Mind games. Tying me in knots!

[woosey35]

Dh can be the most charming man. He can show me love, affection etc. But more so he can show me disapproval. I don’t feel he respects anything I do. He’s got to be better than me. He never seems proud of anything I do.
If he’s tired he becomes aggressive. He’s verbally threatening. I’ve tried standing up for myself but he then turns it round on me saying I’ve made him behave like that because I just ‘go on at him’. I really don’t though. I try and smooth things over all the time. Try and make our lives calm etc. Yesterday he became tired and flipped again. Out of the blue swearing at me and throwing things in temper onto the ground. I didn’t react this time. Just stood and watched him in disbelief. He stopped, looked at me and then told me to take my ‘f-ing angelic face off’, and my ‘f-ing soft voice somewhere else’. I walked away. He then later asked if I’d calmed down enough for him to be able to speak normally!!!!!! He ties me in knots..I want to know what to say to him for him to know I’m not a walk over. For him to be clear I don’t intend to argue or give his moods power!!
This morning, we were chatting normally over breakfast. Inside I was still hurt but I acted as normally as possible, and engaged fully in conversation. As he got up, he told me I was ‘sulking and my face wasn’t filled with fun!’
I seriously love him and love his nice side. But I feel I almost have to earn it and be grateful to see that side. And if I don’t meet the grade, I see his punishment. Believe me....if I knew how to 100% meet the grade, I’d do it!! I try but it’s so volatile

An old friend had a boyfriend like this. She recognised it but kept seeing him. He utterly destroyed her. We had to step away as she refused to listen to us. She loves him and makes excuses for his abuse.

Her mental health deteriorated and she was sectioned; she has never fully recovered. She blames herself for him dumping her when she needed the most help. He won't completely leave her alone but flits back every time she seemed to recover.

Everyone (friends/family/counsellors/mental health team) tells her that he is a cruel man and is harming her but she has refused to listen.

He does not love her - his actions show this very clearly. She was a top student at a very good university. She is now unemployable.

I'm sorry you are going through this OP. He is abusive and he will never change but I understand that 20 years makes it difficult for you to see this.

He only does well at work as people need something from him, everyone will think he is a twat and to be honest I've noticed that people are starting to not put up with this sort of behaviour in the workplace (finally) so another 10 years and he will find he is not as successful as he once was.

Woosey I am exhausted reading all of this. God knows how you've put up with it for so long. Well, I do know because I was there and my relationship only last for 4 years before I saw the light and ended it.

Everything was 'in my head'. His rages were my fault because I 'wound him up'.

Please, please, please do the reading suggested on this thread. Contact Women's Aid. Talk to people in real life. Do you have any friends you can confide in?

Start to imagine life on your terms. You say you don't know how you would cope. Really? I think you would SOAR.

Be brave. Start to see this for what it really is. No-one can help you until you want or decide to help yourself.

The fact that you posted on here in the first place is a fantastic first step. Start to think about what your second, third and fourth steps could be.

woosey35 Omg i want to reach in and give you a hug i really do.
I haven't ready it all, but iv read a fair bit. First of all i totally understand the still loving him, its not logically but he has altered your prospective on life, he gives you tip bits of a nice man and thats what you hold on to. Unless you have been there with an abusive partner its very very hard to understand.
I am mid divorce from an abusive husband, emotionally and financially, first of all no one believed me, not even myself. It was my solicitor that pointed it out, she was 100% correct. I believe in a lot of cases you unintentionally become so co dependent on each other. He has de powered you by putting you down and making you doubt yourself, but you have in powered him by allowing that to happen, hence a toxic relationship.
Lifes all about them and you end up being their sidekick with your needs not met.

My husband left me and out two young children, i honestly wondered how i would cope. I also believe he thought i wouldn't cope either, his behaviour has become so so much worse and he has been threatened with a restraining order twice.
Please take some time to sit back and consider whats actually going on here, who is the one who is gaining, because its certainly not you!!

Oh Woosey, I've been you. It is an awful realisation but you can't change this man. He is a narcissist and has you dancing to his tune. You will never win, because you can't with a man like this. All that will happen is that your self-esteem will be slowly eroded and you will be destroyed one cut at a time.

Please listen to everyone on here advising you to get out while you still can.

