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Original poster

Why do so many women stop wanting sex?

195 replies

User2837 · 11/05/2018 04:44

I've been with my partner 6 years, and could quite easily never have sex again. I'm late 20s.
I love him deeply, he's the kindest, most considerate man I've ever been with. We have so much in common and laugh all the time. We have a child, similar goals, wants, and needs. We go on dates, and trips away etc, and I can't imagine being with anyone else.
When I've spoken to female friends about this, pretty much all of the ones in long term relationships say they feel the same.

Even if it's common, I don't know whether it's healthy to remain in a relationship where i would never initiate sex - surely that's not good for either of us?? But equally, the thought of.losing the person I consider my soul mate is too upsetting.

Why are so many women in the same boat?! And is it worth breaking up over, finding someone else but potentially risk the same thing happening again? Are so many women in relationships where having sex is a chore they endure??

I'm thinking I should try some sex therapy but really not in the position with time or money at the moment.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 11/05/2018 11:52

Read the book Come As You Are by Emily Nogoski. It's really good. I found it very enlightening.

I do have a low sex drive and can definitely take or leave sex, it's always been that way for me, but I'm more proactive and understand my drives better since reading it and I'm better able to talk about it and communicate with DH.

Storm4star · 11/05/2018 12:16

It’s not always a woman thing. I have always had a high sex drive and once or twice a week would be low for me! Let alone going weeks without! I just think it’s a great stress reliever and a way of feeling close to the person. I like the intimacy and, while I don’t disagree you can be intimate in other ways, nothing is more intimate than sex.

While i’m single, which I am at the moment, I can happily go without but in a relationship I would much rather go to bed early and have sex than sit on the sofa watching Corrie! And I have always been this way, even when DCs were very little. If it got to a year and we hadn’t had sex I would definitely leave the person (unless they were actively addressing it).

It comes down to compatibility. If both the man and woman are happy with once a year then that’s fine. I think I would wonder though if the men in these relationships are really “happy” with infrequent sex or if they have just become sadly resigned to it. I know (from sad experience) that not all men have high sex drives either. But I think couples who give up on sex, are missing out.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 11/05/2018 13:29

I think, in reality, that the bigger problem is when you have mismatched sex drives, when one wants it far more than the other. If you're both happy to have little to no sex, then fine, great! But if one partner is constantly feeling frustrated or rejected, and the other one doesn't really understand, then that's where splits really start.

I also agree that day to day life affects how you feel about your other half. My DH has contributed towards my lack of interest in sex by being a manchild a lot of the time - this isn't attractive. I have told him this but he doesn't seem too bothered, not bothered enough to change anyway. We do kiss and cuddle nearly every day but not in a bedroom environment, and he knows that it's not an indicator that sex is on the cards. There have been a couple of times in recent months where I have suggested we go for it and he hasn't been interested; or has been but hasn't been able. So I don't think it's just me.

Dadaist · 11/05/2018 13:43

Hi OP

Here are to info videos that explain quite a lot. There first is about the reason a lack of sex can eventually become important and how to resolve it. And the second (before I get flamed MNers!) - why people have affairs - reflects a really importantly theory - on how a primary relationship declines to the point that an extra-marital relationship can start.

I hope they offer something - and there are others on the site worth viewing - all very short. Hope they offer some insight on what you can do to keep things good...

Sex starved relationship m.youtube.com/watch?v=tSs2dXDf1Zs

Why people have affairs m.youtube.com/watch?v=d079McwlBRE

balsamicbarbara · 11/05/2018 13:55

Key question.. do you enjoy it when it occurs?

