries/standards. relationships are about the individuals involved.

(the strip club industry is about more than that obviously)

OP - if it bothers you and its a relationship breaker (and your OP knows that) - dump him.

It does not matter what anyone else thinks - we all have our own boundaries. Its YOUR boundaries that matter, not anyone elses.

With respect, you know what they told you. And they may have told you what you wanted to hear. You weren't there.

But dh knows I could have checked. We have find my iPhone on our phones. If I hadn't trusted him it would have bern easy to find out.i also know that he was in the curry house as the receipt had the time and date on - I wasn't checking up, it was in his pocket when I washed his clothes and I just checked the name of the place before throwing it away in case it was a receipt we needed to keep.

It isn't that unusual for a man to not be interested in these places.

It isn't that unusual for a man to not be interested in these places.

No its really not, it's just unfortunate so many women are married to losers and have a low view of men.

I take it the OP never actually came back?

No, the OP has been back.

Why has this thread suddenly appeared in my watch list?

I posted on it then hid it when it went on and on.

I'll report my own post to Mnhq but I wonder what's happened since.

I would not put up with this either. DP knows it’s a severe deal breaker for me.

Really detdet?

You revive the thread to say you are reporting it

Yes I know it sounds stupid. I've tried to raise it with mnhq. I have a weird glitch in the system but it seems to be just me.

No idea why.

But when it appeared again I did get interested again and wondered how it'd panned out.

Would he be ok with you taking your clothes off and wriggling against a strange man?

If not, do you think people would look at him weirdly and tell him “but women will always want to look at hot men” or “well did you tell her before hand that you wouldn’t be happy with this? She’s not a mind reader!”

Sexism is deeply engrained in society. I think I’d have to split up as it would show our moral code and ethics are completely at odds.

It is an issue because men get turned on my strippers. They won’t tell you they had a private dance, they will just play it down!

ZOMBIE THREAD

I'd love to know what happened in the end. Whether the OP did break up her own relationship and grass up the other stags.