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Original poster

Porn problems, I hate it!

210 replies

Anony123 · 25/05/2018 09:13

My boyfriend has watched porn from a young age and says he is addicted. He is 21. He always said he never watched porn but I caught it on his phone and got so upset. It broke my heart because I disagree with it when in a relationship. I feel like it affects our sex life as he learned about sex from porn and isnt amazing in the bedroom which I am okay with because what matters to me about sex is the intimacy. But also he was watching it a lot and we were having sex less which left me heart broken. When I found it I broke down in to tears and couldn't even look at him. The fact that he is getting off to skinny little porn stars makes me feel like I'm not enough for him and the fact that he was doing it so often broke me into pieces. I couldn't look at him, I felt horrible being naked in front of him. He wonders why I have body issues but him watching porn instead of coming to me really doesn't help! So I told him I can't be with someone who watches porn as I feel like it's betrayal and he said he would stop. But I found it on his phone last night and when I confronted him he said it's because he is addicted and he is trying to stop. I'm devastated! I don't know what to do! It's killing me but I really love him and our lo together and really don't want our relationship to end but don't want to be with someone who choses porn over his girlfriend and that I feel so horrible and unattractive to (even though he tells me I'm beautiful all the time)

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 25/05/2018 09:19

Porn addiction is becoming more and more common.
My ExP was and no doubt, still is a porn addict.
He can't just stop!
He needs to see someone.
And this addiction takes 2 years to sort out with counselling.
You are young but you have a DC together so it complicates things a bit.
Do you work?
What is the financial situation?
Living situation?
Look at what separation looks like for you.
But honestly, this won't improve.

Original poster
Anony123 · 25/05/2018 09:32

I really don't think he would talk about porn in therapy as it's quite an embarrsing topic for him. I have just gone through some training and starting work next week. We live together. I really want us to be together but I can't be with someone who choses to watch naked girls over the internet instead of come to there girlfriend. I can't understand it. It makes me feel so shit about myself! We have just moved to a place of our own as was living with parents and this has just completely broken me

OP posts:
Frosty66612 · 25/05/2018 09:37

I think it’s quite rare for young men these days to never watch any porn. It’s quite sad really. I guess it’s how accessible it is to them all now. It’s not like back in the day where they all had to share a soft core magazine with their friends that someone had managed to steal from somewhere.
If he’s seriously trying to stop then tell him to have an adult content blocker installed on his phone and laptop that only you know the pin code to.

Onemansoapopera · 25/05/2018 09:47

If you say you can't be with him, well then, you can't be with him. Nothing more to add really is there? If he's addicted to it he's not going to be able to drop it just like that to please you.

Also, stop comparing yourself to the women in porn. He's not even looking at them if it's gone to addiction stage...He just needs the act of watching porn to get off - he probably doesn't even get any pleasure out of it anymore.

OhGrrr · 25/05/2018 10:01

Honestly, I'd walk away.

I'm in my 40s and since my marriage ended and I've had sex with other men, it was really obvious to me that one didn't use porn because the sex was so much better.

Porn makes them boring, lazy and detached 'lovers'.

I see you have a child, it's not easy but it's not impossible either.

And it's not going to get any better. He won't just stop and you won't get any more comfortable with it.

Original poster
Anony123 · 25/05/2018 10:15

That's the issue that he learned sex from porn. Sex was never spoken about in his house So that is how he learned and he isn't great because of this. He admitted all this to me. Now I would be willing to have sex with him for the rest of my life and work on sex together as a team if he was willing to give up porn. I've told him other things for example that I don't agree with and he respects it. Like he used to smoke weed in school, ive tried it twice but I told him I disagree with smoking weed when you have a kid and a family and he still wants to do it I know but respects it for me and doesn't so what is so bloody hard about porn!!

OP posts:
OhGrrr · 25/05/2018 10:28

It sounds like a lot of hard work, OP.

I tend to think that I want to be with someone whose interests, values, hobbies and habits are largely compatible with mine.

Not someone who has to be cajoled and encouraged to change aspects of himself to become more acceptable to me. I certainly wouldn't fundamentally change aspects of myself for anyone else.

Accept someone as they are or accept they're not for you.

He's already telling you he'd still like to do weed. He's very young and life is a long time to keep up a new persona imposed on you by someone else.

Adora10 · 25/05/2018 10:31

Stop blaming yourself or his inadequacy and it is his flaw, not yours!

