Why do so many women stop wanting sex?

[User2837]

I've been with my partner 6 years, and could quite easily never have sex again. I'm late 20s.
I love him deeply, he's the kindest, most considerate man I've ever been with. We have so much in common and laugh all the time. We have a child, similar goals, wants, and needs. We go on dates, and trips away etc, and I can't imagine being with anyone else.
When I've spoken to female friends about this, pretty much all of the ones in long term relationships say they feel the same.

Even if it's common, I don't know whether it's healthy to remain in a relationship where i would never initiate sex - surely that's not good for either of us?? But equally, the thought of.losing the person I consider my soul mate is too upsetting.

Why are so many women in the same boat?! And is it worth breaking up over, finding someone else but potentially risk the same thing happening again? Are so many women in relationships where having sex is a chore they endure??

I'm thinking I should try some sex therapy but really not in the position with time or money at the moment.

That's a very interesting point. Whereas for me, as a teenage boy, er.. emissions were unavoidable, if not by wanking, by wet dreams. There was no avoiding them, even though they were deeply embarrassing. They could not be controlled, I suppose, in contrast to women.

Re Roman Catholicism and wanking: all its teaching on sex is predicated on sex being for procreation. So, a woman's orgasm through masturbation as part of sex play with her husband would be fine. A man's wouldn't be, because it means ejaculation and therefore no chance of procreation.

No I guess involuntary emissions for men are more like menstrual blood for women. Though you're talking about something of which you lose control while asleep, not all through the day. Or like a sneeze maybe. I don't like sneezing in public as like many post-birth women I no longer have absolutely reliable continence in all situations. And yet to come, I have to bear down hard and trust all will be well. Direct conflict.

I'm sorry to hear it annandale. I have no doubt that far fewer men have similar problems, and no doubt as a result are less likely to have 'letting go' issues. Although I do wonder if pregnancy and childbirth, because it forces women to take very close attention to their bodies, actually helps them come to terms with them. This was certainly so for DW, despite a horrendous first labour.

Back to my previous point, when I was a teenager, if I hadn't wanked for a few days, the pressure just got unbearable. I would get what's best described as involuntary erections more often. Regular orgasms, I think, are more or less forced on the average teenage boy by simple biology. They have to come to terms with these things (including how to hide then from mum) quite early on.

A separate point raised earlier in the thread a number of times was the importance of non-sexual touching for women. I have to say that for me, non-sexual touching, although very nice, actually puts me off sex. I kiss and cuddle DW, smell her hair etc, and it's very nice. However, I do the same with my children. For me, it's an entirely non-sexual thing with my DW as well as my kids. It takes me on a different path, away from sex.

For me, it's an entirely non-sexual thing with my DW as well as my kids. It takes me on a different path, away from sex which is great, because throughout the day that’s exactly what it needs to be. However for your DW it may be just the thing to make her feel loved enough to relax later.

I think the part about letting go is really important actually, and not something I’d thought about - being reassured that we have all the time in the world, even when it’s midnight, and that it’s all about me for the first half hour or so makes a huge difference - when it’s a quickie I feel the pressure.

My DP also jokes that if I wet the bed he would consider that to be a badge of honour that I’d enjoyed it so much Obviously I don’t want that to happen but the lack of judgment around that is certainly reassuring and trusting completely that he wouldn’t be grossed out by anything is also important. It’s a hugely vulnerable place to be and I’m not sure even we realise that sometimes as it’s uncomfortable to think that way.

I think there's a difference between the intimacy between a man and woman and the physical contact you have with your kids though.

The eye-contact and the squeezing of fingers when you're out and both see something that makes you smile, the closing of a hug on the sofa when you're watching TV, the gentle rub of a back when you're passing... it's all missing from my life. I just can't feel sexy towards someone who thinks sitting next to me is enough 'out of bed' contact. Lack of everyday contact means my body has reverted to 'me', there's no element of sharing about it. So sex feels like it's somehow something that's taken from me, if you see what I mean.

The eye-contact and the squeezing of fingers when you're out and both see something that makes you smile, the closing of a hug on the sofa when you're watching TV, the gentle rub of a back when you're passing... it's all missing from my life
Well said Zaphod

It hurts so much to not have that. Really bloody hurts. My experience has been so negative, I doubt I'll ever recover.

I simply don't like/trust/admire anyone enough to be that vulnerable. My ex was very take take, our marriage was sexless. I was the one rejected, lied to, stonewalled etc. Just horrible. Still makes me weepy almost 3 years into our separation.

If I.had my time again I would not accept his vague excuses, insults, PA behaviour, and issued a few more ultimatums....

Years and years on counselling, therapy, anti-depressants, mindfulness etc and I'm still not there. (Not had antid's in 18 months...that's good!!)

Sorry for essay 😱 maybe I talked him to death!!!

Sosogood don’t write yourself off already. Plenty of people meet new partners in their 40/50/60s.

And fwiw apparently my DP was shit in bed with previous people! He says he was selfish and didn’t care about their pleasure at all, he’s actually ashamed to remember how little effort he put in. With me he has learned his lesson and I won’t settle for a crappy sex life. And because he’s so giving he also gets a lot. It’s symbiotic.

If it’s important to you then open your mind and heart, take a risk and see what happens, you only live once and all that jazz

Zaphod is that something you’ve discussed - is there any salvaging it so you think?

do you think*

I’ve been married 20 years one son of my own and two dss
All grown up and only my DS lives at home
We have sex most days & probably to much info but we did the deed three time since last night . We pretty much have always had a very physical relationship from the start .
We met met , he came home with me and never left and we were married within 6 months
I fancy the pants of him and he tells me the same always have done .
We laugh , have fun, argue scream and fight like crazy sometimes.

We go out to clubs and get drunk when on holiday act like a pair of big kids .

But no matter what I’ve never had crap or rubbish sex with him it’s always been very very good from the first time it’s only gotten better

Most couple that I know who have split up over lack of sex - affection and or money

I just think it's nature wanting you to spend your energy looking after the children you've got, not having more. It shuts up shop!

Thanks Amy....
Too true about chemistry and effort hopefully paying dividends.

Sounds fab...😍

It does come back! I was the same in my 20's - had 2 kids, worked full time, house etc etc, always tired, now i have teens and in early 40s i could have sex daily!

AmyElliotDunne

which is great, because throughout the day that’s exactly what it needs to be. However for your DW it may be just the thing to make her feel loved enough to relax later.

Quite so.. and in fact non-sexual physical affection is a huge need for me too, but...

I think the part about letting go is really important actually, and not something I’d thought about - being reassured that we have all the time in the world, even when it’s midnight, and that it’s all about me for the first half hour or so makes a huge difference - when it’s a quickie I feel the pressure.

..this comes back to Scott's point earlier about how reducing male libido may put men completely off sex. If a large amount of dedicated physical attention is necessary as a precursor to foreplay then, then a man (playing his part in a busy family) may well decide that sex is impossible: he simply won't have the time or the energy. The reality is that we generally don't have all the time in the world. Although this thread is about why women go off sex, it was a point Scott raised and was challenged on.

However, perhaps it's also relevant to why women might go off sex. I asked earlier whether there was an expectation that there is a huge cultural tradition of men taking the lead sexually - well, if a couple is in this habit and the man no longer feels like fulfilling this role, or fulfilling it to the woman's satisfaction (due to tiredness, stress, age), then sex may stop, unless the woman takes on that role instead.

Is it ok to admit that at 56 I feel somewhat 'shagged out' after starting at 15. Are women 'allowed' to lose interest somewhat over 50 these days after years of child raising, work and home duties and not feel they should be up for it 3 times a week etc. I do feel there is a lot of pressure.

MyRelationship I've tried to discuss it. But - and I know I shouldn't blame his ASD for everything - he just doesn't 'get' it. HE doesn't need any physical contact, his entire knowledge of sex comes from porn films (where there is, I don't need to tell you, very little cuddling) and his parents are rarely in the same room together, let alone in physical contact, so his relationship model is poor.

Zapohod I feel your pain, my XH was on the spectrum and it was difficult getting him to see it from my POV. He would say that maybe if we had more sex he’d feel like being more affectionate and I’d say vice versa!

I've been married for nearly 30 years and we still really enjoy sex.
I'll say about once a week. Sometimes more sometimes less.
We have one son 12 years old.
Sometimes the less you do it the less you want it. We are very open about it we never say no to each other even if we don't really feel like it at that moment. It's enjoyable.
We are all so tired all the time but it's worth trying to keep the intimacy alive.
I love my husband with all my heart and I want to enjoy being near him.

I have fibromyalgia and am on various meds and have no sex drive anymore even if I wasn’t in constant pain. Feel sorry for my DH he’s in general understanding but I know he wants to have a lot more sex.

Zaphod I understand; DP is on the spectrum as am I and although I crave/need touch he doesn't. I've asked if he will tolerate a kiss sometimes and he says it 'does nothing for him' and even weirds him out! That said, today when I dropped him off he gave me a little kiss on the lips and that obviously means so much coming from him it makes it extra special in a way that he remembered and tried!