That is, are you merely not in the mood by default but do enjoy doing it, or.. is the whole thing unpleasant? This makes a huge difference, because if you enjoy it but don't ever think about initiating, you may be able to come to an "arrangement" somehow. If you don't want to have sex ever, even during, the conversation is a lot tougher.

yetmorecrap · 11/05/2018 14:27

I can honestly say that beyond the age of 40, I just wasn’t interested and even when younger, I was fine for first couple of years in a relationship and then just wasnt bothered anymore. However as I am now post menopause I can honestly say it wouldn’t bother me if never again. Sadly my H doesn’t feel the same way and it does cause friction. I am ok with non PIV Intimate stuff that ‘helps’ him, just not bothered about it the other way around. Have no idea why, but it is what it is.

Karmelita · 11/05/2018 15:14

For me, several factors were always in play. First, different energy levels. Unlike my STBX, I am an early riser and usually get too tired by the end of the day, unless it's a day-off and I dont have to do any chores. Then, there's the need to know that my partner is connected, when even in the middle of a hectic day he remembers to call or text me to ask how I'm doing or say things like "can't wait until I'm home with you". The need for quality time, for cuddles, for him touching me for reasons other than to initiate sex.

sugarnotsweetener · 11/05/2018 15:20

It was the pill for me - once I cane off it it steadily came back

Madbengalmum · 11/05/2018 15:22

Very interesting that like some others on here with my first oh I was not bothered, with my current dh we couldn't be without it and we have been together for along time too. We have come to the conclusion that we just weren't that into our previous partners, but you don't realise this until you are with the right person. Lots of people are in comfortable relationships with people they really aren't into imho.

chequeplease · 11/05/2018 15:25

Ah well you're breastfeeding a 9 month old- that'll do it!

I wouldn't worry it's just a phase in your life. You'll have plenty of time for sex soon when things have settled down with your baby! Natures contraception!

Karmelita · 11/05/2018 16:32

@Zaphodsotherhead, I can totally relate to that. I wish my STBX had heard me on this...

MarieG10 · 11/05/2018 16:40

When I've spoken to female friends about this, pretty much all of the ones in long term relationships say they feel the same.

I would be interested in such a friendship circle that virtually all of them have gone off sex! My experience is of my friends (30s) some have gone off sex just after childbirth and usually not bothered for a period of between weeks and 3 months. All of them wanted sex in addition to affection after that time and more so to have the reassurance their husband still saw them as attractive/sexy after having a child

I have seen a fair few posts on here about going off sex, and maybe for some it is doable....but I think a lot more relationships eventually hit the rocks as one of the couple actually isn't happy and isn't prepared to have a relationship without it. Kid yourself if you will but realise the risks associated with that approach

LittleGreySheep · 11/05/2018 16:42

I was never that interested. I did it because DH wanted it and I wanted him to continue dating me. After we got married he was on the hook so I felt less obliged to have sex to make him stay. He's even more on the hook after we had DC. Tiredness also plays a factor, and the fact that sex isn't particularly enjoyable because DH isn't giving enough. If I want an orgasm I can do it myself with less mess and less time wasted, and zero risk of pregnancy.

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 11/05/2018 16:49

Shouldn't really admit this as this is my 'out' username but I find it a bit like brushing my teeth and exercising now....nothing special, a bit annoying, but required for keeping shit together (in this case, my relationship).

I do find it a bit annoying that I'm late 40s and am seen as a failure by some if I'm no longer excited by something that I've been doing since I was 16.

LadyRochfordsHoickedGusset · 12/05/2018 07:12

Am 41 and wish my sex drive would abate. It's always high and has caused me to stay in unhappy relationships before because the sex was so good and I've made other bad choices because of it.

Saying that I think it's the most wonderfully intimate way to communicate your love when you both feel the same way. Give me that over poetry any day.

Storm4star · 12/05/2018 07:59

I was never that interested. I did it because DH wanted it and I wanted him to continue dating me. After we got married he was on the hook so I felt less obliged to have sex to make him stay. He's even more on the hook after we had DC

What a horrible attitude!

Gates · 12/05/2018 08:23

Hormones, medication, busy life style, kids, tired. The list goes on.

