Why do so many women stop wanting sex?

[User2837]

I've been with my partner 6 years, and could quite easily never have sex again. I'm late 20s.
I love him deeply, he's the kindest, most considerate man I've ever been with. We have so much in common and laugh all the time. We have a child, similar goals, wants, and needs. We go on dates, and trips away etc, and I can't imagine being with anyone else.
When I've spoken to female friends about this, pretty much all of the ones in long term relationships say they feel the same.

Even if it's common, I don't know whether it's healthy to remain in a relationship where i would never initiate sex - surely that's not good for either of us?? But equally, the thought of.losing the person I consider my soul mate is too upsetting.

Why are so many women in the same boat?! And is it worth breaking up over, finding someone else but potentially risk the same thing happening again? Are so many women in relationships where having sex is a chore they endure??

I'm thinking I should try some sex therapy but really not in the position with time or money at the moment.

Have you spoken to him about it? It sounds like you have a lot going for you in terms of partnership.

Do you actually feel frustrated or just like you don't feel like it at the moment because of other priorities? Sex drive can wax and wane a bit with busy lives

Could it be to do with contraception? Hormonal contraception can lower your libido and many women don't notice necessarily until they come off it

How old is your child ? I understand it's quite common for sex drive to wane when you have a child under the age of about 4 (usual age gap in nomadic hunter gatherer societies apparently ?)

According to many threads on here, a lot of men feel the same.

It’s possible it’s hormonal, but also possible you are just touched out with a young child. Remember that before the days of contraception there were only natural mechanisms to rely on to space pregnancies and keep women healthy (too many pregnancies too close together would and still is a significant risk factor for early death). The hormonal changes that occur after children are probably protective. Realistically, throughout human evolution we probably haven’t been having loads of sex late into life. It’s probably very much a modern perception that if your sex drive drops in middle and older adulthood that there’s something ‘wrong’ with you. But if you want to be having sex then that doesn’t matter much and whether it’s biologically normal, it’s not what you’d like for your relationship. How old is your dc? I didn’t find I had much interest in sex again until my first was 3 and then it did naturally start to come back (probably also because I wasn’t so damn exhausted by then).

I wish I had the answer as I honestly wouldn't care if it never happened again with me and DH. Yet I love him and want to stay married.

We stopped having regular sex in our late 20s, now we're almost mid-30s and haven't had sex in a year (we've been together for 10 years). We've talked about it in therapy, but we're both sort of okay with it. Like you, we have a good relationship otherwise, sex just isn't a priority anymore. Yes, I'd like it a little more, but I think maybe we're just too familiar with each other - we are still really affectionate though.

If both of you are happy with the way things are, you don't need to pressure yourselves into it. But talk to him, see what he thinks. My opinion is that it's unlikely that it will be different with anyone else - I think you have to address what's going on if you want to have more sex.

The trauma of childbirth is a big one.

Next comes the frequency of being not very good at it.

A LOT of people aren't very good at sex because it's something which takes practice and lots of trust to improve.

Yy MyChild I was going to ask this. I’ve gone off sex in every relationship I’ve ever been in, including my current one - but then I stopped taking the Pill and my sex drive came back. My mood improved massively as well - it’s convenient to be on the Pill but I’d never go back on it now.

This reminds me of a wildlife program I watched where the lions were no longer having sex because they were too comfortable and the female didn’t see her mate ROAR anymore (honestly this isn’t a joke). So they had to introduce a competitor and of course the male lion did his thing and got all feisty and the female lion came into heat and they started having sex again.

It made me think that I think for many of us life becomes too routine. We stop seeing our partners as exciting and instead they become a comfy friend. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that girls love a bad boy. We are wired to get turned on by certain behaviour and that isn’t sitting and watching Corrie together at 8pm with a cup of tea.

Hormonal waxing and waning, contraception, familiarity, small children - all issues. Someone I know is announcing that she will never have sex again, that she's had enough - she's about my age, 50. Maybe her husband is fine with it, maybe not, I would be pretty cheesed off if I were him. I know that my own knowledge of my body and arousal is painfully slow to develop - I was 30 before I had any understanding at all of how my body worked in sex, 40 before I actually started to inhabit my own body during sex rather than imagine it from the outside as a man would see it, 49 when I had another breakthrough which is a bit graphic... Things change. If you have a small child, don't assume it's all over (especially as you are so young).

It's just nature's way of ensuring that the child/ren get all your time and attention, rather than you wasting all your energy on sex. Men have a higher sex drive because nature wants them to impregnate as many women as possible to ensure the survival of the species!

I can see objectively how you might really want to remain with someone who you trust and feel companionship with -- but I would not want to be in a relationship with someone I did not want to have sex with. It makes no sense to me.

