Mind games. Tying me in knots!

[woosey35]

Dh can be the most charming man. He can show me love, affection etc. But more so he can show me disapproval. I don’t feel he respects anything I do. He’s got to be better than me. He never seems proud of anything I do.
If he’s tired he becomes aggressive. He’s verbally threatening. I’ve tried standing up for myself but he then turns it round on me saying I’ve made him behave like that because I just ‘go on at him’. I really don’t though. I try and smooth things over all the time. Try and make our lives calm etc. Yesterday he became tired and flipped again. Out of the blue swearing at me and throwing things in temper onto the ground. I didn’t react this time. Just stood and watched him in disbelief. He stopped, looked at me and then told me to take my ‘f-ing angelic face off’, and my ‘f-ing soft voice somewhere else’. I walked away. He then later asked if I’d calmed down enough for him to be able to speak normally!!!!!! He ties me in knots..I want to know what to say to him for him to know I’m not a walk over. For him to be clear I don’t intend to argue or give his moods power!!
This morning, we were chatting normally over breakfast. Inside I was still hurt but I acted as normally as possible, and engaged fully in conversation. As he got up, he told me I was ‘sulking and my face wasn’t filled with fun!’
I seriously love him and love his nice side. But I feel I almost have to earn it and be grateful to see that side. And if I don’t meet the grade, I see his punishment. Believe me....if I knew how to 100% meet the grade, I’d do it!! I try but it’s so volatile

Oh yes, my STBXH is an expert in mind games and emotional blackmail. LTB, he wont change, and you'll be so much happier for it.

hellsbellsmelons There but for the grace of god and all that. Maybe shut your mouth until you've walked a mile in those shoes. Life isn't black and white. I'm a strong person, I've lived through a shit childhood, sexual abuse..,terrible things. If most people on the street, at work, in friendships treated me the way my ex partner did, I'd deal with it no worries. Your post isn't helpful to the OP. Count yourself lucky you've never had to deal with this. And if you have, fucking shame on you for posting that.

Oh sweetheart you are being emotionally and mentally abused. He is abusing you. How long before he uses his fists?

You mention an ill dd, is this the environment you want for her? She will sense this, and what's going on between you and your h.

Read 'why does he do that' call women's aid and just have a chat.

In your heart of hearts, do you really want to live like this? Always on egg shells? Waiting for the anger?

Hells bells melons there’s no need to abuse the OP - she’s getting more than enough of that at home.

OP, you are not to blame here. You are not responsible for his anger.

What’s so frustrating is that everyone tellls me what a chilled guy he is!! How he’s such a successful businessman but so chilled at home!!

I really feel that our joint friends who we socialise with for dinner etc would never ever believe me if I said!!

So he’s just got home. I spoke to him about his day and as he walked off for a shower, the kitchen door blew shut in the breeze. He’s now accused me of slamming the door on him and how dare I.....!!
He’s now stormed off for a shower. Trying to stay calm so he can’t have anything on me...

How much longer are you going to tip-toe around him, OP?

So he’s just told me im being mysterious. When I said ‘what?’, looking confused, he said “and your faces aren’t helping the situation!! 😩😩 how the fuck do I react?!

"how the fuck do I react?!"

By telling him to fuck off! I can't fathom why you're even trying, nothing you do will be enough. Being on your own will be a million times better than this.

You react but stopping thinking you have any means to manage his behaviour. His behaviour is all about him and nothing to do with you. The sooner you realise this and stop trying the better.

You will never satisfy him. Even your neutral face winds him up because he wants to control you and be a nasty twat to you. You will never win. Why do you allow him to do this to you? Any love you feel must surely wither and die soon.

You will never, ever give him the correct response, you know why? Because he will have a bullying response for every one of your responses!

THERE IS NO CORRECT RESPONSE.

Seriously LTB. I know it’s a scary thought, and you love him, but you are worth so much more than this

His behaviour is all about him and nothing to do with you. The sooner you realise this and stop trying the better.

This^

OP, are you taking in the posts from women here who've been through this? IT DOESN'T GET BETTER.

You’re being abused, OP. And yes, it is ‘that bad’. More to the point, it’s your daughter who needs all your mental and physical energy, not him. He should be focusing on her, also, supporting her, you, your family.
Your child is poorly. To hell with him, focus on your child. On you.

