Mind games. Tying me in knots!

[woosey35]

Dh can be the most charming man. He can show me love, affection etc. But more so he can show me disapproval. I don’t feel he respects anything I do. He’s got to be better than me. He never seems proud of anything I do.
If he’s tired he becomes aggressive. He’s verbally threatening. I’ve tried standing up for myself but he then turns it round on me saying I’ve made him behave like that because I just ‘go on at him’. I really don’t though. I try and smooth things over all the time. Try and make our lives calm etc. Yesterday he became tired and flipped again. Out of the blue swearing at me and throwing things in temper onto the ground. I didn’t react this time. Just stood and watched him in disbelief. He stopped, looked at me and then told me to take my ‘f-ing angelic face off’, and my ‘f-ing soft voice somewhere else’. I walked away. He then later asked if I’d calmed down enough for him to be able to speak normally!!!!!! He ties me in knots..I want to know what to say to him for him to know I’m not a walk over. For him to be clear I don’t intend to argue or give his moods power!!
This morning, we were chatting normally over breakfast. Inside I was still hurt but I acted as normally as possible, and engaged fully in conversation. As he got up, he told me I was ‘sulking and my face wasn’t filled with fun!’
I seriously love him and love his nice side. But I feel I almost have to earn it and be grateful to see that side. And if I don’t meet the grade, I see his punishment. Believe me....if I knew how to 100% meet the grade, I’d do it!! I try but it’s so volatile

Op your H is an abusive, sociopathic cunt! The sooner you leave this arsehole the better. Your DC's will be horribly affected by all this

This is just dreadful, and is taking me back to a time when I was in a similar situation. I thought I could control it, thought I could make him see sense by doing this or doing that. One day, he would see the logic and would treat me well and we would be happy.

Then, there was the odd day when he wasn't bad to be around, positively sweet actually, and I thought-great, he gets it.

He got it alright. He was a master manipulator, what an idiot I was. A good day would always be followed by his hideous game playing.

It took me years to wake up to it, it will take you some time OP.

Keep posting here, read the Bancroft book, wise up about his motives. Don't play the 'treat me nice, stay with me' game, you'll never win it, and it will exhaust you.

Go and see a solicitor, tell friends in real life what he is like. Gather your strength as one day you will leave this man, I hope. Otherwise you will disappear, emotionally and mentally.

I actually want to tell you that this man is an abusive cunt, but I'm not sure you're ready to hear it.

Op. Hope you are ok. Stay safe and don’t let him know you are getting them on here. Keep clearing browsing history.

The big thing that jumps out when I read your posts is how surprised you are that other people have the exact same experience of the same behaviour.

It is almost like there’s a script. They all follow it. He’s not speshull. He’s not some tortured genius. He’s not stressed. He’s a common or garden arsehole and He enjoys it.

Read How Does He Do That. He’ll be in there.

My parents with us in their motorhome. My mum has seen today how he is. She’s gutted and shocked!!
We are sat playing cards and he has a look of thunder. Not speaking. Just looks hideous. I’m sat looking at him shocked how it’s come to this. He actually looks nasty

He’s kept telling me today that my face looks negative. I’m tired. I’ve been up all night poorly. And my face doesn’t look right. I opened a window blind and it creased. Omg it was like I’d stabbed him. Told I’m useless and step away as can’t be trusted.

So, you're with a guy who openly boasts that within the workplace, he is utterly vile. And that extends to the way he treats you. Here's an idea...LTB!

What do you want from this thread?

Hi op l have just read your entire thread...it is truly shocking ...he is bullying and abusive.I am so sorry no one should have to live with this.

What l cannot understand is why you are putting so much energy into placating and working around his moods......his problem, you CANNOT FIX HIM....you can become an expert at dodging and being clever at avoidance and saying the right thing .....
HE WILL STILL BE THE SAME.....

You can try so many tactics to be strong and in control, but what for? He will not ever be the loving, supportive, consistant partner you and DD need.

l am sorry it is so hard you must be struggling horribly...

Just imaging for a moment, what if you stopped thinking about him and his issues and moods............were completely immune to them, good or bad.

You would have so much energy for life and living and your DD ( hope she is doing OK)

Please accept this constant criticism, bullying and abuse is not normal in a marriage. Sadly he is another abusive man.

Omg op I have just read through this entire thread and every post re: your DH screams sociopath.

Please look up sociopathic behaviour and tell us what you think.

Your parents knowing will help you op. You should not keep his mental abuse secret.

He is seriously mentally disturbed and you are out of your depth.

You would need to retrain as a psychiatric nurse to even begin to cope.

Your priority should not be him but your dd and the toxic atmosphere and damage he's causing to both of your mental health.

Tell your mum everything.

You seriously need outside help.

You and your DC are not safe.

You cannot change people like this. Don't even try it will such the life out of you. You have supportive family so make plans and leave.

The thing which chilled me from reading Why Does He Do That book is that they know they are being abusive. Their know their behaviour is not okay.

That was enough for me. Knowing that someone could willingly engage in that awful behaviour just because he could sickened me to my core. I could never see him the same after that.

OP, please leave. You can't manage him. It's hopeless. And the longer you delay it the harder it becomes.

Good luck

My mum asked me this morning “do you think he knows what he’s doing, and do you think he reflects and realises he’s pathetic?!”
I don’t think at the time of bahaving badly he knows what he’s doing. I think he wakes up the next morning and thinks maybe he was a knob

So why does he keep on doing it, op?

