Why do so many women stop wanting sex?

[User2837]

I've been with my partner 6 years, and could quite easily never have sex again. I'm late 20s.
I love him deeply, he's the kindest, most considerate man I've ever been with. We have so much in common and laugh all the time. We have a child, similar goals, wants, and needs. We go on dates, and trips away etc, and I can't imagine being with anyone else.
When I've spoken to female friends about this, pretty much all of the ones in long term relationships say they feel the same.

Even if it's common, I don't know whether it's healthy to remain in a relationship where i would never initiate sex - surely that's not good for either of us?? But equally, the thought of.losing the person I consider my soul mate is too upsetting.

Why are so many women in the same boat?! And is it worth breaking up over, finding someone else but potentially risk the same thing happening again? Are so many women in relationships where having sex is a chore they endure??

I'm thinking I should try some sex therapy but really not in the position with time or money at the moment.

When my children were little, I hardly ever had sex. We were both too tired, and I was touched out, and there was the constant risk of interruption and we'd got out of the habit. But the children got older, and things changed, and now we have more sex than we did even before we had children when we were often tired by the combination of work and a busy social life. And it's better sex.

Or maybe we've just all been sold this lie by the movies etc that we should all be having rampant sex every night of our lives & actually THAT'S boring?

Is that what we're here for? Really when you think about it, one we've had kids what's the biological purpose?

I have been with DH for 20 years and can't always be bothered to have sex when I'm tired, annoyed, stressed etc. He, on the other hand would do it whenever, wherever.

Thankfully when we do get round to it it's amazing. I can be persuaded at times. But other times I just really would rather get some SLEEP!

I guess I'm saying it's just not the be all and end all. Am in my 40's.

I think this is a very big issue that needs lots of open, honest and deep conversations not only with partners but generally too - we are all being fed some line that says we have to be having sex x number of times a week/ month/ year whatever and if we are not then we think what is wrong with us - even though everything on the surface seems ok - this little worm gets in our heads and can destroy what is otherwise pretty good.

Having said that we are also fed that female sexuality has some power - it is the only thing we can withhold from men and they can do bugger all about -when we say we are too tired too stressed whatever are we really - do we have some deep rooted resentment that we are doing the lions share - pretty apt bearing in mind @SleepFreeZone's post - which I think is spot on _ are we fed up of being taken for granted? - too comfortable is this a good thing?

I say this as someone who has just been through a divorce after 20 years of marriage where there had been a lack of sex for sometime - lots of reasons including depression and invasive fertility treatment - I thought we were ok - not brilliant but ok - waiting for the time when kids would be older and less financial pressure - purely created by ourselves.

Cue X DM dying suddenly - knocked him for six as I knew it would - he didn't talk to me about impact - I thought he was dealing with it in his own way - incomes a vulture looking for easy prey and bang my life and kids life turned upside down and four years of hell and still not out the other side.

I don't believe sex is the issue - I believe it is honest open communication - all those little things that we do not say - that we think we are ok with but deep down we're not - too afraid to say in case we rock the boat - well the boat is always rocking how big the waves are are down to us - better to have choppy waters for a time - than calm before a storm!

Me and my first husband didn't have sex ( No dc) and I convinced myself I had low libido etc but after we split it came back.
Fast forward to the marriage im in now with a young ds and we have sex regularly,always have had even when Ds was a new born.

Wish I knew, at least then there'd be some closure.

I lost my sex drive with my first husband because his abuse put my right off him. My sex drive now is high I would have it twice a day if I could!

I was like this with my ex as I found the sex boring and repetitive. We ended up not having sex for a full year before we split up. With my OH we click 100% in bed and know exactly how to turn each other on. Before I met him I genuinely wasn’t interested in ever having sex again. It was just a chore In my mind

Menopause has done it for me. My OH is great at sex, I live alone, plenty of down time and relaxation but he's not great at any form of intimacy that isn't sex-linked, and nowadays I'd really rather have a cuddle or a hug than bed-shaking sex (which sometimes hurts, or is uncomfortable, and that's offputting too). I can still get in the mood, but to be honest, the fact that he only touches me when he wants sex puts me off a bit.

