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Original poster

Porn problems, I hate it!

210 replies

Anony123 · 25/05/2018 09:13

My boyfriend has watched porn from a young age and says he is addicted. He is 21. He always said he never watched porn but I caught it on his phone and got so upset. It broke my heart because I disagree with it when in a relationship. I feel like it affects our sex life as he learned about sex from porn and isnt amazing in the bedroom which I am okay with because what matters to me about sex is the intimacy. But also he was watching it a lot and we were having sex less which left me heart broken. When I found it I broke down in to tears and couldn't even look at him. The fact that he is getting off to skinny little porn stars makes me feel like I'm not enough for him and the fact that he was doing it so often broke me into pieces. I couldn't look at him, I felt horrible being naked in front of him. He wonders why I have body issues but him watching porn instead of coming to me really doesn't help! So I told him I can't be with someone who watches porn as I feel like it's betrayal and he said he would stop. But I found it on his phone last night and when I confronted him he said it's because he is addicted and he is trying to stop. I'm devastated! I don't know what to do! It's killing me but I really love him and our lo together and really don't want our relationship to end but don't want to be with someone who choses porn over his girlfriend and that I feel so horrible and unattractive to (even though he tells me I'm beautiful all the time)

OP posts:
Wellfuckmeinbothears · 25/05/2018 13:17

Op sorry for hijacking your thread.

Honestly I don’t think this can be resolved, he’s choosing to disrespect you and continuing to do something he knows is hurting you. Porn is acceptable to some people, for you it’s not and that’s ok. You don’t need to accept something that makes you unhappy. You deserve better x

Typeractive · 25/05/2018 13:21

female pornstars DO get off while doing porn

I've watched a lot of porn in my time and, excluding very niche female masturbation vids, I've NEVER seen a porn actress even fake an orgasm, let alone have one for real. Mainstream porn has no interest in the female orgasm.

xbeex · 25/05/2018 13:25

Back to the point of your post OP.

From a perspective of someone who stayed..
I'm 2.5yrs on from disclosure.. i learnt at counselling that I have betrayal trauma and I get triggered daily with PTSD symptoms and it's a real struggle. I'm not sure I can get past it and it's not something I can discuss with anyone- friends, family etc

It's a very lonely place to be a wife of a sex addict and I would have got out if I had found it before I was married with a baby x sorry OP but it is bleak, my husband is trying he really is, but years of hiding his shame is difficult to break and it's a continual cycle x

TheBogWitchIsBack · 25/05/2018 13:28

I once dated a guy who watched tonnes of porn. The sex was awful, so bad I faked my orgasm to make it end, that's how bad it was.
Did he know it was fake? No, because he'd never seen a real one.
Did he care? Absolutely fucking not, because he was conditioned by porn to only care about himself.
That relationship lasted 8 months and it was the worst sex of my life.

TammySwansonTwo · 25/05/2018 14:05

So refreshing to see a porn addiction thread where the majority of responses aren’t telling the OP they’re being unreasonable.

We are so far down the rabbit hole that women have been convinced they must accept this, and not doing so makes them prudish.

Remember - nobody needs porn. Masturbation without porn is perfectly possible and we’ve gotten to a ridiculous point where we can’t even question it, where it’s often a young person’s first exposure to sex, where young people (men in particular) can watch the most extreme, degrading sexual acts with no understanding or context. The damage this can do to someone developing sexually cannot be overstated.

My advice is to you is don’t negotiate. If he’s still accessing porn then he will continue to do so increasingly, in secret. You wouldn’t be okay with a heroin addict shooting up once a week, because you’d know they’d be doing it more frequently and hiding it. This is the same. If he wants to quit he would have to be very committed, use adult filters on his phone and devices, not take his phone into the bathroom etc. It’s extremely hard to quit when you’re constantly carrying it around in your pocket.

Stilltryingtomoveon · 25/05/2018 14:28

OP I think I would leave, he doesn't sound prepared to do anything about it. For those who say porn addiction is not real, it is in some people, those who have addictive natures will get addicted to whatever makes them feel good.

Everything xbeex has written on here could have been written by me, except we didn't go down the counselling route instead trying to bumble along on our own. I first discovered that porn was an issue over five years ago then it was cams, online hookup sites, then hidden cameras/voyeurism . Two years on from the last disclosure and I think he has stopped but actually no longer care, the damage is done. I have no respect for him and I'm rarely interested in sex. It just suits me to not get divorced.

Oddly DH is very very good and considerate in bed, which is at odds with porn addicts in general but his addiction started when he was older, due to 'new' internet access. I'm fearful for teenage males having this access from such a young age.

OhGrrr · 25/05/2018 14:35

I agree, Tammy.

I just find it baffling that some people would consider a woman a prude because she has no interest in watching strangers having badly faked sex!

I'd much rather be doing it than watching it.

yetmorecrap · 25/05/2018 14:37

Stlltrying, I have the same issue and feel the same. My h doesn’t know how much I know though,—— yet

xbeex · 25/05/2018 14:37

Oh @Stilltryingtomoveon I feel for you I really do 😞

& as @TammySwansonTwo says, it is refreshing to see a thread with majority not blaming the OP for this type of behaviour..