My problem is kind of the opposite of the people you describe here -- I have no desire whatsoever for the kind of calm, sexless companionship which you talk about. It holds no appeal whatsoever for me to live with someone and have all the stress and annoyance that comes with sharing a space but have no sexual desire for them. I'd far rather live on my own.

I think this probably makes me an anomaly though.

I'm not sure what to suggest in your case as what you experience does sound fairly common.

Firstly this happens to men too. I don't know any stats but there are often threads on here either from the men who have gone off sex or by their partners.
In a long term relationship with children added in then sex can take a back seat.
If the sex isn't good or satisfying or is just ok then sometimes there's no incentive to keep trying and it becomes a chore which someone else wants and the other person isn't bothered about but does for them. Cue a shedload of pressure, guilt and general angst.

I've always had a steady sex drive. Is the sex bad/boring ? I can understand not being bothered if it's not very good or it's mostly him that gets off.

The pill. Time. Energy levels. Sex being a bit crap. Depression. Ill health. Stress. Being emotionally tramuatised after having a difficult birth. Dealing with kids all day. These are all things we've dealt with.

I think it's only really an issue if you're frustrated. Or if you want it, partner doesn't. Or if you want it but not with partner etc. If you're both happy, it's OK.

I definitely think the pill was a big one for me. Since I stopped taking it 2 years ago, I've felt a huge difference. Definitely don't want to go back on it.

I think it’s normal for the attraction to wane after a while with a long term partner. I have always had that happen in a relationship.

I want sex in my head but I usually so knackered by the time the opportunity arises. I have 2 small kids and it just isn't a priority.

A time thing? Since having kids (mine are teens now) a spare minute in the day does not exist. Not possible to ‘make time’, a phrase some people throw around, sometimes that’s just not possible for a number of reasons. Not for everyone, everyone’s lives are different and some absolutely can adjust things and ‘make time’ and others genuinely can’t. If you have no time at all to yourself or to take a breath sex is the last thing in your mind. Personally, once I can take a breath it’s head on the pillow so I can get a few hours to get up and do it all again, same with DH.

A space issue? Not so relevant now but when kids are younger they ‘cling’ and your space is never your own. Starts with breastfeeding or just holding a crying/unsettled baby for eons. Then they want to be picked up all the time, sit on top of you etc. I remember falling into bed and being so thankful it was the one opportunity/place where I had a tiny bit of physical space around me that was just mine. The thought of that fleeting opportunity being invaded by DH was abhorrent.

Lots of stuff really, a never ending list .

Was thinking what a few have said - the pill. I came off it and suddenly had a sex drive again and my mood improved dramatically. But obvs this may not apply.

I would say don't let society make you feel you should be having a certain amount of sex. Do what makes you happy.

I couldn't care less if I never had it again either. Partly because it's not very good but I really just can't be bothered with it and never really have been.
My DH, luckily, doesn't seem too bothered - he never had a particularly high sex drive himself, even at our most active, it would be 2-3 times a week at most.

If neither of you are bothered then I wouldn't worry - there's no set rules about how often you should have sex (regardless of what Cosmo thinks!!)

My parents were married for 42 years, and while I shouldn't really know this, I do know (because my Mum told me) that they didn't really have sex again after my siblings were born, so that would be for about 35 years of the 42 they were married. I don't know how much it bothered my Dad, and I'm never going to ask him! But it didn't bother Mum.

Contraceptives containing hormones are a massive libido killer. A friend of mine saved her marriage by coming off it.
As for your question: I don't think it's that common. It might occur for certain periods of time in many monogamous relationships, but mostly doesn't mean it's the end of the road.
I agree with a pp who said many have sex they're not happy with because it requires communication skills, trust, etc.

Some medication can lower/diminish your libido. I was taking antiMigraine medication and had similar symptoms to what you've suggested, then another side affect flared up and I went off them, supposedly for a short while, but my libido returned with a vengeance. Other prescription medications can have the same/similar affects too.

;-)

I find my sex drive gets better when we have had some good quality time together. We have had a week of running about after the kids and have had not even an hour together on our own so I'm right off it at the moment. Lunch our or a trip to the cinema together or even just some time to chat and it comes right back.
I guess when you've had no time to yourselves for ages it's like wanting sex with a total stranger, which I don't.

Pinot - I hate the sound of those relationships too. I divorced because I was in one and it was not lovely and calm and comforting, it was boring and oddly tense and I longed to feel wanted sometimes. Obviously that’s not the only reason we broke up but the utter tedium was part of it. Now I have a boyfriend and the sex I thought I wasn’t bothered with and could live without is absolutely indispensable to me! Like breathing! He doesn’t live with me and we purposely spend time apart so when we do see each other it’s so good, and I couldn’t go back to a pottering-along relationship now. I don’t know why they’re sold as being the ultimate. They’re soul-destroying.