Why do so many women stop wanting sex?

[User2837]

I've been with my partner 6 years, and could quite easily never have sex again. I'm late 20s.
I love him deeply, he's the kindest, most considerate man I've ever been with. We have so much in common and laugh all the time. We have a child, similar goals, wants, and needs. We go on dates, and trips away etc, and I can't imagine being with anyone else.
When I've spoken to female friends about this, pretty much all of the ones in long term relationships say they feel the same.

Even if it's common, I don't know whether it's healthy to remain in a relationship where i would never initiate sex - surely that's not good for either of us?? But equally, the thought of.losing the person I consider my soul mate is too upsetting.

Why are so many women in the same boat?! And is it worth breaking up over, finding someone else but potentially risk the same thing happening again? Are so many women in relationships where having sex is a chore they endure??

I'm thinking I should try some sex therapy but really not in the position with time or money at the moment.

There’s a book called Sensation by Isobel Losada that deals with female sexuality in an interesting way.

What a great thread. Maybe I exist in an anomaly as every fucker (literally) around me is apparently doing it (“we don’t do it that much, usually once a fortnight”) and I’m so deeply in love with my DH but can’t be arsed with sex hardly ever.

It does bore into my brain a bit; he shows no willingness to stray and he isn’t a pesterer but it’s the intimacy and touching I know he misses - two young children under two makes it tricky but we are blessed with great sleepers and still the desire isn’t there.

Problem is also time; sometimes I get the “morning horn”

At 4am.

Christ.

You see I find the 'its a shame' comments frustrating. I've been having sex for more than 30 years, have had lots of it, have been adventurous, promiscuous, committed but like lots of other things I've got a bit bored with it (not bored with my husband at all, he's lovely) and I now make an effort for DH, not me. I enjoy it ok but I like other things more and could live without it. I do have sex once a week but I feel I'm in maintenance mode and have no enthusiasm for rediscovering it. I'm rediscovering swimming at the moment. For 10 years I loved running, couldn't get enough of it, I got bored and stopped and no-one told me it was a shame.

I feel like its yet another thing we 'have' to be enthusiastic about to be considered good functioning women.

I'm separated now so having occasional, excellent sex on the dating scene but when I was married with four small children, my heart used to sink when exH would 'make time': always the same time of week, always the same preamble, which was hurrying cereal into the kids and putting on cartoons at 10am on a Saturday. Turns out that's what his dad and mam used to do so he thought it was a great idea . I hated the set-up but felt I owed him. Now, I can't fathom how or why I accepted this.

^ pressed post too soon.

Like a pp, I would not infrequently wake up in the middle of the night with incredible sensations of near-orgasm. The desire for sex was still there in me, deeply hidden, and it had no outlet when the mood struck me, but my daily load was too intense in those baby years.

I think a lot of it is habit. I've been with DP for 5.5 years and the default when we go to bed is that we WILL have sex. We also squeeze it in at lunchtimes and early evenings sometimes too.

The expectation is that we will do it, so its not a conscious decision to DO it, it's a conscious decision NOT to, IYSWIM. We both usually get past any tiredness as the thought has already been planted since early evening that this is definitely on the cards.

I think it's easy to get out of the habit and it's just easier not to bother. Our bedtime routine includes a shower (and if necessary he has a shave so he doesn't lacerate my face with his stubble), so we're both ready for it every night, no debate. I coined the lovely inspirational phrase especially for DP "a morning shower doth not a blow job make".

I'm sure hormonal contraceptives are to blame in no small way for many women's reluctance. They trick your body into thinking you're pregnant so why would you feel the need, on a biological level, to have sex? If you're tired from looking after small DCs as well or feeling under-appreciated, I can see why many women don't feel like it.

It also helps when you are both very giving, so it's not a chore for anyone, you both get equal fun out of it and both feel equally lucky. I can imagine if one partner wasn't bring their A game it would be off-putting.

Proper ROFL at that .

Amy What if one of you isn't in the mood? Or ill?

After reading Charley's comment about hating to be in a sexless relationship...

with the connection between sex and intimacy, would those who would hate to be 'sexless' give up sex if the intimacy wasn't there? Or would they continue, for the sake of the pure sex? Could you live with sex with someone who never touched you otherwise? Or would that put you off.

I'm trying to decide whether my lack of libido is purely driven by the lack of intimacy, or whether my desire for sex will come back if I ignore the lack of any other physicality and just go for it anyway.

What does "intimacy" even mean exactly? And what could a husband do to gain intimacy? My intuition is that "intimacy" is often just the feeling of newness and excitement that comes with the start of a relationship, but inevitably this fades. It might be possible to keep this going by avoiding routine, but this would be very hard.

I think intimacy means ongoing affection, care and emotional safety with your partner, Scott72.

Intimacy to me means any touch that doesn't have the goal of sex at the end of it. A kiss on the cheek in passing, holding hands when out or sitting on the sofa. A back or shoulder rub if you're achy, a foot rub after a day out. A hug or an arm around you when you're walking.