I’ll really try to answer OP - although it may be uncomfortable reading they are just my observations and reading round.
I think there are many paradoxes at the heart of human sexuality. Most people most of the time want sex - because we are programmed to reproduce. But there is also a social aspect - it’s having our sexuality accepted and reciprocated by another person - an intimate connection (which is why it’s never just about getting an orgasm every week or so!)
But what is sexy is rarely what works for a long term relationship. What is edgy, dangerous, uncertain, exciting, risky - is rarely good in a long term partner and parent of your children.
Men and women differ biologically - the reproductive drive for men is for ‘often’ and for women it’s high quality (not just the sex - but really importantly - the quality of the partner). And (horribly) a partner’s perceieved quality diminishes over time. We devalue the familiar in every aspect of our lives. In partners there are lots and lots of reasons why we devalue - stored up resentments (that time when they said or did something) drudgery, boredom, life stress, finance worries, blame them for your unhappiness, and of course life changes, hormones and childcare don’t help. And at this time the perceived attractiveness or value of strangers or aquaintences or past lovers increases - you forget why they are exes - and project amazing qualities to strangers acquaintances and colleagues - may even develop a crush.
All the while the diminishing perceived value and therefore lack of sex in your primary relationship with lovely but safe boring partner makes him, and your relationship less lovely - cracks emerge - as you become less sexually connected, argue more, fuelling the perception that there is something better.
And the best advice to address this if you want to stay with lovely but now stale and boring man - is try and introduce aspects to the relationship that make them more appealing. I really like the lion roar example. You need to literally trick your brain into thinking your partner is someone else - through novelty, experiment, and often by reconnecting or deepening connection.
Trouble is that with kids and washing and work and bills it’s much easier to sigh and stare out of the window and say dream about someone different than try to reconnect with your partner.
But what if he is looking out of the window too? Perhaps he’s not as safe, boring, dependable or risk free as you think? And perhaps you are both hiding from each other?

I don’t know if it’s an age thing? In my 20’s after I’d had my first dd I was never that bothered. Probably only once a month sometimes every 2 months could take it or leave it. Had my second dd in late 20s and slowly it has returned and not every day or anything but a good few times a week for us. I’ve got more confident etc which helps and he had a vasectomy so there was no birth control etc. Youngest is 7 now and other is a teen so it is harder to find time as they’re always awake when we are but it’s getting better.

I miss sex. My exDH wasnt interested, a lazy lover and totally passive aggressive.

I have a sex drive yes, so am convinced its due to the chemicals between two people. (Not just the sex ones)

Hes destroyed my confidence tbh. I've no idea if ill ever trust anyone enough to be intimate again. I cant imagine exciting a man and have him want me - not at all and i have a VIVID imagination :(

I guess as long as both parties are on the same page then a sexless marriage can be perfectly acceptable.

Dadaist - so much of what you posted there resonated for me, but especially this:
stored up resentments
When both my parents died in close succession I was emotionally devastated and struggled with grief/depression for many years afterwards. I felt DH let me down, as he simply made no effort to be there for me and seemed to have a 'you'll get over it' attitude, and started spending more time with his friends to avoid having to spend time with miserable old me.
I was at rock bottom and lonely and he wasn't there for me.
As a result he diminished massively in my eyes as a loving partner. It's hard to be sexually attracted to someone after that.

His own parents are now frail and he will probably face the same experience I had within the next 12-18 months. Right now my attitude is to throw it right back at him and say, "you'll get over it" even though he is already looking for emotional support and comfort.

@greenberet
it is the only thing we can withhold from men and they can do bugger all about

How do you work that one out? We can withhold anything we like from anyone and they can't do anything about most of them.

Things you can withhold from your partner:
Affection
Time
Conversation
Praise
Respect
Cooperation

Things you can withhold from anyone:
A job (if you are the hiring manager)
Friendship
Money (for example to someone begging)
etc etc

It's not always the women though, when our kids were born my husband lost interest for a while and so did I. His interest has come back now whereas mine hasn't. We have regular conversations about it and he totally understands, although often he feels frustrated by it which I totally understand. We've got 9 month old twins, I had PND which obviously didn't help, and now I'm studying so I'm too tired most of the time. We do have sex occasionally but nowhere near as often as we used to. I'm sure my interest will come back as the kids get older. I don't beat myself up about it because I don't need to put that pressure on myself when I've got so many other things to be concerned with.

I am similar to you OP but we have no DC's.

We do have sex once or twice a week on average but sometimes could go a few weeks without and not miss it but I think that's just life. As geeky blinders said... sitting watching corrie with a cuppa isn't exactly going to make you want to rip his clothes off is it and you have a DC so i really dont think you need to put too much pressure on yourself at the moment. If anything that will just add to the stress and kill what libido you do have.

I do think it's my contraception but have tried various other types and they don't agree with me. I have just started taking Macca and Ashwaghanda supplements which are supposed to support a healthy libido so watch this space.

