DP went to a strip club on a stag do, and I'm like "this is over"

[OhYikesThisIsBad]

So DP [of c.5 years] went to European resort stag do last weekend. I'll be honest: I was fretful, but assumed he has aligned views on women cavorting for men's pleasure.

For context: we're chums with bride and groom, the wedding's fairly soon. DP and I haven't seen each other til tonight, through work travel.

He announces tonight, as we begin our third drink, "yes well there was a strip club".

Apparently he and another chum "went along with everyone" and sat at the bar because they felt "uncomfortable". The groom had a dance "but paid for by someone else!". I asked: DP thinks the bride and groom should still get married.

I'm very very sad, very angry, have told him this is a no go, relationship ender, etc. I loathe strip clubs.

Dunno what i want really - possibly someone to say "no you're wrong, he's a good lad", "he only went along with the crowd". Maybe a hand hold. Is there any way back from this? I was really looking forward to this bank hol. #fuckssake

I have been with my husband in strip clubs. Have no issues with them whatsoever. The absolute skill required for some of the pole moves is awe inspiring. The female form is beautiful in dance. My opinion is that these women and doing it because they like it, the money is good, it fits their lifestyle or they just need a job, same as the rest of us. How other people choose to make their money is none of my business. The clubs I have been to are not seedy, the girls looked relaxed and happy and there was no pawing or otherwise lewd behaviour. I enjoyed the experience. So I would have no problem with what your partner has done.

However this is YOUR relationship with your own rules and expectations. You need to decide for yourself what this means for you. Good luxk.

And the PP who wouldn't want to make her DP look like a twat by not letting him go to one with all his mates?
The irony of using the word "twat"......
It's bloody depressing how little value some people place on other humans' lives.
And btw, male syrippers in bowties with bottles of prosecco are in a very different part of the Venn Diagram of Objectionable Sexual Behaviours to the European stag resorts and strip clubs therein.
Stop being so naive.

Gacapa I am so sorry to hear that about your ex, how horrible.

Clearly, on here there are lots of different opinions. OP it is your choice to think about these things how you like.

Personally, I loath anything related to the so-called sex industry. I really hope my dh would have enough integrity not to go into a strip club. However, if he did, because he was just too embarrassed to say no, I personally would cut him some slack. But I would be disappointed.

The idea that men cannot go out and have a celebration with their friends without watching a woman dance naked for them is just really, really sad.

This thread is actually annoying me. So one pp went to one club (probably a legitimate one in the uk) so now she thinks all women in these clubs are happy to strip! Some women do choose to do it for economic reasons but they are very much in the minority. It makes me very sad that women are posting, not seeing a problem with this.

“My man would never go to a strip club”

Yeahhhhhhhh right

I bet her never looks at porn either........

I generally have the reputation of a total feminist buzzkill but at my sister in laws hen do last year - in a rural holiday cottage - her bridesmaids had hired a surprise male stripper. I thought I could either stick by my rigid principles and ruin the evening for everyone or just quietly and get on with it with the minimum of drama. It was cringey and distasteful and no one found it remotely 'sexy' but it was just one of those things that happens at stag and hen dos. Turns out this guy was earning more money a night than I do in a whole day in my professional job and he was nearly 20 years younger than me.

My husband just laughed when I told him.

Tbh if your relationship has been otherwise good up to this point, it seems silly to throw away. Don't make it into a false binary - he clearly didn't think it would be a dealbreaker if he told you. That speaks volumes to me. Take it as a chance to talk to him - and educate him, if that's what it needs.

I think it's not very wise to shut everything down just cos it doesn't fit the very defined box of what you think. If we all did that, no one would ever learn or develop a different mindset.

cister, in the course of my voluntary work I've had a dialogue with a former stripper about her work and came away with the very opposite impression to what you've described. Harrowing is the word that springs to mind.

You were paying for the smiling compliance of those women: a sexual fantasy. It's hardly surprising they chose not to air their grievances with you.

You're not going to the wedding?

My DH went to a strip club. His mates paid for him to have a private dance. Meh. One of my brothers was there and chipped in

Happily married for 6 years.

I'd be really upset (and a bit cross) If a guest then didn't come to our wedding.

Wildlingofthewest do you find it so hard to believe that there are some men who do not want to go to strip clubs or look at porn?

You may not have met any men like that but I am pretty certain I have. No one is disputing some men like going to strip clubs, why do you want to dispute some men do not?

Would be a deal breaker for me. He knows this, so if he was to go to one then he would have decided that watching strippers are more important than our marriage. It would be him who ended our marriage.

I could no longer respect him and he wouldn't be the man I thought (and said) he was.

I am sorry OP It doesn't matter what others think though really.

I suspect the OP doesn't expect him to have left the party because she doesn't like the club. I suspect she would have liked him to have enough integrity to not go in the club because he knows it's wrong.

The groom doesn't consider it wrong and wanted to go- OP's boyfriend considered it wrong, but made the choice to remain with the group because he wanted to celebrate with his friend. She doesn't have to agree but she needs to respect him enough to understand that it is his choice, not hers.

If sitting at a bar in a strip club was completely unacceptable to the OP then ideally she would have made it clear before the stag do. This is not some universal moral standard that everyone agrees on.

and you should also know I've decided to dedicate my life to campaigning for more strip clubs :-)

Why should i bother believing that my (ex?) DP only sat at the side?

If you don't have reason to believe his word then he should not be your DP. Strip clubs pale next to the importance of this.

Some had regular jobs but made much more by doing this on the side. All of them were lovely and intelligent and choosing to be there.

I've known a few strippers and had very similar conversations. It's not a choice I like, but it's not my place to tell them it's wrong.

What if the bride knows her do had a dance and doesn’t mind? Would you still not go to the wedding. What will you say to the bride and groom who will have paid for you to attend?

I think the key thing here is that your dp told you, he is sorry he has upset you.

No one is perfect. On your death bed will you wonder what your life together would have been like or will you be glad you left him over one issue.

I take the point that it's a learning opportunity Fairy but as I said earlier, it's learning he and i can employ well in future relationships.

I'm also not his teacher. I think the dynamic of a male stripper is very very different, what with men not mainly being viewed by society as mum/domestic help/spunkbucket.

Actually, it is misleading of me to infer that only the Stag resort type clubs are run to make a profit out of trafficked women. There are clubs and brothels throughout these pastures green which would give these destination clubs a run for their money.. trafficked women are everywhere and if we as women can't stand up and say it's not on, who Will? Certainly not the Menz who wouldn't want to look like a' twat 'in front of their mates.

Italian greyhound, it think it’s due to socialising with people who are strippers, dominatrixes etc. The people that I know, view it as their profession, so I guess it has been normalised to me in a way.

And no I’m not easily shocked. And I know that a lot of men will tell their partners that they feel uncomfortable in a strip club, because they think it’s what they want to hear. Right or wrong, I’m just sharing my experiences of people telling me things that they wouldn’t necessarily tell their partner. Sometimes strangers get to see a side of a person that their partner doesn’t get to see.

“My man would never go to a strip club”

Yeahhhhhhhh right

I bet her never looks at porn either........

Because all men are bastards, right?

And feminists are accused of man hating.

fairymuff I can understand not wanting to ruin your sister in laws event but why does earning lots of money make something OK?

"Turns out this guy was earning more money a night than I do in a whole day in my professional job and he was nearly 20 years younger than me."

sobersandra "I'd be really upset (and a bit cross) If a guest then didn't come to our wedding." Surely if the OP feels concerned about this then it may be better for all if she doesn't go to the wedding. It has to be her choice, surely. It would not stop me going but I can see this is an issue for the OP.

The OP can end a relationship for any reason she chooses. She is not her OPs property

OP I remember when my now DH went on his DB's stag. He and his DBIL didn't go to a strip place because they knew I and DBIL's DW wouldn't approve (and I guess they didn't approve either). I was so relieved because this could have been a relationship breaker for me.

10 years on, after the usual life challenges, children, elderly parents, just life, I actually think this would rank low down my list of deal-breakers. I am saying that I am pleased (now) I wouldn't have given up on my relationship for this although at the time it would've seen so important. Maybe I've become more selfish but no-one is perfect and it's hard to keep a marriage and children together sometime. Taking it further, people take back partners who have been unfaithful. It has to be a personal decision but if this is the only thing, I'd be cross then forgive him.

I want to argue with don that OP should respect herself enough to not have a relationship with someone who is so clueless as to go to the strippers - and then remembered I am the OP

oh fucking hell. It's easier just to go along with this isn't it? Just brush over it in a day or two, hope it doesn't happen next time he goes to a stag do or a work conference or whatever.

I think it is possible for one person in a relationship to hold strong views about something that the other person doesn't share to the same extent, and for it still to work. I guess it's the way we deal with it that counts. If you want your relationship to survive this, then it will. You just need to talk it through, and set absolute boundaries for what is and isn't acceptable to you. I very much doubt this is something he'd do again. It sounds to me like he was in an awkward situation. Maybe a little forgiveness, and a second chance is called for?

Sorry...................she is not her DPs property.

Oh Lydia. Bore off love.

This is a bit like you and your DP being vegetarian and then discovering he went to a BBQ and nibbled a burger, its like the person you thought you knew has changed.

Sobersandra, growing up with a family like that (your brother chipped in ) I can see why you have such low standards. Luckily the op is rather more intelligent than you and doesn’t like the thought of exploiting trafficked women and girls.

Never mind eh, at least your dh got a (paid for) vagina rubbed all over him. Let’s not worry that the human being who owns that vagina probably did not wish to do that.