I'll repost this as I found is very insightful about how porn culture has become our norm.. uktvplay.uktv.co.uk/shows/addicted-to-porn/watch-online/

Average age of boys 1st viewing porn is 9yrs old (not sure of the age of girls) so it's understandable this is becoming more of a common issue and sadly one I can only see getting worse. Good luck OP whatever you decide to do xx

TammySwansonTwo · 25/05/2018 14:40

Ah yes, the hidden cameras. Been there too. Absolutely fucking awful.

xbeex · 25/05/2018 14:44

For me he never was even bothered about hiding them for me.. it's always been about other women 😞 how can you get past that, I'm not convinced I can but I am trying.

@yetmorecrap I hid my knowledge for a while too, it is important to find out as much as you can as he will minimise it.. my dh was honest about it when I asked him but didn't divulge any other behaviour & would never openly admit to anything without being prompted.. so it took 18months to fully understand the level of his issues. Hope you are ok xx

Original poster
Anony123 · 25/05/2018 15:03

It just kills me because he would do anything for our relationship to work but he won't do this. He moved to another country with me and moved in with my family who he never bloody met before but he can't give up porn. He has learned his sex habits from porn and is selfish like the men in porn where it teaches them to only care about themselves and not the woman. Now we have talked about that and he is working on it but yet I still find porn on his phone!!

OP posts:
TheBogWitchIsBack · 25/05/2018 15:07

I think he's made it pretty clear where his priorities are.
He's prioritising his desire to watch porn over the health of your relationship.
That would be the nail in the coffin for me.

Wallywobbles · 25/05/2018 15:13

@Lynspop
There is pretty much nothing that I've seen in modern porn that would improve my sex life. You'd need no nerve endings for most of it to even be worth considering.

xbeex · 25/05/2018 15:19

I guess your choice is to leave or stay! If you do stay he needs to recognise it's an addiction and try to find the underlying cause for his behaviour.

This will take time and counselling and you have to be prepared for slips and falls.

He may well be in complete denial and feel he doesn't need help. When you talk to him try to concentrate on why this is an issue to you (lack of intimacy, selfish attitude, lies etc) as it's likely he will make out it's you at fault to try to shift the blame and minimise it x

Lovemusic33 · 25/05/2018 15:25

Just tell him it’s you or the porn, stay strong and walk away if he continues.

I don’t hate porn but I do agreee that it ruins men in the bedroom, porn isn’t real, it teaches men howc o pleasure themselves and not their partner and I agree it makes them selfish and rubbish in bed.

OhGrrr · 25/05/2018 15:29

When you talk to him try to concentrate on why this is an issue to you (lack of intimacy, selfish attitude, lies etc) as it's likely he will make out it's you

Tbh, I think men more be more likely to respond to "it makes you crap in bed". If he were going to be bothered about the intimacy issues, he already would be.

xbeex · 25/05/2018 15:31

Yes good point @OhGrrr maybe I should have got in first with that one with mine!

OhGrrr · 25/05/2018 15:31

OP what you mean is that he is willing to do anything that doesn't impact upon him.

He isn't willing to do anything.

TheBogWitchIsBack · 25/05/2018 15:35

You'd need no nerve endings for most of it to even be worth considering

The women taking part in these kinds of acts are using numbing gels and a lot of them need to take drugs to get through it.
That tells me everything I need to know.
Any man who gets off on that is not someone I want to have sex with.

Adora10 · 25/05/2018 15:55

The women taking part in these kinds of acts are using numbing gels and a lot of them need to take drugs to get through it.

I did wonder how they kept going and took such a pounding lol.

OP, he clearly does not care enough if he is prioritising that shit over a real relationship with you; he's not the one, there are a lot better out there.

Huskylover1 · 25/05/2018 16:09

Totally CRINGING, that a man could possibly think, that watching Porn makes him a better lover.

No, it really, really doesn't. And do you know why?

Because 99% of porn, is made with male enjoyment in mind. If you actually watch porn in the "female friendly" category, you will see that it's an entirely different kind of sex. There is foreplay, massage, kissing, sensuality and slow sex.

Porn for men, is full of the perpetual rough handed jack hammer, that pounds on and on forever, and the woman never orgasms, like EVER. Because she's bored shitless.

I slept with a "jack hammer" man once, good god it was AWFUL.

Lovemusic33 · 25/05/2018 16:23

Exactly Husky ,seems the only person in this thread thinking porn makes a better lover is a man.

I have been with several men that have been into porn, one actually injured me (I was only 18 at the time), another was very selfish in bed and only happy when he was getting all the pleasure. Porn ruins sex.

Original poster
Anony123 · 25/05/2018 17:17

I asked him what he is going to do about it and he said he will mention it in therapy as he is starting therapy soon and has an appointment already booked. But how do I know he is telling the truth? How do I know to believe him?? I am so hurt right now

OP posts:
Frosty66612 · 25/05/2018 17:19

He has a counselling session booked?! I wouldn’t believe that if I were you. Maybe go along and wait outside. I bet he won’t want you to do that as hes Lying