I guess it depends what you are both happy with at the end of the day, hopefully it's just a phase and you can take the pressure off yourself for a while

Ahhhh thank you all so much for not flaming me... Genuinely thought I'd come on to see a load of comments telling me a sexless relationship is doomed!
At the moment I'm not on any form of contraception - we struggled to conceive DD (something I'm convinced was actually caused by prolonged use of hormonal contraceptives), and I'm breastfeeding (i know it's not fool-proof) so not taking any and don't plan to again.
DD is only 9 months old and everything that was said about the biological reasons for not having a libido with a young child make a lot of sense - isn't nature incredible!
And yes you're right - we do spend what free time we get in the evening pretty much slumped in front of the telly exhausted - not sexy at all covered in baby sick, greasy hair and old pyjamas!
Before I met my partner I was attracted more to the "bad boy" (with the lion's roar!) but that never got me very far (although yes, the sex was good!), but DP is the first person I have a true and genuine connection with and if I am honest about it, I would rather a deep and loving relationship, than animalistic sex with a shallow partner.
Obviously it's not for everyone, and I can understand why some people recoil at the thought of comfort and familiarity - I used to be the same, but I do think once DD is a bit older we need to inject some excitement and romance back into the relationship.

Has anyone any experience of 'spicing things up'? I'm not one for role play or dirty talk or anything, I find that a bit cringey haha. We definitely need more reasons to get dressed up and things I think.

My DH and I have been together for 20 years and haven't had sex in the last 3. I just don't want it. He is very understanding fortunately and our marriage is a very happy one; we are soul mates.

I've never had a high sex drive but since having our child it's vanished completely.

It would honestly not bother me if I never had sex again.

Thanks for sharing that FelicityMorange - if your DH expressed that he wanted regular sex, where would you go from there? My partner is very understanding too, but I'm under no illusion that he will want regular sex again at some point.

I think it should be something that is openly discussed more in the media / on TV etc. As a PP said earlier - films / TV / social media would have you believe that if we're not all at it like rabbits there's something wrong with us. And I believe that many people are surprised when their partners/wives etc no longer want sex. They think there's something wrong. Maybe if they understood it was a normal part of many relationships it would cause less friction for some.

I think it wanes after having a child biologically to prevent you from having another soon after and physically because you’re too knackered to even contemplate it. I also think many women struggle with their body image following birth- possible scars, stretch marks, leaking breasts, maybe saggy skin around the tummy. So it’s normal and natural when you have a young child to not really be up for sex.

If there’s no child involved then I would say it’s a hormonal matter. Either contraception or an imbalance of kinds. I don’t think it’s ‘normal’ for someone in their twenties not to want to have sex when there’s no baby around keeping them up through the night.

Sex isn’t as important to some people as it is others, granted and I suppose provided a couple are on the same page it shouldn’t cause many issues. But I think to lose your libido when you are young signifies there’s something amiss.

I wish my DH wanted more sex. I think he could quite happily do it once a month whereas I have a much higher sex drive. Mismatched sex drives are very difficult.

I have always has a somewhat uncertain libido and since the menopause it's even shyer! DH and I have been together forever and we certainly aren't at it like rabbits but we usually manage once or twice a week.

The problem with having no sex with our partner is that there is a lack of emotional connection after a while - sex is a way of communicating which does not need words. After sex I feel far closer with DH than before. He is off work atm with stress and his libido has run away and hidden . That's OK for now but I am hoping it's temporary. I don't miss the sex so much as the closeness that comes with it.

My DS is 3 and I lost all interest from the moment I got pregnant. I sometimes make myself do it for DP's sake though, as it's not his fault I don't want to. He doesn't really ask or mention it as he doesn't want to make me feel forced but I know it's hurt his self esteem a bit as we used to be so attracted to each other and had sex all the time. Part of his self image was based on the boost I always gave him and now he feels like I don't fancy him any more. If the shoe were on the other foot I'd be gutted (and probably far more vocal than he has been)

I'm hoping the actual desire to do it comes back soon. It's interesting to read that this could be a protective instinct though. That had never occurred to me before.

I just wish more men (and probably women, but I can only speak about men) realised that 'intimacy' doesn't only mean 'sex'. Most of the partners I've had have been reluctant to have any form of physical contact that didn't lead to full-on sexual contact. They just couldn't 'get' that I was far more likely to feel sexy with a man who hugged me regularly, or kissed me and didn't then immediately expect me to get my kit off and start bed gymnastics.

It was like for them any form of bodily contact was reserved solely for sex and affection didn't enter the picture. Anyone else find this, and that this knocked their desire for sex out of the window?

I hear you Zaph - DP isn't like that anymore, but there have been times that any kind of touch makes him think it's all systems go! Thankfully he's stopped that now when I pointed it out to him (repeatedly), and he is much more tactile without advances now.

i just think attraction goes when you live with someone for that long. its happened to me in 2 relationships. i love them so much but i start seeing them as a friend. familiarity breeds contempt n all that.

the only relationship it didnt happen to me in, was one where we never actually loved each other. we were together for 2 years but never fell in love, there was alot of drama as we were young but we always wanted to have sex.

i dont think its particularly healthy or normal, especially at your age. i think you will grow to resent the relationship.