Why do so many women stop wanting sex?

[User2837]

I've been with my partner 6 years, and could quite easily never have sex again. I'm late 20s.
I love him deeply, he's the kindest, most considerate man I've ever been with. We have so much in common and laugh all the time. We have a child, similar goals, wants, and needs. We go on dates, and trips away etc, and I can't imagine being with anyone else.
When I've spoken to female friends about this, pretty much all of the ones in long term relationships say they feel the same.

Even if it's common, I don't know whether it's healthy to remain in a relationship where i would never initiate sex - surely that's not good for either of us?? But equally, the thought of.losing the person I consider my soul mate is too upsetting.

Why are so many women in the same boat?! And is it worth breaking up over, finding someone else but potentially risk the same thing happening again? Are so many women in relationships where having sex is a chore they endure??

I'm thinking I should try some sex therapy but really not in the position with time or money at the moment.

My OH doesn't even sit touching me on the sofa. There is no physical contact at all, ever. If he touches me, it's a boob grope or a touch that moves downwards. It's not affectionate, it's seeking sex.

It means that I know, every time he so much as moves in my direction he's wanting sex. Not to reassure me he finds me attractive, or to help out a sore back or achy shoulder muscle. It's all about the sex, almost as though that's how he defines me 'the one I have sex with.' Like I'm nothing else.

It was exactly the same in my marriage for many years. Then his interest in sex stopped as well. It was utterly soul destroying and we are now getting divorced as I couldn’t bear it (this and other things) - the complete lack of affection and kindness.

And within two seconds he is with someone else. I realise that he must have hated me.

Or at the very least he could have been honest about his complete lack of interest in me, rather than shouting and blaming if I ever brought it up.

Thank you Charley, I think I get what you mean. The problem would be though that many men probably just aren't capable of this degree of intimacy that Amy describes, like with Zaphs husband. When she doesn't feel like sex, this only makes it worse - a vicious cycle. And then there are women who just lose desire and attraction even when their partner is affectionate and playful.

But I do think that once a woman loses this desire for her partner, unless there's a tangible reason such as a baby or illness, its very hard to regain it.

Don't assume how your feel now is how your relationship & sex drive will be. I've been with my husband for 20 years and some years we have had sex 2 a year prob, other years more often, last month we had sex almost daily. Our youngest is 3 and life and stress has changes how we feel.

The problem would be though that many men probably just aren't capable of this degree of intimacy that Amy describes They’re perfectly capable of it and maybe if they realised how vital it is to a healthy sex life they’d make more effort. It only takes 20 seconds for a proper song instead of a kiss on the cheek, it takes 5-10 minutes to give a foot rub, no time at all to send “miss you beautiful” in the middle of the day. But these moments ads up to a feeling of being utterly cherished. Which in turn means he feels like the most wonderful and important man in the world - and gets the good stuff several times a day.

We often wonder why more couples don’t treat each other so well. It really doesn’t take much to keep the spark alive, but once it goes you end up in a battle of who could care less. It sounds transactional but studies show that relationships that last are the ones where one partner’s bids for attention are acknowledged and met. As soon as you start brushing each other off, become more interested in your phone than each other or the petty niggles of the day are carried into the bedroom, you’re on a losing streak.

It only takes 20 seconds for a proper song

How sweet ... or did you mean snog?

Ah oops! Yes autocorrect thinks it’s a terrible word too

smooch maybe?

Most men are lazy and crap in bed. After they "got" you, no more long kisses, etc. Foreplay is a boner in the back. I mean how boring and yuck but they think you should act like a porn star.

I have a bot of a different view about sex, and think both partners need to be prepared to actually work at a good sex life. I also think that if there isn't one, then one or the other partner is likely to eventually seek that elsewhere. We've both made the effort to maintain regular sex, even through barriers such as young children, illness etc. I think it helps to keep.us emotionally close.

Iv got bored of sex within every relationship Iv had unfortunately , drive seems to bounce right back as soon as I get with someone new . Iv had 4 ltr relationships not loads btw . Biology ? The fact that my relationships were crap anyway ? I honestly don't know ! I'm jealous of people who seem to manage long term loving decent relationships

Feel the same clumsyduck. With regards to Amy mentioning the ‘miss you beautiful texts’ I’m more likely to get , ‘have you done xyz’ type texts when he is away. I think a lot of guys forget sex starts in the head with women, not just lets give a hug now because it might lead to sex and after many many years that kind of closeness can evaporate in a fug Of domestic, work and family stuff , add in any personal disloyalty or lousy habits and it’s a time bomb for libido

My XH (before he became an X, obviously) was very good at keeping the intimacy going - he'd hug and kiss me, we'd hold hands going out, have his arm around me...that's how I know it's not me being unreasonable or that there's something about me that says 'don't touch me'. We had eight wonderful years, where the sex was great and I actually felt like he wanted to have sex with me, not just anything that was willing to let him.

A lack of non-sexual touching is, I think, the fastest way to put women off sex. If it's all groping and poking, it's no wonder we don't feel massive amounts of desire.

yetmore agree with that also! If I'm doing majority of the housework etc it's surely unsurprising when I become bored and feel taken for granted ?!!

after they "got" you, no more long kisses, etc.

In some cases that would be cause their libido drops too. When a women's libido drops, she's might lose interest in sex entirely. When a man's drops, he still wants sex, but might not have the energy or desire for long lovemaking sessions. This is why communication is so important to work out what is happening.

I do not think libido means what you think it does, Scott.

