Mind games. Tying me in knots!

[woosey35]

Dh can be the most charming man. He can show me love, affection etc. But more so he can show me disapproval. I don’t feel he respects anything I do. He’s got to be better than me. He never seems proud of anything I do.
If he’s tired he becomes aggressive. He’s verbally threatening. I’ve tried standing up for myself but he then turns it round on me saying I’ve made him behave like that because I just ‘go on at him’. I really don’t though. I try and smooth things over all the time. Try and make our lives calm etc. Yesterday he became tired and flipped again. Out of the blue swearing at me and throwing things in temper onto the ground. I didn’t react this time. Just stood and watched him in disbelief. He stopped, looked at me and then told me to take my ‘f-ing angelic face off’, and my ‘f-ing soft voice somewhere else’. I walked away. He then later asked if I’d calmed down enough for him to be able to speak normally!!!!!! He ties me in knots..I want to know what to say to him for him to know I’m not a walk over. For him to be clear I don’t intend to argue or give his moods power!!
This morning, we were chatting normally over breakfast. Inside I was still hurt but I acted as normally as possible, and engaged fully in conversation. As he got up, he told me I was ‘sulking and my face wasn’t filled with fun!’
I seriously love him and love his nice side. But I feel I almost have to earn it and be grateful to see that side. And if I don’t meet the grade, I see his punishment. Believe me....if I knew how to 100% meet the grade, I’d do it!! I try but it’s so volatile

Well done OP. Sometimes people take advantage of push overs, what u showed him was that you are not a push over and can think for urself and don’t internalise his critisim.

He does though have an unhealthy way of dealing with negativity, and its worryin that he prys on weaknesses of others to feel better about his own issues. He needs help.. he won’t change till he gets help but u standing up to him might make him think many times and reassess his ways.

But in the meanwhile, do him a favour and don’t allow him to think it’s ok to take advantage of ur sweetness.. be very sweet when u feel like it, not because he scared u into it.

When he wants to shake ur confidence, stand solid and show him what ur made of. Don’t get rude , because we don’t want to exaggerate the situation into something abhsive .. he might well be capable of that- I can’t tell.. but do stay confident and let him know that ur starting to see things ..

He got scared that ur starting to see his flaws .. it’s scary because he is scared to lose u ... but he very well should be scared and start fixing up Because you will be leaving f if he doesn’t fix up.

The thing is, he shouldn't be putting you in the position where you are having to stand up to him. On what level can that be right or acceptable? Next time he starts, and he will, tell him in no uncertain terms that he's clearly unhappy being married to you and tell him to start divorce proceedings.

Yummy that’s an awful lot of work, and for what? What exactly is the OP going to achieve by doing that?

Rachelteeth - I’m absolutely NOT putting ‘cock before kid’ as you so delicately put it!! Im merely trying to gain strength in myself so I’m strong for my children.

Lechat, the point is to give OP ways to become strong in herself so she can make her own decisions... immmot here to tell her how to proceed in her relationship because that’s her call to make ... but I’m here to tell her to become strong and how to do it... to not internalise critism and not let the person infront of her win in doing so..

Once she does that, I’m certain she will be clear headed enough to fix things for herself in whatever way she pleases. I don’t know her or her DH to judge but I can very well judge by her writing that she is weakened by it and needs to resist internalising. Sometimes standing up for urself and verbalising is the first step.

All the play acting you do around this man must be exhausting. It seems there is no normal conversation at all - that you gage your tone of voice as well as the words you say. For what, exactly? To try to appease a bully? It will make you ill, eventually.

Yummy I think you’re just encouraging OP to drag this out. The trouble with ‘standing up’ to men like this is it will likely only get worse. It’s just going to wind him up even more and I worry the OP is at risk of physical abuse.

Yummy I honestly think you are a damaging influence.

I wrote a mail to my 4 closest friends explaining I was ending my relationship with an abusive prick in the early hours and distressed the other morning.

I’m still being a bit soft and finding NC hard, but one of my dearest said, read what you sent us, and imagine one of your friends sending that. What would you say?