It’s a very well pandering to your abuser and playing little games, but you chose to have a kid with the abuser and she will -I guarantee you- be being damaged by being made to live in an abusive home. No excuses, she will be learning this is what men do, keep them happy, walk on eggshells, try to protect her mother, cortisol and adrenaline flooding her body, effecting her for life.

I do know how you feel. I as having a fun night out with him and some friends the other night and at a point I was talking over very loud music he said, keep your voice down , you are way too loud (we are talking pub where lots of people talking loudly , not classical concert etc) not only was I not particularly loud, It really took the shine off for I felt. It's little digs like this that can kill things. My h has terrible car rage as well, calls everyone c*s , pr**s, etc (this is a middle class guy) and always beeping others. I hate it, makes me on edge. He then says I don't get it because I don't drive. I do get it, I've had a previous marriage and another long term relationship and they didn't do it. The problem is Woosey, it's easy to become conditioned to unpleasant behaviour and many of us try and ignore it so as not to create bad vibes!!

OP, you can love someone and not be with them. Love is the easy bit. You can leave because you're being treated appallingly.

I've been where you are twice. It was an act of self love that enabled me to walk away both times.

If you can, ask yourself, 'Is this really what I want?' Think of him exactly as he is now, think of how you're feeling, how you're acting. Could you be with this man for the rest of your life, with no change, just as he is? Can you do that to yourself? Please, be honest with yourself.

Itsthequietones that is lovely advice. U definately can love someone and still walk away because u deserve better treatment

He is a typical abuser, offering you scraps that keep you coming back for more. But you are worth so much more

I can’t quite believe what I’m reading, why let this arsehole treat you like this? Why bend over backwards when you know nothing will ever be right or good enough in his eyes

Never have I meant this more - LTB

My marriage was like this too. The tone of voice, look on my face, the way I sat, the way I walked... it was all wrong and do you know why?

I think it was because it was evidence to him of how he had broken me. I slouched, I looked down, I never smiled, I spoke quietly or in a false cheery voice. he knew that my behaviour was a direct result of his treatment and he didn't want to be reminded of it.

The thing with people who pick fights is that it is nothing to do with you. They need the physical and mental release that they get from getting angry. They are left feeling better afterwards and everyone else around them feels shellshocked. It's great for them - their anger is released, they feel calm and it becomes a destructive pattern.

I left my husband 18 months ago and I still am not fully recovered. But my anxiety has gone, my daughter is thriving, I'm independent and I feel happy most of the time. Best of all I am not pandering to anyone else's moods.

Do you really, truly love him though OP? When you've been with someone for a long time and become conditioned to the behaviour, doesn't it become more of a habit than actual love, the fear of being alone or the unknown?

I had a child with a man who was constantly questioning my face/reactions/voice tone, blaming his behaviour on me, belittling me, withholding affection until I deserved it, trapping me in long, exhausting conversations (well more like monologues) where he assassinated my character. I got out and I was scared, scared I wouldn't find anyone again, scared of being alone, scared of being a lone parent, scared that maybe it was really me and I was the person he was making me out to be. It was the best thing I ever did for myself and my daughter.

I struggled and went on self destruct mode for a while, but I got through it and now I'm much happier. I've been in a relationship for the last three years with a lovely man, he has his faults, as do I, and I still carry the scars of that relationship, but life is good 😊. It's a normal life, not perfect, but nobody's is. It's not the toxic, mind playing battle ground where I was anxious, on edge and deeply unhappy. I really suggest you do the same and leave your husband. You deserve so much more. You deserve respect and kindness, not snippets of these depending on how he feels. You need to stop worrying about how to engage with him, or counteract his games and disengage altogether. Is this what you want for the rest of your life? Everyone deserves happiness and peace in their lives.

He’s making you feel that his anger is your fault all the time - that is so unfair. Something need to change here and I hope you have the strength to do it.

you can love someone and not be with them. Love is the easy bit. You can leave because you're being treated appallingly.

Thank you for writing this ones. It’s very wise and reinforces that I made the right decision to end my own abusive relationship, despite still being in love with him.

Op nothing you do, say, stage, act will ever be good enough. Because he is an abiding arsehole.

just as a benchmark of where you are at with this man, of my dp told me to fuck off, even once, then he would be out of the door. You seem to find that normal. It's not.

You will not win against this violent, abusive bully, no matter what lines someone gives you to recite.

