I was married to a man like this for over 20 years, together for 30. We met at uni. I was bright, ambitious, lots of friends, fairly confident. I got a first (as did he).
He was always prone to the odd outburst of ridiculous behaviour, which was all designed to have everyone running around him, putting him first, but I was a strong woman so I ignored those instances and carried on because I loved the charming person he was in
between them and they were rare.
Then I had a child, who turned out to be disabled, followed by two more DC. Having a child was the turning point. He no longer had to control himself because I was trapped. Over the years he emotionally tortured me, there is no other description for it.
I was too fat, too dull, he was embarrassed to be seen with me, my conversation at a supper with friends had been boring, they all despised me, what was I for? He was embarrassed to be seen with me. The rants could go on for hours and he did not stop until he had reduced me to hysteria. I lived for the times in between when he was nice.
I carried on working long hours (minimum 12 hour days) in a stressful job, dealing with everything to do with the DC and running two homes as well because hey, I was the strong competent one, just pile it on, I can take it.
I have no idea how I carried on as long as I did except that I desperately wanted my children to be brought up in a family (my dad cheated on my mum and they lived together in a state of fairly open warfare for the next 30 years).
But it took its toll: I developed an eating disorder (a classic case of eating your feelings), I was isolated, I lost all my confidence at work and was eventually fired, I had a nervous breakdown. I still get flashbacks of him ranting at me now years later.
He did me a favour in the end. I found out he had been cheating on me throughout all our time together and eventually, though far too slowly, I divorced him. That was five years ago. He took most of our assets in the divorce, I didn't care, i just wanted to be free and I knew he needed to feel he had "won" in order for the final court order to be agreed.
The fucker still won't leave me alone, he has me going back to court in September because he wants to get out of paying even what he does pay.
Life without him is infinitely better though, but there is no doubt he ruined my life. I will never contemplate another relationship because I got out of this one with my sanity barely intact.
Learn from my mistakes OP.