I’m the same, our sex life was amazing before I had the kids now it’s almost non existent. It doesn’t help that my health issues cause low libido aswell. We still get on well. I do feel sorry for him sometimes but he just gets on with it and do3snt push me. No he’s not cheating.... he doesn’t have the time to working 2 jobs 😊

Interesting. When Ds2 was born, it was like a switch was turned off. I've read others say the same about a switch being turned off on previous MN threads. Makes me sad because I do love Dh a lot and feel sorry for him.

I think that my husband could have sex everyday no matter what was going on! Me on the other hand have to much going on in my head that I just can't focus on sex.

For me it’s a privacy thing. It’s not as enjoyable because we have to do stealth sex, quietly, door locked, after bedtime etc etc because the kids are always here and now they’re an age where if they heard it they’d know what was going on too.
It’s not exactly a turn on xx

I was the OP. But, I knew that I didn't find my partner attractive anymore (even though he was bloody wonderful). We separated after 7 years together.

Ive been with my current OH almost 7 years and I fancy the bloody pants off him. After 7 years, I still can't stop myself starring at him if he's naked . BUT of course sex has slowed down... but at HIS (lack of) initiation, not mine, and I wonder if that's why I've stayed "interested"? If I waited for him to make a move, we'd be down to just once per month. I have to not dwell on that fact, as it threatens to destroy my self esteem... I now dread to think how my ExH must have felt.

Out of my close circle of 8 friends (all friends since school so talk about everything), 3 of the 8 still have active sex lives and enjoy it. The rest of us do it because we have to/want to get pregnant. To me it's an absolute chore and by the end of the day I'm worn out doing things for other people.

category12

Nope, I think Scott's onto something.

I am satisfied by a ten minute shag, and I think that's quite normal for men.

Imagine if your partner requires, on the other hand a full-hour session consisting of a full-body massage, cunnilingus, and a drilling with an industrial-strength vibrator that could probably break up tarmac. Perhaps while.... err.. being restrained. It may sound very erotic, but to be honest, it would get pretty dull after a while, and I think one would relieve the tedium by imagining onesself in hi-viz and a hard hat.

I think after a day of work, kids and house, a nice book or some television would be preferable.

There are many reasons why both women and men go off sex, but I have come to believe that women are on average less interested in sex than men, even with the right partner. The view that men should dictate the play re sex has very long cultural roots, some very negative. If you dictate the play, you are more likely to get what you want, and more likely to be burdened with the responsibility of satisfying your partner - and blamed for being a poor lover if you don't (tragically, it may also mean you consider yourself entitled to commit crimes). For women, it means being less likely to get what you want, and giving up because you don't know how to get it.

When I read statistics showing that heterosexual men are most likely to orgasm, and heterosexual women least likely, I tend to come to two conclusions:

1. they would do well to take more responsibility for their own satisfaction, which means being a bit more active, or
2. they're actually just not that into it.

moimichme

I did find this article, written by a man, with a rather interesting tidbit about an American research study that he doesn't seem able to explain...that men who (say they?) contribute more around the house are likely to have sex less often than those who don't. Perhaps it's because both parents (not just the mother) are too tired to initiate it? I definitely think that's part of the issue in my case.

I think it makes perfect sense.

To give a very small example, I love it when my DW makes popcorn. I can't do it. It's an act of service that only she can do.

If you consider that you are in an equal relationship that nevertheless has clear role-delineation, it seems logical that you are more likely to love your partner because they provide you with a whole raft of things that you cannot do and therefore could not have without them. Compared to popcorn, that must be a pretty heady feeling for both parties because it means a chore becomes an act of love and service.

I cook and clean, and do more of both than DW. On the other hand, I don't do many traditional male jobs at all. I'm useless at DIY, can't bang a nail in straight, and am entirely useless with the car. I imagine that if I was expert in those things rather than cooking, DW might find that a turn on. If there were some things DW could do that I couldn't (other than popcorn) I might feel the same about her.

Blakename I'm glad someone agrees with me about libido and sexual performance. The lower the libido, the less energy available for sex and the less enjoyable it is. Sex with foreplay requires more energy than simple intercourse. If a man is unwilling to engage in a long session, it is usually more than just "selfishness", although that may be a factor.

If a man's libido drops low enough he may find sex unappealing, but still have enough energy for masturbation, especially in conjunction with porn. I'm not trying to excuse that, just giving a possible reason.

And I agree that women should be responsible for their own orgasms. Even the Catholic church officially allows women to masturbate, if its done around the same time as sex with their husbands.

Wow is that true about the Catholic Church? I wonder what the theology of that is.

I've heard a lot about women taking responsibility for their own orgasms, and totally accept there is a double standard in how a 'good lover' is judged between men and women, in that men are supposed to do a substantial amount of the work, which should put most of us off. But really

Oops... having struggled with orgasm all my life and read a lot of MN threads, the sheer depth of female socialisation around their bodies is invisible but so powerful. There are large numbers of women who will not poo outside their own house. They just don't. Or they won't pee at work. Ds's girlfriend won't pee at our house when there is anyone else here. And in making an organic breakthrough myself earlier in the year aged 49 (not my first one but something else) I found that one of the many barriers to orgasm in my head was a fear of peeing on the bed. From MN I know I'm not alone in that. If you've never worked out how to have an orgasm in the first place, are positively discouraged from touching yourself unless to check whether you have let hair or blood get 'out of control', and have such iron control over your body that you can avoid pooing for 48 hours or more, suddenly switching into letting pleasure take over is an absolute psychological mountain.