He is obviously an intelligent man, why does he keep on with the knobbish behaviour?

In some way he enjoys treating you like this, and thinks that he is entitled to.

I think he wakes up the next morning and thinks maybe he was a knob

And yet continues to be an abusive arsehole? I highly doubt he ever reflects on his behaviour. His head is too busy blaming everybody else.

Yes he does blame everyone else. He opened a cupboard today, and a glass fell out. I was nowhere near him or the cupboard (and 10ft away) yet he said it fell out because I’d moved and shook the floor of the motorhome.

You don't have to put up with this, you know. X

Of course it was your fault It was always my fault, too. Or if I wasn’t around, it was somebody at work’s fault. Or a passer-by’s fault.

You must feel so on edge.

Please leave him as soon as you can.

Scary that you are like a frog in the process of being boiled alive.

He's cranking up the abuse, testing you to see what you tolerate so he can up it next time.

Sociopaths have no empathy. They enjoy ruthlessness.

Have you compared the charming man you married to the man you are with now ?

Sociopaths are often top CEOs as they really have no compassion for people they have to trample over to get their own way.

They make up their own reality even if it flies in the face of the truth.

You doubt yourself and wonder how you can change hence the title to your thread.

You haven't grasped yet how a sociopath works and how he operates and how you can protect yourself.

Hopefully this thread and your parents can help disentangle you from his web of trying to destroy you from the inside out by messing with your mental health to the point that you don't know reality any more.

You cannot reason with someone with a serious personality disorder.

But I don't think you are ready yet to face the truth of your situation yet.

It must be horrifying for those who love you to witness.

Wow. You are so beaten down you tiptoe around him like you would a bully in the playground.

He's even telling you what expression to have on your face. You will never win.

Bet it was unreasonable behaviour not ' lack of empathy ' that caused his last divorce.

Thank God you aren't on holiday on your own and other people can see what he's like.
Was he this controlling twenty years ago?

Don't you want to run away?
I'd be making plans asap.
He's like a selfish child.
Next time he starts just simply say " Right enough. No more!"
And walk away.

Bloody hell life is too short.
Show your child that it can be better than this.

No he doesn’t.

He’ll never think he’s a knob because it’s all somebody else’s fault. He behaves like he does because he wants to, and because he can because he can do it unchallenged.

He’ll always have a reason why he acts like he does, and not one of those reasons will involve his personality or behaviour.

People respect him in business because he’s actually very good. But he admits proudly that he’s a complete bastard in a board room!!
People don't respect him. They let him win so they don't have to deal wit his behaviour, or because he's a fucking BULLY! I've worked with cunts like your DP. They bully and belittle people to get what they want and think it makes them good at their job.

I’m so fed up. I truly love him
Do you love HIM, or being with someone? How can you love someone who is verbally and mentally abusing you on a daily basis, and who clearly doesn't love or respect you? He's treating you worse than a dog treats a chew toy!

Im merely trying to gain strength in myself so I’m strong for my children
How do you expect to do that with a man who is walking all over you? Who doesn't GIVE you strength and stand your corner. Who is daily mentally kicking the shit out of you then building you back up when he's being nice, then doing it all again? You'll NEVER have strength in this situation as he is taking it all away! Your child(ren) will pick up on this and normalise this behaviour, do you want that?

You need to get out of this utterly TOXIC relationship!! You know this OP which is why you posted, looking for reassurance that you're not in the wrong. You need to put plans in place to get away ASAP. Once you're living your life not walking on eggshells, and being surrounded by this horrible bully you'll get the strength you need.
GET OUT!!!!

Op. It's as though you can read my mind and/or are living my life. I cannot believe how many people are going through this sort of thing and it's truly astounding how there seems to be a hymn book these awful men sing from. It's not that your OH is LIKE my OH, it's like it IS him!!

I too get told I don't say things right 'why didn't you just say this....., then I'd of known what the fuck you were talking about'.

I too get told I shouldn't look confused when 'I know EXACTLY' what I've done (on purpose) to wind him up and push him to flipping.

I too get the Jekyll and Hyde personality so it keeps me wanting to help the 'good' person trapped in there.

As horrific as the situation is, this thread has got some amazing points. I really hope you can find the strength to leave him. I slowly and secretly made steps to leave him. I spoke to Women's Aid firstly, who put me in touch with local organisations who helped me sort through my options. I had to do it slowly as I didn't have anywhere else to go and didn't want to go to a mother and baby unit. 3 months after I decided to leave him and began the process I am now living in a lovely home in a very nice neighbourhood with catchments to good schools for my child. He has no idea how bad things are for him. I began to build up a profile for him with various authorities because I'm afraid one day he may kill me (sounds dramatic but it's true unfortunately) and I want to leave a huge paper trail for social services etc so he will not get our child if I died. I don't have anything official like restrictions to his access etc (though I never leave him alone with my child as advised by several authorities - I would t anyway though) we have an agreement that if he's in a rage or wound up at all he will cancel contact plans.

I have changed into someone I can't recognise. I don't know how you survived for 20 years. Now that I live away from him I can relax for the first time in years. But the red hot sinking feeling I get is still absolutely terrifying when he texts or calls and I can tell he's starting his 'bad' phase.

I tried everything but like the rat story everything I tried he'd up his game. Something I'd say would get the shock factor and work the first time, but next time he'd be prepared and have 'upped his game'. It became physical slowly. Please don't stay for that.