And if you think his behaviour isn't affecting your daughter, think again. It is. It will affect her for the rest of her life.

Expatinspain - omg that’s exactly how Dh is!!!!!! Questioning my face/reactions/voice tone, belittling me, blaming his behaviour on me, withholding affection until I deserve it, Long monologues where he assassinates my character. How did you react when he did this?? What’s your initial reaction to this?? Did you get upset, go quiet, or answer back?? If I get upset, it makes him more angry. If I go quiet to try and diffuse it, I’m sulking! If I answer back....then that’s ‘caused the row’ and it’s now my fault that he’s angry!!!!!!! Then I’m left questioning....I wasn’t the cause..I answered back when he assassinated me. That’s it. HE started it. But I’m left doubting that and think maybe it was me!! Who can get angry without being made to be angry?! How does that happen?! That’s why he ties me in knots!! Leaves me feeling fucked up. Then obviously my face shows I’m confused, so that’s wrong. Then my voice isn’t cheery, it’s false cheery and not good enough.......

Read that back, on what planet is that acceptable?

I guess because it’s not ALL the time. It’s sporadic. It’s phasic. Just as I relax into thinking things are ok, it happens again. Lasts a few weeks then he’s nice again. Prob more like it tho than not if I’m honest with myself.
My first thought when he walks through the door is ‘is he ok or not’

Jeeezzzz.
The shit some women will put up with never ceases to amaze me.
Anything for the 'love of a man'
Why oh why oh why are you putting yourself and your poor DC though all of this.
What a piss-poor example of a relationship to set for your DC.

Look at your co-dependency issues and also look at your people please tendencies.
It's not wonder women are so fucking down-trodden.
We allow men to walk all over us with no consequences for their actions.
Wake up and smell the coffee OP.
This is taking the fucking piss and you know it.
You are enabling this behaviour.
And therefore enabling your DC to repeat it or put up with it in their own relationships later in life.
NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!!

OPjust because it's not all the time doesn't make it intolerable / inexcusable. You just read about the nice / nasty cycle...

No one's abusive all the time. The thing is, there's no amount of this that's acceptable. Not 1% of the time, not 10%, not 50%. Even if he's amazing most of the time, this level of control, assholery, abuse is just not ok and you shouldn't have to put up with it.
Sounds like your DD is having a very hard time. She shouldn't be facing a parent / home environment like this (and neither should you!). Please start getting your ducks in a row to leave.
Maybe one small thing you could do: try to focus on what you think, even if just in your posts here. You are very focused on his behaviour, what he does, what he's going to do, how he feels.
But don't think that there's a way for you to be that he won't be an asshole about - if you're smiley it'll be too smiley or if you are understated it's too understated. Understand that he wants to pick a fight and you don't control his behaviour with yours; he can pick on whatever, and will, by the sound of it! Be honest with yourself about your own needs, thoughts, feelings, and your DD's and less focused on him, how he'll react, what he thinks, what he'll do.

I feel OP's head is reeling, reading posts here from women who've suffered under similar bullying. I expect she thought she was living with a unique, complex, "respected" successful man - and now has to deal with the knowledge that he is merely another script perfect abuser.

Fabulous to read that so many women got out of the situation, and are obviously MUCH happier, although it takes time, I know. I hope OP finds the same strength.

OP, I always argued back. Our relationship became probably even worse than yours. I grew up watching women be bullied and it made me fierce. When he tried to put me down, I would give it back to him 100%. We came to blows after he used the deepest and most terrible things in my life as a rod to beat me with, then he blamed that on me and then he had something over me where I was as bad as him. Then my mental health started to go. I changed, blamed myself for things, he gaslighted - even in counselling (well he only lasted two sessions as he wasn't happy that the therapist wasn't siding with him). I truly became the worst version of myself. I tried to beat him at his mind games and sometimes I did, but it never made me feel strong or powerful, like he felt. Because I'm not a narcissist, hurting people isn't my thing. It just hurt me more and made me unhappier because the relationship drew further and further away from anything that I actually wanted it to be.

You MUST leave! There is nothing left for you and this man isn't going to change. He's never going to be the man you once knew. That man never existed. He was a fallacy. He was the mask your husband wore (knowingly or I knowingly) at the beginning, when he was his 'best' self.