If your best friend were actually telling you her husband was doing this, what would you say?

It’s not about taking the ball out of play, it’s about walking away and starting again.

This will be the way until his dying day. You don’t mock people you love for their kindness.

And never drop your kindness just because his standards are so fucking low.

The look of shock on his face when you said you hated him, what exactly does he think you’re going to feel?

Seriously, I could cry that’s so familiar. What a bully. You don’t want DD seeing him doing that to you.

Lechat and wally, I respect ur opinions..I might very well be a pushover.

OP just please make sure u read all the comments, read a book, then ask a close friend/relative for support. Forum opinions aren’t enough.

Yummy they’re not saying you are a pushover, they are pointing out that following your advice could put the OP at risk.

I found out the hard way that this type of man does not like to have the boundaries tested and they often resort to other methods to attempt to gain control.

*re-gain control that should say.

Just moved his clothes from the bed that he’d dumped down. Been told I don’t respect his belongings enough to touch them. That’s after being told, despite being ill today, that my face is miserable and I’m not bouyant enough for him. I’m done!!

Good for you OP. What’s the plan?

Currently in France in a motorhome with him!!

Feel eroded!!

When do you get back?

You could always take your DC and travel back on your own.

Woosey.

I've been here. 17 years ago I left.

Bear with me a minute.

At uni, I studied Psychology. I think it was Watson (although it was over 20 years since I left, so I could be wrong) that studied the behaviour of rats.
He would have them in a box with a lever. The lever, when pressed, would deliver a food pellet. Once the rat discovered this, they would press it every time it wanted food. They then mixed it up a bit. They would only deliver the pellet on the 5th press, or 10th, or after 5 mins (no matter how often the rat pressed it). The rat learnt it was 5 presses, or to wait 5 mins and then press it.

There was only one experiment that got the rat to press that button over and over frantically. Ie, the rat was obsessed or addicted to pressing that button. And that was when Watson used a random method. He would use 5 mins then 6 presses then 10 mins then 20 presses. Etc. Tgat rat had no idea when that pellet was coming. It couldn't figure out a pattern and therefore just tried everything.....in hope.

The one area that this method is must successful in life is gambling. It's what makes people keep trying in hope.

It's not the only area. People (and it's usually women) are caught up in this cycle in abusive relationships. Exceot instead if a food pellet, they are looking for that nice guy, the love, the kindness, that he randomly shows to keep them reeled in.

They mistakenly think that the horrible him is the anomaly and the real him if the nice loving guy. When really the awful abusive him is the real him and the nice him is a part he needs to play in order to kerp you playing the game.

He doesn't want you to win. He doesn't want you to be strong and empowered. The game is to treat you terribly and in your place, Ie, below him. If you have a smart answer he will escalate. That could mean, he will think of a new insult, or a reply to your strong answer, or he may just hit you.

He does not view you as his equal. You are not going to become his equal by giving him back chat (this is how he sees it). He will just think he needs to up the game. More random behaviour to keep you addicted.

You can't win a rigged game with an unreasonable and irrational human being. The only way to win is to stop playing the game. HIS game.

Read Lundy Bancroft....like, yesterday.

That was Skinner, not Watson misses point

Yes. It was. Thanks.

Was Watson- little Albert.

A very good analogy.

Oh yes, Watson was Little Albert. A horrible experiment

Sorry for mistakes and typos. I have fat fingers and no inclination/patience to proof read.

And I always used to refer to this behaviour as 'spaghetti head'. So many twists and turns, half truths, twisting facts, misinterpreting what you say, gas lighting etc, that you can't argue back, because you are too confused and/or don't know where to start.

I use to say;

If only he would listen to me
If only I could make him see
If only he would let me explain

And it took my DM saying,

But he won't
But you can't

That the lightbulb went off.

He is NEVER going to see it. EVER

He's not being wilful or even an obtuse arse. He is broken. He fundamentally believes you are useless, annoying, not smart etc.

He probably has a personality disorder.

Lundy Bancroft worked with these men for over 20 years and categorically stated that very few can be fixed.