Be open and honest with your partner, I often dont feel in the mood but we are very close and sometimes cuddling leads to kisses etc and then the deed its enjoyable in the end but the though before hand just feels too much hard work

SandyY2K · 12/05/2018 08:32

I was never that interested. I did it because DH wanted it and I wanted him to continue dating me. After we got married he was on the hook so I felt less obliged to have sex to make him stay. He's even more on the hook after we had DC

I find this very devious and cruel. You tricked him and should have found someone with an equally low sex drive.

You really deceived him. No wonder men (and women) in this situation have affairs or decide to get divorced.

Most people aren't going to stay in a sexless (or minimal sex) marriage indefinitely and be happy. I'm sure some of the single OWs are sleeping with married men who don't get sex at home like your DH.

Grandmaswagsbag · 12/05/2018 08:37

Op my life set up sounds similar to yours and I’m surprised you think it’s normal for women to go off sex completely at that stage. Not my experience or that of any of my friends who I’ve ever discussed it with. I think it’s an issue that you need to sort or it’s going to become a massive thing unless you are both happy with the situation. I couldn’t live in a sexless marriage.

Zaphodsotherhead · 12/05/2018 08:43

Also, who can feel sexy when the overall mood is 'resentment'. A lot of women feel - rightly or wrongly- that their shoulders are overloaded with wife work, day job, major responsibility for children, ageing parents etc. Add in a man who thinks chucking his dirty socks in the vague direction of a laundry bin is 'helping with housework' and you've got s recipe for sex becoming just another chore that needs to be done to keep someone else happy.

Margie32 · 12/05/2018 08:50

@Dadaist you are a very wise person. You described my situation to perfection:

We devalue the familiar in every aspect of our lives. In partners there are lots and lots of reasons why we devalue - stored up resentments (that time when they said or did something) drudgery, boredom, life stress, finance worries, blame them for your unhappiness, and of course life changes, hormones and childcare don’t help. And at this time the perceived attractiveness or value of strangers or aquaintences or past lovers increases - you forget why they are exes - and project amazing qualities to strangers acquaintances and colleagues - may even develop a crush.
All the while the diminishing perceived value and therefore lack of sex in your primary relationship with lovely but safe boring partner makes him, and your relationship less lovely - cracks emerge - as you become less sexually connected, argue more, fuelling the perception that there is something better.

However, one thing is recognizing what’s happening and understanding why, and another thing is doing something about it. I feel a lot like paddling, sex is just something else on the to do list.

littlepill · 12/05/2018 08:54
  1. I stopped fancying him. He stopped trying. Became unattractive to me, both physically and personality-wise
  1. I stopped telling him stuff, because he accused me of nagging him. I got sick of picking up after him
  1. Our ‘team’ broke down - luckily before either of us could have an affair

The first 2 are about sex: we lost passion and then lost intimacy.

SleepingInYourFlowerbed · 12/05/2018 08:54

OP - you're breastfeeding a 9 month old. I wouldn't write off ever wanting sex again.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 12/05/2018 08:58

Both DH and I at different times have gone through periods where we weren't too bothered about sex, we could take or leave it, but that was mainly due to medication or depression. After a while we got back in sync with each other and enjoyed it again, then I went on medication that limits my libido last year. DH is terminally ill now and is too scared to try having sex (his condition and the treatment he's had so far has limited his breathing capacity considerably and he's in constant pain) but perversely i am starting to feel frustrated - I wonder if it's because I worry I will never have sex again, whereas before I had the complacency that he would always be there and willing/able to have sex when I felt like it, so there wasn't any pressure.

Scott72 · 12/05/2018 09:01

What if women most naturally tend to lose sexual desire for their husband, even if he doesn't do anything particularly wrong? It seems women need the spark of sexual desire to be comfortable having sex with someone. This is fueled largely by novelty and newness. Over the course of a marriage it will often ebb away to nothing.