Porn problems, I hate it!

[Anony123]

My boyfriend has watched porn from a young age and says he is addicted. He is 21. He always said he never watched porn but I caught it on his phone and got so upset. It broke my heart because I disagree with it when in a relationship. I feel like it affects our sex life as he learned about sex from porn and isnt amazing in the bedroom which I am okay with because what matters to me about sex is the intimacy. But also he was watching it a lot and we were having sex less which left me heart broken. When I found it I broke down in to tears and couldn't even look at him. The fact that he is getting off to skinny little porn stars makes me feel like I'm not enough for him and the fact that he was doing it so often broke me into pieces. I couldn't look at him, I felt horrible being naked in front of him. He wonders why I have body issues but him watching porn instead of coming to me really doesn't help! So I told him I can't be with someone who watches porn as I feel like it's betrayal and he said he would stop. But I found it on his phone last night and when I confronted him he said it's because he is addicted and he is trying to stop. I'm devastated! I don't know what to do! It's killing me but I really love him and our lo together and really don't want our relationship to end but don't want to be with someone who choses porn over his girlfriend and that I feel so horrible and unattractive to (even though he tells me I'm beautiful all the time)

I wouldn’t believe him. If you are living together I would ask him to move out or leave yourself until he can sort out his porn habit. He’s not going to stop because he thinks you won’t leave him.

Yeah he has one booked I know that because it's for his anxiety

Another vote for "porn makes bad lovers out of men". An ex of mine who was very into porn used to say, when asked by me for ANY foreplay, "you don't always need the full opera". This included just wanting to be kissed with tongues. I shit you not.

I think he is lazy and selfish in bed and using porn as an excuse op. Most young guys watch porn before they get with a woman, so you could say that most of them also learn about sex from porn. Also sex not being discussed in the home isn't unusual, especially years ago. But men still managed to learn from their partners what they like and what works for them. He has learned bad habits but he can unlearn them with some effort on his part, the question is how willing is he to try. Don't put up with his 'addiction' and don't put up with shit sex, life is too short.

I'm really struggling on what to do. Him watching porn is ruining our relationship and my trust in him. He said he will talk about it when he goes to counselling and he signed up for nofap when I showed it to him. But he promised me a couple of weeks ago that he would stop watching it and then I found it on his phone as he watched it on Wednesday. I really opened up to him crying about it saying that we have a little girl now like the girls on porn have fathers and maybe in relationships. And he said that me saying that has made him look at it differently. But I don't know it's such a hard place to be in!

I’d give him the opportunity to address it. Quitting an addiction of any kind is extremelu difficult and will only happen if he actually wants to quit. If he doesn’t you’re wasting your time. If you love him then by all means give him the opportunity to change but be realistic about whether it’s likely.

Whatever you decide to do I can recommend joining a private Facebook group called whole hearted peer support group .. it's for partners of people with porn addiction xx stay strong OP

Personally I feel like you're wasting your time. The fact that you had to point out to him that women in porn are human beings and it took having a daughter to make him see it would have me running for the hills.

OP - you don’t have a future in this relationship. You are not compatible.

You have issues with the way he masturbates. And that isn’t something that he can really change. He can try to pretend, and will feel bad about the way you feel about it, etc. But in the end - it’s how he’s grown up and he will never share your opinion. And eventually would resent you.

And you - your issues with it - is less the morality of it - because even if he were better in bed and only watched ethical porn - I have a feeling you’d still not liked it.

Anyway. Sorry. It won’t work.
Luckily - you both are still young and can move on and find more suitable partners.

My ex became addicted to porn. He was actually quite a good lover in the beginning but the porn affected his sex drive (to the point where we were only having sex a couple of times a year) and also his ability to ejaculate (he eventually couldn’t come through any kind of sex at all). It was immensely upsetting and frustrating to be turned down for sex over and over again and then to find his dirty tissues in our bed (sorry if TMI!). I actually find it really sad that he made himself into a bad lover, and eventually lost me as his partner, mostly as a result of this porn addiction.

I’ve also realised something else. The last couple of men I’ve slept with haven’t gone down on me... ever. I’ve done it to them, which is something I enjoy doing, but I never once got it back. This has to be related to porn too, doesn’t it? God, how depressing this all is.

@OneThingMissing

Why would it have to be related to porn? Plenty of oral sex in there.

As to why the men you’ve been with didn’t do it - have you told them you wanted it? Asked why they haven’t done it? Showed them how you like it?
I find that it’s always better to talk about things you like and don’t - rather than expect people to read your mind.

Oh there's plenty of oral sex in porn. It usually the Male on the receiving end of it though.
Any time oral sex is performed on a woman in porn it's solely so the Male viewer can have a close up of the actresses genitals. Nothing to do with with her pleasure.

We share tenancy to a council house though that we literally just moved in to and all his family is back in Ireland so I'm fucked anyway

@TheBogWitchIsBack

Another poster linked lack of her men’s desire to perform oral sex to porn. And I just said - doesn’t have to be linked to that.

Oral sex in porn - is meant for the viewer. Male, or female.
Plenty of women watch it too.

Yes, because so many men are watching niche porn made for women where oral sex is the focus 🙄

Porn is inherently selfish. It’s all about the viewer’s pleasure (which is disturbing in itself given the content). No surprise at all that men who watch a lot of porn end up being selfish in bed.

Also he admitted that he watched it on Wednesday to get back at me as we were in a fight

Well that's a lie for a start. He watched it because he wanted to, upsetting you was only a happy little bonus.
Op he really sounds like a dick. You can do better and you deserve better.

He sounds awful. Doing something that he knows will really upset you during an argument is just immature and shitty

I’d end it for that comment alone - if that’s true he’s a very unpleasant person.

And what kind of person who’s so distressed from an argument that they want to hurt their partner would be in a fit state to have a wank?

We share tenancy to a council house though that we literally just moved in to and all his family is back in Ireland so I'm fucked anyway! What am I supposed to do?

OP - you are 21.
Get out and live your life.

Nothing will change in your relationship.

What’s your financial situation OP? Are you working or staying home with your little one? How old is your child? I’d be building an exit strategy and see how this plays out.

I'm just about to start a new job but would be working nights but that's not going to work out now if we break up. Financial he is working part time 4 hours a day and we live in a council house. She is 7 months nearly 8