Instead of feeling not good enough be honest, it's him that is not good enough, you will need to end it as it's not going to ever sit right with you, wouldn't with me either; I think he's pretty sad and you can do so much better.

Adora10 · 25/05/2018 10:31

for not or

cherrytrees123 · 25/05/2018 10:35

Your story is so so common these days. It's really sad. I agree that this isn't going to go away, it will just make you miserable. Why on earth would you be prepared to put up with this for the rest of your life? Poor sex and an addicted husband. I think you have to bite the bullet and leave. It's scary, but you are wasting your time with this man, he isn't going to change, because he doesn't want to.

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 25/05/2018 10:38

You are far too young to accept this as your life. He doesn’t respect your wishes, he’s bad in bed and he (probably) lies about smoking weed. You can do better.

Original poster
Anony123 · 25/05/2018 10:43

But anyone could tell you that he loves me because it's so obvious why can't He give up porn! Some people think flirting is wrong in a relationship but if I was to flirt he would go mad and say its wrong! (I dont think it's right to flirt). But why is that wrong for me to do but it's okay for him to watch porn even though he I feel it's on the same level of wrongness is a relationship

OP posts:
OhGrrr · 25/05/2018 10:45

It's not ok.

How os it obvious that he loves you?

Because it's not manifest in the most fundamental aspect of respect, is it?

Mytwistedimagination · 25/05/2018 10:47

He can't give up porn because he enjoys it too much to put any effort into giving it up!
Honestly, porn addicts are losers. And he deserves to lose you if he places porn above you in his priorities. Has he actually done anything to try and stop??

senioritabonita · 25/05/2018 10:49

I have 2 friends who are divorced because of porn addiction - it’s not uncommon and very hard to resolve. I’m one case the man was so used to masturbating in a very rough way that he wasn’t aroused by normal piv sex anymore.

People have different views on porn but think carefully before staying with a man who has lied to you repeatedly about something he knows is important to you and is prepared to put his pornography and masturbation habit before your happiness and security.
You are so young - don’t settle for this

OhGrrr · 25/05/2018 10:52

Bottom line is, you've already asked him to stop doing other things you don't like.

Who knows to what extent he has actualy given them up.

However much he 'loves' you, and however obvious it is to others that he 'loves' you, he is prioritisng porn over you.

Ultimately, it is more important to him than you are.

mholz · 25/05/2018 11:02

That is very controlling! He should be free to do whatever he wants. The OP can always find love elsewhere!

OhGrrr · 25/05/2018 11:10

I agree, mholz.

It is controlling.

Unfortunately, some women see men as a bit of a work in progress - something of an unpolished gemstone - and it is their role, as a woman, to mould and shape them into a good man and a decent partner.

When, in reality, nobody really changes who they are and by the time said women realise their mistake and that their 'diamond in the rough' is actually never going to be more acceptable to her than he is, there are children etc involved and they feel it's too late...

Original poster
Anony123 · 25/05/2018 11:10

I told him I don't want to stop him but he said he is willing for our relationship so I said okay. I'm not trying to be controlling, it was his decision to stay

OP posts:
Lynspop · 25/05/2018 11:11

I think you to chill about the porn. My wife actively encourages me to watch porn. It takes the pressure of her to have sex when she's not in the mood/on her period/whatever and is a safe and secure place to release sexual tension.

Porn has actively improved my sex life as you learn all the tips and tricks, which she benefits from.

He's not cheating on you. Try watching some porn together!

OhGrrr · 25/05/2018 11:12

Porn has actively improved my sex life as you learn all the tips and tricks, which she benefits from.

Has she actually told you this?

Because, I have to say, sex with men who use porn is not good at all! Grin

OhGrrr · 25/05/2018 11:13

I think you'd have to be spectacularly bad at sex for porn to improve your performance.

Original poster
Anony123 · 25/05/2018 11:16

That's great for you but it's doing the opposite for us. I actually did try to watch some porn together for him but it was awkward and he didn't enjoy it. Our sex life isn't good and porn is a big reason for that. I am willing to work on things without porn but he obviously isn't even though he said he is

OP posts:
Lynspop · 25/05/2018 11:19

Always just been good at sex, put in a lot of effort learning from porn so when I met my wife she is and remains incredibly satisfied

Original poster
Anony123 · 25/05/2018 11:20

Well my partner learned from porn and sex can sometimes be detached and unloving with him due to this (I spoke to him about it and he has worked on that) So porn might be great for you but not for us

OP posts: