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Original poster

Why do so many women stop wanting sex?

195 replies

User2837 · 11/05/2018 04:44

I've been with my partner 6 years, and could quite easily never have sex again. I'm late 20s.
I love him deeply, he's the kindest, most considerate man I've ever been with. We have so much in common and laugh all the time. We have a child, similar goals, wants, and needs. We go on dates, and trips away etc, and I can't imagine being with anyone else.
When I've spoken to female friends about this, pretty much all of the ones in long term relationships say they feel the same.

Even if it's common, I don't know whether it's healthy to remain in a relationship where i would never initiate sex - surely that's not good for either of us?? But equally, the thought of.losing the person I consider my soul mate is too upsetting.

Why are so many women in the same boat?! And is it worth breaking up over, finding someone else but potentially risk the same thing happening again? Are so many women in relationships where having sex is a chore they endure??

I'm thinking I should try some sex therapy but really not in the position with time or money at the moment.

OP posts:
Babdoc · 12/05/2018 09:13

I feel so sad reading about all these sexless marriages. My DH and I adored each other and couldn’t keep our hands off each other - we were actually having sex when my waters broke and I went into labour with DD1, and the longest we ever went without was the 3 weeks after her birth!
But DH died when DD2 was 11 months old. I have been celibate now for over 20 years, and still miss him terribly. I find it strange that all these PPs apparently have living DH’s but don’t want them. Life is such a paradox.

rosybell · 12/05/2018 09:14

I really recommend looking up Esther Perel's ted talk on desire in ltr's. Basically she talks about how we most desire our partner when we see them in their element- whether it is doing something they love or in a social situation and we see them talking/being vibrant etc . This is more important than trying to spice up your sex life by buying flavoured lube, for example.

I also agree with the pp who said you have to try and make your partner unfamiliar to you - this definitely works. Role plays or wearing a wig (yes really!) can help !

NameChanger22 · 12/05/2018 09:18

When I was younger and childless it used to take me around 3 months into a new relationship that I stopped wanting sex completely. Now I never want sex so I've stayed single for nearly 11 years. I think I'm probably asexual. I don't see it as a problem I need to fix, I prefer being single.

NameChanger22 · 12/05/2018 09:20

Also, all my female friends can't be bothered with sex either.

Branleuse · 12/05/2018 09:26

I think many people just dont have that high a libido, but novelty and excitement makes them want sex at the beginning of the relationship, but theyre not actually a naturally sexual person so it doesnt sustain or survive

Beaverhurdle · 12/05/2018 10:31

Ime its the other way round - i rarely DONT want sex and my male partners sometimes struggle to keep up!

AliceAir · 12/05/2018 11:15

So what can you do to improve (or even acquire) libido if none of the usual stressors exist?

I’m single at the minute and not too worried about it. But I would like a relationship at some point, and I would like it to be a sexually active and successful one. My past relationships, whilst some have been very long term, weren’t especially good sexually. I always put it down to babies/dc/daily grind/illness etc.

None of those things are relevant any more now that my dc are grown and I’m in my 50’s. I’m not really saying what I want - I don’t know how to explain that I want a sexual relationship but I feel I don’t have a libido!

Sosogoodagain · 12/05/2018 12:15

Im starting to think that wanting sex etc starts from within... i know i tried to get my husband to participate -i tried everything...he way as well have rung it in he was so passive and dull.

Interested in the points that seeing your partner in their element is very attractive - i would agree (except in ex DH's case as it was too tied up with his selfishness and attention seeking)

I realise that in order to be sexually attractive/sultry I have to believe myself capable of doing so. I just cant see it. Cant imagine.

Best foot forward is to be as well-rounded an individual as possible and hope to god that the rest follows....

Beaverhurdle · 12/05/2018 14:31

I do think it has to come from within - tbh I've been through staggering amounts of work/daily grind and young babies etc etc, and none of it put me off. I may have had to reduce the level due to sheer practicality, but the desire was still there and even when dog tired etc etc, sex would cheer me up so I'd stay up that bit later, shunt things around in order to achieve it.

NameChanger22 · 12/05/2018 15:17

I'm sure that must make you very popular with all the men Beaver.

I'm not sure this is thread for you. Maybe start your own thread about horny you are.

Beaverhurdle · 12/05/2018 18:34

Hmm ODFOD. My point upthread was that IME this does not make me 'popular with men', men go off sex too. Some people go off sex, some don't.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/05/2018 18:47

Hmmm. Not sure about all these groups of women who all identically don’t want sex. I’ve been part of a group several times where someone was complaining their partner had gone off it or that had. Not the done thing in those situations to say no I don’t relate at all, we can’t keep our hands off each other and it gets better with each passing year. Much more sympathetic to say nothing or I know what you mean. Which might give the impression you’re all in the same boat.

The alternative is that there are parts of the country where no one’s it anymore. But the former is far more likely.

FinnGermey · 12/05/2018 21:28

I have spoken to my wife about this issue as it does cause a problem in our relationship. I could count on the fingers of one hand the amount if times she has initiated sex in our 15 years together. It was never an issue when we were younger as my advances were never knocked back as no kids got in the way! Family life just gets in the way now and it seems that sex is the thing that only happens when everything else on the 'to do list'has been completed. Even washing the floor is more important to her! I've asked my DW to initiate something with me when she is up for it, but it's a long wait and makes me feel pretty unwanted tbh.
I enjoy the act of sex as well as the intimate closeness it brings. It free as well! When we DTD she seems to really enjoy it but it's just finding that time when she can feel relaxed and stress free which seems to be very difficult.

Andijustknew · 12/05/2018 21:35

Why don't you wash the floor, take one thing off her to do list...

Andijustknew · 12/05/2018 21:36

Out of interest, what contraception to people use once you stop the pill?

ificouldwritealettertome · 12/05/2018 21:38

I really know what you are saying! It happened to all of my other relationships. Without meaning to sound crass- have you had other sexual relationships before this one? I had previously had a few before my DH and it helped me to see a pattern:

Crazy lust, great sex, loads of it. Settle down, they make less effort, I get bored. We both move on.

That happened 3 times in a row (with a couple being serious relationships) and it made me realise I needed someone who I really respected and looked up to- who would keep meeting my expectations for me to still be attracted to them.

When me and DH got together, I knew it would be different because of past experiences. And it is. Don't get me wrong we always go the odd fortnight without anything at all because we are exhausted. But I let the little things remind me of why he's the one for me.

Like he can fix anything. Recently, my 12 year old GHDs stopped working and I can't afford new ones. So he took them to his workshop and fixed them and I thought "he's so bloody clever" and all the physical desire comes flooding back again and we pick up where we left off.

I think sex is cyclical for many women, loads to none at all then back around again. It's normal! And I second the PPs who said the pill! And the post about Lions was just amazing.

ificouldwritealettertome · 12/05/2018 21:39

Andijustknew Caya diaphragm. It's great

PasstheStarmix · 12/05/2018 21:41

@SleepFreeZone absolutely loved your anaology about the lion. It made me chuckle even though I know it was serious.

FinnGermey · 12/05/2018 22:13

Andijustknew no time for that, I'm too busy doing the ironing, cooking tea, washing up, putting kids to bed, emptying dishwasher etc!

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 12/05/2018 22:29

andijust don't bother with contraception, we are both subfertile (DH even more so since chemo) so the swimmers can take their chances. If we ever do it again.

moimichme · 13/05/2018 08:35

I'm also feeling a (hopefully temporary) lack of desire at the moment...I'm still breastfeeding a 15-month-old, mostly overnight nowadays, and DH and I are both back at work full-time, with quite long commutes. We're both just exhausted and stressed most of the time, which doesn't make us feel very interested in sex. We've talked about it but no real change is happening with frequency. In fact, it may be even worse since then. Blush

I did find this article, written by a man, with a rather interesting tidbit about an American research study that he doesn't seem able to explain...that men who (say they?) contribute more around the house are likely to have sex less often than those who don't. Perhaps it's because both parents (not just the mother) are too tired to initiate it? I definitely think that's part of the issue in my case.

www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mating-game/201604/are-you-having-enough-sex

blinkowl · 13/05/2018 08:49

I'm in a sexless relationship because of lack of emotional intimacy. DP is lovely but doesn't seem to know how to be emotionally intimate. I can't do fucking anymore, just can't do it. Need a deeper connection between us.

I wish we had emotional intimacy. He wishes we had sex - but never makes me feel pestered in the slightest (as I have had in a previous relationship when the sexual side ended). Neither of us want to leave. It's heart breaking tbh Sad

ScreamingValenta · 13/05/2018 09:00

@SleepFreeZone Really good post about the lions. Spot on.

fikel · 13/05/2018 09:03

The less you partake the less you want it imo. I’m surprised there are a lot of young women feeling this way. I definitely see it as a v important part of my marriages and maybe that’s why we are still sexually active. There is a lot of help out there, see what could work for you.
I’m in my 50s, peri menopausal, which brings new issues for us females but again it doesn’t mean it has to grind to a halt.

mydogisthebest · 13/05/2018 09:10

Me and DH have been married almost 40 years and we still have sex. Obviously nowhere near as often as we did but still frequent enough.

We both still fancy each other. Couples shouldn't be uninterested in sex after only 6, 10, 15 years etc.

I honestly think having children is the main reason couples (mainly women) go off sex. Looking at my friends and family almost all the ones that are divorced said problems started when they had children.

We are childfree so always a great sex life