My OH doesn't even sit touching me on the sofa. There is no physical contact at all, ever. If he touches me, it's a boob grope or a touch that moves downwards. It's not affectionate, it's seeking sex.

It means that I know, every time he so much as moves in my direction he's wanting sex. Not to reassure me he finds me attractive, or to help out a sore back or achy shoulder muscle. It's all about the sex, almost as though that's how he defines me 'the one I have sex with.' Like I'm nothing else.

Amy What if one of you isn't in the mood? Or ill? then we’d make the conscious decision NOT to do it, so rather than one of us saying “do you fancy a shag tonight?” and making the conscious choice to DO it, it’s more like making the decision NOT to - “I’m not really feeling up to it tonight, I’m a bit knackered” and the other one will be like “of course, let’s just snuggle up instead”, then we’ll go upstairs and just have a cuddle then get a bit frisky and usually end up doing it anyway

Yes Zap - all of the other stuff is so important for making you feel special and loved before you even venture up the stairs. So many men seem to think that groping you when it’s sexy time is enough. Bleurgh.

When my DP walks in the door he’ll give me a proper smooch and a long hug, and we’ll have s little chat. He’ll get me to sit on his knee when he’s telling me something, will walk up behind me when I’m cooking and put his arms round me, and I do the same. We send each other nice messages, photos, memes etc. through the day. Tell each other how much we love each other and all the reasons.

Every evening he will give me a foot rub, I tickle his back for 10 mins or so while we watch tv, we cuddle up on the sofa, make each other tea, look lovingly into each other’s face and say nice things. The scene has been set long before bedtime.

That sort of intimacy is essential for me. On the nights when we don’t have that for some reason (if he comes over late at night or something) I find it takes me more to get in the mood. Those few hours of just being together make all the difference.

Awh zaph I'm really sorry to read that. That sounds like a really horrible situation to be in. I'm not going to ask the usual "have you tried talking about it" etc because I've been where you are and it's lonely and no conversation will help.

I used to find as well that the more he pulled away from 'intimate' gestures the more I craved them, and I went right off sex! It was a rubbish time and I really feel for you xx

amy I think you've got the wrong thread! You want the "completely loved up and enjoying great sex life" thread that no one has started yet 😂

I'm so glad you have a wonderful relationship with your DP and you make so much time for each other. That sounds a really lovely way to be! But I think this is more about the cause of why many women don't feel like that

But isn't that the point, ificouldwritealettertome, that that's probably what some women are missing in their relationships? Do relationships where the woman has gone off sex, characteristically have those things Amy describes of making time to talk, affection and lots of attention? I'm betting no.

Don't get me wrong - I'm very fond of my OH and he's a sweetheart really. His ASD means that he really doesn't 'get' a lot of the elements in a relationship and, although I've talked about it with him, he can't seem to grasp that fact that other people feel differently to the way he does.

He sees no need for physical contact, and can't get his head around the fact that I would like it. He has tried, but he can't even fake it. You're right, it's lonely. But I don't live with him and our relationship is only a very small part of an otherwise full life, so it's okay really.

@Scott72 - I think that's lust you're talking about.
Intimacy is a feeling of closeness between you; can just be gotten by laughing or talking together, or cuddling or some eye contact. When one partner shuts down, or is abusive, intimacy fades.

@Zaphodsotherhead - tbh where I mentioned I've lately gone off sex and the intimacy isn't there at the moment, when we do have sex it feels very hollow and unenjoyable really; e.g. as I'm not feeling close to him, it's hard for me to come. Physically the sex is the same, but mentally I'm not feeling it at the moment.

Hopefully dp and I can get our intimacy back, as it's been such a recent change, and get our sex life back on track.

We tend to have sex a lot more frequently on holiday. I don't know whether it's just the stress of every day life that gets in the way usually, and being too tired.

Yes sorry got a bit carried away with the positives and forgot to put it in context! With my XH it was the opposite - he wasn’t big on affection and expected me to just switch it on at bedtime, then wondered why I wasn’t up for it. I was under the impression that I had a low sex drive for years. But when I got divorced and met DP I realised how different it could be.

So my point (which I got distracted from getting all gushy!) is that I don’t think it’s about certain people having a low sex drive, it’s how they interact with their partner that affects it most of all.

I have been with my husband for 19 years (married for 15) we have a 8 year old and a 5 year old. He works week away, week at home with a night home in the middle. (With the odd visit back here and there)

We have sex every single day we're together, usually 2 or more times. (Usually me that instigates it) when he's away we share saucy photos and messages.

I fancy the pants off him and can't get enough and it's always been the same for us ❤️

The OP was saying that all her friends in long term relationships feel the same way and seemed to be wondering whether it was just something that happened to women.
I dont think its inappropriate for women to say actually no, it isnt always the case and shouldnt just be expected, because actually often if your libido just disappears, it could be entirely possible to revive it and it isnt inevitable