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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mind games. Tying me in knots!

217 replies

woosey35 · 21/05/2018 12:24

Dh can be the most charming man. He can show me love, affection etc. But more so he can show me disapproval. I don’t feel he respects anything I do. He’s got to be better than me. He never seems proud of anything I do.
If he’s tired he becomes aggressive. He’s verbally threatening. I’ve tried standing up for myself but he then turns it round on me saying I’ve made him behave like that because I just ‘go on at him’. I really don’t though. I try and smooth things over all the time. Try and make our lives calm etc. Yesterday he became tired and flipped again. Out of the blue swearing at me and throwing things in temper onto the ground. I didn’t react this time. Just stood and watched him in disbelief. He stopped, looked at me and then told me to take my ‘f-ing angelic face off’, and my ‘f-ing soft voice somewhere else’. I walked away. He then later asked if I’d calmed down enough for him to be able to speak normally!!!!!! He ties me in knots..I want to know what to say to him for him to know I’m not a walk over. For him to be clear I don’t intend to argue or give his moods power!!
This morning, we were chatting normally over breakfast. Inside I was still hurt but I acted as normally as possible, and engaged fully in conversation. As he got up, he told me I was ‘sulking and my face wasn’t filled with fun!’
I seriously love him and love his nice side. But I feel I almost have to earn it and be grateful to see that side. And if I don’t meet the grade, I see his punishment. Believe me....if I knew how to 100% meet the grade, I’d do it!! I try but it’s so volatile

OP posts:
Desmondo2016 · 27/05/2018 22:12

He won't ever change. Stop trying to justify his behaviour and adapting yours to pacify him.

If you want to demonstrate strength to your dc then leave him.

If you have no intention of leaving him then just accept that he will never change and you will always feel like this, and worse.

Oh and he doesn't think he's a knob. Ever. He doesn't reflect on his abusive behaviour or even give a shit about it. He enjoys it. It's who He is. He thinks he's the bees knees and you're the knob.

growingseeds · 27/05/2018 23:31

Run. Just, run. Take your children and run as fast as you can and as far away. If you can, gather up documents and sort out finances and legal stuff but tbh I'd just gather up my precious children and get out asap.

Hifilofi · 27/05/2018 23:34

I echo the previous post
Run
Don’t look back

BreakWindandFire · 28/05/2018 11:20

woosey do you know what a 20 year relationship should be like? Comfortable. Content. Loving. The two of you should be like a pair of old slippers. Your home is your refuge, where your partner has your back. You should be relaxed when you are together. You shouldn't be flapping around like a kid trying to placate the dreadful school bully.

Clutterbugsmum · 28/05/2018 12:41

As it's your parents motor home can they not tell him to either be polite and stop having a go at you over nothing or he can find his own way home today.

He will continue to behave this way while you and your parents let him.

blueangel1 · 28/05/2018 13:11

I don't think I have much to add from what everyone else has said. For your own and your child's safety, you need to recognise that this is an abusive relationship. On the rare occasions he is nice, it is to reel you back in. IT'S FAKE. The vile him is the "real" him.

If you're on holiday with your mum, then she's seeing the same behaviour as you are, and she's obviously noticing it. Listen to her as she's got your back.

Original poster
woosey35 · 28/05/2018 13:40

We are in our motorhome and my parents in their own next door.
He’s really tired today so I’m anticipating something to kick off later

OP posts:
fluffyrobin · 28/05/2018 13:54

I was a child where we didn't know when my mother would kick off.

Horrible childhood, wrecked it really.

I blame my dad for enabling her to be like that.

You have a choice to put your dc first but you choose not to.

"What the neighbours think" was what kept my dad enabling her to keep the status quo.

Had no idea and no clue on the long term bad effects on us children.

yetmorecrap · 28/05/2018 15:43

OP, my DH has elements of this but at least he knows it and says he is aware that frequently he is well out of order and to be fair he has improved this way in the last 18 months but only because I’ve been answering back

YummySushi · 29/05/2018 02:55

Yetmorecrap... exactly, some men recognise it and are willing to make a change. Some men have borderline personality disorder or bipolar, doesn’t make them a devil, as long as they’re willing to work on it.

Have u tried to talk to him about it op? Has he ever acknowledged that he has a condition? That gives him moments where he just kicks off ? Can u reassure him that it can be managed if he accepts its impact on u, and respects u enough to give y a chance to help him manage it along with Councelling .