Yep, I’ve been in your shoes. For about 20 years.
Life is really really good now. Only when you get out you realise how much happiness there is out there for you to enjoy, what peace and quiet means.
Leave him, he’s not going to change.

I have never been in a relationship like this, thank fuck. Those who are posting here who have are 100% clear:

1. There is no ‘correct response’, when he wants to bully you, he will.
2. The relationship can’t be fixed.
3. Your life will be much better if you leave.
4. It will probably take a while to be ready to do that. Others have found the Lundy Bancroft book, “Why does he do that,” and talking to Women’s Aid helpful.
5. Be careful when you leave, as this is the point when abusers may switch from emotional to physical abuse (see above about talking to Women’s Aid).

What really matters here is that you are ‘teaching’ your children to accept this and to apply this behaviour. It’s their ‘normal’ This is how people treat each other.
If you think they don’t ‘see’ or understand or you ‘protect’ them from this, you don’t.
I hope you can do whatever needs to be done for you to be treated as you should be and to be able to ‘model’ the relationship you want your children to learn from OP

I started to read this thread yesterday but I couldn't log in to reply. Haven't read the whole thread, but OP, please, please google "coercive control" as this is what is happening to you.

I am with someone who suffered 20 years of this treatment and stayed for the sake of his kids. Don't put yourself in the same position. Start reading stuff and start making a plan to get out.

Blue angel - I’m so sorry your dp suffered. Glad he’s now with someone who sounds very understanding and supportive.
I’ve googled coercive control. It doesn’t ring true and he doesn’t control what I do. I am pretty free to do things without him controlling me. I’m fairly independent to the outside world. It’s jisy behind closed doors, all the moods and comments and picking at my personality, my face, expressions and voice. To the point I don’t know how to act.
This morning he told me I was pulling a face again. I actually spoke up for myself. I said my face was just showing expression, something we all have as part of ‘us’. I said he has it too. It’s normal!! He said I don’t ‘pull faces’ when I’m happy with him. I said i do indeed show expression then too..in the form of a smile. Maybe that is ‘pulling a face’?! He shut up!!
Thank you you lovely folk out there. You really are showing me I can be strong. I’m so very grateful

He also got angry again last night. Tired again. Started persecuting my personality. I looked at him and said “you’re angry and stressed and your throwing that anger onto me and blaming me for your behaviour. It’s YOUR behaviour, not MINE”!! I couldn’t believe I said it. I stayed calm. My voice was strong but quiet. He stumbled over his words then stopped.
We go away on a family holiday tonight. For ten days. It’s going to take all my strength!!

I think you should leave but understand how difficult that would be and not something you might be ready for.

What if you changed tack? How about trying to embarrass him out of it? E.g he starts his bullshit and you sigh or roll your eyes and say "oh do stop, this is all so boring now" or just "I have better things to do with my time than listen to your nonsense" and walk off. Cut him dead and show him that what he says goes in one ear and out the other. It's not important what he thinks or says. His opinions do not matter. He is talking absolute bollocks and you know it - and we know it, you sound wonderful - even HE knows it. Just let him know you are bored/irritated/unphased/find it pathetic and see how he responds.

On my tenth wedding anniversary I nearly left my emotionally abusive husband. Four years ago I tried to leave again. Both times he begged me to stay. We talked through everything that needed to change. Guess what? Nothing changed apart from me getting stronger. So after 26 years i'm finally free of his bs.
Don't engage with this ridiculous behaviour, especially when you've got your daughter to worry about. Just leave. Otherwise you'll be waking up in ten years time wondering why you've wasted your life.

Well done for saying that to him OP! Awesome! Keep doing that every single blooming time!! God, what a time to be going on holiday. Keep posting here when you can....

Op how do you feel about what living like this is doing to your kid? You can choose to keep walking on eggshells and pandering to the abuser all you like, but your kid is dependent on you, she can’t escape yet.
My mother put cock before her kid, and is now reaping what she sowed.

What is the point in standing up to him? What are you trying to prove? That you’re ‘strong’ enough to stay in a relationship with an abusive man?

When will you find the strength to walk away?