123MothergotafleA · 29/05/2018 04:46

What on earth is in this for you?
Sounds utterly miserable and exhausting just reading this, I would hate to put up with this for a minute let alone twenty years.
He has you well and truly trained like a performing seal. Please listen to others on here who know what's going on, and read L Bancrofts book.

LeChatDeNuit · 29/05/2018 09:29

Yummy seriously? Some men are bipolar? You’re diagnosing him with a serious mental health condition now for which he is displaying none of the symptoms? Hmm I’ve read and re-read your post and it’s so ridiculous I am just going to assume you’re a troll.

Please take your “wisdom” elsewhere and stop endangering the OP with your nonsense.

Cambionome · 29/05/2018 13:35

I agree with LeChat. The things you are saying could be quite dangerous, Yummy. The op really doesn't need someone coming along and minimising her dh's appalling behaviour.

Cambionome · 31/05/2018 08:30

Hope you are ok op. Flowers

workinprogressmum · 31/05/2018 09:10

I'm hoping nothing happened last night OP :( I agree, diagnosing a mental health problem just excuses his sh*try behaviour. I

Original poster
woosey35 · 31/05/2018 10:47

I’m ok thanks. You’re so kind for asking 💐
A few episodes of him randomly swearing at me yesterday. Stupid things. Out of the blue. Telling me he can’t teust me to touch anything without breaking it or damaging it (of which I’ve done neither!). Then swearing at me because he couldn’t find something and it must be my ‘f-ing fault’. Then he found what he was looking for and was evidently gutted as it was clearly his fault so he continues screaming at me for anything he can.
Apart from that I’m fine thanks. Grateful my parents are here to diffuse.

OP posts:
veggifriedbreakfast · 31/05/2018 11:29

I honestly think there's no saving it. You need to leave. What a miserable way to live

Cambionome · 31/05/2018 11:38

What do your parents think of the situation?

YummySushi · 31/05/2018 11:40

Oh gosh OP :(, he really is looking for ways to put u down. This is unhealthy :(. Sounds like he finds it hard to just take responsibility for his behaviour and rectify...

How long has it been like this ? Sorry if u already mentioned I will look through ur older posts.

How is ur confidence and self esteem? Are u feeling emotionally strong confident and are u realising that the issue is not you but him? Or do u find urself emotionally confused ?

Are u staying with him out of guilt ? What is it about the relationship that makes it worthwhile ? (Genuine question to help u brainstorm - not challenging ur decision ).

Original poster
woosey35 · 31/05/2018 13:15

I think he’s always had a temper. Always blamed others for his failings. And always put others down to elevate his own position. However he seems to be saying more personal things these days. So when he puts down, he mocks my personality as a reason. That’s why it’s now hurting more. He’s left me confused a lot. But due to this thread, I now see it’s not me. I can isolate myself from his comments and actually see them as him not managing his anger. Not me causing it

OP posts:
KingscoteStaff · 31/05/2018 13:56

Don't you have a lovely walk to go on with your mum, Woosey?

Is your dd with you? I'm so sorry about her health.

YummySushi · 31/05/2018 14:36

Op, glad to know ur ok.

now that u realise that the problem is not u and it’s him.. do u also accept that the solution is with him ? And that I can’t help him unless he wants to help himself ?

And that he won’t help himself unless he starts taking responsibility for the tension he is causing ?

And that he won’t take responsibility if he is in his comfort zone as it’s not in his nature , as you say it has been years... and so, he needs to be taken out of his comfort zone ?

He may or may never change op, let that be something u discover urself.. but do u feel it’s worth taking him out of his comfort zone by separating from him ??? If ur not comfortable to leave the relationship outright, can u seperate (and protect urself), and give urself the chance to maintain ur confidence and take breathing space to decide what u want from then onwards ?

YummySushi · 31/05/2018 14:40

Does it scare you how he will react if u seperate ? Are u staying out of fear?

Or are u just scared of losing his “love”?

Or is it that u feel like u want to be with him ?

YummySushi · 31/05/2018 14:42

You can’t help him *

YummySushi · 31/05/2018 14:55

Another thought is , have u spoke to someone from his family about his behavior ? His parents or sibling or someone that you feel isn’t biased and will want to be fair on both sides ?

I know ur husband likes to keep the appearance that things are perfect, but maybe u can get confidential support ?

This way, if u seperate, u can make sure u have some sort of support from his side when it comes to DD if things become complicated and he acts up ?.

But if they haven’t made themselves available , and if u feel they won’t keep it confidential and will just put fuel on fire, then don’t .

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